how has your understanding of your gender changed last year

[Trinity]

New Years Topic

What changed for you last year?  How has your gender understanding changed?

For me personally

I am more free to be who I really am, not necessarily socially, though that is true, but who I really am at home.

And with that freedom has come more comfort with who I am as well, and it shifted more to the nonbinary sh'e, as opposed to the transsexual sh'e.  There is a difference.

So my understanding of my own gender did shift, in a way that surprised me, but has happened to a lot of nonbinary mtf types.  And maybe ftm?  Mta, fta, …  but surely those of us who started down the binary transition road, and figured out something didn't feel quite right or there was a difference or.... something...

So, anyway, I've been at it 6 years now.  Thousands of posts, going to stay with it.  But I am always learning some thing new.

I think one of the big things is that its just become normal for me.

And then the theater shift, more nb now, away from the TS branding.

Maybe a few things did shift.

And personally, not much changed, but it was nice to end the year with an actual check for estimating, a small one but its pay for my own business, and getting that unpaid radio commercial that's out there was very cool and great exposure.  So a nice way to end the year.

What changed for you last year?  How has your understanding of your own gender change?  What did you learn?

[Trinity]

Another big one. Not as much resentment as I had against the bigots, just a determination to be bigger than they are, to rise above them. I'm tired of empowering assholes to disturb my own peace of mind and freedom. They can go to blazes, because I have a better destination in mind and no matter what happens, I will find a way to get my hormones and be me, and I doubt very much that the bigots will continue to be empowered to harm others through legal hate.

Its gotten old, its not cool anymore. Even Chick-fil-a is backing away from subsidizing the hate groups....they haven't recanted or repented, but they are not currently financing the anti lgbtq forces from what I understand.

If Chick-fil-a figures its uncool or unprofitable, what about the rest of the world?

But I lost the resentment, and I also turned off the damn news.

[Iona]

Pretty much everything changed for me in the last year.

Although I've always had (often an overwhelming level of) uncertainty about my gender, in the past year I've found the language to describe it, the courage to share it, and a certain level of contentment in not having to fully define it.

I've finally begun to be able to see gender beyond the binary, in the excessively multifaceted ways it exists in us. I still dont understand, i still get overwhelmingly confused, I still fall into the limited and limiting binary thinking, but I am now able, mostly, to catch myself in it.

I've opened up more fully to my wife, and I have talked to two of my closest friends about it (one of whom I've put off talking to for about 15 years). And I've started expressing myself openly with my wife as completely as could possibly work, and become far less guarded with the world outside.

However, in some ways everything still feels the same - which is a good and bad thing. On the positive side, it feels normal, not exceptional, not weird. On the negative side, I still feel so far from opening up to the wider world.

And that's ok, but I hope that changes over the next year(s).

Being noticed has always been a problem for me, but that is something perhaps I will have to deal with over the next year...

[Iona]

Oh, and not gender-related, but I got a job, having lived here for 3 years, and I now really feel I belong here in Canada. And, although it's low paid and seasonal, and often exhausting, it allows me to work with plants and grow things. And I've learnt in the past year that that is something I love.

[Ativan Prescribed]

