[ti]warning[/ti]This life

[ceremony]

This is a very interesting moment. I'm full of lucid rage. I'm extremely angry, justifiably. 

Though, I've no outlet to process it. It's the kind of rage that builds up and something triggers it. 

I'm an empathic person. And my need, from the intensity of what I know, has to be processed.


I'm trying music and this thread to mellow the storm. It is already affecting my body, so, sleep is far off. 

Here's an old song I play about this.

[Trinity]

Your are not alone on the rage, I think most of us here have a measure of it, some more than others.

I have been down that road and came back from it but it has taken years and it can still trigger quickly.

I'm sure you will get a bunch of comments about it.

It took a lot of work for me to overcome, music helps, dance helps, hard physical work helps and avoiding the agents of the matix and the crap coming out of their mouths really helps. Detachment is a big deal too.

But yeah its not easy in the least and there are places I do not let my mind go to, its like, not there Trinity, let it go, stay in the now.....

[Leena]

I don't want to be an angry person. There's a whole lot of people that seem to want to be angry, perhaps even like it.

I mostly left my rage behind. I might not have been able to do this so easily if I didn't basically leave my old life behind. There's of course always going to be new things that get me angry, but I try not to dwell on them.

[Ativan Prescribed]

A quote I use now and then, because it's true, you have no idea how much longer you will be around, death can come quickly and you might not even be aware it happened, if there is an afterlife.
In view of my impending death, I don't have time for crappy thoughts.
Most everything in life is somehow connected to the current of rage in me, I don't deny its there, it has kept me alive at times, I wouldn't be here without it.
But that sense of it all being connected, to me it is simply a choice to bring it up or not, most of the time I let it surface is to help align everything else, its a tool.
But It is kinda scary the depths that it can go, and I've been there and still never saw how far it really goes, primeval brain stuff, and it isn't one of those it's in this globular thing piece of brain, it resides in all of it.
It's in every thought but has no power so its ineffective at altering judgment and emotions, its a tool that can push your adrenaline into overdrive, you've heard stories about feats of strength and endurance, rage is behind it all, the tool that was needed at the time.
Don't buy into the idea that you need to suppress it, you only have to control it and once you see it as a means to an end for whatever reason, its done and shuts off or you shut it down, it isn't like once out of its cage it can never be put back in and the apocalypse is going to be your fault.
It isn't any different than so many other things you use as the tools to get you from this second of reality to the next, It might take a bit for the adrenaline to reach a better level, but rage can be back in its bed snoozing while that happens.
Don't see it as a negative, it is if you use it that way and those who do need to be told to stop, but it isn't any different than the mild form of it, just being mad, and we all know how to use that to rectify things so they fall into normal again.
But this idea that they are negative and therefore harmful and needs a EPA Super Site for Hazardous crud designation on your head just isn't how it works, don't be afraid of the things people say you need to stay away from, I have saved lives by kicking mad and then rage into high gear, its a tool.

In view of my impending death, I don't have time for crappy thoughts...

[ceremony]

Please consider caution, I am going to mention childhood.

Thank you for replying, I appreciate your thoughts. I am way to much an empath, and it's been a heavy weight to allow. I do have some control over the news or what might be good, or bad, or neutral for me to hear about. I like being online, because I can rush through something I know will be very hard on me, and I can ignore it too. Then something good, or neutral I can let soak in. There are times when the volume of something in the news means many may be mentioning it, and I might feel like knowing a little more. That's when I can fall into an overload. It's not something I can turn off easily, the way my mind has been wired, it will work in some thoughts, even with breathing, meditating self care. I might put on some loud or soft music too, depending on my energy level. If I can move to it, I like loud, if I'm too tired, the soft. 

There have been 2 domestic violence murders that I'm aware, and one of them involved children. They're both hard on my mind, once I know, I can either let it process and hope the other side I will find self care, or I can try to subdue, or push it away. I usually try to process it. These 2 I am. I've had the rage and went really badly in my mind about it. I'm sort of proud I think I've processed it? Not sure, because residual, but as I write this, I'm not tense. A good sign.

Children that are harmed will be the most difficult for me. It's not so much that I was abused at home, but some things aren't easy for kids. Those that I've learned in therapy have been parts work or IFS for short. I'm very good at doing that kind of therapy in my sessions. There are many things to deal with in therapy when things happen in childhood. I had suppressed a lot of it for 39 years, and when I was 55, it smacked me upside the head. I broke.

I'm glad there are resources by phone, and online. I found some in person too. I wish the people I met wanted to start a group, but they didn't. I asked, it wasn't meant to be.

There's so much that can happen as a child. When I hear of something it can have an impact on me that I'm not sure others can understand? The empathy I have, it's visual, emotional and comes with thoughts. I am tense, but, that's not an empathy part, that's me.

There's an online group I joined to try and work on the worst childhood trauma. It's been good to write as much as I did. This has changed dramatically when being non-binary is shared. I've had a tough time reading certain things about being masculine, and things that I am not ever going to understand. I avoid those threads, but sometimes there's a bit of drift into threads I have been posting in. I'm sorry I've not been more supportive so far. I have shown years of support at the other site. It's changed so much in 2019, I'm feeling a bit of a stranger. 

I'm keeping to as vague about trauma as I can, and I hope this or other doesn't cause stress for someone. I use cautions to try and help with that, and I care. So, we can talk about it too. I like to talk, can you tell? 

Ok, thanks for reading if you've made it. 

Be well, and take care.