inherit
423
0
Nov 16, 2020 2:16:09 GMT 8
1,517
Von
1,634
Oct 5, 2017 2:57:54 GMT 8
October 2017
von
NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
|
Post by Von on Jan 3, 2018 10:15:51 GMT 8
So I've started and deleted about a dozen or so threads over the past week; either being interrupted by someone walking in on me, or because I realize what I'm spilling out is emotional garbage and unnecessary. I've held myself back from posting more than the occasional "sunshine and rainbows", because I'm just. So ANGRY. Which if you know me, is not my normal state of being. I have a toggle switch for my emotional states: Happy or Depressed. Anger is rarely something I experience, and when I do, it's towards myself for not being good enough, or being stupid, which turns to depression. And I've been REALLY angry these past few days since before the holidays. Grade-A snappy "Leave me the fuck alone and sit on a cactus" BITCH. At least inside. Outside, I'm silent and withdrawn. I've plenty of things to be upset about: dysphoria, bf's lack of sensitivity towards it and constant comments that I should seek to keep my chest tissue intact for his own pleasure, holiday misnaming, my gaming bastion of peace disrupted by my bf making my GM and good friend CRY by being a jerk and refusing to own up to it... But it's the pills. I had my suspicions. I switched to a new medication before the holidays, which was touted as very well-tolerated by those, like me, who had treatment-resistant depression. So I got the lowest dose to try. A few days in, and my depression and anxiety went sky high, and suddenly every thing my bf did, even if it was previously endearing and sweet was annoying as FUCK. I stuck it out, because googling it, most people said "oh it gets worse before it gets better, just stay with it " But it never did, and it got progressively worse. I found myself today crying at my desk, pondering what the heck I was supposed to do - break up with my bf and lose everything but gain freedom to be myself? Keep up this charade? Go back in the closet and be who everyone wants me to be? Kill myself and rid myself of any choices at all, knowing nobody really likes the real me? Knowing my therapy is a few days off, and if I walk up to the ER, they'll just call my emergency contact (My BF, which makes for an awkward situation: oh hi, you're part of the cause of my mental breakdown, how are you) I call my prescribing doctor who is sadly on vacation. She called me back, however, through the answering service - and told me what I heard was bullshit - my symptoms were NOT supposed to get THAT BAD before helping. I probably should have called sooner. So I'm to toss those right out, and never use them again. She told me to get nice and toasty on some xanax and distract with my activity of choice. which was browsing tumblr while simultaneously playing iphone Animal Crossing until BF came home from work. Stayed that way till dinner, thought I was ok. Tried to open a jar of pasta sauce with these grippy silicone things his parents bought me for christmas. Couldn't do it. Even with help. I felt so helpless and useless. Instead of crying like I would normally do, I just started SCREAMING and throwing everything I could reach (not the jar thankfully) before BF stepped in and pinned my arms so I couldn't uselessly flail anymore. He gave me food, and we ate with some TV on in the background which I largely ignored about as much as I ignored the food due to the HATE coursing through me for myself. At how useless I am, what a failure of a human being I am. So that's where I am now. If I've made some errors, or come across unusual. I apologize with all my heart. I am not me. I'm told it will take some days for the medication to flush out completely. I don't have a backup anti-depressant. That was supposed to be the one to work, and it failed me utterly. I guess that's it. I'll still participate in the daily shenanigans that don't require too much emotional labor, and like your little victories with that shiny button. But I hardly trust myself to form a coherent sentence on anything just yet, when I feel like everything I do amounts to less than garbage. I love you all, and think of you fondly. I'm normally not the praying type, but I pray none of you have to go through anything like this if you haven't already. Best wishes, I am safe, V
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Jan 3, 2018 10:45:23 GMT 8
So I've started and deleted about a dozen or so threads over the past week; either being interrupted by someone walking in on me, or because I realize what I'm spilling out is emotional garbage and unnecessary. I've held myself back from posting more than the occasional "sunshine and rainbows", because I'm just. So ANGRY. Which if you know me, is not my normal state of being. I have a toggle switch for my emotional states: Happy or Depressed. Anger is rarely something I experience, and when I do, it's towards myself for not being good enough, or being stupid, which turns to depression. And I've been REALLY angry these past few days since before the holidays. Grade-A snappy "Leave me the fuck alone and sit on a cactus" BITCH. At least inside. Outside, I'm silent and withdrawn. I've plenty of things to be upset about: dysphoria, bf's lack of sensitivity towards it and constant comments that I should seek to keep my chest tissue intact for his own pleasure, holiday misnaming, my gaming bastion of peace disrupted by my bf