Overcoming fear and releasing your truth

[Trinity]

It's difficult in a marriage if you hid who you really are, due to shame, fear, all the crap that the social matrix puts in us, or misunderstandings in other ways.

I am putting this in the public section, its more private, but those who are afraid and watch from a distance, and there is consistantly 200 of them, they need to see this kind of thing, otherwise they wouldn't be here.  The vocal of us are few but I think we share a lot, we have a lot to say.  

Anyway, I faced my fear this morning and let go.  As I thought would happen, the gender boomeranged, and sh'e is in complete control right now.  There is an awareness of the complexity of my androgyne gender in the symphony of it that plays all the time.  But someone had messed with my symphony, scaring the violins and the flutes and the reeds into being subdued and in hiding while the basses and percussion took the melody lines.

But that can't go on forever.

Anyway, I let h'er out today, with my wife, I overcame the fear.

I found new things, including something that I knew about before but now as I am continuing to look into the DES experience and the physical changes that caused in utero, basically just on observing how my own body works, I really think I have some extras under the skin.  Unless men have a nerve bundle where the clitorus is in a female, because whatever I have there is orgasmic.

Such a strange body.  But nobody talks about this stuff, it may be that all men have this, I have no idea.  

Aside from that, and getting away from the physical and into the nonbinary aspects we all share, its really the fear of rejection and of a repeat of past or current abuse that makes me tense up, not breathe, close my shoulders off and raise them, all that tension is designed to not feel the body.

And the result of that is an increase in the side stuff we share as nonbinaries, addictions, depression, anxiety, it feeds on all of that, because we feel we cannot release our true selves.

And I think the more power we give to others over our genders, the worse it gets.  Whereas in my own beliefs, we were designed to be our truths and experience them.  What we do with that is within the boundaries of our faith and faithfulness, but the basic design itself was meant to be enjoyed, not feared and repressed causing harm and hurt and pain.  

I am striving for freedom.  It is elusive, but there in moments, it was there today for me, and I was able to share it with my mate, how, I do not know, but I was my truth with her this morning, and the physical release for me as a result was intense.  It wasn't sex, not for her, it was just working on her muscles as we do every morning and night, but in this case, I was able to be sh'e while I did it, and sh'e took over.

I can't really label my gender.  I am not a man or a woman, but I am both and neither, I am sh'e, or they, and I need so desperately to be free.

Every moment that I am, is precious.

Are you working to be free too?  Or are you captive to fear?

In truth, I am captive, but I am working hard on freedom, while keeping my relationship whole and true, for love is its foundation, and I believe love and faith can overcome anything.

Love to all of you

Nails out, head up, heart open
T-SJ

[Leena]

I'd like to think I'm working to be free, but also kind of feeling like what is going to make this year any different than last year, which wasn't that much different than the one before it.

I found my answer late last year, Christmas shopping fully en femme and somehow blending, what it might feel like to pass as a middle aged woman that is not drawing attention...that is not who I want to be, but that is what most binary trans women my age want.

I am certain now I am not a binary trans woman. I am non-binary and I don't want to be pushed into a binary transition, nor do I want to be pushed into being a guy. I don't know how to live out as non-binary though, how can one be out if one has no real social life? I have to take real action to build a social life, doing this is hard for someone with social anxiety, I did it before though, albeit as someone that was viewed as a guy...I can do the same things I did back then while not trying to hide my androgyny like I did back then, those social skills are severely out of practice though.

[Yuki]

I guess both?

I'm lucky that my husband has worked really had to understand and has no issues with it anymore. He's very openly supportive and now he thinks it's weird if I wear something too feminine. (He actually wanted me to cut my hair shorter, and his mom got me two sweater things for Christmas... The purple one that I like, and a white one that I don't like and he says is too feminine for me anyway. LOL.) I also have accepting friends, and my family knows.

But at the same time... now that we're going to be moving to a whole new state and not knowing anyone, I'm not so sure. We plan to try to be more social and make friends. When do I come out to them? I'm not sure if I will or not... I guess it depends on if I feel like they'd be accepting or not.

I need a subtle way to be out. Like, stickers on my things, or patches on my clothes, or on a hat, or whatever. Something that's there, so that I don't have to have the conversation with a new person of "So, I'm nonbinary..." Lol.