The world is changing for the better despite how hard the trumpians are trying to fuck it all up even for themselves.
LGBTQ is not some little know or understood group of people anymore, its the bigots who people are having a hard time understanding.
Consider that a lot of people have learned that others are just people and are not a threat to society because they have always been a part of society.
One of the knee jerk reactions that some people have over LGBTQ is that they assume it is something recent in history, like in the last few decades and that it is spreading like crazy because they hear about it more and more.
Those would be the bigots and people fail to understand how they can live under a rock for so long and not get that society is still everyone and not just them.
I said before about them that they assume for reasons only known to them that cis binary are just like them because they are, but they are bigots in that way as well, if you are cis binary and don't want to one of them, then they are all over your shit as well.
Things have gotten better each year in the last decade or two and it is getting better at a faster rate, trump can deny all sorts of things for LGBTQ but not a one of them is going to change people and they will always be a part of society and are now more than ever before.
I think the awareness that people are finally getting that NB isn't some radical movement that is just people deciding they want to cause trouble for themselves and that it is a now recognized faction of society that has always been a part of it.
That it is being defined and explained by so many more people is making it the new darling of those wannabe a part of something so they sort of admit they are like NB but still don't actually say they are, like the tomboy thing, they see anything not barbie and ken as NB is ways.
But the thing is, you have to know that you are, there isn't some test you take or qualifications to be made, you don't have to go to the neighborhood NB secret meeting that bigots are sure there are as we plot to take over the world, you have to know you are, and that might take some time to find out, but if you don't ever find out and want to say you are NB that is a something that is a part of the decision making that we are accused of making, that its a choice, just like cis binary is a choice just as well when you think about it, they have to decide if someone asks them if they are, if they want to be a part of that group, that they don't just know that they are because that is all they have ever known, cis binary is indeed a choice that people have made because they don't want to be anything else, so cis binary is nothing more than a choice and if you ask them how they know, they get all up in your face that they just do know, so there you go, NB is like that, you know, there isn't anything else for you, you are and its as final as a cis binary is about being that, although that is the closet door for LGBTQ, and cis binary do all they can to keep it locked, because they are scared that their secret of being LGBTQ will be found out.
But over all, its still rolling despite the people who are trying to be societies gatekeepers, they don't know a gate from shinola to be honest.
My spell checker is trying to take the one word cisbinary and change it to ciscobinary, like ciso the kid binary maybe is what it is thinking, but even it has made the choice that cisbinary isn't and needs to be changed.... pay attention cis binary, spell checkers have an eye on you....

[Ativan Prescribed]

Jan 2, 2020 10:54:09 GMT 8 Iona said:

Pretty much everything changed for me in the last year.

Although I've always had (often an overwhelming level of) uncertainty about my gender, in the past year I've found the language to describe it, the courage to share it, and a certain level of contentment in not having to fully define it.

We don't have to and are under no obligation to explain a thing about being NB if we don't want to.
If cis binary want an in depth full explanation, then ask them to give you one of themselves first, because you can't define NB if they can't define cis binary.
If their explanation goes into the one man and one woman or anything on that order, ask them where Barbie and Ken enter into the picture, and if that is what they are talking about.
You are right that everyone is multifaceted and nobody is the actual ends of that cis binary spectrum they like to drag out as an explanation for everyone but them.
If they are on the ends of that, then are they Barbie and Ken? Because if you have a spectrum, then there are slam into the wall ends to it and they only way their explanation of the spectrum works is if there are one man and one woman on each end.
Everyone is somewhere on that spectrum and they don't get to decide where that ism because they will point plank tell you that they are on the ends of it and that everyone else is in the middle, so they are nothing more than Barbie and Ken wanna be's, am I right?
Gender is something that is personal and it isn't necessary to define it, to what end?
Will one person define make the world change somehow?
Cis binary and any gender for that matter don't have a defined explanation, it isn't defined, the explanations don't add up and that is because each and every person's gender is different, because it is who they are, not what they are.
Lets make this the decade of gender defines that are who each of us are and not at all what we are, I kinda thing they what we are has been done enough and gender isn't defined as even gender to be honest, it's a vague definition at best.
And if anyone wants to know, there are a few people who have spent their lives and life savings to be plasticized into the recreations of living Barbie and Kens, and they are making their life in the porn industry, because they don't have what it takes to be real I guess...

[Leena]

2019 was a big year for me transition wise, though it really just confirmed an understanding I already had.

I've just been situationally fluid since I was a kid. That is mostly a product of coming out as trans as kid in an unaccepting environment in the early 80's. I would be as GNC as I could get away with around friends, but sometimes it just seemed more worth it to look and act like the boy my teachers and family wanted me to be. Then as a young adult, able to finally do what I wanted, I come to find the true trans mindset was all there was, start living "full time" without hormones and throw away your entire life or else you are just a crossdresser.

I actually tried being full time for the early part of the year, taking a break from electrolysis even, just to be sure, and the only thing conclusive was I needed to be on HRT and finish electrolysis if I was going to live as a woman. I still don't necessarily feel like I am a woman, more just that I am not a man. It's still worth it at times to pretend that I am a man though, and now it seems it might be worth it at times to let people assume I am a woman. Nonbinary isn't on most people's radar, and people are going to mentally gender me as one of the binary genders, though they often won't gender me verbally if I present androgynous.

