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Trinity
DES Trans
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Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 24, 2019 0:24:57 GMT 8
It takes quite a lot for me to release my gender.
There are family issues, social issues, conditioning issues, abuse issues, all in play that interfere with my gender truth, the core of me.
And then there are responses to environmental stimuli, where I have to go into warrior or just active mode, and historically, that is where a certain part of my gender takes over and the other part gets no attention.
Part of the problem of evolving the split necessary for survival from about the 6th grade. Or even 3rd grade.
So, in the mornings, I work hard to release my gender, just relaxing, saying "its ok, its ok." Release it enough and I will burst into tears.
There are so many layers to peel away, to be free.
Do you fight your gender?
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veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 24, 2019 1:36:41 GMT 8
Not as much as I used to.
I had to develop a guy persona to make it through middle and high school in NC, and that persona still is part of me. He isn't really that much different than girl me. Late 80's and early 90's fashion were a lot less gendered than now, at least in my social circle. Most guys and girls had long hair and usually wore band shirts and what would now be considered mom jeans and a jean jacket or flannel if it was cold.
There were preps and rednecks that dressed a bit different, but even that was so much more colorful than the boring dull colors guys wear now. They mostly wore stuff from surf shops and I sometimes wore that too, I usually bought ones with hot pink logos, but so did a lot of them.
I don't like what happened after that, and this notion that more masculine is better. I do fight the idea that if I had been born a few years earlier, and moved out here after high school and lucked into an 80's hard rock band that made it big, I might be OK with keeping that persona.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 24, 2019 12:41:18 GMT 8
So long as you let the idea of gender being a thing that differentiates you from others, it will control you. You are born with a sex and gender is a wild and often wacky way that the cis tend to try and rule the world they have no control over by insisting that gender is a real thing. Where does it say that you are one gender or another? On the cis forms that they require you to fill out. If it is a legit form or box to check, then it says sex. At what point do you think of even having a gender? You have a realization of your sex by around three maybe four. But it isn't gender, it is sex because you realize that other person has different parts where they hide it from you and you finally put the three year old pieces together and look at you own and wonder. Because it isn't important and they have been trying for years to find some sort of difference that makes one better, and usually males will lie like hell to make themselves superior in that, when it isn't even a need to do so. Same as racial differences, there is the human race and then there are aliens and the ever popular gods of ancient past. But there has never ever been definitive proof that one sex or one race is better than another. So cis really rely of the gender thing because they have control over the definitions. And as long as they do, they will forever declass female and anyone who isn't in the strict definitions that they made up for gender. They can't do that with sex, there is just to much scientific proof that cis are in reality the weakest of all the people on earth, because they can't face the truth right in front of them. So by even defining yourself as one gender or the other or some combination, think about that, you get to be a combination with gender and it is according to them a choice you can make. Reality settles in and sex is the determining factor in some things, they are pretty much done with taking head measurements and describing why some races and females are inferior, because women are in there as scientists and won't be having any of that shit, same as different so called races that don't exist because we all crawled out of africa or something anyways, we just have the ability to have different stripes mike zebras do and there is no proof at all that one stripe is better than another. The only problem is in ho you are going to handle the wrongs in society when you dress and look like you want, and most of it is based on religiously wrong ideas based on even more wrong interpretations of the old testament that we don't base our self worth to begin with anyways. So it isn't a problem that you have, it is a problem that they have, and they don't really have much say in it to begin with, but they pretend that they do. And all that pretending is the problem in itself, their lives are dependent on pretending that theirs is somehow more important than others, that trump is more important to himself than others are to him. The point is being proven that to be on that same path is quickly becoming the most despicable of the many paths that a person life can take, and more and more people are turning away, theres a pink floyd song about that if you are interested, written decades ago but is more important to the state of the demise of the world than it has ever been, the trumps of the world are determined to bring on the apocalypse, so how fucking much more wrong can they be about everything in their world that is mostly pretend?
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Jade
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: MTF Non-Binary
Presentation: Feminine
Pronouns: She/Her
Orientation: Bisexual
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Feb 18, 2019 22:21:15 GMT 8
February 2019
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MTF Non-Binary
Feminine
She/Her
Bisexual
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Post by Jade on Feb 26, 2019 0:10:06 GMT 8
Some days I fight it more than others. The days that she wins, I’m much happier and more comfortable. Days that he wins, my depression starts to take hold, and I spiral into a dark place. Unfortunately, today is one of those days, and I don’t know what to do. I’m headed to an interview, for a job I don’t really want, in full on boy mode, which makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need all the strength I have to get through the day today. I need today to end, tomorrow is another day, and another chance for her to win.
