I Hope No One Minds This Little Vent

[weebcat]

(Since I’m new here, I wasn’t sure which part of the forum I should post this to, so forgive me a bit lol Also, this might be a long, personal post)

Ok, so I’m AFAB. For all of my younger years, I always had long hair, played with dolls, and even participated in Girl Scouts. But, I never really felt like I connected with either of the binary genders. Girl Scouts was boring, I had other toys besides dolls, and I’d rather have much shorter hair. My mom wanted me, but my biological dad didn’t. I never had a consistent fatherly figure in my life, so I didn’t know that I could hang out with cis boys and wear pants/shorts and do other “guy things”. Sure, I’m a feminine person usually, but there are times when I feel like being masculine, both, or neither. 

And when the boys and girls in my class got older, I felt like I didn’t belong to either group. I felt like I was the only one who didn’t exist to both groups. And sure, I had “friends”, but they’d always move on with better friends. I always wore big jackets to cover my chest and looked a little emo to them. I always felt uncomfortable whenever I changed in the girl’s PE room. 

I wasn’t sure why I felt this way, until I discovered a video that talked about non-binary people (at least, I think it was a video). And I discovered this only a few years ago, after I was done with high school. So, I looked up the sub-terms underneath the umbrella of non-binary. And when I saw the definition of “genderfluid”, I was like “Oh My God...that describes me!” However, I also noticed that both non-binary folks and trans folks get a lot of flak for being who they are. Which is why I was hesitant when I told my mom I was genderfluid.

Her exact words?: “I didn’t raise a son.”

Now, considering that she is my mother, I thought she’d be more understanding. But, she was confused and upset. And when I tried to explain it to her, she blamed herself, thinking she had done something wrong. For context, she and I always had trouble getting along for personal reasons I don’t feel like sharing just yet. And that sentence...it still sticks with me. It haunts me. Personally, I think my step-dad gets in her head a lot more than she thinks. It was especially seen to me when they first got together. 

He HATED my guts. So much that he nearly convinced my mother to kick me out and let me die in the streets. Sure, we get along better now, but there are still some issues I can’t talk to them about, such as being genderfluid. It’s worse with him and he claims that non-binary/trans folks are all “doing it for attention” and “none of them exist”. He gets even worse when he drinks. He and my mom are still together, and neither of them are willing to understand or let me date non-binary/trans folks, saying “What would your future children think?” Like, they expect me to be this hetero girl who will date a man and get married to him. But I’ve been hurt by so many guys, I just don’t want a cis man. I want someone who will love me for me and be there for me no matter what. 

Just recently, my step-dad bashed me for not being able to socialize with the granddaughter of his gay friend. It’s just that she’s a teen and I’m 25 and I wasn’t sure if we’d be able to talk about the same things. I know, it’s a silly reason, but he didn’t have to berate me in front of his gay friends and my mom and his other friends. It makes me believe he hasn’t changed at all and he’s just fooling my poor mother into believing him. And we can’t leave him because of our disabilities preventing us from getting jobs (my Asperger’s makes it hard to do skills like math or immediately reply to someone face to face; and my mom has bad kidneys and a degenerative hip disease), so we don’t have the money to leave him. He never listens to reason and it’s like he doesn’t even see me as an equal. More like someone who’s in the way of his marriage. 

There’s more to his past that shows his true behavior and my mom just accepts it! He says he’s changed, but I don’t believe him. I never feel safe in this house and I don’t have enough to move out yet. 

I wish she could be happy with someone else. Anyway, thanks for reading, I needed to get that off my chest. You can comment on this, if you want. 

[Ativan Prescribed]

It isn't an uncommon story but it is important, having to take the verbal abuse isn't much different and in a lot of ways worse than physical abuse.
You're mothers reaction is a consistent one that most people have heard, but it is mostly because others have seen you as this person they want to see, hard to see the real people if you don't really look.It's kinda like when telling people about aspergers, they tend to not see it and see something different that is easier to wrap their heads around.
That isn't uncommon here at all, and is understood by most I think.
Parents don't look for the clues, they look for what they want to see and look past the things they don't, your mother's reaction sounds like it might be that she has seen the clues but doesn't want to admit they are there.
Same with the step father, who sounds overbearing and by being able to bully people has actually shown their own faults for the same reasons, and sounds a lot like they only want what they want and are not responsible enough to take what they don't in life.
Its easy for someone like him to just bully their way through things, and when those things don't work like they want, they just find more things to be that same bully for little to no reason.
But here is the place for you to talk about and find possible solutions to problems you are having with being NB, and there are a lot of things related to it that sometimes aren't that upfront until you talk and read about how others have dealt with similar things.
As far as his attitude, if he thinks trans and NB are simply attention seekers, then what is he doing by making such uninformed comments, tell him step fathers are attention seekers then, just turn it around in subtle ways or not so subtle, he's there because he can rule the roost, which unfortunately is what some men equate with being men, and forget that they are mearly men.
This entire thing of gender playing off each other is the basis for a lot of ills in society, the unreasonable expectations that one gender needs to do this and the other that, that one gender is like this and the other that, it plays out in so many ways of inequality and lacks common sense principles of people are people regardless of gender.
But read through the threads that you find interesting, there are lots of posts in most and lots of posts about living day to day with things that are not directly related to NB or gender, it doesn't take long to understand how it all is about NB in most things, if even just slightly.
This is the place for people like you and all of us to spell out those things we object to, but just as importantly the things we like, the diversity here is pretty good, gives anyone a good idea that NB and trans is much more than attention seeking, and that regardless, people are just people.

