The difference between your sex, identity, gender...

[Trinity]

Its a confusing thing for me.  

I have the binary trans body thing, took the actions, fixed a lot of it, have the leftover below which I have to ignore to avoid dysphoria.  Even if I take my underwear down I have to keep that covered up.

I have the nonbinary social interaction thing, and the lesbian kind of thing where its like a dominant lesbian woman, the sex is under the clothes and the clothes are either female or male branded, depending on my circumstances.  And the body moves differently too, based on how I interact with the matrix, this is natural, its not something I put on or consciously do, it just is, its my truth in the situations that arize.  At rest it is usually sh'e, under duress it will be they or he, if you want to gender the body language, and I suppose you can, but its natural.  I can't describe this in other than binary terms very well without writing a paragraph about the body language.

But the awareness of the core is where it's nonbinary, and that is why I say my gender is nonbinary, because in my core, how I percieve myself, is nonbinary.  Yet, if I gave myself permission, I could easily be swallowed in the binary, but it would eventually boomerang I think back to NB, NB is the truth, but part can dominate and be totally immersive, and it is, if I only let go.

I am not a woman, I am trans.  I am not a man crossdressing, I am trans, I am nonbinary, tranistioned to me.

And lets not hijack trans to mean transsexual, which is at root the woman trapped in the mans body, or vica versa, for the sake of this discussion.   My soul is much more complicated than that.

Classic DES conversion for me, so clear in my mind on that.  But that is not relevevant to the question.

What is the difference between your sex (whether corrected or not), your identity, and your gender?  And you could add in your sexuality as well if you want.

Thoughts?

[Leena]

My answers to these questions change and that's a problem for me, and part of my fluidity.

I'm close to binary trans when I am flipped feminine like 99%, and when I'm flipped masculine I'm closer to center, like 60% masculine/40% feminine. I don't entirely like putting numbers on it, but yeah language is binary, the percentage is the shortest way to describe my situation. I'm very rarely flipped anything other than those two, and I'm flipped feminine like most, though not all of the time. There were times I wished I could be flipped fully masculine, but I never thought I was actually quite there.

I've only had sex when I was flipped masculine and with women and I enjoyed it. I haven't really explored anything else that much nor do I really care to.

I can't be a shapeshifter, I could physically transition things down there exactly once. I might like that end result, or might not and be even more dysphoric. It doesn't really make sense to me to transition since I don't like the idea of being penetrated and like sex itself as things are.

Really, if I could actually live as being that 60/40 super feminine straight guy things would be fine, the world seems to force me into being binary cis male instead though, and if I have to be binary I'd rather be a binary trans woman.

This world won't allow super feminine straight guys, for whatever reason...

[Trinity]

Mar 9, 2019 6:34:11 GMT 8 Leena said:

My answers to these questions change and that's a problem for me, and part of my fluidity.

I'm close to binary trans when I am flipped feminine like 99%, and when I'm flipped masculine I'm closer to center, like 60% masculine/40% feminine. I don't entirely like putting numbers on it, but yeah language is binary, the percentage is the shortest way to describe my situation. I'm very rarely flipped anything other than those two, and I'm flipped feminine like most, though not all of the time. There were times I wished I could be flipped fully masculine, but I never thought I was actually quite there.

I've only had sex when I was flipped masculine and with women and I enjoyed it. I haven't really explored anything else that much nor do I really care to.

I can't be a shapeshifter, I could physically transition things down there exactly once. I might like that end result, or might not and be even more dysphoric. It doesn't really make sense to me to transition since I don't like the idea of being penetrated and like sex itself as things are.

Really, if I could actually live as being that 60/40 super feminine straight guy things would be fine, the world seems to force me into being binary cis male instead though, and if I have to be binary I'd rather be a binary trans woman.

This world won't allow super feminine straight guys, for whatever reason...

This why when i am out andro theres an edge there.  Instead of effeminate guy I read as badass rocker hippy, or now that i am older, well, nobody screws with me here. 

It might be how i carry myself, social conditioning indicting "dont f-- with me.

Learned that in high school.

[Trinity]

Mar 9, 2019 6:34:11 GMT 8 Leena said:

My answers to these questions change and that's a problem for me, and part of my fluidity.