So really, all of this confirms I'm still just situationally fluid. I am not a cis guy and I am not a binary trans woman. I'm just not sure it's even possible to convey that through presentation alone and I don't want to try to explain my fluidity to everyone I meet.

That all said, it feels great to be transitioning finally, after all the years of questioning. I may find less need to present masculine over time, there are privileges in appearing to be either binary, most things I felt I couldn't do presenting feminine are things cis women do.

[Ativan Prescribed]

People gender others as binary because that is what they think society wants them to do, but it's becoming obvious to many people that NB is an option that many people will use to describe their gender.
What people are doing is using NB as a gender in comparison to binary, and they are taught that binary is it and anything else is not acceptable or is acceptable and they still have a hard time getting past what has been staring them in the face forever.
NB isn't so much a gender as it is the group of people who in general don't feel they are a part of the binary, and what their gender is, only they can say and they are under no obligations to say.
Its the thing that some binary want you to do is to start to tell them so that they can correct you by saying that they don't believe is this or that and they only believe in themselves, but isn't that what NB pretty much do?
Its the telling you that you can't be this or that and that satisfies their need to justify themselves, to make it rock solid that they know 100% who they are and nobody is going to tell them different.
But nobody is telling them and to go out of the way to say crap to just make themselves look that rock solid is the part that is demeaning to everyone else, because they are not solid, they might assume they are but they don't know for sure.
Nobody gets through life without questioning things about their gender, because everyone has some of each if you want to see it that way, binary doesn't mean one or the other, its just where things are put as a way to separate those things.
If you are binary then you have qualities of both, but usually those are mostly one way or the other, but not everything, and when people get all defensive, then you can probably just know that they are rock solid with their closet door is all.
So the habit is to always acknowledge others as one or the other and that keeps things separated because they don't want to have to explain that they are not as 100% as what they think that others are and they just missed that day in class when it was explained.
There are numerous terms used for people who are not that 100%, and the most common is tomboy, but define that so it is apparent and applies to all tomboys the same way, what is it exactly that makes people think tomboy?
But even then, the hammer falls on their closet doors and they revert back to the sir and ma'am routines that they feel they are required to do so that they seem like they are one or the other so that they don't have to explain that they really aren't.
It isn't that people don't have a realization about how NB fits in and have always fit in, they know all the terms used to describe people that aren't just so at each end of the spectrum they like to use to explain how they are at one end or the other, so that they don't have to explain that they aren't.
In other words, everyone knows that the sir and ma'am is just bullshit and a lucky guess some of the time, and they won't even admit that they know this, because that would weaken their closet door and if anyone found them out, what would happen?
The expectation is that something awful will happen, but that's not true, the liars of binary will make it awful to hide themselves, otherwise you can come to a place like this and be accepted as you are, because we know that we are normal and don't believe in their awful.

[Trinity]

Jan 2, 2020 11:28:55 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Jan 2, 2020 10:54:09 GMT 8 Iona said:

Pretty much everything changed for me in the last year.

Although I've always had (often an overwhelming level of) uncertainty about my gender, in the past year I've found the language to describe it, the courage to share it, and a certain level of contentment in not having to fully define it.

