Parenting as non binary

[charley83]

So I'm a parent of 3 awesome kids age 13, 9 and 6. I was 21 when I had my first child and before him I never had a desire to have children of my own (apparently birth control pills work the opposite on me).

I don't regret having any of them and wouldn't change having them in my life for nothing. I did have a lot mixed emotions while I as pregnant with them. I guess you could say it was dysphoria. Once I started showing I tried to hide My stomach even though every one knew I was pregnant. It was just uncomfortable for me. At this point I knew nothing about being non binary I just knew I wasn't like other 'girls' and didn't want my pregnant belly drawing attention to me being female. This happened each pregnancy. I eventually Had a hysterectomy 2 years ago and I couldn't have been happier.

Now I raising my children and I teach them that boys can dress like girls and girls like boys. My oldest is aware that just because someone was born a male or female doesn't mean they are male female. He hasn't come to me yet but I think he may be non binary. I allow and encourage him to dress however he feels comfortable. He really adamant that he never cuts his long curly hair. 

My daughter who is 6 is a avid believer that girls have long hair and boys have short. I hope to change he mind as she get older and can understand better. Just wish I could convince her to cut her waist length hair So I don't have to fight her to get it brushed lol.
So I am wondering how many of you that were born AFAB have had biological children and what was your experience while pregnant and also your experiences as a parent.

[Ativan Prescribed]

AMAB but the story is about the same, the mother of my kids just couldn't manage it, she was sure she wasn't going to have kids.
She was a preemie and so was her sisters, way preemies at the time and their mother had a dozen or so self abort, so she figured my kids weren't going to make it.
I don't know what really happened to her head, but she couldn't manage the simplest things, and she wasn't depressed, she was just floating off in her head somewhere all the time.
So I had to take care of her and had to know all the ins and outs of pregnancy even though I wasn't, it did get to feel like I was in the back of my head though, I had to do so much of it.
The first one was way late and it was a fiasco and both of them kept losing their heartbeats, the kid was almost gone to long and the mother lost hers at the same time then.
And true to form, it was like she really didn't understand what was going on, but in all fairness, it did take over 24 hours, the beginning shifts of Dr and Nurses decided to stay on when the next shift came in.
So double everyone in the room, super good care and vibes from them all, the docs had a fun time teasing me because I was so tired, I was there from the beginning and had put in a full day of work before.
But it was all so very freaky, the kid comes out like popped out after all that and she cried and pooped at the same time before they had to do the spank thing.
But then she turned blue in front of me and they took her away in the room over to what looked like one of those places where they keep food warm in a restaurant, the red light.
They worked on her and worked on her and made me go sit down when it got frantic for them, but they won the day and she came around, so good that they stayed, it took them all to make it happen.
It was at that very moment that it all fell on me at once and yes I love my kids more than everything but at that moment I was traumatized by it all, the mother I was used to her crap, but a kid, I had to be responsible.
And I never had before that, not like this anyways, and she scared me, I kept listening to her mother talk about how scared she was the kid was going to die, which made me look at her again with a different slant.
But she turned out to be ok, not really good, but ok and I ended up being the primary care person, designated by myself because I couldn't trust her to not do some seriously weird thing.
So the traumatization duh in deeper and then sure enough, she was pregnant again, just as I was getting used to navigating this stuff.
I was in my mid forties when this started with the first one and it was long enough ago that getting a computer and going online was only a thing if you could afford it and lived in the cities.
So all of this was by just getting lots and lots of books, I had no time for myself, going out for an hour to the bar to have a beer was to much for her, she was calling before I walked in the door.
So doublie weird and traumatizing, but i love my kids and watching them growing up was the best, but then the mother got really insane and she was micromanaging the kids, some of it good, but a lot of it bad for them.
She has some built in things in her head that are pretty far fetched and thinks they are real, and she started to blame me for things that didn't even happen, she made them up.
And worked myself to death getting the kids houses and property set up the way they wanted, and nothing was ever good enough, always saying it was wrong, even when others said it was right.
The day came that she decided I had to go and got a restraining order and I had to leave in the middle of a nap, I had nothing but a few hundred bucks and a really crappy old truck.
She made calimas of course about the restraining order and that got me thrown in jail a couple times, so more of the trama right there, and there is a lot more of that kind of stuff.
Bottom line is I could see my kids once in a while, and I lost it on the way out of there and that got me thrown into psych units on and off for years as my kids just grew farther away from me.
Bad aver all experience, but i got through it all and as odd as it sounds, they finally let me live on my own fore the last over two years and nothing has happened, their fears never happened.
They still come to see me every month or so and it's ok, if need things done I can call and get it done for me, they don't want me to go back into a psych unit.
The fire alarm has gone off twice now and they are still moving around in the hall like the sky fell, the alarm has been off for a long time now, and I can smell the burnt pizza that set it off.
The place is full of people a lot older than me and they aren't always playing with the full deck, but they manage somehow, I'm going to be there soon enough, unless I can escape and become young again.
Both my kids are on there own finally, away from their life coach who micromanages them still, and they are both very much against the crap that certain people have to put up with because assholes.
Vegans and no smoking although I do know the one smokes pot a lot of the time, on and off, and the other one is still living there but in the other house, so on her own sort of.
Their mother finally snagged a guy with money and who even bought a Harley and learned to tip it over on himself and broke bones, but hung in there, he has the money that she wants, they take trips out of country a few times a year, looking for property in places that I could care less about, ing fact I could care less about her, haven't talked to her since she called to get sympathy for her cancer, and I told her i didn't care and she hung up and has never bothered me since, it's like a fricken miracle or something, two good kids who never call or anything, and the mother who won't call, finally she has someone else to take care of her worthlessness.
But they are both activists for trans and do talk about NB on their fb pages, they have a lot of causes they take on, but they actually do stuff about them, I think the one or maybe both, I have no idea, could be nb.