I'm close to binary trans when I am flipped feminine like 99%, and when I'm flipped masculine I'm closer to center, like 60% masculine/40% feminine. I don't entirely like putting numbers on it, but yeah language is binary, the percentage is the shortest way to describe my situation. I'm very rarely flipped anything other than those two, and I'm flipped feminine like most, though not all of the time. There were times I wished I could be flipped fully masculine, but I never thought I was actually quite there.

I've only had sex when I was flipped masculine and with women and I enjoyed it. I haven't really explored anything else that much nor do I really care to.

I can't be a shapeshifter, I could physically transition things down there exactly once. I might like that end result, or might not and be even more dysphoric. It doesn't really make sense to me to transition since I don't like the idea of being penetrated and like sex itself as things are.

Really, if I could actually live as being that 60/40 super feminine straight guy things would be fine, the world seems to force me into being binary cis male instead though, and if I have to be binary I'd rather be a binary trans woman.

This world won't allow super feminine straight guys, for whatever reason...

One of the things in this i find interesting is the seeming paradox physically.

For me, in bed, its all girl parts in play.  Thheres an imversion in my head, my sex part is a passive organ, not a penetrating one.


I prefer to be physically all she in bed.


Even with women and me as a top, i always had to think of myself as physicaly female.  And there was mental dissassociation with the penis, its like it was a third party.  Not part of me.


It was this way for me from birth.


But I never can look at a woman and think I am one of them.  And that makes me jealous.


Yet i could not imagine growing up as a female in the matrix.  School for cisgirls seams to be brutal.


Interesting.  h

[Ativan Prescribed]

