working trans - nonbinary - us

[Trinity]

Interesting day.

Went to the old job.  I need to be super careful.  Even though I am out, and everyone knows, its fairly obvious that anything related to my gender needs to be ignored, by everyone.

What about you?

[Leena]

Working at home on my small business.

I really need to make this work, otherwise I will have to go back to job hunting.

I'm just not ready to work in girl mode, and not really wanting to work in guy mode ever again. I need more electrolysis and also to be able to take a few hours a week off each week to get it done.

Also, this sort of is another binary/non-binary decision. Most binary trans people just come out and start applying as their gender after a certain point in their transition. I don't really know if most non-binary people do this, I'm sure some just work under their AAB gender and name. I halfway tried this awhile back, and applied to a number of jobs as PJ, but I don't really want to be PJ at work, I want to be Leena.

[Trinity]

I'm not happy with my behavior today, I was way on stage, way defensive and all the coping mechs were in play. With people I thought it was safe with I cracked a few jokes, but the place is way more professional than I remember it, and frankly the stuff I did in trans puberty I am either embarrassed or ashamed of.

A lot of memories got kicked up today, and some fears.

I am going to be very low profile, kinda not too visible, the trans ring and wedding rings stay on, but no makeup, no clothes, just this kinda long haired andro looking person doing the all pro thing.

Was wonderful seeing old friends there.

Yeah, I am unnerved today.

[Ativan Prescribed]

NB is not a thing that is obvious to others, it can be really one thing to cis and then on the other hand, a nothing if nothing is said.
So its up to the person, if you have a presentation that draws attention, then job hunting is going to be harder.
Same as a presentation out and about, if people look, then you are scaring them because they don't understand it and it is a how can that be sort of thing, same as if you had your skin turned blue.
People don't give a shit about anyone else unless it is off their charts of what they think is normal, so blue skin is going to make them wonder and in there somewhere they will decide it is not normal so you need skin conversion therapy from a unchristian quack.
That you can work at home and get the things done that you need to do, it just makes sense to buckle down and work the market to get what you want, money...
I'd be doing that or else having to do the act all day long again, and that leaves little time to actually be living and that just takes away the fun of it.
Work the market like your electrolysis needs it.

[Trinity]

May 21, 2019 5:17:32 GMT 8 Leena said:

Working at home on my small business.

I really need to make this work, otherwise I will have to go back to job hunting.

I'm just not ready to work in girl mode, and not really wanting to work in guy mode ever again. I need more electrolysis and also to be able to take a few hours a week off each week to get it done.

Also, this sort of is another binary/non-binary decision. Most binary trans people just come out and start applying as their gender after a certain point in their transition. I don't really know if most non-binary people do this, I'm sure some just work under their AAB gender and name. I halfway tried this awhile back, and applied to a number of jobs as PJ, but I don't really want to be PJ at work, I want to be Leena.

I can suit up and show up in a presentation that makes folks more comfortable, thats the advantage of being fluid, though even though I was male presenting today, my body did not react male, my body language had to be reading sh'e.  Especially as I began dealing with the men, and that got embarrassing, its just how it works and you can't stuff it back into the bag or the closet, it was always like that but now as a freed transperson, trying to act like a guy is just stupid.

It was nice to see the cfo or whatever he is who is very gay, big ally there.

I'm pretty messed up from my last job, traumatized, its still in play.

And my hair is FINALLY at a level that is not triggering massive dysphoria.  I don't want to cut it.

I think things are going to be ok, but I have to be very careful.

Working right now at home, short shorts and a bra and nothing else except what I always wear under those shorts.  

And you know it aint no boxers.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I have my Matrix characters down still, they were my basic person at a few jobs and at times just to play it safe.
I can always rock a three piece suit, it just works for me, the way I move is covered up by the general attitude that I can carry with me.
Confidence, again, confidence. Thanks for giving me that word back to use as the explanation of how to do most everything.
I makes you bigger than you are, in a lot more ways than just size, your intelligence is another one, your sense of how you treat others and the sense of fair play, confidence is the basic building block for a lot of things.
Just don't try to do the John Wayne walk like in the movie Birdcage... A good funny movie about trying to appear as a straight guy when you are a flaming gay guy who does drag for a living.

