How has your understanding of your gender changed over time?

[Trinity]

Hmmmmm.

Over the time I hit the wall and started the transition process, without knowing anything about nonbinary, or from birth?\

The biggest thing about my gender that has changed is  that I am not afraid of it anymore.  Nor am I in any way ashamed of it and who I am.

Accepting who I am, without constraint.

Just learning to breathe and to be.

And the longer I do this, the more nonbinary it is, - but the body dysphoria remains as it always has, and that's ok with me, because I fixed most of that and what I didn't fix, I don't particularly have a driving desire to fix.

So how bout you all?

[ceremony]

I'm doing well with being me. There will come a time that I can share face to face in a group. I've not experienced much about doing that, and don't feel the anxiety of awkwardness about it. In community, being me is, being me. Exciting!

[Leena]

I'm not afraid of it or ashamed of it either, perhaps I once was.

I still haven't gotten to the point that I feel comfortable going out fully feminine and I may never. It's partially that I am very dysphoric about the way certain features are, and I don't think HRT is really going to help enough in that regard, though it's helping in other ways.

The idea of doing mostly guy mode and male failing is much more appealing to me than doing totally feminine presentation and not being anywhere close to passing.

[Trinity]

Jul 17, 2019 23:07:27 GMT 8 Leena said:

I'm not afraid of it or ashamed of it either, perhaps I once was.

I still haven't gotten to the point that I feel comfortable going out fully feminine and I may never. It's partially that I am very dysphoric about the way certain features are, and I don't think HRT is really going to help enough in that regard, though it's helping in other ways.

The idea of doing mostly guy mode and male failing is much more appealing to me than doing totally feminine presentation and not being anywhere close to passing.

That's gotta hurt.

Dysphoria sucks, so does getting clocked when you are being stealth.

Sucks big time.

At least we get more of our body parts in sinc.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Mine has pretty much always been the same, but the perception over time that society has had on it has changed, I haven't, they have.
I've had my times of being fem'd out in sorta public, not walking down the street or in some place, but more of like out on the deck kinda stuff.
Those times were mostly from woman wanting to do something with my hair and me letting them, which turned into light makeup, which them brought out the clothes.
But sitting out on a deck and people being able to see me but ignoring me because deck people just aren't interesting or have a shotgun just inside, who knows...
But that's about it, in private a totally different thing, but then that is just a come and go sort of thing at best, it isn't like big dysphoria sets in, more like a just want to dress that way.
I do most of the time by wearing a skirt inside, sometimes more, but the skirt is just the thing that is the most comfortable, flowie long, light fabric.
But I don't and have never wanted to actually be seen as feminine anywhere really, the feminine is actually the dark side of me, not your average girl playing dress up.
In times of anger and especially danger, she kicks in hard and at the time presentation isn't even a thought, preservation is and once it is taken care of, the normal outside me cames back.
Much more easy going on me and others unless they just take things a step to far, I think it goes back to a self preservation mode from getting to much shit all the time as a kid.
Kinda scary is how I've been told I am at times like that and despite the actually more feminine feeling moves, they don't come across as anything helpless in the least, more like its gonna hurt you.
There is this constant thought process that is like having to sides talking, but its really just the way thoughts are coming across for myself, some are distinctly feminine and others are masculine.
Most of the time this is always going on but the flip flop of it is so fast that it feels like it is just a constant flow of both, which I suppose it is, and I don't even think about gender at times like that, which is most of the time.
But there is this difference of opinion thing that is apparent, but seems just normal to me, like seeing things two different ways at the same time, without any consideration of conflict at all, it just is.
In an overall sense, I've always been changing and my personality is always changing, I can fall into the roles I choose to be, I don't even know if there is a me other than that.
And those roles can be very different, but the thought process is always about the same, there is no usual dominate side.

[Leena]

Jul 18, 2019 9:47:04 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Jul 17, 2019 23:07:27 GMT 8 Leena said:

I'm not afraid of it or ashamed of it either, perhaps I once was.