[Ativan Prescribed]

The consistent referring to the gender we have in terms of male and female kinda defeats the concept of nb in a lot of ways, and it gets to the point of sounding like that damn spectrum is right there again.
So long as any of us keep telling ourselves that this is our gender in the terms of male and female as the base way of describing them, it just sounds like there is the spectrum again.
The descriptive ways that gender can be described in neutral terms that are accurate like saying feeling loving today, feeling like driving the truck through the neighborhood lawns...
There are so many ways of describing ourselves without having to bring it down to the level of binary, it just doesn't need to be done, why label everything as binary all the time?
It's in the descriptive words used that we get a real sense of where a person is at, just saying female or male could mean anything, it could mean way different things because we all have our ideas of what they is.
But using descriptive words instead, we give a real sense of self, not just some clinical male/shemale outlook on gender and life.
Way to easy to just pass the ideas of how our gender feels by using binary terms, it falls right into how binaries thing we need to think and act.
Even transsexuals have this big problem with having to define everything as female in one way or another, which is odd because that is the point, it doesn't need to be repeated over and over, they are all there because that is the basic gender, why take things like coffee in the morning and describe it in terms of female? Thats a stretch, but you get the idea.
When we constantly hear the thoughts in our heads like they are written in binary terms as the descriptor, it's no wonder there are conflicts with self all the time, it's because those terms don't really apply, do they...
It's the very thing that we try to not convey in our answers to the questions that binary have, when the answers are in binary terms, it isn't an answer and they think you are confused because of it.
We don't have to define our genders anyways, and I seriously think that even claiming to have a gender is the wrong approach as well.
If it isn't going to one of the =binary choices, then why struggle to explain it in binary terms or explain it at all, if we do away with the idea of gender that solves a lot of the dilemmas.
Gender is really a made up part of the construct and we run across the argument all the time that who are born as is our gender, when it is our sex, gender is the descriptives that binaries use to describe just how binary they are, they need to keep reassuring themselves and especially others that they are indeed just so overwhelmingly one or the other, nope no hints of the other, ever.
So the use of their strict gender ideals just plays into that idea that you can only be one ot the other and if you make a reference, they think it is a aha moment and a gotcha see you are binary but just confused.
Be descriptive, not a variant of binary, it is so much better to just say the things we feel in descriptions instead of trying to use the gender shortcut of male/female.
I know it is kinda hard to do it, but once done it will flow, just like the feelings that you have all the time whenever you think of yourself as nb, so use them to say how your gender is today.

[Becky]

I had to give this one a lot of thought!

I think where I'm at right now is mentally honest and free, and physically hidden and still fearful. I became honest with myself last year, and that was HUGE. I'm out to my wife and some close friends, but that basically means my identity is out. In terms of physical appearance, almost everything I do to beat dysphoria is done in private.

No one, not even my wife, has seen me in feminine presentation. I'm not sure she would be ready for it, although I would offer to show her if it ever came up. I'm certainly not planning on a feminine presentation in public, but a lot of people know that I put polish on my nails, enjoy vibrant-colored clothes, and have pretty androgynous interests and personality traits.

It's a good status quo for now. If androgyny ever gets openly accepted in Kentucky (I'm not holding my breath), I'll be the first one out the door in a floral-print maxi dress.

[Kechara]

I told somebody I was non-binary for the first time yesterday (not counting my one friend who knows). I was at work, and a customer came in. We talked for a bit, just your basic “Hi, how are you”s and “Fine, thank you”s, but as he was leaving he said something I didn’t catch, then asked “Boy? Girl?” And I froze. The answer to that used to be simple. I had never said it in public before, and I was afraid of what would come. After a few seconds that felt much longer I told him I am non-binary. I braced for his response, but all he did was say “huh”, and continue on his day.
All in all, not a bad first time telling someone new. It certainly started chipping at the fear to let me release the truth.