Growing up I had an interest in woman for the reason I was attracted to them because it seemed more like me than men do.
But as I got older I figured it out as being a either or neither or kind of thing.
It wasn't until after high school that I really felt like I had no gender and gender itself seemed strange and wrong.
But depending on the situation, if it calls for being more of the one of the guys thing and that solves any problem I'm having.
But I certainly don't feel any more masculine than I do at any other time.
Same with the things you all identify as feminine, that just doesn't fly for me, it's always a part of me that I can use in the matrix, but do I feel feminine? No.
Those terms work only inside the matrix, I don't live there and am always on the outside of it, I see it and ignore it for the most part.
The reason I say I'm not either gender is really that unless I am inside the matrix and using it to get from here to there, gender simply isn't a thing and neither is masculine and feminine.
What you identify by using the matrix, locks you in step with the matrix, you essentially are still a part of it.
I stress this point because no matter what, you all revert back to this identity crisis of what gender, how much, being feminine or masculine, dealing with situations as if you have to be a different person.
You don't, all of that is in you all the time, you pull it to the front as you need to and only in the ways you need.
You can't be this much and then turn around and say but at times it's this much, and I get the way it is said is just the easy way to say it, but that concept is totally bogus, you are you and you can't be two different persons.
You can pretend to be a different person, but you are basing it on who you are and you pull what you need to the front to get there.
Think of it as like an emotion, and don't gender any of those, it isn't fair to yourself to do that, you use emotions as you need them and they come to the front in the ways that you need.
What you are calling gender is that made up shit that runs the matrix, which is entirely made up itself, gender is a made up thing so even calling it by the term gender is borderline made up itself.
You have your sex, if you want to pay to find out the number of chromosomes that identify your sex, you can and in each case if it isn't male or female, then there is a term for it and that becomes a so what anyways.
Ity can be a concern in certain situations that deal with your body, and some can be extreme, but in most of those cases, the people have no idea and never will unless a very specific thing comes up that it concerns.
There is no sliding scale for that, you just are and that is all the identifier for sex is, it has nothing to do with emotions, most of those are a learned experience, and over and over one as well.
That someone somewhere decided that those needed to be labeled as on sex or the other is the faulty old neanderthal thing, even the neanderthal had their shit together, seems like they were into art first.
But that hunter gatherer thing is a made up by men, they want to be dominant, but everyone does, it's a built in mechanism for survival, there is no can't be dominant and have to be dependent on the dominant, it just isn't there.
It's the made up story told over and over and it wasn't like there was a meeting and everyone voted on it, leaving out the ones they decided needed dependence on them so their vote didn't count, but that never happened.
Instead, because men are built a bit bigger and stronger than women, they did the kick your ass thing, they staked out what they wanted and left the rest and then said go make a damn sandwich or you get no help that you have to have from men because they just said so.
Really, the same holds true for different people from different places, way back when, the smaller ones generally got their ass's kicked.
Dominance, everyone goes for it, but the smaller get left behind because bigger was better back then, but what happened was women just learned to control men in ways they didn't realize.
Women got smarter and agile, learned to get out of the way of the swinging arm aimed at them when men became frustrated that they just couldn't figure out why they didn't have total dominance.
And so the stories go through time and they are told over and over and things are tossed in and things get forgotten, but in the stories, women depend on men to protect them and give the shelter, all women have to do is make that damn sandwich, learn to sew hides together and stuff like that, but all in all, everyone knew how to do what the other was doing to keep things rolling along, dominating nature.
In order to keep the things going that you do this and we do that, they made up this concept of gender, and that is simply the skills and emotions that people have... there is more but this is a simple explanation.
Over time it became the separation that men needed to be in charge of whatever they wanted, and it is a huge part of what society is about, so to them, gender is everything whether they know it or not.
The matrix is this societal construct based on a concept that was made up so that basically the status quo remains the same, men get to vote and be the ones who do the important to them things.
It's why it has been so hard for woman to even get recognition for what they do and in a lot of ways they do more and do it better, they are at the point now where they have proven that they are not only the equals of the made up matrix genders of ,ale and female, they are proving they can do it better, fighter pilots, CEO's, maybe the next president, they certainly proved that are on a roll in the midterms.
What that does is break the stranglehold on them and in doing so, gender becomes much less important, it is proven by how people do things in their lives.
But segments just won't let that go because in reality, they can't make sandwiches worth a shit, so they want the way it was with them being able to say sandwich and they get the one they like, not the one that is easier, but whatever it is they want.
In order to preserve this, they are now labeled as the bigots, because a lot of people just don't use gender as a weapon for dominance, they prove their worth and that is much more important than gender.
So it is going off t the side and because it is a made up thing, nobody who can prove their worth gives a shit, it was a bad way to run a society in the first place.
Things change over time and this is one that is changing pretty fast considering.
It had its run and now worth has replaced it for many people and they aren't relying on this magical made up shit that you are like this because your gender, there is no gender, it is made up as a way to assert dominance.
So go back to square one and think it through, you have all of the things that are you no matter what, you pull things to the front as you need them, and because gender is not real, then it can't be brought to the front, so when you use the same old gender rules of masculine and feminine, you are playing into the matrix again, in a sense it is demoralizing and allows in some ways for you to lose your worth as a person.
I stress that gender is just a way that society uses these made up rules of the made up gender to make things run the way they want, but that is coming to an end and there are the bigots who hold onto it for not other reason than they have little self worth if they lose this set of rules they made up so they can have their sandwich and eat it too....

[Leena]

That's all well and good, but I can't live like this.

I've tried living as out mostly as androgynous or visibly trans for the last few years, and this isn't even really living. Most binary people avoid me, except if I make it seem I'm binary trans. The rare times people haven't been rude to me were the times I was growing my beard out for electrolysis and dressed more masculine and had to go out for some reason.

I can't imagine getting a real job presenting like this, and freelancing sucks. You really do need to pick one of the binary genders to have most binary people interact with you unless you are real comfortable talking about gender, which despite me talking a lot about it online, in person I'm not. I don't think I ever will be comfortable talking about this in person, at least with cis people, and because of stupid non-clocking culture, trans people won't approach me, and I can't approach them without potentially ruining their day. I've always been the type of person that needs to be approached though, and really even pushed into things or else I won't do them.

This world isn't good for someone exactly like me, I could probably live like a binary trans woman, and keep my mental fluidity to myself if I had a different face, but that's not happening. The idea of going back to living like a cis man and keeping my fluidity to myself does not seem very appealling though. I really miss actually having friends and having a career and having girlfriends though. The idea that this year is turning out to be the same as the last is starting to get to me. I feel like I'm just wasting time.