I still haven't gotten to the point that I feel comfortable going out fully feminine and I may never. It's partially that I am very dysphoric about the way certain features are, and I don't think HRT is really going to help enough in that regard, though it's helping in other ways.

The idea of doing mostly guy mode and male failing is much more appealing to me than doing totally feminine presentation and not being anywhere close to passing.

That's gotta hurt.

Dysphoria sucks, so does getting clocked when you are being stealth.

Sucks big time.

At least we get more of our body parts in sinc.

It doesn't though. At least not like it does for binary trans people.

I'd actually love it if I were clocked for trans rather than clocked as a gay guy. I'm really just never stealth, if that is appearing to be cishet and either binary gender. With short hair, I just come off as a gay guy. With long hair, I can initially come off as a metalhead or hippie guy if I talk like those stereotypes, though eventually it goes back to me not being a cishet guy.

LGB people sometimes would figure it out though, as they usually know actual gay guys. I am not one, nor do they tend to be attracted to me. Lesbians sometimes were, strangely even when I had facial hair.

I didn't even have that much of a problem with any of this, until I started losing my hair and my facial hair started turning gray. I just cannot look like an old man. As it is now, the person staring back at me in the mirror doesn't look that much different than how I looked when I was a teenager, albeit with boobs. I don't know that I have a problem dressing more like I used to at least professionally and just using my birth name.

This doesn't mean I'm not going to stay on HRT and hope for more changes, it's just not the holy grail for me like it is for some binary trans people(and some non-binary people).

[Trinity]

Jul 19, 2019 0:47:09 GMT 8 Leena said:

Jul 18, 2019 9:47:04 GMT 8 Trinity said:

That's gotta hurt.

Dysphoria sucks, so does getting clocked when you are being stealth.

Sucks big time.

At least we get more of our body parts in sinc.

It doesn't though. At least not like it does for binary trans people.

I'd actually love it if I were clocked for trans rather than clocked as a gay guy. I'm really just never stealth, if that is appearing to be cishet and either binary gender. With short hair, I just come off as a gay guy. With long hair, I can initially come off as a metalhead or hippie guy if I talk like those stereotypes, though eventually it goes back to me not being a cishet guy.

LGB people sometimes would figure it out though, as they usually know actual gay guys. I am not one, nor do they tend to be attracted to me. Lesbians sometimes were, strangely even when I had facial hair.

I didn't even have that much of a problem with any of this, until I started losing my hair and my facial hair started turning gray. I just cannot look like an old man. As it is now, the person staring back at me in the mirror doesn't look that much different than how I looked when I was a teenager, albeit with boobs. I don't know that I have a problem dressing more like I used to at least professionally and just using my birth name.

This doesn't mean I'm not going to stay on HRT and hope for more changes, it's just not the holy grail for me like it is for some binary trans people(and some non-binary people).

LOL

When it comes to the body, I am pretty binary, just in a strange place with how I feel about my bottom.

To drop tens of thousands to get the sex organ is a lot of money, a lot of pain, and a lot of maintenance.  My gender dysphoria would qualify for it though.

However, being able to be a chameleon or fluid socially has huge benefits for me.

I just don't go in for all the super girly stuff.  But then again, most lesbians don't either, and when we start talking body vs mind in gender, it gets really interesting.  I identify as trans, nonbinary trans to be sure, or even androgyne although that can fall way short of it, even that label is insufficient to capture who I really am.

So good for you, because dysphoria totally sucks

[Leena]

I can't really do much about my bone structure, it does make me dysphoric and dressing fully feminine makes it the most noticeable thing about me. I'd much rather have it be my hair or my eyes or something else I actually like.

I also have pretty bad bottom dysphoria, but it doesn't really stop me from enjoying what I have. I am pretty binary as to what I wish I had there, though I'm not sure if I need surgery and I don't know that I could deal with the maintenance and have other things I would much rather spend that amount of money on if I had it.

