[ti]sad[/ti]HRT gone wrong

[Cypres]

Dear all,

I have been on T for about 4 years. I started with a low dose, and honestly from the start I was not sure I wanted this because my body did not react to it well. I had night sweats for about 3 month so heavily that my doctor made several tests to figure out if do not have a severe illness. I also had extremly try eyes which caused a lot of discomfort. But more than this I developed a chronic sinusitis and my genital milieu was fucked up hard, so I had basically a chronic infection of my urethra and genitals over a period of 4 years. Which made my life very very shitty, I started acting out a little, haven't dated for years and lost most of my friends, because I just couldn't talk to then about what is happening. Doctors where unable to help and I myself only found a way to theat it daily so as to minimise discomfort, but it just never healed up, no matter what I tried. So far I haven't found anyone with only a remotely similar problem, everyone else just appears to be fine and enjoys their new found sexuality on T.
About a month ago I deceided I have to let it go. Since then I believe I can see minior improvements, but I still have to use products daily to keep iching and pain managable. If you wonder why I even went trough this for so long wihtout stopping, first I barely was read as a man on T, and it was clear that this will change quickly if I go off (which in my case means being read as a trans woman and face that sort of voilence), but more importantly, I felt psychologically T helped me a lot and I had a lot less mental health trouble and I was afraid I would go back to regular panick attacks and very creepy obsessive ideas, which I had before for years. It seems like my emotional langscape is changing now again, and some of what I feared comes back.
Honestly I am exhausted and quite frankly mad. I am so fucking mad at this world and my body. And envious of everyone who is healthy in their body. It seems like I have to choose to be either psychologically instable and manage manic-depressive symptoms and dissociations or be mentally well but have daily discomfort with my genitals and never ever the chance of physical contact again, because that makes me so uncomfortable. And even though I am off T now, my body still hasn't managed to heal, I am seriously afraid it will take month or even years for my system to recover. : .......... ( I am in dire need of emotional and also physical comfort. If you have anything kind to say, or any sort of tips (I believe I tried everything to make it better, but one never knows), feel free to write.

just a sidenote: my identity follows my level of comfort, wich hangs a lot on how good I feel in my body and how I am treated, thus the threat now of being read as trans woman daily scares the shit out of me, because I have had this already and I have been punched in the streets, so this is not so much about who I want to be, but more about how to be healthy, happy and safe

cypres
 

[Trinity]

First, welcome.

Second, this is a safe space for talking about this stuff.

My only advise at the moment is to say "keep venting".

The circumstances are different for me, but as a nonbinary transwoman i kind of get it.

But I can't imagine what you are dealing with here.

So the best I can do is respond and say "hugs".

[Trinity]

I think you've been around a while here but haben't shared lately?

[Cypres]

Hallo,

thanks for your response. I was here in 2016, but not ready to share this nightmare story ;)Somehow I was too worried that people would, while trying to help me, just confuse me more. That's what I felt from the start of my transition, so I had to figure this shit out on my own somehow. Also, there was this lingering fear someone would say that this is my fault anyway ... But I hope now it's getting better and with what's coming now I have to see how I will deal. I have lost years, because I just couldn't live, still today I mainly spend alone at home and just literally waste time ... that is usually not me at all. But on the other hand, I never try to go down the "regret road", I mean I made the decisions I made for a reason and I learned a lot about me, which hopefully will prepare me for what's to come.

[Trinity]

Apr 10, 2018 20:57:56 GMT 8 Cypres said:

Hallo,

thanks for your response. I was here in 2016, but not ready to share this nightmare story ;)Somehow I was too worried that people would, while trying to help me, just confuse me more. That's what I felt from the start of my transition, so I had to figure this shit out on my own somehow. Also, there was this lingering fear someone would say that this is my fault anyway ... But I hope now it's getting better and with what's coming now I have to see how I will deal. I have lost years, because I just couldn't live, still today I mainly spend alone at home and just literally waste time ... that is usually not me at all. But on the other hand, I never try to go down the "regret road", I mean I made the decisions I made for a reason and I learned a lot about me, which hopefully will prepare me for what's to come.

Not your fault.

We dont do blaming here anyway, but you have no blame to feel or take.

Coping mechs, that we do.

Vent.  Scream.  Hit pillows.  Then it goes the process of anger denial bargaining acceptance, depending on what cannpt be changed.

You are still figuring out what can be changed.

Like street smarts and hiding in plais sight so you stay safe.  Transwomen do that.  Its a skill, a safety tool.  Just because you are not a transwoman doesnt mean ypu cant use the same survival skills.  Doesnt change who you are.

