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Post by Valerie on Apr 25, 2018 18:03:48 GMT 8
I been meaning to make this ever since my last suicide attempt, but I didn’t know how to word any this. I know from talking to Trinity, s’he suggested that I bring up this up on forum and get others suggestions, or in puts! I knows I should have done this much sooner.
Honestly, I’ve been an absolute mess these past few days, and I finally got my self under control, yesterday, and then started going down hill again. I been stuck in this depressive/anxiety feelings both at same time, and I kept trying to get myself outta that place with music, podcasts, just going outside, or playing video games, but I had absolute no interest in anything that I usually do! My insecurities, and fears were eating me up, and I make up too many excuses, and obstacles to keep me from trying & striving after things! I really really need to work on putting myself out there more regardless of risks! (Within reason of course) I been letting my fears hold me back too much.
I’m trying to pick up running as a hobby, and view it as a fun me thing to do instead of as like exercise! I wanna try and do that more often, instead of just giving into laying in bed wrapped up in blankets. I’ve also been trying to pick up with journaling again & been journaling everyday. And I’m gonna try calling my dad and tell him how much I been struggling & tell him everything with my attempts, and depression (maybe... I think I can trust him with just us knowing & I don’t want to hurt him by what I have to say) I’m basically going to try as hard as I can to keep fighting & pushing & get through this and go after what I want. Of course it’s not all just gonna happen just like that & I need to start with working more on my esteem, and confidence, and telling myself “yes I can do this “ instead of thinking about and focusing on everything that could go wrong, or how I’d not be good enough.
But anyways back to point of this I started feeling extremely suicidal again, and I will be honest I do have a plan, but nothing set in motion. Even though part of me wants to end all my pain I can’t do that to everyone who loves me & cares about me. Plus it’s way too final & I just can’t no matter how much I may want to end my life, I just can’t bc that’s it that’s the end, even though that feels like so much comfort, and I feel content with no longer being alive. But I keep trying to hold my head above water & reminding myself that this isn’t me these thoughts and feelings aren’t me! I need help and I recognize that currently as I need to try and start reaching out more, and making sure I stop this isolating I do when I get like this.
Anyways, my bf & I talked and I told him everything how I been feeling lately, and how I had a plan, & I just he had so much pain on his face, in voice, and crying I just I don’t ever want to see him in that much pain ever again, I never want to cause that pain in him again. He told me he’s really worried about me, and he thinks I really should look into anti depressants, bc he said i been getting like this more and more recently, and he’s really worried, and he just wants me to feel better. He’s right I need to stop worrying, and being afraid of taking anti depressants bc it seems like I just keep getting worse, and he’s right i am, and I’m finding it harder & harder not to try and attempt again. It pained me to say that to him I wanted to promise him that I’m not going anywhere that I wouldn’t do, but I couldn’t promise it part of me no matter how much I want the best for me & to have a happy fulfilling life, I also just want to end it as well. I really do need help.
My fears & worries about starting anti depressants, are mainly just that they’ll push me over edge even more, or that I can’t really trust myself with them bc what if I try taking a bottle. Although, my bf told me that there’s some that you can take & aren’t that strong/powerful like his he said that even looked it up if he were to try take a bottle of his they’d only make him sick. I also don’t kinda wanna feel like I need to depend on meds just to keep me functional, but I also know there’s nothing wrong with it & it’d just be me taking care of myself and balancing out the chemicals in my brain! But let’s face it I been trying to handle everything as best I can on my own, and it really has been getting to point where I know I need help. Journaling, and telling my bf every time I’m suicidal isn’t gonna help me in long term. I need to do more now. I guess I just also kinda worry about not being able to afford them though. I’m already barely making it with paying for my hormones, and for therapy sessions. I really do need to go out for more help. My therapist gave me a recommendation for a doctor who he said he has clients who speak well of him, and I’m gonna trying looking up to see if going to him would be covered my insurance and I can just do copay, hopefully just try barely get by if I have to if I do go through this!