making my GM and good friend CRY by being a jerk and refusing to own up to it... But it's the pills. I had my suspicions. I switched to a new medication before the holidays, which was touted as very well-tolerated by those, like me, who had treatment-resistant depression. So I got the lowest dose to try. A few days in, and my depression and anxiety went sky high, and suddenly every thing my bf did, even if it was previously endearing and sweet was annoying as FUCK. I stuck it out, because googling it, most people said "oh it gets worse before it gets better, just stay with it " But it never did, and it got progressively worse. I found myself today crying at my desk, pondering what the heck I was supposed to do - break up with my bf and lose everything but gain freedom to be myself? Keep up this charade? Go back in the closet and be who everyone wants me to be? Kill myself and rid myself of any choices at all, knowing nobody really likes the real me? Knowing my therapy is a few days off, and if I walk up to the ER, they'll just call my emergency contact (My BF, which makes for an awkward situation: oh hi, you're part of the cause of my mental breakdown, how are you) I call my prescribing doctor who is sadly on vacation. She called me back, however, through the answering service - and told me what I heard was bullshit - my symptoms were NOT supposed to get THAT BAD before helping. I probably should have called sooner. So I'm to toss those right out, and never use them again. She told me to get nice and toasty on some xanax and distract with my activity of choice. which was browsing tumblr while simultaneously playing iphone Animal Crossing until BF came home from work. Stayed that way till dinner, thought I was ok. Tried to open a jar of pasta sauce with these grippy silicone things his parents bought me for christmas. Couldn't do it. Even with help. I felt so helpless and useless. Instead of crying like I would normally do, I just started SCREAMING and throwing everything I could reach (not the jar thankfully) before BF stepped in and pinned my arms so I couldn't uselessly flail anymore. He gave me food, and we ate with some TV on in the background which I largely ignored about as much as I ignored the food due to the HATE coursing through me for myself. At how useless I am, what a failure of a human being I am. So that's where I am now. If I've made some errors, or come across unusual. I apologize with all my heart. I am not me. I'm told it will take some days for the medication to flush out completely. I don't have a backup anti-depressant. That was supposed to be the one to work, and it failed me utterly. I guess that's it. I'll still participate in the daily shenanigans that don't require too much emotional labor, and like your little victories with that shiny button. But I hardly trust myself to form a coherent sentence on anything just yet, when I feel like everything I do amounts to less than garbage. I love you all, and think of you fondly. I'm normally not the praying type, but I pray none of you have to go through anything like this if you haven't already. Best wishes, I am safe, V Don't isolate out or pull out on us. The forum has a long history of being there for folk that kinda pop. I popped long ago. burnt stuff to the ground. Vent it out. Music is good. Hang in there. Good news...you know its withdrawl. So do we. T.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Jan 3, 2018 10:46:10 GMT 8
Well that sure got fd up on the cell phone lol
|
|
inherit
217
0
Jan 22, 2024 13:25:05 GMT 8
2,316
Yuki
1,762
Aug 24, 2016 11:03:57 GMT 8
August 2016
violynne
Non-Binary
They/Their/Them
Pansexual
|
Post by Yuki on Jan 3, 2018 12:53:26 GMT 8
So I've started and deleted about a dozen or so threads over the past week; either being interrupted by someone walking in on me, or because I realize what I'm spilling out is emotional garbage and unnecessary. I've held myself back from posting more than the occasional "sunshine and rainbows", because I'm just. So ANGRY. Which if you know me, is not my normal state of being. I have a toggle switch for my emotional states: Happy or Depressed. Anger is rarely something I experience, and when I do, it's towards myself for not being good enough, or being stupid, which turns to depression. And I've been REALLY angry these past few days since before the holidays. Grade-A snappy "Leave me the fuck alone and sit on a cactus" BITCH. At least inside. Outside, I'm silent and withdrawn. I've plenty of things to be upset about: dysphoria, bf's lack of sensitivity towards it and constant comments that I should seek to keep my chest tissue intact for his own pleasure, holiday misnaming, my gaming bastion of peace disrupted by my bf making my GM and good friend CRY by being a jerk and refusing to own up to it... But it's the pills. I had my suspicions. I switched to a new medication before the holidays, which was touted as very well-tolerated by those, like me, who had treatment-resistant depression. So I got the lowest dose to try. A few days in, and my depression and anxiety went sky high, and suddenly every thing my bf did, even if it was previously endearing and sweet was annoying as FUCK. I stuck it out, because googling it, most people said "oh it gets worse before it gets better, just stay with it " But it never did, and it got progressively worse. I found myself today crying at my desk, pondering what the heck I was supposed to do - break up with my bf and lose