[Leena]

May 21, 2019 5:48:03 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I can suit up and show up in a presentation that makes folks more comfortable, thats the advantage of being fluid, though even though I was male presenting today, my body did not react male, my body language had to be reading sh'e.  Especially as I began dealing with the men, and that got embarrassing, its just how it works and you can't stuff it back into the bag or the closet, it was always like that but now as a freed transperson, trying to act like a guy is just stupid.

It was nice to see the cfo or whatever he is who is very gay, big ally there.

I'm pretty messed up from my last job, traumatized, its still in play.

And my hair is FINALLY at a level that is not triggering massive dysphoria.  I don't want to cut it.

I think things are going to be ok, but I have to be very careful.

Working right now at home, short shorts and a bra and nothing else except what I always wear under those shorts.  

And you know it aint no boxers.

Trying to act like a guy is stupid, though I don't know that I would want to act too differently than I have in the past, especially around people who knew me when I was totally closeted. It's not really like I acted too much different than a cis woman might, I just dressed like a guy in the past. I never really tried to act like the guys I've worked with much, I don't get it, they're always just goofing around in a way that seemed unnatural to me, and I can't even do it right if I try.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I fall into the characters that I have chosen because I can make them work, the personality goes along with them, that is the character.
The alpha male is hard to keep up day after day, but the just another guy mode works pretty good and then throw in the alpha every so often.
I don't know, I've always been able to mimic other people with ease, pick up the way they walk and the way they talk is easier.
Getting the stance down and keeping it going can be hard, but I used several different people who all acted like hard ass's and took some of their best stuff to use.
It does get to be too weird after a while, and sometimes it really does feel like I'm wearing a mask, like that feeling you still have your shades on after you take them off, I reach up as if the mask needs adjusting.
It gets to be a thing at times that I just have to stop it, and that is vacations or another job, or extended vacation just being a goof off.
But to me it seems like anyone can learn to do the dance that another person does, after all, they are just acting themselves, everyone does that.

[Leena]

May 21, 2019 7:07:44 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

I fall into the characters that I have chosen because I can make them work, the personality goes along with them, that is the character.
The alpha male is hard to keep up day after day, but the just another guy mode works pretty good and then throw in the alpha every so often.
I don't know, I've always been able to mimic other people with ease, pick up the way they walk and the way they talk is easier.
Getting the stance down and keeping it going can be hard, but I used several different people who all acted like hard ass's and took some of their best stuff to use.
It does get to be too weird after a while, and sometimes it really does feel like I'm wearing a mask, like that feeling you still have your shades on after you take them off, I reach up as if the mask needs adjusting.
It gets to be a thing at times that I just have to stop it, and that is vacations or another job, or extended vacation just being a goof off.
But to me it seems like anyone can learn to do the dance that another person does, after all, they are just acting themselves, everyone does that.

I'm not sure on that, I can learn the lingo and do the things they do as far as work goes, but I just can't act like a guy. I really have had to try really hard to suppress the girl in me, which ends up me being a person that's serious all the time and basically is like a Vulcan.

They usually end up seeing through that anyway if I stick around long enough. I can look like a guy, and that throws them off for awhile. Not really wanting to do that anymore, maybe I still can if I really have to, but I'm not sure I really have to.

I can either make this business successful and be me, or I can try to get a job as a non-passing trans woman. I'm not quite as fluid as I once thought I was. I can do guy mode to do something like drop the car off at a mechanic and take the bus home, doing it for 40+ hours a week around people that I see every day really wears on me.

[Trinity]

My body takes over and outs me.

Its physical.

The discomfort triggers defence mechs, get them laughing, deflect ayyention, control focus, all kinds of fear driven behavior.

Or ultra pro mode which is safesy.

Noyhing sane in it, allcrafted from prior abuse and trying to protect.

In theater i didnt have to do that.

Thank God i work from a home office.

[Becky]

I work in male clothes, and I can only imagine that I will ALWAYS work in male clothes. But I am less and less willing to attempt to "act" like a guy while I teach or interact with students and colleagues. I have trouble acting masculine in a believable way.

In college, before I really understood myself, I declared myself a "flaming heterosexual" to my friends. That's probably how I come across to my students.

