Memories of the Unicorns

[Trinity]

Its our 4th anniversary.

What are your standout memories of this place?

It began from a ban, there was an exodus, and a new beginning.

Many lives were saved.  And it had growing pains, and some unlleasant and sad times.

And so many victories, so many changed lives.

Some loved ones lost, some remain.

It changes, it grows, it shifts.

Seasons in the forest.

[Becky]

I was waiting for a more veteran person to chime in first, but I'm feeling really emotional about this and want to write something.

This forum saved my life.

Pure and simple, this forum saved my life. I felt alone, ashamed, and completely clueless about what to do. Alcohol? Self harm?

This forum helped me figure myself out and, more importantly, it put me in touch with a second family. ALL OF YOU. We send virtual hugs, send words of encouragement, and lift each other up when standing seems too hard.

I honestly don't know where I'd be right now without this forum. Happy 4th anniversary, and may we continue for many, many more years!

[Ativan Prescribed]

It is the #1 goal here, to change the lives from despair to just feeling normal.
It's a place to find and read about others who are very much the same, despite everyone being different.
NB covers a lot of territory and other LGBT have a more narrowed territory, lots more similar to each other.
But the very thing that makes this place is the variety of people, kinda the same yet different in so many things.
The only thing that is a running theme is that we are not binary, we are simply Non-Binary and though we understand it, binaries seldom do.
There is no identifying markers, no looks, no particulars at all other than NB.
An despite the very broad range of things and ways that NB can be, there just isn't much in the way of real actual information.
There is a lot of it out there, but from what I have seen, it's basically one persons version of NB, which is OK, but it is only their version, not anyone elses.
Here the differences aren't important other than it gives a sense of others who understand, and that leads to just hanging out and talking about life.
That is the thing that others can see and join in on, there are glimmers of things that are the answers to questions not asked.
And the questions asked have answers that can be very vague, but have the feeling that there is an understanding just the same.
People come here and find the answer or not, a lot just move on I think, they found what they came here for, but those who stick around become a part of a community here.
It is that community that saves lives, not the answers and not the questions, those are the individual things and we are all very much our own person, different in a lot of ways.
Over the four years here, it has been a struggle at times and we lost some very key people do to just a name change that they couldn't wrap their heads around, it did make the forum more specific.
We simply droped the transsexula referance in the title, nothing internally changed, a lot of people didn't leave because of it, but it did bring in more of the people that we are like.
But it was all new and nobody really knew how to run the place and it was put on auto from day one, no moderators.
We do keep an eye on trouble makers and there have been several instances of trolls coming in and trying their best.
That is a life saver right there, the level of protection, everyone assumes and rightly so that the names used here or just made up ones and personal information is not required to be here.
It runs like it does for some very good reasons, the original members came from another forum that just couldn't handle the inside community of NB, they wanted us to be like them I guess.
It's members run and there are threads that have gone nowhere and ones that have hung on, only because it is in response to the members and their posts.
There is the one real rule, the golden rule, just be like you would reasonably expect others to be, you are never obligated to answer any posts that you don't like, and you shouldn't.
Things can ande do get a little sketchy at times, and it's an indication for the diversity here, but most of diversity blands in a way that there is no ends to to it, no left and right, no up or down.
The binary idea that we are on a spectrum is highly disputed here and there are a number of factors that make that idea simply wrong.
There is a spectrum for transsexuals on their journey from one of the binary genders to the other one.
That they have similar things going on at times that can be seen as a like thing to us, they aren't, and we aren't them and that spectrum is solely theirs and it is the foundation of their journeys in life.
There are different ways of looking at who we are and where we fit in, and we do because we have always been around and have always fit in until given a name and explanation of how gender works for us.
There is a blank stare of fright from some when given that explanation and they spend considerable time if trying to defy that existence of us, and for that,society has gone out of there way to exclude us.
To them, we don't fit in, so it is up to us to make it right for them so they don't have to think past their version of gender, binary.
So this is the place to come and find the things you want to find, if they are here and you can't find them, then ask... the answers gotten could be the ones you need.
But sometimes there isn't the level of answer that some want, a rock solid this is this and that is that, for us here it doesn't work that way, there is no definitive answers that can be given in one paragraph.
It takes getting the feel of things sometimes and that dynamic is the sole of the forum, there is an underlying feeling of community here.

[Trinity]

Not many of the original group is left.

We lost some dear people, tempers have flaired, personalities conflicted. It can get a bit brutal at times, and it has, I hate it when it happens.

It hasn't happened in a while now.

But the forum has indeed stopped more than one suicide, some don't like it, some do.