[Trinity]

Feb 12, 2019 21:35:10 GMT 8 Kechara said:

I told somebody I was non-binary for the first time yesterday (not counting my one friend who knows). I was at work, and a customer came in. We talked for a bit, just your basic “Hi, how are you”s and “Fine, thank you”s, but as he was leaving he said something I didn’t catch, then asked “Boy? Girl?” And I froze. The answer to that used to be simple. I had never said it in public before, and I was afraid of what would come. After a few seconds that felt much longer I told him I am non-binary. I braced for his response, but all he did was say “huh”, and continue on his day.
All in all, not a bad first time telling someone new. It certainly started chipping at the fear to let me release the truth.

It's huge, isn't it?   Like, really huge.

Huh isn't a bad response at all.  

Living your truth.  Wow.

[Iona]

I've hidden myself- very much everywhere, but more so in my marriage than I had acknowledged. I let my wife (then girlfriend) know a little very early on. To me it was massive - I had once convinced myself I would never tell anyone anything of this.

But to her it was just this little side of myself I never really talked about. She figured it wasn't a significant part of my very being. To me it didnt really occur that the concept that I might be nb, bigender, or something, would be that surprising. Because I'd already told her something that I'd convinced myself was so shocking.

She never did really want to see me in different clothing, in a different guise. And she still hasn't.

I want, need, to be patient and gentle and understanding with her. But I also feel a desperate need to be seen and known and loved for all parts of me.

I know she does love me in entirety. Perhaps I dont need her to see me to know that. But it would be nice.

That's where I am now. Slowly releasing my truth to the one I love, the one closest to me. I feel lightyears from releasing it, revealing me, to anyone else. But just now that's ok.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Mar 10, 2019 2:58:37 GMT 8 Iona said:

I've hidden myself- very much everywhere, 

Its where we have all been and a lot of people still are for their reasons.
Instead of telling your wife in a big way like the story of your life kinda big, ask her to help you figure out yourself.
Telling her that the thought that you aren't really a gender like just male or female is about as big of a hit as she might be able to take in one shot.
It's always going to be a period of adjustment and you can't expect her to just take it all in and be ok with it.
But if she is a part of the process and is someone who's advice you need, then that keeps her in the loop.
To just more or less blurt it out always has this backlash that they fear you are going to become transsexual and that you will leave her.
The telling has to done in small steps and they have to be a part of it so that the separation issues are not there, they will come up, but if she is a part of it with you, then it goes a lot smoother.
Small steps, this is a big thing for you right now and you have to take very small steps to take it all in yourself, it can be overwhelming.
But we are here for you if you need the answers to things, we try our best, and everyone comes from a different direction, so advice is always like that, you take what you need.
Just remember to take small steps and the more this goes around and around in your thinking, the more the answers will make sense, right now a lot of it is just that, a lot to take in.

[Iona]

Mar 10, 2019 11:46:00 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Mar 10, 2019 2:58:37 GMT 8 Iona said:

I've hidden myself- very much everywhere, 

Its where we have all been and a lot of people still are for their reasons.
Instead of telling your wife in a big way like the story of your life kinda big, ask her to help you figure out yourself.
Telling her that the thought that you aren't really a gender like just male or female is about as big of a hit as she might be able to take in one shot.
It's always going to be a period of adjustment and you can't expect her to just take it all in and be ok with it.
But if she is a part of the process and is someone who's advice you need, then that keeps her in the loop.
To just more or less blurt it out always has this backlash that they fear you are going to become transsexual and that you will leave her.
The telling has to done in small steps and they have to be a part of it so that the separation issues are not there, they will come up, but if she is a part of it with you, then it goes a lot smoother.
Small steps, this is a big thing for you right now and you have to take very small steps to take it all in yourself, it can be overwhelming.
But we are here for you if you need the answers to things, we try our best, and everyone comes from a different direction, so advice is always like that, you take what you need.
Just remember to take small steps and the more this goes around and around in your thinking, the more the answers will make sense, right now a lot of it is just that, a lot to take in.

Thank you, you've certainly given me a lot (more!) to think about. I guess I was a little unclear in my post, though, in that I have already told her (last week). I wish I had come here sooner!

But that's ok - she is being as understanding as she can be. And your points about taking small steps and making sure she is a part of the whole process are still hugely important.

I can do that, and we can do that together. Just need to remember to be sensitive to her needs, feelings and fears.

Thank you so much, again.