We don't have to and are under no obligation to explain a thing about being NB if we don't want to.
If cis binary want an in depth full explanation, then ask them to give you one of themselves first, because you can't define NB if they can't define cis binary.
If their explanation goes into the one man and one woman or anything on that order, ask them where Barbie and Ken enter into the picture, and if that is what they are talking about.
You are right that everyone is multifaceted and nobody is the actual ends of that cis binary spectrum they like to drag out as an explanation for everyone but them.
If they are on the ends of that, then are they Barbie and Ken? Because if you have a spectrum, then there are slam into the wall ends to it and they only way their explanation of the spectrum works is if there are one man and one woman on each end.
Everyone is somewhere on that spectrum and they don't get to decide where that ism because they will point plank tell you that they are on the ends of it and that everyone else is in the middle, so they are nothing more than Barbie and Ken wanna be's, am I right?
Gender is something that is personal and it isn't necessary to define it, to what end?
Will one person define make the world change somehow?
Cis binary and any gender for that matter don't have a defined explanation, it isn't defined, the explanations don't add up and that is because each and every person's gender is different, because it is who they are, not what they are.
Lets make this the decade of gender defines that are who each of us are and not at all what we are, I kinda thing they what we are has been done enough and gender isn't defined as even gender to be honest, it's a vague definition at best.
And if anyone wants to know, there are a few people who have spent their lives and life savings to be plasticized into the recreations of living Barbie and Kens, and they are making their life in the porn industry, because they don't have what it takes to be real I guess...

"the diamond Core"

Multifaceted, brilliant, formed in pressure (and pain), looks one way from the top, another from the bottom, a different from the side, but it is still one diamond, with many facets, reflecting back but retaining a brilliant light within that takes in the light and reflects it everwhere, dazzling, priceless, the diamond core of trans (diamond core of NB.)

And we arrive here the rough uncut stones, but the brilliance is in there, we find out how to craft our diamond, strike to hard or too fast and it will crack, it has to be carefully thought out, one small cut or chip at a time, until the true worth and brilliance is revealed, by transition ,or not, by presentation, or not, its really, by discovering the truth, and bringing it out in our lives, one small step at a time.

It was an old, old post from 6 years ago, and was how I met Ativan, it caught their attention, the first like from them on any board for me.

Its so nice to hear it from someone else, and I don't think you had heard it before Jos, unless you were reading the older stuff.

Its an important thing, very much so, to me.


The diamond hearts of trans.  And include nonbinary in that please.

[Iona]

Jan 3, 2020 10:30:14 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Jan 2, 2020 11:28:55 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

We don't have to and are under no obligation to explain a thing about being NB if we don't want to.
If cis binary want an in depth full explanation, then ask them to give you one of themselves first, because you can't define NB if they can't define cis binary.
If their explanation goes into the one man and one woman or anything on that order, ask them where Barbie and Ken enter into the picture, and if that is what they are talking about.
You are right that everyone is multifaceted and nobody is the actual ends of that cis binary spectrum they like to drag out as an explanation for everyone but them.
If they are on the ends of that, then are they Barbie and Ken? Because if you have a spectrum, then there are slam into the wall ends to it and they only way their explanation of the spectrum works is if there are one man and one woman on each end.
Everyone is somewhere on that spectrum and they don't get to decide where that ism because they will point plank tell you that they are on the ends of it and that everyone else is in the middle, so they are nothing more than Barbie and Ken wanna be's, am I right?
Gender is something that is personal and it isn't necessary to define it, to what end?
Will one person define make the world change somehow?
Cis binary and any gender for that matter don't have a defined explanation, it isn't defined, the explanations don't add up and that is because each and every person's gender is different, because it is who they are, not what they are.
Lets make this the decade of gender defines that are who each of us are and not at all what we are, I kinda thing they what we are has been done enough and gender isn't defined as even gender to be honest, it's a vague definition at best.
And if anyone wants to know, there are a few people who have spent their lives and life savings to be plasticized into the recreations of living Barbie and Kens, and they are making their life in the porn industry, because they don't have what it takes to be real I guess...

"the diamond Core"

Multifaceted, brilliant, formed in pressure (and pain), looks one way from the top, another from the bottom, a different from the side, but it is still one diamond, with many facets, reflecting back but retaining a brilliant light within that takes in the light and reflects it everwhere, dazzling, priceless, the diamond core of trans (diamond core of NB.)

And we arrive here the rough uncut stones, but the brilliance is in there, we find out how to craft our diamond, strike to hard or too fast and it will crack, it has to be carefully thought out, one small cut or chip at a time, until the true worth and brilliance is revealed, by transition ,or not, by presentation, or not, its really, by discovering the truth, and bringing it out in our lives, one small step at a time.

It was an old, old post from 6 years ago, and was how I met Ativan, it caught their attention, the first like on any board for me.