[Becky]

Sorry to hop onto this thread as another AMAB person, but I do have some experience with this.

I have one child, a son who is 5. My wife and I are raising him in as gender-neutral an environment as possible. He seems pretty cisgender right now, but we would welcome any non-conforming choices he might make in the future. My son accepts my use of nail polish without any comments or complaints, and he is completely fine with the outlandish makeup I come up with each Halloween. He also sees me cooking and sewing all the time, and my wife and I really impress on him the fact that people can do anything they want, no matter what their established gender happens to be.

Here's the thing, though. My son has never seen me express my feminine side through clothes or beauty makeup. The one Halloween I dressed as a woman, he commented later that he didn't want me to do it again, and that comment hurt in a much stronger way than I was prepared for. At some point, he will be asking me questions about why I have so much makeup or, if he goes snooping, why I have a bra and skirts.

There will come a day where I have to explain being trans and non-binary with him, and I'm not sure how he'll respond. My hope is that my wife and I have raised him in such a way that he'll respond in a positive way.

[charley83]

Dec 13, 2018 22:34:04 GMT 8 Becky said:

Sorry to hop onto this thread as another AMAB person, but I do have some experience with this.

I have one child, a son who is 5. My wife and I are raising him in as gender-neutral an environment as possible. He seems pretty cisgender right now, but we would welcome any non-conforming choices he might make in the future. My son accepts my use of nail polish without any comments or complaints, and he is completely fine with the outlandish makeup I come up with each Halloween. He also sees me cooking and sewing all the time, and my wife and I really impress on him the fact that people can do anything they want, no matter what their established gender happens to be.

Here's the thing, though. My son has never seen me express my feminine side through clothes or beauty makeup. The one Halloween I dressed as a woman, he commented later that he didn't want me to do it again, and that comment hurt in a much stronger way than I was prepared for. At some point, he will be asking me questions about why I have so much makeup or, if he goes snooping, why I have a bra and skirts.

There will come a day where I have to explain being trans and non-binary with him, and I'm not sure how he'll respond. My hope is that my wife and I have raised him in such a way that he'll respond in a positive way.

I'm concerned about my youngest because she seems dead set on there being strict gender roles. She doesn't like when anyone but a woman does her hair or cooks. I know she is still little and her views can change. My oldest is like me he is up for anything despite  what society says. Now my 9 year old is my kid that loves sports and Then will turn around and put on his sisters others and dance around and play dolls and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I just sit back and smile knowing if he's this confident and understanding about it now he's not gonna have too many issues as an adult. My concern with him is his father who I'm glad I'm not with anymore tends to get mad if he knows he's been playing dress up and playing with dolls. So our thing is "what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him" lol
I'm actually about to get my hair cut next week and I'm going from hair that is almost to mid back to a long pixie with an undercut. And my daughter may flip out and make a scene because in her words "girls have long hair". 

[Becky]

Dec 13, 2018 23:14:58 GMT 8 charley83 said:

Dec 13, 2018 22:34:04 GMT 8 Becky said:

Sorry to hop onto this thread as another AMAB person, but I do have some experience with this.

I have one child, a son who is 5. My wife and I are raising him in as gender-neutral an environment as possible. He seems pretty cisgender right now, but we would welcome any non-conforming choices he might make in the future. My son accepts my use of nail polish without any comments or complaints, and he is completely fine with the outlandish makeup I come up with each Halloween. He also sees me cooking and sewing all the time, and my wife and I really impress on him the fact that people can do anything they want, no matter what their established gender happens to be.

Here's the thing, though. My son has never seen me express my feminine side through clothes or beauty makeup. The one Halloween I dressed as a woman, he commented later that he didn't want me to do it again, and that comment hurt in a much stronger way than I was prepared for. At some point, he will be asking me questions about why I have so much makeup or, if he goes snooping, why I have a bra and skirts.