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7,160
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DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 26, 2019 2:07:33 GMT 8
Some days I fight it more than others. The days that she wins, I’m much happier and more comfortable. Days that he wins, my depression starts to take hold, and I spiral into a dark place. Unfortunately, today is one of those days, and I don’t know what to do. I’m headed to an interview, for a job I don’t really want, in full on boy mode, which makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need all the strength I have to get through the day today. I need today to end, tomorrow is another day, and another chance for her to win. Hang in there and keep on posting Its a dance, let it play to the music
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veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 26, 2019 4:54:05 GMT 8
Some days I fight it more than others. The days that she wins, I’m much happier and more comfortable. Days that he wins, my depression starts to take hold, and I spiral into a dark place. Unfortunately, today is one of those days, and I don’t know what to do. I’m headed to an interview, for a job I don’t really want, in full on boy mode, which makes me feel so uncomfortable. I need all the strength I have to get through the day today. I need today to end, tomorrow is another day, and another chance for her to win. I used to kind of be the opposite. On the days when he used to win I would feel confident and on top of the world, and I'd be depressed and dysphoric when she won. Overall, she seems to be winning the war, and he's not even really fighting lately. He fought very hard for decades.
I've yet to find a good answer for interviewing as a non-binary trans person. Forced guy mode sucks if you aren't feeling it. Not at all ready to interview in obviously trans mode, not that likely to get hired doing that either.
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Jade
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: MTF Non-Binary
Presentation: Feminine
Pronouns: She/Her
Orientation: Bisexual
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Feb 18, 2019 22:21:15 GMT 8
February 2019
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MTF Non-Binary
Feminine
She/Her
Bisexual
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Post by Jade on Feb 26, 2019 6:09:46 GMT 8
I felt more confident when he would win for years, but over the last two years, I’ve been encouraged by my wife to live my authentic life, and I’ve listened, and let her win almost every day now. I’ve been interviewing for several weeks now, with no luck, and today it really got to me. I had a panic attack when I got to the interview, drove around in tears for a few minutes and went home, feeling defeated. I just don’t know how to explain it to an interviewer, and I don’t know if I can live that lie every day. I’m having a very hard time right now, and I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to use the time not having a job, to work on my book, but I’ve been so stressed out about this recently, I can’t even work on that. I’m just really on the struggle bus today. I need today to be over, so I can try again tomorrow, I guess. I don’t know what else to do.
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Leena
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She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 26, 2019 7:20:58 GMT 8
I've mostly just been trying to find jobs where I can work from home. I had one for awhile, but it recently ended. I don't know if this in an option for you, it's not even a good option for me, as these types of jobs usually don't pay as well.
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4,666
Ativan Prescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 26, 2019 11:56:22 GMT 8
I felt more confident when he would win for years, but over the last two years, I’ve been encouraged by my wife to live my authentic life, and I’ve listened, and let her win almost every day now. I’ve been interviewing for several weeks now, with no luck, and today it really got to me. I had a panic attack when I got to the interview, drove around in tears for a few minutes and went home, feeling defeated. I just don’t know how to explain it to an interviewer, and I don’t know if I can live that lie every day. I’m having a very hard time right now, and I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to use the time not having a job, to work on my book, but I’ve been so stressed out about this recently, I can’t even work on that. I’m just really on the struggle bus today. I need today to be over, so I can try again tomorrow, I guess. I don’t know what else to do. A lot of either or sorta stuff, either guy or girl... Most everyone has traits of both when seen from a cis perspective. For NB it's to a higher degree, there isn't any subtle attributes that are masked by the overall idea of gender. The aspects that you have that make you who you are can be used at will if you just let them. To categorize them as if it is a cis thing makes it seem like a count them up and if one is more dominant than that is who you are today. Think about these aspects that if seen by cis are him or her things, stop using that as the framework that you use when you do think of them, when they are dominant. But don't add them up, just be familiar with them and be happy that you have such a variety, if you were binary cis