Its so nice to hear it from someone else, and I don't think you had heard it before Jos, unless you were reading the older stuff.

Its an important thing, very much so, to me.


The diamond hearts of trans.  And include nonbinary in that please.

No, I hadn't heard/read that. It reminds me a little of a response I was going to make in the thread about the colour of your gender. Something about it being at some angles transparent (not there?), from other angles one colour, still other angles another....

(But certainly more eloquent, and with so much more to the metaphor!)

I do also appreciate that idea of crafting slowly and carefully. It has been a challenge to take care, but then not to take so much care as to stop daring to work on it at all.

And, at the centre of it all, I love that image of the diamond.

[Trinity]

Jan 3, 2020 11:37:56 GMT 8 Iona said:

Jan 3, 2020 10:30:14 GMT 8 Trinity said:

"the diamond Core"

Multifaceted, brilliant, formed in pressure (and pain), looks one way from the top, another from the bottom, a different from the side, but it is still one diamond, with many facets, reflecting back but retaining a brilliant light within that takes in the light and reflects it everwhere, dazzling, priceless, the diamond core of trans (diamond core of NB.)

And we arrive here the rough uncut stones, but the brilliance is in there, we find out how to craft our diamond, strike to hard or too fast and it will crack, it has to be carefully thought out, one small cut or chip at a time, until the true worth and brilliance is revealed, by transition ,or not, by presentation, or not, its really, by discovering the truth, and bringing it out in our lives, one small step at a time.

It was an old, old post from 6 years ago, and was how I met Ativan, it caught their attention, the first like on any board for me.

Its so nice to hear it from someone else, and I don't think you had heard it before Jos, unless you were reading the older stuff.

Its an important thing, very much so, to me.


The diamond hearts of trans.  And include nonbinary in that please.

No, I hadn't heard/read that. It reminds me a little of a response I was going to make in the thread about the colour of your gender. Something about it being at some angles transparent (not there?), from other angles one colour, still other angles another....

(But certainly more eloquent, and with so much more to the metaphor!)

I do also appreciate that idea of crafting slowly and carefully. It has been a challenge to take care, but then not to take so much care as to stop daring to work on it at all.

And, at the centre of it all, I love that image of the diamond.

I'm literally famous for it.

Because I truly believe it, and its out there, I shared it with the NY trans stars when I was working together with them in my own starring roles in the broadway show that didn't fund, but is still out there, and I got my fame anyway with the people that count.

Thank you for the kind touch on that, I needed it tonight.

I've faded out in NY but they still know who I am, it was the love pouring out that did that, I was stronger then, I'm burned out now but the fire still burns gently, soon I hope to put it to song and script, but I have to outlast the darkness first.

Its been a tough bunch of years here.

I am happy with the way my little diamond turned out.  

The other story I like to tell was walking the diamond tightrope of the nonbinary.  It cuts your feet, but you get tougher and tougher.  Lose your balance and you will fall, keep your eyes up and straight ahead, looking to the other side, and eventually, you will learn to dance across to your magnificent, glittering destiny.  But if you are nonbinary, to forget your balance will make you fall.

Never look down, only up. and there is a spiritual truth there too, for those who accept it.

Sorry to talk about myself like that, it has been a rough couple of days for me, car radiator exploded, got sued by a homeowners association because my wife is too sick to help babysit and I couldn't keep my responsibilities up, other issues too, money owed, business problems, its been fucking hell, but on the other side, it could have been oh so much worse and I am glad we are raising the four year old.  I just with he would go to sleep on time so we wouldn't burn out and get sicker.

It will happen some day.

Now that I think of it, its nothing compared to what I went through in past years.

Yeah, the diamond heart of trans.  Yours, mine, every one of us, so special and so precious and valuable, so able to save lives just by being strong enough to be real, to reach out, to just be here, it truly saves lives.

Loving hugs

TSJ.

[Leena]

Jan 3, 2020 11:37:56 GMT 8 Iona said:

Jan 3, 2020 10:30:14 GMT 8 Trinity said:

"the diamond Core"

Multifaceted, brilliant, formed in pressure (and pain), looks one way from the top, another from the bottom, a different from the side, but it is still one diamond, with many facets, reflecting back but retaining a brilliant light within that takes in the light and reflects it everwhere, dazzling, priceless, the diamond core of trans (diamond core of NB.)