What kinda anti depressants are good ones, or at least suggest able? Idk I mean I guess that’s a very vague kinda unanswerable question since I know it all depends on what works with a certain person, and what dosage works for them. What about types of anti-depressants that aren’t that powerful, and I would know wouldn’t do anything to me if tried taking all them? I know I’d feel comfortable about knowing that I wouldn’t even be able to use them if I got really bad.
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Post by Avery on Apr 25, 2018 22:15:30 GMT 8
I am so glad you have such a supportive boyfriend, Val. And I am so proud of you for sticking it out this long, every day is a little victory and you're so strong and amazing for all the steps you are taking. Sending you so much love and support!!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking medication. I felt the same way and resisted for years, but now I have been on anti-depressants for almost 5 years. It was tough at first, because it took about 2 months to find some that worked for me. I definitely do recommend it though, because it can help boost your mood and if you combine it with all the other strategies, like journaling and talking and all those things, it can really work.
You can probably work with your doctor if you are afraid of taking the bottle - mostly they would just make you sick, but if it is dangerous, maybe they can give you one week's worth of pills at a time ? Plus there are lots of meds that are powerful in their effects on brain chemistry without being powerful on the rest of your body, so they wouldn't hurt you too badly if you took them all.
I was on citalopram for several years (a variant of celexa I believe) and then switched to zoloft a few months ago because the citalopram wasn't working anymore. I much prefer the zoloft (sertraline) but like you said, everyone is different and it takes some time to figure out what works best for you.
It's tough that you have to pay out of pocket, but if you can find someplace that takes your insurance it would be good. And in terms of money, if you can do it, it's worth the money, not just for your health and mood but because when you're happier you can live more fully and get better jobs, etc.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Apr 25, 2018 22:23:25 GMT 8
I would avoid Zoloft like the plague. It made my suicidal thoughts worse, I experienced homicidal tendencies, hallucinations and seizures but that is my experience. YMMV (Edit: It worked fine for Avery, ok, that's good news!) As a result, I refused to take any antidepressants after that, it was such a bad experience for me but my depressive symptoms have been creeping back in that my doctor is getting concerned the last time I went in, I scored high on the list of depressive symptoms. He wanted to prescribed me an antidepressant but I NOPED out of there so fast. But I'm realising depression is something I've struggled with my whole life so it might be worth it to look into medication again. You shouldn't fear or worry about starting medication but I understand the stigma surrounding it. I'm not sure which anti-depressants are good ones, you're right, it's kind of unanswerable question. The better thing to do would be get rid of the urge to take the entire bottle. Do a pros/cons list, would it be something like this? pros - content feeling of not living anymore cons - don't want to die waste whole bottle / it'll be a waste of money you don't have might throw it all back up hospital bills on top of everything else would suck guilt/shame/depression is amplified family might find out / bf will be upset the cons outweigh the pro so far. Just remember, that little voice inside you that tells you you're worthless, that you'd be doing everybody a huge favour if you'd just drop dead, it speaks lies. It fuels itself on the fear, worry, guilt, shame you have within you. TW: Attempted suicide stuff. The last time I attempted suicide, I was attempting to drown myself in the bathtub. I was pre-HRT and had been forced to wait 4 years for HRT, while my psychiatrist dangled HRT as a topic in front of me like a carrot every month, It was hell. It was torture. I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted the noise of dysphoria to go away. So I attempted to drown myself, with the intention of dying. First attempt, I pulled myself up because I was shocked by the sensation of letting the water trickle back down my nostrils and into my throat. Second attempt, I hardened my resolve and went under. I opened my eyes and as water rushed in, I saw the light filtering through the bathroom window. It was as if time stood still. The light got brighter and I saw flashes of what would've been my funeral. My family and friends crying but as cold as this may sound, I couldn't have cared less about that. What stood out to me, was that I was referred as (former name), she, her, daughter and I was buried as female. I shot back up, coughing the water up. Struggling to get my breath back and I knew then, that was my reason. It pulled me away from the edge indefinitely. "I don't want to die as a female." "I