everything but gain freedom to be myself? Keep up this charade? Go back in the closet and be who everyone wants me to be? Kill myself and rid myself of any choices at all, knowing nobody really likes the real me? Knowing my therapy is a few days off, and if I walk up to the ER, they'll just call my emergency contact (My BF, which makes for an awkward situation: oh hi, you're part of the cause of my mental breakdown, how are you) I call my prescribing doctor who is sadly on vacation. She called me back, however, through the answering service - and told me what I heard was bullshit - my symptoms were NOT supposed to get THAT BAD before helping. I probably should have called sooner. So I'm to toss those right out, and never use them again. She told me to get nice and toasty on some xanax and distract with my activity of choice. which was browsing tumblr while simultaneously playing iphone Animal Crossing until BF came home from work. Stayed that way till dinner, thought I was ok. Tried to open a jar of pasta sauce with these grippy silicone things his parents bought me for christmas. Couldn't do it. Even with help. I felt so helpless and useless. Instead of crying like I would normally do, I just started SCREAMING and throwing everything I could reach (not the jar thankfully) before BF stepped in and pinned my arms so I couldn't uselessly flail anymore. He gave me food, and we ate with some TV on in the background which I largely ignored about as much as I ignored the food due to the HATE coursing through me for myself. At how useless I am, what a failure of a human being I am. So that's where I am now. If I've made some errors, or come across unusual. I apologize with all my heart. I am not me. I'm told it will take some days for the medication to flush out completely. I don't have a backup anti-depressant. That was supposed to be the one to work, and it failed me utterly. I guess that's it. I'll still participate in the daily shenanigans that don't require too much emotional labor, and like your little victories with that shiny button. But I hardly trust myself to form a coherent sentence on anything just yet, when I feel like everything I do amounts to less than garbage. I love you all, and think of you fondly. I'm normally not the praying type, but I pray none of you have to go through anything like this if you haven't already. Best wishes, I am safe, V Like Trinity said, keep posting. We all tend to post a bunch of emotional crap when we need to vent. We understand the need to do that. I like seeing updates from you to see how you're doing. You remind me a lot of myself.
|
|
inherit
jasonmitchellemail@gmail.com
1
0
1
Dec 31, 2023 12:41:47 GMT 8
3,521
EchelonHunt
Avatar by @hitsukuya
3,193
Nov 17, 2014 22:05:35 GMT 8
November 2014
admin
|
Post by EchelonHunt on Jan 3, 2018 23:01:30 GMT 8
Oh, Von. I wish I could give you a big hug, but this one will have to do. I completely understand what you're going through. I went through the anti-depressant shtick and it was living hell. I was suicidal prior to being prescribed them, and while I was on them, I was just getting increasingly suicidal and being told to "wait it out". I had homicidal tendencies when there weren't any before and it was just fucked up. It was Zoloft and fuck that shit to hell. A few years later, I watched a comedy show and there was a nurse in the OR who was talking to other nurses and he said he was on Zoloft and it turned him into a serial killer (or some witty one-liner shit like that) it hit a bit too close to home, I laughed at the time, then it sunk in and I was like "Oh god, that could've been me." I know this is hard to believe and it's become a cliche at this point but it will get better. We're here for you and post away, your thoughts and feelings aren't garbage or unnecessary. Your thoughts and feelings are valid, no matter how messed up they can be. Deny yourself that and it will just be compounding your issues even further.
|
|
inherit
423
0
Nov 16, 2020 2:16:09 GMT 8
1,517
Von
1,634
Oct 5, 2017 2:57:54 GMT 8
October 2017
von
NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
|
Post by Von on Jan 4, 2018 2:38:47 GMT 8
It's extremely validating to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks for the supports. Today is a better day, since that hot trash fire isn't floating around my system as strongly. It's just the usual brand of "oh ffs WHY do I have to get out of bed and DO THINGS"
Last night was hard. I thought I was doing better. Failing to open a pasta sauce jar (even with grippy assistive tools!) sent me into a scream-crying rage where everything in reach was thrown or hit until BF pinned me gently. The rationale at the time was 'I can't even do one normal thing without help from someone else. Definition of useless. why do i even exist, i contribute nothing'
But at least today, I haven't cried. I've wanted to. But I haven't yet. Distracting with Animal Crossing. Surprisingly good time sink. I like to think the animals love me, at least.
|
|
inherit
423
0
Nov 16, 2020 2:16:09 GMT 8
1,517
Von
1,634
Oct 5, 2017 2:57:54 GMT 8
October 2017
von
NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
|
Post by Von on Jan 30, 2018 4:04:03 GMT 8
Still no progress. And now my therapist is giving me pearls of wisdom such as "just pretend to be happy" Doesn't work that way, chief. At least not for me.
I'm not here a lot, so sorry if I'm missing anything important. I just can't help anyone, let alone myself now...