And we arrive here the rough uncut stones, but the brilliance is in there, we find out how to craft our diamond, strike to hard or too fast and it will crack, it has to be carefully thought out, one small cut or chip at a time, until the true worth and brilliance is revealed, by transition ,or not, by presentation, or not, its really, by discovering the truth, and bringing it out in our lives, one small step at a time.

It was an old, old post from 6 years ago, and was how I met Ativan, it caught their attention, the first like on any board for me.

Its so nice to hear it from someone else, and I don't think you had heard it before Jos, unless you were reading the older stuff.

Its an important thing, very much so, to me.


The diamond hearts of trans.  And include nonbinary in that please.

No, I hadn't heard/read that. It reminds me a little of a response I was going to make in the thread about the colour of your gender. Something about it being at some angles transparent (not there?), from other angles one colour, still other angles another....

(But certainly more eloquent, and with so much more to the metaphor!)

I do also appreciate that idea of crafting slowly and carefully. It has been a challenge to take care, but then not to take so much care as to stop daring to work on it at all.

And, at the centre of it all, I love that image of the diamond.

I like the idea of crafting it slowly and carefully too.

I also do think it still is what you can get away with, and that depends partially when and where you are. What can I get away with here in 2020? There's only one way to find out...

There is a possibility of going more slowly than necessary though, one other thing I found out in 2019 is that a lot of things I thought would be really scary turned out not be.

[ceremony]

Jan 3, 2020 10:30:14 GMT 8 Trinity said:

"the diamond Core"

Multifaceted, brilliant, formed in pressure (and pain), looks one way from the top, another from the bottom, a different from the side, but it is still one diamond, with many facets, reflecting back but retaining a brilliant light within that takes in the light and reflects it everywhere, dazzling, priceless, the diamond core of trans (diamond core of NB.)

And we arrive here the rough uncut stones, but the brilliance is in there, we find out how to craft our diamond, strike to hard or too fast and it will crack, it has to be carefully thought out, one small cut or chip at a time, until the true worth and brilliance is revealed, by transition ,or not, by presentation, or not, its really, by discovering the truth, and bringing it out in our lives, one small step at a time.

It was an old, old post from 6 years ago, and was how I met Ativan, it caught their attention, the first like from them on any board for me.

Its so nice to hear it from someone else, and I don't think you had heard it before Jos, unless you were reading the older stuff.

Its an important thing, very much so, to me.


The diamond hearts of trans.  And include nonbinary in that please.

That about "the diamond core" helps me describe some of what changed for me in 2019.

The decades of pain, pain that barely let up, and more pain topped the other, or followed it made it very hard to want to make any move about myself. There is a very deep issue, and there are now some few who know about it. The past 3+ years of therapy about it included seeing myself as non-binary. 

I've been very active to advocate things I could regarding the topic therapy has covered. It was about 2+ years prior to that beginning, I found myself drawn to trans advocacy. I followed a blogger, and then spread out from there to follow many on Twitter. Twitter for me is very selective and meant to build compassion among us. I am very aware of the political problems for the trans and non-binary community, but alas, I don't know, nor have any friends in the community; that is, unless one whom I've met because of Twitter, and 2 of her friends count? They don't know me, and I doubt follow what I write? I can't bring myself to write boldly that I'm non-binary on Twitter. It's probably obvious because I tweet and retweet, or respond to hundreds of tweets a month? I wrote it in my bio for about 3 days, and then chickened out. I have some family that follow me on Twitter, and I can't have anything get back to my partner. It's that bad a fear. It would be a very bad disruption of all stability I think I have at present. I don't want advice nor comment about that, to be told I can make a change is too dismissive of what I am very aware of. It's a very long story and too much to discuss here. Please know I want support, but this topic is something I need to say, but can't have response to this specific thing. My partner is a very big problem, but I have no choices, and must endure. To endure, the barely stable self-care I can manage about it needs lots and lots of love, not advice. 

Thank You