[Jade]

Mar 9, 2019 16:51:53 GMT 8 Leena said:

That's all well and good, but I can't live like this.

I've tried living as out mostly as androgynous or visibly trans for the last few years, and this isn't even really living. Most binary people avoid me, except if I make it seem I'm binary trans. The rare times people haven't been rude to me were the times I was growing my beard out for electrolysis and dressed more masculine and had to go out for some reason.

I can't imagine getting a real job presenting like this, and freelancing sucks. You really do need to pick one of the binary genders to have most binary people interact with you unless you are real comfortable talking about gender, which despite me talking a lot about it online, in person I'm not. I don't think I ever will be comfortable talking about this in person, at least with cis people, and because of stupid non-clocking culture, trans people won't approach me, and I can't approach them without potentially ruining their day. I've always been the type of person that needs to be approached though, and really even pushed into things or else I won't do them.

This world isn't good for someone exactly like me, I could probably live like a binary trans woman, and keep my mental fluidity to myself if I had a different face, but that's not happening. The idea of going back to living like a cis man and keeping my fluidity to myself does not seem very appealling though. I really miss actually having friends and having a career and having girlfriends though. The idea that this year is turning out to be the same as the last is starting to get to me. I feel like I'm just wasting time.

I’ve had many of the same feelings, a few years ago, when I came out to my gf at the time about my gender, and it did not go well. I was also super confused, trying to find work, and a new partner. Problem was, I looked for all of it in the same place, the bottom of a glass of whiskey. Somehow, I found a way out. When I least expected it, I met a girl that lived over 2000 miles away from me, and within 2 months of meeting, I moved across the country so we could be together. It took a little while until o felt comfortable enough to tell her about myself, but she accepted and supported me from the beginning. We are now married, buying a house, and trying to start a family. I’m even interviewing for the second time, for a job in a lingerie store, where they fully accept me, and I can feel comfortable to come to work, how I feel most comfortable. Things are going great.
And of course, things are still confusing, but my point is, it will happen for you too.
In the spirit of the original question, I tend to feel feminine all of the time, despite being born male. For me, I do actually feel comfortable saying that my confusion isn’t caused by not knowing what gender I most feel inside. My confusion comes from separating my female self, from my old, male self, and my past. It also comes from the fact the my wife and I want to have a family, which means that I can not start to transition until after we are successful. That may take a long time, as my wife has some health issues that make it a little difficult. This means, that not only can I not transition, but I have to have a lot of sex, in a way that doesn’t really feel quite right to me. I prefer to be penetrated during sex, and prefer to not use my parts at all really. But that doesn’t work when you’re trying to get pregnant. Side note, nothing will make you feel binary gendered like trying to make a baby.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to write so much, but it happens 
Its just like, my opinion man

[Trinity]

I needed to sleep on Ativan's reply, and I woke up with some clarity I have not had before.

And honestly I have not read the other replies yet.

This is my take on it this morning.

As it relates to the matrix, the construct if you will, sure, I get that it is illusory, but I would also say that it is physically based as well. Its what is done with that physical base, that becomes the matrix. So gender, to me, is physically based. The construct, is how the matrix is applied to that physical base.

My gender identity is nonbinary trans, as I wrote on the thread, and my goal is to free that identity.

Sh'e in me, has been captive for decades, it has been a major battle to free h'er. Always there is someone somewhere who wants to stifle h'er identity, to mold it into the image of what they want, instead of the image of who sh'e really is. And that is the matrix.

We have to be careful not to exchange one matrix for another, the matrix is perception, the perception of the world, its influences, and our reactions to it.

By rejecting the entire matrix, we can miss some things, things that are hours. As it is said in the movie, my brain tells me this is a steak, it maybe coding, but in the matrix, it is a steak, delicious, and there are many things in the matrix that are like that, delicious, and I am not one to turn away from it.

So within the matrix, as a nonbinary trans person, I will use the ladies bathrooms and interact with the women as a woman. In the mens bathrooms, I will go stealth, to eliminate the threats that are there due to my appearence.

But, and this is key, when we are nonbinary, we are litterally born out of the matrix. Whether nonbinary trans or whether trans itself, something is different.