don't want to die until I've experience happiness." "I don't want to die, I have so many things I want to do" (e.g. one of my life-long dreams was to go to Japan, which I finally got to do last November!) Had I died then, I would've never experienced: - Being on T - Top surgery - Got a qualification in Graphic Design - Found out I'm non-binary and aromantic asexual - Reconnected with two friends from high-school, whom I'm close friends with now - Visiting Japan - Taking small steps in building self-confidence and self-esteem You just have to try and find your reason to live, it will be different for everyone but it will be something that you can always call back to so it helps you step away from that edge. nonbinary.proboards.com/thread/6783/pictures-worth-words <- Maybe take a look through your thread, from beginning to end? Seeing the amazing progress you've made? There is no shame in getting help, I'm so proud of you for taking this step. Valerie, you're beautiful, in mind, body and soul. Just for the record, you're not allowed to die, OK? So throw your plans away, call me selfish but I want to be able to give you a hug IRL, spend a day or a week with you, introduce me to that lovely bf of yours, show me around where you live (and the river you love)!
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Post by Von on Apr 27, 2018 0:21:14 GMT 8
As someone who has experienced Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and ALL the anxieties from a very young age, anti-depressants do help. They provide a ladder to help you out of the hole, so you can talk to people about how you feel, instead of bottling it up and turning it into plans for death.
I think you already see someone, a therapist? Combine the two methods of attack. Meds and therapy. It won't fix everything right away, meds usually have to stew a while before they start working at full capacity. There's nothing wrong with needing help. If that help comes as a capsule, so be it. You need every opportunity to be healthy and happy. Every one of them works differently for everybody, so your doctor may change the dosages or change to a different med completely.
You just need to be open and honest with how you feel. If you feel like shit, say so. If you feel slightly better but not 100%, that's a hint they might be close to finding what works for you. But you've gotta be transparent, or nobody can help.
I wish you luck, whatever you choose. But I hope ultimately you choose life. We love you here, and you are loved at home.
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Post by Avery on Apr 27, 2018 0:24:41 GMT 8
Another idea, if you choose to start anti-depressants, is to do a daily mood check in (or more than one per day if your mood changes often). There are lots of apps that can help you stay organized but sometimes it can help see trends and minor improvements and link them to the meds. You can also keep track of whether you eat healthy or not, exercise, journal, etc.
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Post by Valerie on Apr 27, 2018 11:33:18 GMT 8
Thank you all for your input! I’m gonna look into seeing if doctor my therapist recommended me takes my insurance or not, and if not I might try making a post on the local queer exchange fb group, and ask if any recommends trans friendly doctor with my insurance. That’s my plan at least so far!
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Post by Valerie on Nov 7, 2018 0:05:00 GMT 8
Okay so I took a huge step in going to planned parenthood for anti depressants! Told her everything to try get right meds and my fears around them. There gonna start me off on lexapro. Any advice on what to prepare for on them?? I’m so nervous and anxious about this
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Avatar by @hitsukuya
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Post by EchelonHunt on Nov 7, 2018 0:42:41 GMT 8
Okay so I took a huge step in going to planned parenthood for anti depressants! Told her everything to try get right meds and my fears around them. There gonna start me off on lexapro. Any advice on what to prepare for on them?? I’m so nervous and anxious about this Lexapro is a good one to start on! I'm on Lexapro (started small dose, 5mg up to 20mg) and 20mg is kinda like the sweet spot for me, the depression has lessened greatly and the anxiety has lessened (I still experience bouts of it especially when doing presentations). Overall, I just feel so much more functional when I'm on Lexapro. My family have noticed a huge improvement in my mood, I'm not irritable like I used to be, more calm and mellow. That being said though, people react to medication differently. My friend used to be on Lexapro but it didn't work for her so she went back on Zoloft, which worked for her in the past. But for me, Zoloft was t h e worst anti-depressant I ever took, it made me homicidal, hallucinate and have seizures but then I was combining them with copious amounts of binge-drinking back then, which isn't the greatest idea ever. And I knew back then I didn't need anti-depressants, I needed hormones so I feel like that didn't help either.