I may be MIA for a while. I just don't get out of bed for anything unless I have to anymore.
|
|
inherit
131
0
1
May 16, 2024 7:57:51 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,583
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
|
Post by Trinity on Jan 30, 2018 4:11:39 GMT 8
Still no progress. And now my therapist is giving me pearls of wisdom such as "just pretend to be happy" Doesn't work that way, chief. At least not for me. I'm not here a lot, so sorry if I'm missing anything important. I just can't help anyone, let alone myself now... I may be MIA for a while. I just don't get out of bed for anything unless I have to anymore. Are you safe?
|
|
inherit
51
0
Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
1,707
Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
|
Post by Leena on Jan 30, 2018 7:01:54 GMT 8
Still no progress. And now my therapist is giving me pearls of wisdom such as "just pretend to be happy" Doesn't work that way, chief. At least not for me. I'm not here a lot, so sorry if I'm missing anything important. I just can't help anyone, let alone myself now... I may be MIA for a while. I just don't get out of bed for anything unless I have to anymore. Staying in bed really doesn't help anything, if anything it makes things worse. I've done it myself quite a lot, and unfortunately still have a tendency to do this. Doing things may just be a distraction, but distractions are often a good thing.
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 18, 2024 9:37:08 GMT 8
4,666
Ativan Prescribed
8,479
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 30, 2018 12:34:59 GMT 8
That's true, things usually don't come to you and if they do you have to be there to have them. I'd be thinking about another therapist if she thinks happy thoughts will work. Happy feet help people dance?... I force myself to get moving a lot of times, and there are days I don't really get out of bed. But I need to look for the things that are the reminders of better moods, times, anything positive that's even sorta real. Every so often I catch a glimpse of how it was when I didn't feel depressed. I hang on to those, make them last as long as I can to try and find the or reason they just happened. And they do a surprising amount of the time, but I look for them, I get pissed at myself if nothing happens, it's down to being my fault. But those glimmers of just suddenly feeling happy for no reason are what keeps me going. If they are real and I have no doubt that they aren't, then it's just the direction I have to go in, in search of anything that lifts the depression and stops it. I pay a lot of attention to how I'm thinking, not so much what I'm thinking, it seems to be the way these happy feet moments just pop up. It isn't like I go out of my way to find the moments, it really doesn't matter what the plan is, they just happen. A vacation or something on that order does nothing really, I know it's a temporary thing because once it's getting close to over It flips hard in the down direction. Maybe that's what your therapist is trying to get at, although that's the dumbest way to put it, she could mean to set yourself up to be able to see the moments when they happen. I can get better so long as they keep coming and when they don't I know I'm in trouble again and double down of everything to stay sane. It doesn't take much to stay sane, but I've had my moments, 3 month tours of the psyche units. The moments start to add up if you can keep them coming, they can lead to having better days instead of progressively worse ones. Hiding from it all to me makes me feel like I'm giving in to it, that I'm giving up and I've had my reasons to. But once past those and a lot of searching, what I have to do is pay attention and be aware that those moments of clarity happen.
|
|
inherit
423
0
Nov 16, 2020 2:16:09 GMT 8
1,517
Von
1,634
Oct 5, 2017 2:57:54 GMT 8
October 2017
von
NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
|
Post by Von on Feb 2, 2018 23:22:53 GMT 8
No worries just yet. Sorry for that. I'm trying some advice my therapist gave me: even if it's small, make a tiny bit of the day better. The other day, that looked like having a cup of raspberry tea while re-starting my pen & paper To-DO list. I love pens, any excuse to use them, the better. Then from there I picked up a video game I haven't played in a while. The day was better, in small moments. Not perfect, but it brought my mood to a manageable level. Things may be picking up - at least my daytime hours aren't as awful as before. The night is what gets me, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's seasonal. I need more outlets so I can replug in my sun replacement lamp... Though I've noticed it's not pitch dark when I come downstairs anymore, so Spring is slooooooowly coming. I've been having weekly check-ups with my prescribing doctor, cause she's close to stumped on what could possibly work for me and *stick* this time. She took out some stuff, and added something new in, to clear the deck so to speak... I *should* be seeing her again today to talk progress, but my ride may be sick. Hopefully she'll take a phone conference instead if that's the case. I'm gonna try to do at least one thing I enjoyed previously a day, and see if I can't get it back. Today I'm psyching myself up for more D&D stuff. Invited to a 5th ed game that doesn't end until 2AM. Hooboy. Hopefully the nighttime blues won't show up. Today I'm also prepping another character for use in a Pathfinder game I just got in the mail. I wasn't previously able to think of any ideas, feeling very non creative and boring. But over dinner with the BF last night, we hashed out some fun ideas. So I'm not 100%. I just get flashes of normalcy (for me anyway) and slip back into a puddle of despair at night for no discernible reason. But I'm gonna try to be back here more. My social life has suffered too much already. But if I do take breaks, I'll try and catch up at least once a week. Thanks for the love and support. I appreciate you all.
|
|