While I sometimes wish I were able to be that fluid, I don't know. It seems to cause a lot of problems if people think you are cishet when you are not. I don't seem to have the type of social dysphoria a lot of binary trans people have. It's not the end of the world for me if I don't pass, though it limits how I can present.

That people get the wrong letter for LGBT when describing me isn't really that bad, it perhaps was when I was questioning, but I may have also had some internalized homophobia I needed to work through. I probably am bisexual/pansexual though I haven't really allowed myself to explore that because I didn't want to confirm they were right when they were wrong.

I'm clearly not questioning anymore, that is the biggest change that happened over time. I'm sure I am non-binary trans and I'm not going to hide it, but I'm also not going to live as binary trans women do either as that's not who I am either.

[Trinity]

Jul 19, 2019 3:46:57 GMT 8 Leena said:

I can't really do much about my bone structure, it does make me dysphoric and dressing fully feminine makes it the most noticeable thing about me. I'd much rather have it be my hair or my eyes or something else I actually like.

I also have pretty bad bottom dysphoria, but it doesn't really stop me from enjoying what I have. I am pretty binary as to what I wish I had there, though I'm not sure if I need surgery and I don't know that I could deal with the maintenance and have other things I would much rather spend that amount of money on if I had it.

While I sometimes wish I were able to be that fluid, I don't know. It seems to cause a lot of problems if people think you are cishet when you are not. I don't seem to have the type of social dysphoria a lot of binary trans people have. It's not the end of the world for me if I don't pass, though it limits how I can present.

That people get the wrong letter for LGBT when describing me isn't really that bad, it perhaps was when I was questioning, but I may have also had some internalized homophobia I needed to work through. I probably am bisexual/pansexual though I haven't really allowed myself to explore that because I didn't want to confirm they were right when they were wrong.

I'm clearly not questioning anymore, that is the biggest change that happened over time. I'm sure I am non-binary trans and I'm not going to hide it, but I'm also not going to live as binary trans women do either as that's not who I am either.

I compartmentalize things.  Who I am at home, at rest, like now is the real deal, here in a cami and skirt.  Eyes done, sh'e.  For sure.  But there are places I am stealth one way and others where I am stealth another way, and still other places where I am out as trans, present nonbinary, and just am like... so deal with it, its not a thing, lets get to work.

I do like to enjoy all of the social worlds, a lot, and the freedoms that I can get being any way I want to be.

I don't enjoy what I have on the bottom. At all.  I have to do all kinds of mental tricks to deal with that.

Accepting I was bi came after near fatal amounts of alcohol and a final oh what the heck.  But it also came with a certain support group that saw it as a positive and not a negative, if it hadn't been for them I never would have made it to 25 years old.

[Leena]

I think I can be happy enough with how I look once I finish with my electrolysis and my body fat redistributes a bit more. It's the best I can do with this body.

I tried compartmentalizing things when I was pre-anything, and I don't know I just feel like I'm lying. Now if I'm hiding in plain sight and people still see me as a cis guy, so what. It should be obvious I'm transitioning or at least GNC, but some people are instead just oblivious.

That has to be rough with bottom dysphoria like that. I just like the aesthetics of a vagina so much more, and think I would look better with one, but I also think penises look silly on everyone that has one.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Everything is compartmentalized for me, I can't think of anything that isn't.
It's the way things just are, because of different people and different things, I have to do that, most of them don't bend very well.
There are times where I don't think I am doing that, but before the day is over, its the way it always is.
To many different things going on, to many different things I like and want to do, I can see each one in its little place, swirling around in my head.
But I've always been like this, the little things are just as important as the big picture is, and they all are going on at the same time.
The ability to conceptualize things into what they really are at least to me has always been the deciding factor in what my future is going to be, short and long term.
Each thing is important to a larger thing that I am thinking about over time, its keeping the little things where I know I will use them most likely for the larger things.
Spooky shit goes on in my head sometimes, but its usually when something is just running loose in my thoughts, a big distraction but one that can be fun when done right.