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Post by Avery on Nov 7, 2018 0:48:22 GMT 8
I've never taken this one in particular but some general advice for starting anti depressants would be:
Be patient. They might not work right away, you might have to fiddle with the dosage or try something else, but if you stick with it you'll find what works for you and be glad you waited it our
Pay attention to the small things. Are you a bit more energized? Is it easier to eat healthy foods? Do you feel just a tad more hopeful? These things can start small so tracking progress in little steps can help you see that it is working even if you don't see a big difference.
Be realistic. Anti depressants aren't going to fix any problems they're just going to help you be more prepared and equipped to deal with them. When we have a healthy mind or a healthy level of different neuro chemicals we can tackle challenges and persist through difficulty much more easily. *That* is what anti depressants can do for you
I'm so happy and proud you took this step, Val. Keep on keeping on, sweetie 💜
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Post by Yuki on Nov 7, 2018 8:50:11 GMT 8
My husband is on Lexapro after his last one wasn't working so well, anymore. It seems to work pretty well for him, with minimal side effects.... and actually, I don't think he has any side effects at all from it right now.
Like Avery said, have patience with it. It can take a few weeks to really get into your system enough for you to start to notice any difference. And, when you first start them is when any side effects are more likely... things like trouble sleeping are common. But most of that goes away after a few weeks or a month, and you settle into it... then it should start to feel normal, if it's the right one. So don't let any minor side effects scare you. You probably will get some, but most likely they won't be too bad. Just stick with it, and of course talk to the Dr that gave them to you about them, too! They should be able to tell you what's normal and what's not. But most are minor... like I said, maybe trouble sleeping or decreased/increased appetite. For my husband, all of that went away once he adjusted to them.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Nov 7, 2018 9:19:20 GMT 8
They give you an edge on depression, they don't stop or cure it, but that edge is usually what people need, give it a chance, it takes time, but you should see something in a couple three weeks at the most. Then they want you to stick with it regardless for a couple more weeks, but there is very little to go on as far a prescribing the right one. It's hit and miss, a crap shoot, but that they are all pretty much similar in how they work, even one that isn't the best is going to be better than nothing. I took a couple years to get to where I am now, and I've been using the same on for a very long time, I stop or forget a few days, I can tell a lot. So I take it that it works, I've upped the dose and taken it down, but over time, I am doing a lot better and the dose is constantly down. This is the help you get, take the edge off and it gives you the room to just work on yourself and identify the causes and see if there is something you can do and there almost always is. The causes are pretty much an unknown for each person, but there are some pretty standard kinds of things, but it can also be a combination of just some of each or more. So running it down as you go day by day is the best you can do, but then that is hard without some help and that's where antidepressants come in, first line of defense. You have to stick with them for at least a few weeks, four is better, they like five if they can get you to do that, but then they are more leaning on their presiding as being right. If you feel good in the first week, just wait and don't take that as it is really working, might be, might not, so when it cycles down again, it seems farther down, it's not. Same thing when it is working, you are going to cycle through it just the same, but not as much because if they are working, you'll be able to have that advantage, you can pay better attention without that making you more depressed, and that's the danger of depression, the more you are the more you think about it and the more that can make you more depressed, sometimes it's just too hard to pull out of it for a long time, but if the antidepressant is working, you can get past the downward spiral and that is going to allow you to find your way back, and we're waiting for you to get here.
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Post by Valerie on Nov 25, 2018 19:32:35 GMT 8
I like them! They make me feel good. I haven’t felt this good in like ever
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