There will come a day where I have to explain being trans and non-binary with him, and I'm not sure how he'll respond. My hope is that my wife and I have raised him in such a way that he'll respond in a positive way.

I'm concerned about my youngest because she seems dead set on there being strict gender roles. She doesn't like when anyone but a woman does her hair or cooks. I know she is still little and her views can change. My oldest is like me he is up for anything despite  what society says. Now my 9 year old is my kid that loves sports and Then will turn around and put on his sisters others and dance around and play dolls and doesn't see anything wrong with it. I just sit back and smile knowing if he's this confident and understanding about it now he's not gonna have too many issues as an adult. My concern with him is his father who I'm glad I'm not with anymore tends to get mad if he knows he's been playing dress up and playing with dolls. So our thing is "what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him" lol
I'm actually about to get my hair cut next week and I'm going from hair that is almost to mid back to a long pixie with an undercut. And my daughter may flip out and make a scene because in her words "girls have long hair". 

Girls these days are presented with so many gender stereotypes - it amazes me.  Between Disney Princesses and "Girl Legos" (Legos!), all of these pink and sparkly things get heavily reinforced by society and pop culture.

Just keep doing what you're doing.  There will be some tough days.  At some point, you as a role model will be more powerful than what your daughter sees at school or on TV.  It will help her be a more empowered and accepting adult.
<3

[charley83]

Omg don't get me started on all the "girl" toys! I have always gone for toys that I can get for all 3 kids. I would just get 3 different colors lol. Its so hard find toys like that. I remember growing up playing with hotwheels and legos. I played barbies too but me and my brother added in GI Joe and Barbie went to war! My daughter plays with hotwheels but only if they are pink or purple. I hate toys.....

[Ativan Prescribed]

In the end when it boils down to who is right, it almost always defaults to the parents, kids rebel, but when they need the help they can get from parents, they will turn there, and same for right and wrong.
Which is the very same thing, you listen to the wrong side of society and they will tell you all sorts of lies, when you want the truth, you will trust the parents long before some idiot's bs.
Even in today's world, they learn more from parents than they do anyone else, they depended on you as little children and even if they rebel, that feeling they have will always be there.
There is only so much a parent can do to help them growing up, the information comes from everywhere, but in the end, they will trust you before they trust the world.

[Trinity]

I've avoided this thread, its a trigger hot spot.

My 3 year old grandson and his mother, my daughter, lives with us now.

The biggest reason, I think, that they all want me to detransition, is so the kid grows up binary male.

The entire Christmas has been about forcing me to detransition based on religious reasons. Or based on transphobia.

Since I am androgyne, its no big deal for me to cover up when I am around, but its a very big deal when you try to take over my personal life and truth with your version of it, when that truth is not for you to define, its deeply personal and something between me and God.

But with the boy, its a small accomodation. If he is going to be NB or trans, he'll find that way soon enough, right now there is no sign of that.

Boundaries and comfort zones, but some day, he is going to want to know why grandpa has boobs and sleeps in a nightgown.

It's been hell here for a while. I think I will limit my outer expression of being me to in private more, its just a matter of throwing on my long green fuzzy bathrobe anyway.

As to the whole boy girl and binary thing, nonbinary thing, well, whatever. Don't mess with me, and I will accomodate you. Force me to live a lie, or make you my God instead of God my God in terms of what is truth, and its going to go to hell big time.

I can accept that they are in the binary, the binary is truth to many. Its just not mine.

But I don't need to reveal that to a 3 year old who has every indication of being a binary male. I can take him down that road, very easy, and he will be more accomodating of those who are not like him, just because I cannot be a binary male, no matter what I do.

[Ativan Prescribed]

There is no determinations they can make about whether kids will grow up one way or another, gay or trans as parents or whoever, there is just nothing there that indicates it influences them.
On the other hand, kids grow up as bigots if their environment is bigots, but sexuality and gender have nothing on them, in fact when they do, they tend to have a better outlook, are more accepting of the world around them, but it in no way influences them one way or the other, they are born to be who they are, but then there is study after study that shows bad behavior is passed on to kids almost all the time, it is hard to break the pattern, so being trans isn't going to do anything but maybe make the kid a little more rounded and unless there is a lot of bad shit, and bigotry is one of those, they tend to pick it up and even pass it on to their kids.
The idea that it can be passed on is so much bs that it is hadly ever even mentioned accept in the bigot circles.
If the mother dyes her hair blonde all the time when it is really brown, the kid isn't going to grow up with blond hair, sounds ridiculous, but then so does the passing on gay and trans.
They can't even pray it away, they can't beat it out of people, nothing changes it so if you rare you are but if you ain't, then nothing is going to change it.
You can try to beat it into people, pray it into people, you can do anything you want and if they ain't, nothing is going to change that, so why would these self recognised as authority on it think that shit is going to change gay and trans? Fucking bigots, there is no getting around it, and by the way, you can pray that out of them, beating probably works, I'm sure it does and I tend to lean in that direction over praying, depends on the level of bigotry, some of them AI think need a arm or leg cut off to see if that works, if not then try another one, so you can change a bigot, but you can't change gay or trans, it has never been done, if they say it has, they lie because not one of those assholes has any proof, and the ones they say they converted? As soon as those people could get away, they tell the story of how scared they were they were going to be killed or have to live that horrible life forever, they didn't change, they said they did to stop the adony inflicted on them, and that is the truth, there is not one shred of evidence either way, so if you think you can change your best cid binary friend into being a gay trans lover or anything, ain't going to work and don't even think of the praying them into it, that is the start of all bigotry right there.