This is the Matrix.  We have to be warriors and beat the agents and the macine of bullying conformists.

Share, if you want feedback ask for it, if not, warn up not to try to fix it and just ask for a hug.

You will get one.

[Cypres]

As I suspected, my mental health issues are coming back. Like before T I get intrusive thoughts, an always lingering fear of everything, and a feeling of deep guilt. I was so happy that was gone, it is majorly stressful. I really do not know how to handle all of this. Since so far I can only see minor improvements of the stuff that made me stop T, but what kept me going, on the other hand, proves to have been a good judgment call. I have to say, I honestly hoped I had grown out of it, and it is not just a hormone issue, but that seems to be not the case. Why on fucking earth does my system do that? I have to write a talk and I can barely focus and haven't even managed to do half of it. Even writing this I feel this chest pain, which is just psychological in some sense, but it's real pain, it feels as if I will have a heart attack someday soon, but it's just due to fear and believe me tried to learn every fucking skill there is to make this better. And I do not want to continue this thing where I do always therapy, I want to spend my time doing something other than focusing on not feeling shitty. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .......

[Trinity]

Apr 15, 2018 20:14:38 GMT 8 Cypres said:

As I suspected, my mental health issues are coming back. Like before T I get intrusive thoughts, an always lingering fear of everything, and a feeling of deep guilt. I was so happy that was gone, it is majorly stressful. I really do not know how to handle all of this. Since so far I can only see minor improvements of the stuff that made me stop T, but what kept me going, on the other hand, proves to have been a good judgment call. I have to say, I honestly hoped I had grown out of it, and it is not just a hormone issue, but that seems to be not the case. Why on fucking earth does my system do that? I have to write a talk and I can barely focus and haven't even managed to do half of it. Even writing this I feel this chest pain, which is just psychological in some sense, but it's real pain, it feels as if I will have a heart attack someday soon, but it's just due to fear and believe me tried to learn every fucking skill there is to make this better. And I do not want to continue this thing where I do always therapy, I want to spend my time doing something other than focusing on not feeling shitty. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .......

It doesn't sound good, its like you have to choose the lesser of two evils.

Which is worse, the physical issues, or the mental issues?

I personally could not handle coming off of estrogen.  Hormones are very powerful, and the added situation of being on HRT for an extended period, I know what that does to an mtf, as opposed to ftm binary or nonbinary.  And it is a significant deal, the body needs some kind of hormone levels to remain healthy.  All kinds of bad stuff happens to the mtf trans folks if they start high dose and discontinue it.  Physical things mostly.

I can't give you advice, it is your path to walk, but based on your responses, it almost sounds like a chemistry project and unfortunately you are the recipient and its important and its tough.  

So I guess I am just trying to encourage you to try all the angles, and to keep a level head, and look for whatever solutions you can find that will achieve mental balance as well as physical balance.  Whether thats low dose high dose no dose or some other method of getting health back, whatever you are doing, you can change again, and rebalance.

For me, every change in estrogen level takes about 6 weeks to rebalance all the levels, maybe even more.   So its a slow ramp up or slow taper off on any hormone change, for me, and then blood work, as well as doing a diary and talking about it and having an outside eye watching in case I destabilize.

So I hope that you find your way here, and we are always here as a sounding board in any way needed, whether to encourage, or share experience and strengh and hope, or just be an ear to hear you, and a forum hug to embrace.

So sorry you are not feeling well.   Don't give up.

And yes, use the release valves you have, whatever they are, to take your stress levels down and make you feel good.   Its hard to work the mental tools and have to focus on it so hard, but its a way of surviving until things click in.

Hang in there.

Trinity

[Trinity]

Apr 15, 2018 20:14:38 GMT 8 Cypres said:

As I suspected, my mental health issues are coming back. Like before T I get intrusive thoughts, an always lingering fear of everything, and a feeling of deep guilt. I was so happy that was gone, it is majorly stressful. I really do not know how to handle all of this. Since so far I can only see minor improvements of the stuff that made me stop T, but what kept me going, on the other hand, proves to have been a good judgment call. I have to say, I honestly hoped I had grown out of it, and it is not just a hormone issue, but that seems to be not the case. Why on fucking earth does my system do that? I have to write a talk and I can barely focus and haven't even managed to do half of it. Even writing this I feel this chest pain, which is just psychological in some sense, but it's real pain, it feels as if I will have a heart attack someday soon, but it's just due to fear and believe me tried to learn every fucking skill there is to make this better. And I do not want to continue this thing where I do always therapy, I want to spend my time doing something other than focusing on not feeling shitty. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh .......

Cypres

Are you doing ok?