And from the nonbinary paradigm, the binary matrix would look aburd, for if nonbinary, you can be who you are, outside of the binary world, and live it out. Choosing to blend or not to blend.

The binary perception is that nonbinary is false, because for them, it is false, they do not understand or validate it as truth.

The nonbinary perception is that binary is false, because for them, it is false, they do not understand or validate it as truth.

But each has something to share, and to value, whether trapped in the binary matrix of society, or freed from it.

What I woke up to was the reality of nonbinary trans, of being sh'e.

It was the reality of my hardwired brain stem as trans, a female physical wiring within the body assigned at birth. Does that make it female? No. It makes it my own body, its out of the matrix, its exactly what I wrote, the wiring with a body that did not match prior to transition, and possibly could never truly match, just as no picture captures the entitity of who I am, which resulted in multiple avatar pics for me.

So sh'e fights the matrix, to be freed, as others do crazy things, like cut off h'er hair, I/sh'e still rage over that act of ultimate bigotry and violence, it is almost as bad as the face spit, or the bleed out, or the turning away from the apartment, the binary matrix can and is an evil place, but we can separate from that evil.

So living in the matrix is difficult, but it does not change who we are, we take that with us whereever we go, however we dressed.

Repression of the truth of who we are is the biggest issue, ridding the social conditioning, seeing from other perspectives, and that can shirt how we see ourselves, and free us, or bind us.

So for me this morning, the earliest childhood memories returned, and I remain sh'e, in truth.

I move withing the matrix in many ways, but I will always be sh'e, and in the dark of the night, it is who I am.

Whether binary or nonbinary, it is not a percentage of this or that, it is simply sh'e. Who I am in the night, who I need to be.

Revealing h'er is like it is for any woman, in the bedroom, as sh'e shares h'erself with h'er mates, the outer comes off, who sh'e is becomes revealed, and as trust builds, sh'e gives h'erself to h'er lover, letting them into h'er body and h'er soul and mind, opening to them.

That is my experience of it. So when we talk of gender, and the body, and all of that, I would argue that it is not gender, but our identies as who we are, that is truly important. And that transcends gender, gender is a part of it, but our identities, are ourselves, as we truly are, moving through the matrix, the matrix of the binary, of the nonbinary, of this earth, of ourselves, as we live out this momentary illusion of life in the physical world, preparing for the joy of the world that is beyond.

[Trinity]

Mar 9, 2019 22:18:43 GMT 8 Jade said:

Mar 9, 2019 16:51:53 GMT 8 Leena said:

That's all well and good, but I can't live like this.

I've tried living as out mostly as androgynous or visibly trans for the last few years, and this isn't even really living. Most binary people avoid me, except if I make it seem I'm binary trans. The rare times people haven't been rude to me were the times I was growing my beard out for electrolysis and dressed more masculine and had to go out for some reason.

I can't imagine getting a real job presenting like this, and freelancing sucks. You really do need to pick one of the binary genders to have most binary people interact with you unless you are real comfortable talking about gender, which despite me talking a lot about it online, in person I'm not. I don't think I ever will be comfortable talking about this in person, at least with cis people, and because of stupid non-clocking culture, trans people won't approach me, and I can't approach them without potentially ruining their day. I've always been the type of person that needs to be approached though, and really even pushed into things or else I won't do them.

This world isn't good for someone exactly like me, I could probably live like a binary trans woman, and keep my mental fluidity to myself if I had a different face, but that's not happening. The idea of going back to living like a cis man and keeping my fluidity to myself does not seem very appealling though. I really miss actually having friends and having a career and having girlfriends though. The idea that this year is turning out to be the same as the last is starting to get to me. I feel like I'm just wasting time.