[Trinity]

Well, it'll piss my wige off a little, but i wouldnt mind racing karts with him...

I knew when i was very little i was different.

From the cradle.

[Trinity]

Seriously they need love more than anything else.

[charley83]

I have always been under the impression that if you are a guest in a persons house whether visiting or having to live with them that you respect the people you are imposing on. I don't know the reasons why her and the grandson are living with you but she needs to let you live your life. You are the parent and have a right to live how you want in your own home. If she doesn't want her son exposed to you in a feminine form then she needs to go somewhere else. I don't think it's right to force someone to live a lie in their own home after they have already come out and living openly. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Trinity]

Dec 24, 2018 22:45:31 GMT 8 charley83 said:

I have always been under the impression that if you are a guest in a persons house whether visiting or having to live with them that you respect the people you are imposing on. I don't know the reasons why her and the grandson are living with you but she needs to let you live your life. You are the parent and have a right to live how you want in your own home. If she doesn't want her son exposed to you in a feminine form then she needs to go somewhere else. I don't think it's right to force someone to live a lie in their own home after they have already come out and living openly. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

She's here with us after we got them out of the clutches of a severe abuse scenario as well as an active drug addict roommate.

The kid is doing so much better down here, she is as well but has serious battered wife type issues.

Reestablished the boundaries, I am who I am, they can't change that, nor are they invited to comment on it again, it is between me and God.

However, addiction related issues on my side that are related to pushing it too far TS in lieu of nonbinary are duly noted, I have a lot to figure out there.

But the kid is fine, we are getting through it all, and I put my foot down and they are finally respecting that.  Or surrendering to it.

I did adjust my presentation while my oldest daughter is here, to some extent, though she caught me last night in my nightgown, and I typically wear a heavy green robe and the nightgown shows under it at the neckline.

But the kid appears fine, and I think things are ironing out.

Fear is a terrible motivator, isn't it.


But I have realized that I did push way to the TS side, and the truth is that I am nonbinary and need to relax into the freedom that gives and get as much clarity as I can, both on how it affects others, and how it affects me.

Boundaries, and they are mine, not theirs.

Its turning out the be a Merry Christmas here, in spite of the crazies and the widespread issues in the family through the destruction of alcoholism or addiction on all sides, in laws, direct parents, all of it, its just how it goes.

And nobody drinks here really, which is pretty great.  Act out, yes, but no real booze unless someone has a half glass of wine.

Which I am ok with.

Thanks for the understanding post.  I get concerned that my Christianity would drive people away or off the boards, its a hard subject for trans but a big part of who I am.

Hugs and wishing you the best, the kids should be so much fun tommorrow morning.  Mines getting a Batman flashlight and a nice bathrobe thats fuzzy like grandpa's.

And a helmet and arm protectors....he needs it.
LOL.
Candlelight service tonight.   
No more about gender with them.  Discussion terminated, heavy step work and prayer in play to clean out the gunk.  And theres a lot of it.

Oy.   Said too much but whatever.
Merry Christmas.   

[Trinity]

I do hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and thanks for starting this thread, its a good one. Make you think.

LOL. I should hang up a thigh high stocking instead of the little red one.....



Have a great time.

[charley83]

I am so happy that things are settled in your house. I admire your strength. I caved and dressed as femme as I could handle today for my Husbands family. I don't have much to do with my side and that is because they are a bunch of selfish people who only came around when they needed something from me. But back to the in-laws. His parents and brothers have seen me and accept how I dress and act but for the sake of keeping the peace and not snatching one of his cousins up by her hair I chose to be April and not charley. Which basically meant I spent hours in a corner and not socializing. But hey long as there was no hair pulling I call it a win. Tomorrow is set to be ok. No family visits and get to sit around my own house wearing what I want. Only down side is I'm minus one kid because his dad has him this Christmas. Merry Christmas.