[Ativan Prescribed]

When I was in junior high school, we walked everywhere, and a few miles was nothing, did it most everyday.
So my friend who walks like he has springs under his shoes tells me that I walk like a girl, so I ask him what that looks like and that.
He always walked the same, I could spot him in a crowd from a mile away, but after showing me the differences, I just practiced it all the time until I was doing it without thinking.
Then there were the gestures as well, and the same thing, except a lot of hands in pockets at times.
Later I just watched the various moves that really set the alphas apart, it wasn't eve an overall thing, just those gestures that defined that person.
Simple things like holding a cup of coffee just so was important and I did it better, same with drinking beer, there are signature ways that people drink and those were easy.
But all along in junior high, it just was a thing for me to take those things that others did and pick the best of them to use myself, the characters are just a lot of people, even hollywood.
I can do the mean ass Clint Eastwood kind of scowl and talk through gritted teeth and sound just pissed, not at anything, but that just pissed in general.
I did learn some good moves with handguns and I'm proficient with a .308 and a scope, 800 yards is about the max but can be done, so that is impressive to the other guys who can't get past 400 yards.
Same thing there, the trick shit with handguns isn't from one person but from a lot of them and again hollywood, there are some good moves there.
If I want to just be the all around good guy kind of person, that is the easiest, I just have to hold back on the movements some, but the way I use my voice is my real one and bot the deeper gotta get that crud out of my throat put on one.
Super easy to be the very best when with a bunch of woman, they kinda just get a lot closer than men ever would and that brings up the way to touch other people, there are strict ways to doing that, do it wrong and you get the look right away.
But again those are super practiced and I used them in sales all the time, it kinda set the deals in motion that I was on their side and that I was going to get them the deal, half the time I would just sit in the sales manager's office whether he was in there or not and just sit for the right amount of time that this person could take, and then go tell him the last offer was the last offer, but maybe I can get a discount on a few hundred dollars worth of accessories and parts stuff, which they always got anyways.
So it isn't like there is this person that i am the character of, its all of them pretty much, just spread out and using the best ones that fit the situation, just practiced it and although it is hard to stop some of it, I hardly ever do it anymore, there is no need to.
Maybe it just is easy for me to do, but at first it was really hard but I learned my own ways of doing this, and it got easier, life is a stage to me, and everyone is an actor, everyone does it anyways.
And this is the thing, check yourself out and think about it as you say and do things out on the streets and watch others as they go from one person to another, there are parts we are expected to play and if not, then doing it in a spectacular way gets the applause.
I assume that people are watching me even if there isn't any around, if they see me from a ways off, the gestures are bigger until they get closer, and this can all be good or bad and everything in between.
I think that people develop who they are seen as by taking from bits and pieces of their lives and then using them,, like the bitter old man takes the who is me shit over the top and then the nice neighbor lady is just being that way to be able to find some gossip on you.
The motives that people have aren't always as nice as they can get you to believe, and the other way around, a person can suddenly just do something that sets them apart from everyone else.
One big truth is that everyone lies all the time, you can't help it, it is almost always because you don't have enough information but want to be seen as knowledgeable. then there are the tall tales and then there is everything in between.
but people habitually lie even to themselves, its how we are taught to deal with others in society, even the very best of upbringing is going to have that built into it, because the person teaching you does it and the older they get as parents, the bigger the lies they tell to keep you under control because teens are always out of control, been there and done that on both sides.
It isn't like we lie to gain something, it is just the way we manipulate things so its easier for ourselves, like the old Hey look thing and then taking something you want sort of thing, you know you're going to get caught.
But the people who say they never lie are lying right there, the thing is that it is tolerated to a point and then it gets old fast, taking something in fun is one thing, keeping it is another.

But I believe that you honestly think that there isn't much you can do to portray yourself as more masculine, and that it does take up a lot of time until you get it down.
Time is better spent making money so you can buy things that get you to where you are going.
To do things in the very best of ways, we always have to be honest with ourselves, to live spectacularly, we need to be that in our honest assessment of ourselves.
This is where the fact that it is mostly lies gets to be the problem, if we lie to ourselves, then think about it, who are we then?
You lose all of your identity when you do that and living with all the gusto that you can, isn't going to happen, because you will never know if it is just you lying to yourself or not, you will nag yourself to death over that alone.