then you'd have mostly one or the other of them. It isn't hard to let yourself be all of them at the same time, it is who you are but you're thinking about this as if you have to one or the other. Be all of them, have them all right there to use as you want, to be able to let them be as they are, and don't just see them as a him or her thing, because they aren't. Everyone has all of these traits and aspects of gender to them, it's in how they stand out and if you are hiding them in the closet or letting yourself be free of that. In cis, they have dominant that to them makes them one or the other and that's the end of their story, they hide the other stuff, suppress it and deny it. But when it is all basically on the table in front of you and you see that it is all a part of you, then you don't have to do this dividing up thing. If you want that confidence that the him seems to give you, then use the aspects that make that when you need to pull it out, like in an interview. If you push it down because you think you have to be all her if that is dominant, then you're basically shoving it into that closet, and it's there, waiting in the dark and maybe even banging on the door to get out. When you need to have these aspects that cis divide up into him or her, then know that they aren't a him or her for you unless you accept their binary'ism as the truth. It might be for them, but you aren't them, you don't have to live by those rules, you have all of this and they only have half, so don't limit yourself. Be the things that you need to be in the moment, interviewing? Pull that confidence aspect out and use it, but don't think of it as a him theing, it is really a you thing. If you read other posts in here and come across the reference to the matrix, we are talking about how the binary cis think they rule how it all works, they hide behind this matrix that shields them from reality. The reality is that we all exist and we can be who who we say we are, just because they are in denial doesn't mean that they can push their matrix on you and force you to live it, you don't have to. Stop thinking of these things that you feel are a him or her and look at them as simply you and any combination of aspects that works in the moment and that works for you, then that's who you are. All of the ideas that you can and are going from one to the other isn't a real thing, you aren't either and you don't have to categorize your feelings and thoughts as one or the other. It is all you and how you use these things, aspects, is not something to fight and try to manipulate, that manipulation is something that the cis binary use on themselves, you don't have to. Don't fight it and don't try to one or the other because in you, it really doesn't exist, the things you think of as him and her are simply you as you need to be in each and every moment. Be in the moment, if you need that confidence, then do that, but don't think you have to be a him to do it, you don't need to at all, all you need to do is be in the moment that is you.
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Jade
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: MTF Non-Binary
Presentation: Feminine
Pronouns: She/Her
Orientation: Bisexual
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Nov 23, 2020 19:45:18 GMT 8
37
Jade
19
Feb 18, 2019 22:21:15 GMT 8
February 2019
j
MTF Non-Binary
Feminine
She/Her
Bisexual
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Post by Jade on Feb 26, 2019 23:01:10 GMT 8
You’re not wrong, but it’s not that simple for me. Even if I had the language to use to explain it to an interviewer, they are typically, just due to statistics, cis and hetero, and don’t care to understand me. So I try to fake it, and sometimes I don’t make it. After 5 or 6 rejections, for jobs that I’m overqualified for, I was and am feeling down, and my own worst critic. I’ll get back up, and I’ll be ok, but I know that I have to get back at it, which means that the cycle will start again. You talk about wanting to control the matrix, and that’s great. When that happens, I can probably find a job, being my authentic self. Right now, I need to find work inside their matrix, which means I have to play the game. I live in a fairly progressive city, but it’s still in the south, in the Bible Belt. People judge. And unfortunately for me, the people doing the judging are prejudiced, and also in control currently of my ability to find a job. So, that forces me to pretend I’m binary, for their sakes, which causes my internal conflict. I’d love any advice for finding a job that will accept me for being myself, I’ve had no luck. It’s the cause of all my torment regarding my gender. If that were removed, I’d have no difficulty being myself, and being authentic. Being fake, causes me anxiety.
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1,517
Von
1,634
Oct 5, 2017 2:57:54 GMT 8
October 2017
von
NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
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Post by Von on Feb 27, 2019 0:20:32 GMT 8
I just kind of let it pull me. But sometimes IT fights with me - I'll think I'm femme today till I walk around a while, and then just run full tilt upstairs to change my clothes, maybe scrub off some makeup and scents. Or vice versa.
Today it's jeans, flannel, boots... Good for the cold today, but also affirming for today's brand. I just keep looking at my fingernails as I type, going "Shit I got to cut these fuckers before I go anywhere today."