[weebcat]

Jan 27, 2020 3:57:45 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

It isn't an uncommon story but it is important, having to take the verbal abuse isn't much different and in a lot of ways worse than physical abuse.
You're mothers reaction is a consistent one that most people have heard, but it is mostly because others have seen you as this person they want to see, hard to see the real people if you don't really look.It's kinda like when telling people about aspergers, they tend to not see it and see something different that is easier to wrap their heads around.
That isn't uncommon here at all, and is understood by most I think.
Parents don't look for the clues, they look for what they want to see and look past the things they don't, your mother's reaction sounds like it might be that she has seen the clues but doesn't want to admit they are there.
Same with the step father, who sounds overbearing and by being able to bully people has actually shown their own faults for the same reasons, and sounds a lot like they only want what they want and are not responsible enough to take what they don't in life.
Its easy for someone like him to just bully their way through things, and when those things don't work like they want, they just find more things to be that same bully for little to no reason.
But here is the place for you to talk about and find possible solutions to problems you are having with being NB, and there are a lot of things related to it that sometimes aren't that upfront until you talk and read about how others have dealt with similar things.
As far as his attitude, if he thinks trans and NB are simply attention seekers, then what is he doing by making such uninformed comments, tell him step fathers are attention seekers then, just turn it around in subtle ways or not so subtle, he's there because he can rule the roost, which unfortunately is what some men equate with being men, and forget that they are mearly men.
This entire thing of gender playing off each other is the basis for a lot of ills in society, the unreasonable expectations that one gender needs to do this and the other that, that one gender is like this and the other that, it plays out in so many ways of inequality and lacks common sense principles of people are people regardless of gender.
But read through the threads that you find interesting, there are lots of posts in most and lots of posts about living day to day with things that are not directly related to NB or gender, it doesn't take long to understand how it all is about NB in most things, if even just slightly.
This is the place for people like you and all of us to spell out those things we object to, but just as importantly the things we like, the diversity here is pretty good, gives anyone a good idea that NB and trans is much more than attention seeking, and that regardless, people are just people.

Thank you so much! Sorry I didn't see this at first, I had to answer your question in the other thread. 

But yes, people are just people and I just want him to see that. My mother does try to understand me more, but he puts in zero effort to try. He doesn't get that people just want to be themselves. He has this mentality where if you do something he doesn't like, he remembers it and uses it against you. It's scary.

His drinking never helps the situation. He drinks like two to three cans, maybe more, each day. He even drinks and drives as well, which nearly got him killed once and yet he's addicted to drinking. He also vapes with the tobacco and tobacco-laced coffee grinds (I think that's what they are, I forgot what they're called). It upsets her as well. 

He does these things that upset us and yet doesn't seem to care how we feel about it. And my mother loves him so much...that, or she thinks she won't find anyone else and will die alone. They're both almost 50 and I wish she could cut him out of her life. She's done that once before, but went back to him anyway. 

I hate the whole situation. 

[Trinity]

Jan 27, 2020 6:33:19 GMT 8 weebcat said:

Jan 27, 2020 3:57:45 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

It isn't an uncommon story but it is important, having to take the verbal abuse isn't much different and in a lot of ways worse than physical abuse.
You're mothers reaction is a consistent one that most people have heard, but it is mostly because others have seen you as this person they want to see, hard to see the real people if you don't really look.It's kinda like when telling people about aspergers, they tend to not see it and see something different that is easier to wrap their heads around.
That isn't uncommon here at all, and is understood by most I think.
Parents don't look for the clues, they look for what they want to see and look past the things they don't, your mother's reaction sounds like it might be that she has seen the clues but doesn't want to admit they are there.
Same with the step father, who sounds overbearing and by being able to bully people has actually shown their own faults for the same reasons, and sounds a lot like they only want what they want and are not responsible enough to take what they don't in life.
Its easy for someone like him to just bully their way through things, and when those things don't work like they want, they just find more things to be that same bully for little to no reason.
But here is the place for you to talk about and find possible solutions to problems you are having with being NB, and there are a lot of things related to it that sometimes aren't that upfront until you talk and read about how others have dealt with similar things.
As far as his attitude, if he thinks trans and NB are simply attention seekers, then what is he doing by making such uninformed comments, tell him step fathers are attention seekers then, just turn it around in subtle ways or not so subtle, he's there because he can rule the roost, which unfortunately is what some men equate with being men, and forget that they are mearly men.
This entire thing of gender playing off each other is the basis for a lot of ills in society, the unreasonable expectations that one gender needs to do this and the other that, that one gender is like this and the other that, it plays out in so many ways of inequality and lacks common sense principles of people are people regardless of gender.
But read through the threads that you find interesting, there are lots of posts in most and lots of posts about living day to day with things that are not directly related to NB or gender, it doesn't take long to understand how it all is about NB in most things, if even just slightly.
This is the place for people like you and all of us to spell out those things we object to, but just as importantly the things we like, the diversity here is pretty good, gives anyone a good idea that NB and trans is much more than attention seeking, and that regardless, people are just people.

Thank you so much! Sorry I didn't see this at first, I had to answer your question in the other thread. 

But yes, people are just people and I just want him to see that. My mother does try to understand me more, but he puts in zero effort to try. He doesn't get that people just want to be themselves. He has this mentality where if you do something he doesn't like, he remembers it and uses it against you. It's scary.

His drinking never helps the situation. He drinks like two to three cans, maybe more, each day. He even drinks and drives as well, which nearly got him killed once and yet he's addicted to drinking. He also vapes with the tobacco and tobacco-laced coffee grinds (I think that's what they are, I forgot what they're called). It upsets her as well. 

He does these things that upset us and yet doesn't seem to care how we feel about it. And my mother loves him so much...that, or she thinks she won't find anyone else and will die alone. They're both almost 50 and I wish she could cut him out of her life. She's done that once before, but went back to him anyway. 

I hate the whole situation. 

You have a lot going on, don't you honey....

Many of us on this board are no stranger to alcoholism and its affects on us.

Many of us are overcoming control issues, often with spouses as opposed to parents.

Many of us have been through abusive situations, and won through them.

The thing is, when its parents, sooner or later, you wind up moving out and living on your own.  But until  that time, its the whole rules thing, and understanding how to be comfortable in that environment.

And also when young, there is a lot of finding out who you really are, and that takes time to do.

There are programs for people who are affected by alcoholism in the family, where they can get help for themselves.  We can't really help the other people, but we can learn how to take care of and protect ourselves.  Alateen is a very good program if you are that young, if not, then AlAnon is also powerful and can set you free.

And with gender, we need to have a strong foundation of truth, and not to people please others, give ourselves away, yet we don't want to become super selfish either, and its a fine line to walk.

In some ways, the aspergers may actually help set you free more, I don't know, I have no idea what its like, but if it allows you to detach from others, that's a big help to you.

Keep talking about it, learn about everything you can here.

This is where we learn how to rise above things, sometimes we can be very direct, sometimes we can be soft, but one thing we normally do, is tell the truth of it.

You have our support, its all up to you, how you use us in the board, what you need from us, what you want to share with us, and what you do with it all.

Its a familiar situation, but the cool thing is, you can outlast it, you are not trapped.  Some of us are, and have very hard choices to make, and some of us are free to go do things.

I wish I had a forum like this when I was young.  But I am so glad I have it now when I am old.....

Alcoholism sucks.  Trust me, I know.  But, it can be turned into the greatest blessing you have, if you choose recovery from it and stick with it.  It can be lifechanging.

The worst thing is like what happens with your mom, loving the guy, staying with him, and trapped really, but she also can have her choices, love him, and not be trapped, and still be with him too.   Its all in what you do with it.

Its all in learning how to handle it, to overcome yourself, because we don't overcome the loved ones, we overcome the things inside us that hurt us.

[weebcat]

Jan 27, 2020 10:28:06 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Jan 27, 2020 6:33:19 GMT 8 weebcat said:

Thank you so much! Sorry I didn't see this at first, I had to answer your question in the other thread. 

But yes, people are just people and I just want him to see that. My mother does try to understand me more, but he puts in zero effort to try. He doesn't get that people just want to be themselves. He has this mentality where if you do something he doesn't like, he remembers it and uses it against you. It's scary.

His drinking never helps the situation. He drinks like two to three cans, maybe more, each day. He even drinks and drives as well, which nearly got him killed once and yet he's addicted to drinking. He also vapes with the tobacco and tobacco-laced coffee grinds (I think that's what they are, I forgot what they're called). It upsets her as well. 