There are individuals that have come that I remember, got their lives together, are either dropping by as guests or move on.

My own journey was intense, and I stay on. I have some deep bonds in here. For me the forum was life or death, its well enough known.

And I watch some, care deeply, reach out when I can, try to nurture. If I can give anyone some self esteem and the love of Satinjoy that was released in this place after being stifled all those many years, then I have done a service.

I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. And I had it better than most.

I always assumed I was a TS woman, in some ways I am, in some ways I am not. It breaks the rules, but I've been here a long time, and there are no rules, and I can break whatever I want to, as long as its truth.

It was in the old forest that we really got into living the truth. Many discoveries were made, here and in the old forest. What started for some as gender like a spinning coin, one side he and one she, spin it and its hard to see the difference.... that evolved, we evolved. Our understandings of it all evolved.

I began talking of the diamond core in the old forest, it caught on in a big way. Later it was the symphony.... but early on there was the gendersplit, when the elements of gender fight each other internally, creating horrific dysphoria and taking you right to the edge.

We got past that. I don't have gendersplit any more, I have only me. It was seeing it as the symphony that was the big breakthrough.

The creatures thread was a breakthrough that carried over, it died out a little, but I see folks come in and comment on it, and it has its place. Longest running of all the threads now, it predates this forum. Well over 50,000 views are on the old thread, its still alive even there. And here as well, but here it has morphed, and both are special.

But we have seen a lot, there has been some dramatic life changes.

The heaviest time was when Ativan went over the edge. I had thought they had suicided, the pain was excruciating, we are quite close.

Then I found out they were in the psyche unit, and I got to help get them out of it.

Some others have been helped too, in ways that are important. River has a new life, she would be dead. I pm'd Jenn one night and she had a bottle of pills in her hand and set them down....it was big.

Just paying attention, but it takes a lot, and people slip through the cracks. We usually don't hear about the deaths.

The explosion on the name change, that was just crazy, it was to draw more nonbinaries in, a lot of nice people left, a lot of things that should never have been said got said, old friendships were ruined in a week. It sucked and it still sucks.

That was a couple of years ago.

In my own journey I have fully transitioned, live outside both as male and female and androgyne, kept the marriage and the kids, lost other relationships, became a peer of the stars on Broadway that are trans, got a lot of respect and was active up in NY.

Nearly died from a bleed out, was ravaged by discrimination. its been a wild journey.

But the love has been constant, the support here has been constant. And that is the key, the forum became the lifeboat, the anchor. And I am heavy handed on it, I post a lot. Its a part of me.

So lots has happened and it continues to do so, its not just what is my gender, its how do I live now that I know who I am, how do I survive this?
A
And we have the matrix concept as well. Trinity is a name I have for so many reasons, the Matrix is there, so is the gender, core, sex and sexuality.... as well as the components of me.... there's so many reasons for that name. But I am also Satinjoy, SJ, still am. Just don't need to go back, the old forest has dear friends in it but it just died on me. We have so much more here, this forest is alive, its about life, its about everything, we share who we are, music, pets, looks, hopes, dreams, fears, its all right here.

Its home to me.

(Flies to h'er treehouse, the fairy with the funny pronoun, clothed in silk, candle in the window and incense burning on the breeze, the old gypsy of the forest, alive, full of love, and finally free.)

[Avery]

This place saved my life. In February it'll be two years since I joined but it feels like much much longer than that.I look back on the scared and ashamed kid I was when I created new email addresses and fake names to join this community and my god what a difference two years can make. Its not easy right now. I'm having a hard time. But the difference is, I'm not hiding anymore and yeah sometimes the world gets to me and I still feel shame but I'm out, I'm genuine, free, and loved, and I get to spend my time doing trans education and I couldn't have done any of that if I hadn't found a haven in this forum. A family.

[Yuki]

I've been here for two years since August.

I can't say I've come as far as everyone else here. Most of my life issues aren't really trans related. I guess I'm lucky for that, in a way. My husband accepted it pretty quickly. I can't even remember exactly why I joined... I guess to talk to other people like myself, who would understand while I worked to figure myself out.

I do feel like I have myself figured out now. So this forum has been more to me than just trans stuff. It's life stuff. I can come here and post about anything, among friends. Not just strangers talking about one subject and not really knowing much else about each other. That's been nice. Especially since I don't have many people in my life. I know I can come here to talk about the good and the bad, like I would with a normal family if I had one that would listen. It means I have a place to vent so I don't have to dump it all on my husband constantly, who is stressed enough. It's an extra outlet for everything, trans and not.

So it's more than just a forum. It's like you all are a part of my life. My social circle that I don't have in person.