The real fight is internally accepting that my gender IS REAL, and not just defaulting to my birth assignment because it makes people more comfortable. Too many times I've kept silent, being introduced as girlfriend, she, young lady, etc... when I want to just slap them and ask, "What did you promise me you'd never do two years ago?! What the fuck?" Not that anyone REALLY sees me as anything other than a short, squeaky, woman with short hair. But I still do what I do anyway.
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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 27, 2019 6:18:53 GMT 8
You’re not wrong, but it’s not that simple for me. Even if I had the language to use to explain it to an interviewer, they are typically, just due to statistics, cis and hetero, and don’t care to understand me. So I try to fake it, and sometimes I don’t make it. After 5 or 6 rejections, for jobs that I’m overqualified for, I was and am feeling down, and my own worst critic. I’ll get back up, and I’ll be ok, but I know that I have to get back at it, which means that the cycle will start again. You talk about wanting to control the matrix, and that’s great. When that happens, I can probably find a job, being my authentic self. Right now, I need to find work inside their matrix, which means I have to play the game. I live in a fairly progressive city, but it’s still in the south, in the Bible Belt. People judge. And unfortunately for me, the people doing the judging are prejudiced, and also in control currently of my ability to find a job. So, that forces me to pretend I’m binary, for their sakes, which causes my internal conflict. I’d love any advice for finding a job that will accept me for being myself, I’ve had no luck. It’s the cause of all my torment regarding my gender. If that were removed, I’d have no difficulty being myself, and being authentic. Being fake, causes me anxiety. Been through this working for construction guys in NY. If you put mens clothing on me and cut my hair, what am I? Sh'e. Because that never changes. But choosing to reveal h'er does change. There are mirtor tricks, hair tricks...clothes beneath clothes. If they read my body language so be it. But a girl in a suit is.... A girl. In a suit. Your gender is not dependant on presentation. And once home the hair comes down. I live this daily. I work at home, but I transitioned on the job in FL. So I know a lot from both north and south about discrimination, trust me. Awareness of you.... Its not an act. Be you but give them the uniform and let it go. Dont fake anything. Bullies asking you to live a lie are kissing the ass of the father of lies. Dont kiss his ass. Be you in a uniform, and let your hair down at night. My hair is hanging by my desk.... I get the gendersplit. But know it can be simulataneous gender, part rests while another is dominant, one protects the other until they become one. You can do this.
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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 27, 2019 6:22:47 GMT 8
Interesting for me in studio tis morning.
The more I relax, the more sh'e is released.
Tension fights my truth.
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Leena
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Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
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veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Feb 27, 2019 9:15:42 GMT 8
You’re not wrong, but it’s not that simple for me. Even if I had the language to use to explain it to an interviewer, they are typically, just due to statistics, cis and hetero, and don’t care to understand me. So I try to fake it, and sometimes I don’t make it. After 5 or 6 rejections, for jobs that I’m overqualified for, I was and am feeling down, and my own worst critic. I’ll get back up, and I’ll be ok, but I know that I have to get back at it, which means that the cycle will start again. You talk about wanting to control the matrix, and that’s great. When that happens, I can probably find a job, being my authentic self. Right now, I need to find work inside their matrix, which means I have to play the game. I live in a fairly progressive city, but it’s still in the south, in the Bible Belt. People judge. And unfortunately for me, the people doing the judging are prejudiced, and also in control currently of my ability to find a job. So, that forces me to pretend I’m binary, for their sakes, which causes my internal conflict. I’d love any advice for finding a job that will accept me for being myself, I’ve had no luck. It’s the cause of all my torment regarding my gender. If that were removed, I’d have no difficulty being myself, and being authentic. Being fake, causes me anxiety. I left the south because of those reasons, though there's nowhere that doesn't have a lot of transphobic people.
You could try applying at larger companies that are at least officially LGBT friendly.
I'm starting to think I'd rather have people think I'm a binary trans woman than a guy, which is what happens if I tone things down. I don't want to try to explain nonbinary either. People have some understanding of what a trans woman is even if some don't like it.