I’ve had many of the same feelings, a few years ago, when I came out to my gf at the time about my gender, and it did not go well. I was also super confused, trying to find work, and a new partner. Problem was, I looked for all of it in the same place, the bottom of a glass of whiskey. Somehow, I found a way out. When I least expected it, I met a girl that lived over 2000 miles away from me, and within 2 months of meeting, I moved across the country so we could be together. It took a little while until o felt comfortable enough to tell her about myself, but she accepted and supported me from the beginning. We are now married, buying a house, and trying to start a family. I’m even interviewing for the second time, for a job in a lingerie store, where they fully accept me, and I can feel comfortable to come to work, how I feel most comfortable. Things are going great.
And of course, things are still confusing, but my point is, it will happen for you too.
In the spirit of the original question, I tend to feel feminine all of the time, despite being born male. For me, I do actually feel comfortable saying that my confusion isn’t caused by not knowing what gender I most feel inside. My confusion comes from separating my female self, from my old, male self, and my past. It also comes from the fact the my wife and I want to have a family, which means that I can not start to transition until after we are successful. That may take a long time, as my wife has some health issues that make it a little difficult. This means, that not only can I not transition, but I have to have a lot of sex, in a way that doesn’t really feel quite right to me. I prefer to be penetrated during sex, and prefer to not use my parts at all really. But that doesn’t work when you’re trying to get pregnant. Side note, nothing will make you feel binary gendered like trying to make a baby.
Anyway, I didn’t mean to write so much, but it happens 
Its just like, my opinion man

Leena your situation really sucks and I won't minimize that, its not even about gender its about rejection, and we are here for you.

J with regards to separating the components, for me  that does not work, and is not healthy.  I have to experience all of my gender simultaneiously, and the result of that became a very healthy and rather comfortable transperson that is a whole, and not a part, nor on a spectrum, but instead, a me.

Its funny that trans folk use the butterfly, the caterpillar that hatches.

Why do we try to catagorize the butterflies, instead of marvel at their beauty?  And to take it apart, well, then its only a wing, or a body, and it dies.  No, it was meant to fly, as who it was born to be, but it has to birth, whether transitioned or not, it has to fulfill its design, and that took a long time to be freed.

[Leena]

I don't know the matrix or caterpillar analogy works all that well for me.

In reality, what used to work was me living as Paul during the day, and as Leena at night. That balance got thrown off these last few years with me not having a full time job, and before that my last job messing with my hours. I can do a 9-5, but it's got to be just that. I need to be able to come home, change and then hit the town as Leena before everything closes.