He does these things that upset us and yet doesn't seem to care how we feel about it. And my mother loves him so much...that, or she thinks she won't find anyone else and will die alone. They're both almost 50 and I wish she could cut him out of her life. She's done that once before, but went back to him anyway. 

I hate the whole situation. 

You have a lot going on, don't you honey....

Many of us on this board are no stranger to alcoholism and its affects on us.

Many of us are overcoming control issues, often with spouses as opposed to parents.

Many of us have been through abusive situations, and won through them.

The thing is, when its parents, sooner or later, you wind up moving out and living on your own.  But until  that time, its the whole rules thing, and understanding how to be comfortable in that environment.

And also when young, there is a lot of finding out who you really are, and that takes time to do.

There are programs for people who are affected by alcoholism in the family, where they can get help for themselves.  We can't really help the other people, but we can learn how to take care of and protect ourselves.  Alateen is a very good program if you are that young, if not, then AlAnon is also powerful and can set you free.

And with gender, we need to have a strong foundation of truth, and not to people please others, give ourselves away, yet we don't want to become super selfish either, and its a fine line to walk.

In some ways, the aspergers may actually help set you free more, I don't know, I have no idea what its like, but if it allows you to detach from others, that's a big help to you.

Keep talking about it, learn about everything you can here.

This is where we learn how to rise above things, sometimes we can be very direct, sometimes we can be soft, but one thing we normally do, is tell the truth of it.

You have our support, its all up to you, how you use us in the board, what you need from us, what you want to share with us, and what you do with it all.

Its a familiar situation, but the cool thing is, you can outlast it, you are not trapped.  Some of us are, and have very hard choices to make, and some of us are free to go do things.

I wish I had a forum like this when I was young.  But I am so glad I have it now when I am old.....

Alcoholism sucks.  Trust me, I know.  But, it can be turned into the greatest blessing you have, if you choose recovery from it and stick with it.  It can be lifechanging.

The worst thing is like what happens with your mom, loving the guy, staying with him, and trapped really, but she also can have her choices, love him, and not be trapped, and still be with him too.   Its all in what you do with it.

Its all in learning how to handle it, to overcome yourself, because we don't overcome the loved ones, we overcome the things inside us that hurt us.

Thank you! It’s fantastic to know that I’m not alone in this. I’ll look into those programs as well. I just don’t know if he’s capable of change. And my mom knows he has addictions, but I think she feels like she can’t change him either. 

But, I want to learn how to be self-sufficient. I don’t want to depend on him or anyone else for anything. (Unless when it comes to stuff like cars, then I need help lol) I can’t drive in crowded areas and get a license, so I depend on him and mom to drive me everywhere. And while that’s a problem, I can still go to college and learn which job I want and do that. 

Of course, a future problem would be bringing him around my future kids that I don’t have yet. I don’t want him to influence their behavior. But if he leaves my mom before then, I won’t have to worry about that. On the other hand, my mom would be devastated if he left her again. 

Maybe we need family counseling. I’ll bring it all up with my therapist in a couple of weeks. It’s so nice having others understand on here as well! Makes me feel better

[Leena]

Some people are just not accepting and it's not always possible to change their minds. I came out as trans to my parents as a kid and they were not accepting. I didn't have terms genderfluid or nonbinary at the time. I eventually just basically buried these feelings until I got older. I still was pretty GNC and almost no one other than my family sees me as a cishet guy.

I found it better to distance myself from my family, both physically and emotionally. There's a lot of people that don't drive for a variety of reasons, depending on where you are, there are alternatives like public transportation and rideshare companies like Uber and Lyft.

[weebcat]

Jan 27, 2020 23:27:50 GMT 8 Leena said:

Some people are just not accepting and it's not always possible to change their minds. I came out as trans to my parents as a kid and they were not accepting. I didn't have terms genderfluid or nonbinary at the time. I eventually just basically buried these feelings until I got older. I still was pretty GNC and almost no one other than my family sees me as a cishet guy.

I found it better to distance myself from my family, both physically and emotionally. There's a lot of people that don't drive for a variety of reasons, depending on where you are, there are alternatives like public transportation and rideshare companies like Uber and Lyft.

I know. People are stubborn and some refuse to change. He doesn’t get that I think of the past too much and remember shit that he likes to “forget” or make himself look better in front of my mother. I’m sorry you had to go through that. 

I have to wait for disability to come in so I can move out. I live in a small town a couple towns away from a bigger one, so I don’t know if Uber/Lyft is available in my area. Not a lot of bus stops either. And I don’t have the money yet either, so I’m stuck here until I get some. 

[Ativan Prescribed]

Just keep working away at it all, it's always one step at a time and so long as you are stepping forward, things will change for the better.