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Ativan Prescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 27, 2019 12:27:56 GMT 8
You’re not wrong, but it’s not that simple for me. Even if I had the language to use to explain it to an interviewer, they are typically, just due to statistics, cis and hetero, and don’t care to understand me. So I try to fake it, and sometimes I don’t make it. After 5 or 6 rejections, for jobs that I’m overqualified for, I was and am feeling down, and my own worst critic. I’ll get back up, and I’ll be ok, but I know that I have to get back at it, which means that the cycle will start again. You talk about wanting to control the matrix, and that’s great. When that happens, I can probably find a job, being my authentic self. Right now, I need to find work inside their matrix, which means I have to play the game. I live in a fairly progressive city, but it’s still in the south, in the Bible Belt. People judge. And unfortunately for me, the people doing the judging are prejudiced, and also in control currently of my ability to find a job. So, that forces me to pretend I’m binary, for their sakes, which causes my internal conflict. I’d love any advice for finding a job that will accept me for being myself, I’ve had no luck. It’s the cause of all my torment regarding my gender. If that were removed, I’d have no difficulty being myself, and being authentic. Being fake, causes me anxiety. Here's the thing, on the forms they probably use sex and M or F, and you have a sex. But your gender doesn't match it and your gender is your business, it has no effect on anyone or anything, it is simply your gender. When looking for a job, do the things they are looking for, and your life story about your gender is not what they are looking for. Kick yourself into high gear and forget about trying to control the matrix, you can't do that, it's the property of the cis binary and just let them have it. They have it so that they don't have to confront the realities of living in today's world and they started up this thing a long time ago and they haven't updated it at all. Time to wake up Neo, look around and see the matrix for what it is, and that lets you move through it effortlessly, and you aren't a part of it, you are still you. The entire thing I said about not dividing up the parts of your gender and using labels on them is solid advice. Using labels is going to bring you right into the matrix again, because there isn't a language for NB, why we say the matrix, why we talk about the forest here, there are examples that are used but only for other NB. And when you use their labels, you will be falling into the very trap you have lived your entire life, along with thoise labels are the definitions and those are going to inevitably be from the matrix. The fewer labels you use for yourself the better, don't call fingernail polish feminine, it isn't... when you use it, it is NB. Same with all of that stuff. The desire to have the things you have been denied all these years is another thing, if having a dress is the thing that you need, that's OK, but realize that the moment you are wearing it, it becomes NB. In dealing with the matrix, by not making waves you can effortlessly move through it and be successful as well, that isn't bowing down to it at all, it is bending it to your will that is NB, because that isn't a part of it. You don't and can't force anything on the matrix, only the owners can and they will when they become over embarrassed for their ignorance of reality, that's always when they make those changes. Let them have it and use it but don't try to control it, that is a huge wave and it outs you and then the matrix comes back and it might bite you. It's a controlled version of yourself, not controlling the matrix, by controlling yourself to walk through it without making to many waves, eventually it gets used to you and small things become acceptable. But if they want a suit, then wear a suit, it doesn't change you, that stays the same regardless, it's you wearing a suit and nothing more. If you think others will mistake you for being a suit, then that is their problem and not yours, that is one of the ignorant things that once they realize they do that, they will work to change it in the matrix. But you aren't here as responsible for anyone else's feeling, ideas, philosophy, their ignorance, their over the top and totally useless bigotry, that one always bites them back, it doesn't bite you, they try to make it do that, but it bites them instead. So the explanation of not being one or the other and accepting that as a whole, you have that and more in what is the makeup of self. It does take time to sort through it and to find the strengths and weaknesses, but you will, everyone does, even the cis do that same thing, but only with their limited outlook on reality. Watch the Matrix again and decide what makes more sense to you if you see it as the one I talk about. We use references from it at times and they stick to wall when we throw them, they work. So be the whole of yourself and not one or the other, that limits you to just that, one or the other. Use all of you and get used to the idea that none of it is really masculine or feminine, even though we use those terms because there isn't better ones, the man woman gender thing is for a man or woman, you are everything that either one of them isn't, you are both and that isn't a bunch of masculine or feminine things, they are all NB, because you are. They are only masculine or feminine to the binary cis who make that their genders, despite that they too have all of the same things, they use them in much different ways from each other so it gives the appearance of them being either or. It works for them and because you are not the same as them, you can use all of the things as you please and as they make you comfortable, there is really no such thing as gender, it's made up so that they can divide up the the things that make people who they are into one or the other because the limited thinking they use with gender requires it for them, and only them, even if they say it is the way it is, it sure isn't and you are proof of that.
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