A better analogy for me has been Clark Kent/Superman, he dresses and acts differently as Clark, and wears his costume underneath his work clothes, though my only superpower is that I change gender somewhat unpredictably, a bit more like the Incredible Hulk but with different triggers.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Clark Kent and Superman/ Lois Lane and Superwoman.
But you already have the shared qualities of them in you all the time, you use the ones that are better for Clark when you need and then you use the ones that are better for Lois when you need to.
The point is that all of the attributes are shared by them all, each of them just uses the ones best for the moment.
While Lois might be out front and center, Clark is still there and doing the Clark thing that Clark does in the background.
And the things they share can be used at the same time or they can have their own versions.
Going to work as Clark is a given for a lot of people who are NB, and then Lois is the who that is front and center again, nothing wrong with that.
But the consistent use of binary cis labels is exactly what the matrix is, and using the labels and letting just the labels get to you and control the what out front and center just sucks.
Instead of always thinking in terms of the matrix labels, just be (pick a name) and in that moment, know that (pick a name) is still right there, just not as front and center, maybe a little off to the side, the left maybe, whatever works in your thinking, whatever you choose besides the male and female gander labels will allow you to stop thinking that you are being just that, the label and not the you that is so intricate.
When you put a part of you up front and center, you are putting so many things about you right there thats why should gender be the confining thing that makes it not just flow?
I don't like the caterpillar thing either, it's pretty lame if you ask me, why not just say the new you and be done with it, because you aren't going to be a caterpillar, and you don't change from one to you, so the entire thing just sorta is too fucking cute for me.
But, the fluidity that you have, instead on thinking as some part is pulled out of the closet to make an appearance legit, why not see that the truth is that it is always you, and you have the intricacies under control.
Because if anyone here has the answer to how do you do the one person and then another person which is just how you show yourself, it's you.
Maybe TYrin as well, they have a system that works for them.
We are all Clark and Lois and we are all the time, to the point that Clark isn't a gender and neither is Lois.
A couple years out of high school for me and I had already been friends with gay and a couple transy kind of people, I had used makeup and dressed as a girl and got away with it.
But I still hadn't even come close to puberty, but I had all of the interactions that set the table for when they did happen, later than it should have and I hated it for a lot of reasons.
A couple years out from High School had me on the road and living in a backwater country doing weird work, and I had a girlfriend who was the one from the moment I saw her.
But she had a little lower voice than most and had a pretty nice dick, nothing for boobs, but did the makeup right and passed all the time.
So my girlfriend was, in those days, a transvestite, crossdresser if you want, so my entire ideas of what gender really meant were out the window and what was told to everyone was a lie.
I questioned my own gender again and in the end of the internal conversations, every time it was there is no gender for you, despite that puberty did it's thing and there was no mistaking me as male on the street.
But going places with the girlfriend was always an adventure, mostly because she just wasn't that afraid of what people might think, but she was never clocked as far as I know.
And as far as even calling her the girlfriend just didn't sit right either, so they became not the girlfriend, but my best friend in every way.
The entire concept of just not seeing everything as a gendered thing came from them, the conversations ran into being corrected at times and my thinking became very used to the idea that we had no gender, but we had us.
Things went sideways and I ended up back up here and to be honest a lot of memory was wiped one way or another and it took a long time to get a lot of it back.
But the genderlessness that I was, never changed to me really seeing myself as male, and the parts of me that could be seen as female just weren't, I was just me and I could see how everyone used gender for everything and as a way to guide their lives and they had their flow, but I didn't go with that flow, I had my own and still do.
Their flow is the matrix and once you stop seeing the things in it as gendered, you see the matrix for what it is, it's their safety net, their guide, their truth, their god who is a he.
It's in not seeing it as gendered if it just doesn't have a gender and most everything doesn't, a car doesn't, a ship doesn't, and a lot of clothes aren't and once you get past that, none of them are.
But they are to the people who use the matrix as their way of life, ours just doesn't mesh and once it is seen like that, the gendered stuff taken out, it is easy to work you way through it everyday.
Take the gender from most things and the nmatrix is pretty simple and easy to use just like the people in the matrix, but you can always see it as it is and you can always know your truth, that you don't need to gender yourself and most things, because it's just not necessary and besides, it's a conflict in thoughts when you feel the matrix becoming you again, even for a moment.
Let them use it as they seem to need it and they want to depend on it, it's their straight arrow, their pole to stick it where they need to.
So be Clark, why not? Be Lois, why not? And see that they both are you all the time, there is no percentage needed, no being self conscious and being afraid to be clocked, because what they think they are doing by clocking really isn't a part of who you are, they are just fucking wrong no matter how they want to say it or try to convince others with their bigotry.
If you are being you, then you look right past them because they are nothing more than a small part of the matrix they built for themselves, and it's fueld with gender.
I say that Clark and Lois don't have genders because they aren't real to begin with, they are separated by the matrix and if you want, be Clark-Lois or Lois-Clark if you want, no matter how you do it, you are always you and you define yourself and the matrix people can't touch that.

[Trinity]

In opposition to this, I do feel I have a gender, buts its not a matrix gender, its mine.

And its composed of many facets and hard to see at one time.

The diamond.  Looks diffrrent depending on how you look at it.  But its still a diamond.

It is immersive, the experience of the parts.  Sh'e and they.  He at times but the awareness is sh'e...

And the they pronoun is just as valid as the he.

But the key is living the truth, and that truthis not the same experience from one nb toanother, or even ts.

I am surprised at how immersive it can be, in the gender roles, body language and all.  So immersive the core can be covered up.  

And being sh'e is a rest state, recharge state.

Stress, warrior mode, peotective mode...all effect it.

And if i get touched in a sexual way, h'er response is overpowering.  Physical response, body wants to be penetrated, taken.

So i avoid touch triggers.  Not married, and it frankly totally sucks.  But i prefer love And fidelity.

But rather than genderless, for me, its just my own gender.  One I like.  Nonbinary trans.

Clois Kelane.  Lol.  Sh'e.

It does work for me, but i also am far to the femme side physically.  

One reason ts girls dont think i am mb.  

What is my truth?  How does it look and feel?

What feels right, what feels fake?

Thats where my answers are.

For me.

Trin....