Suicidality - getting nervous here

[Trinity]

I am getting worried about the suicidality levels of several members here.

A year or two ago, I thought we had lost my closest friend to it.  The pain I experienced over that was unspeakable.  Fortunately, they are still here, very much so.  And out of danger as well, if they were really in it.

But I see several posts lately and am alarmed.  I have lost several acquaintences to suicide in the past couple of years.   The ultimate trans nightmare.

How can we help?

Reach out if you need to, there are several survivors here on the board.  I personally have not walked this road, but have been fortunate enough to have been around when someone decided to back away from the worst case scenario.

Its part of why the board exists, frankly.  To save lives.  Actually, its a huge part, to save lives, better our lives.

Reach out, my dear ones, and lets talk about living.

I am worried.  I have lost too many loved ones, seen way too much death, usually alcohol and drugs.   Outlast the bullshit, and talk to us.

Lets make sure we all survive the holidays here.  This is family, losses are unacceptable.

We are family.  Newbies and oldtimers alike, its all family.   

[Avery]

I've been worried too, but haven't been able to find the words or strength to make a post like this one. The feelings are too complicated. So thank you Trinity for starting the conversation here.

I'm a survivor of my own self hate. Been to the brink and back and even though I've found myself edging out again a few times since, never so far. I wish I could say I survived because I chose to survive, because I changed my mind, because I wanted to live, but I didn't. I was just too scared to die. And I guess that's the most hopeful part. I didn't have to have that moment in the movies. I just trudged along and eventually the edges of the hole in my heart stopped burning so much. And I'm still here.

Sh'e's right. It's the ultimate nightmare and I refuse to lose any of you. I have so much love for the people on this forum.

It's hard and messy and complicated, this topic. My words get mixed up and my sentences don't make sense and I can't say or type the "s" word but I'm here to talk and love and support in my own muddled way.

Because Trinity's right. We are family.

[Trinity]

They just dissapear, most times. You look, they arent there. Sometimes they warn, claw back. Many times they just go silent.

How many times did I get to the brink of cracking up during early transition? The old timers remember. Part of how this place was born, part of the history. But that was folk pushing nonbinaries over the edge. Thats over now.

But there are a number of missing faces and we will never know what happened.

There was a trans woman on this forum named Temmie. Her profile is still here. She joined, never shared.

Temmie's dead. She suicided early this year.

She never reached out, never told us. Just had her ffs, not sure about the bottom.

I believe at least 4 of us here have seriously attempted it. I have not. But i've been to bottoms before.

Especially in these times of being demonized by pussy grabbing bigots who say we are evil perverts while they pervert all that is right and compassionate, and now with the holidays it historically gets real bad.

So we bind together.

We watch each others backs.

We pay attention to the warning signs, withdrawl being the first.

Some are on an emotional roller coaster, other chronic depressed, others in dire conditions but surviving on love they recieve.

Now is the time to show the love and the caring. Go that extra step.

Lets all agree to stay alive. No matter what. Because it can always change, and it does.

You have to know we care. That you are not alone. That you are loved in this place.

I have seen so many lives saved by love.

So tell someone you care, and ask for a hug here if you need it.

We arent perfect, but we will try. Itsxa tight group, but all are embraced.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I've been to the edge, over it and letting go, only to end up on a little cliff below, and I couldn't let go of that one.
Long haul to get back, done it more than a couple times, it's too easy for me, I don't know how it is for others, but when the decision is made, I make the choice, sometimes the wrong one. Couldn't seem to get it done, others interfered to much and wouldn't let me go.
I have stood next to death to many times, looked at too many people dead in horrendous ways, the shit I've done is too much to even explain...
So it's a touchy thing for me, but I do know my way around in it and can pretty much tell how it's going to go down, so intervention.
Every time I came back a little bit better, and then they screwed up my head so bad I had to start over on a lot of things, things forgotten.
But if I know one good thing, it's that there are always people who care and don't want anyone to get to that point of wanting to die, that's the hard part.
Killing yourself is easy, they ask me if I have plans and I laugh and tell them multiple ones, I just don't have intentions, the real question they should ask.
So the dyeing part isn't of much interest, it's the how did you get to the point of you only intention is to check out?
Helping someone off the edge is not about stopping them, it's about finding out why they think they need to be there, they might not know and that's very key, there is usually something blocking the reasons to live, the hard thing to do but we are geared to doing it.
You want to kill yourself? Have you really thought this out, figured out what it is going to take to not leave a mess behind?
And it always does, people feel like they failed you, not that you're a failure, but they are becausew they let you.
There is always someone to help you through anything that gets you to that point, it never has to be, there is always help.
It might not be what you want, but suicide isn't either, so there has to be some negotiation in the entire thing and if you are at the end, then you aren't thinking right, it's an emotional response and emotions change, they never stay the same for long, but they can hurt you, but they shouldn't push you into a blind corner that you can't see out of, there is always someone who can point in the direction you need to take, let you see there is an alternative.
But you have to ask, you have to find that in the corner you're in, look, ask, turn around, do whatever it takes and you'll find the way.
There is always a way, you're supposed to be here and people expect you to be, so talk to those people who do care, and there are a lot of people you don't even know who care.
Last resort,.. just call the police and tell them you're falling off the edge and need their help. they will, they know how to find what you're going to need, and that's a lot of people you didn't even know cared about you that it's their lifes work, there is always a way, you have to look, you have to ask, you have to turn around and make the bigger leap and that's into the arms of the people who care, there is always a way.

[Trinity]

And trust that you are worth it, even if your feelings say otherwise. You have to trust us on that one. You can convince yourself you are not, but its a lie, you are.

You never know the effect you have on others lives.

Trust that. Everyone is needed, and especially now, each one of us is indespensible. Its how we survive.

We are some of the strongest people on earth, the most loving, the most hurt.

We are the diamond hearts of trans. The warriors lighting candles in the dark.

Every. Single. One. Of. Us.

Big hugs.

[Von]

You probably didn't have me in mind when writing this topic, but I feel compelled to reply.
I'm in a near constant state of suicidal contemplation.  A hazy daydream of "Oh...None of this would be an issue if...  Things would be easier on everybody if... "  My therapist knows, and it's been this way since I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in my tweens.  As long as I don't upgrade to planning or self-harming, I'm okay.  And I tell her I never could have a plan, because I'm the unluckiest person I know.  I'd find a way to fail at dying, too.  So I don't even try.  Life would become even harder if someone had to save me from myself.  Nobody would like or trust me anymore after that, either.

It's probably not a well-kept secret that I have a basket of mental health concerns.  Depression.  Social Anxiety/Agoraphobia/Panic.  C-PTSD from abuse.
I barely cope.  I have little to no self esteem.  I'm missing a lot of life skills.  I'm dependent on others for so much.  On disability because my shitty brain won't let me work.

Shit ain't great right now.  I can expand more later in a diary, but identity + relationship = choppy waters.
But I know I can always vent here, or with my therapist.  It's just hard when you need something immediately, for that sudden pain... and you can't just pop over to see a friend or something like that because it's not an option for me.

If I withdraw, it's because I fear I talk too much, and make an ass of myself.  I fear rejection, so SO much.
But I'm probably safe.  Just moping or sleeping.

In any case.  I don't plan on leaving you.  Unless you want me to.
But this place has helped me a lot, knowing I have some elders to look to for advice, and peers who are in the same boat.
I'd like to think it's helped me feel less alone.
So... thank you.

[Trinity]

There is nothing wrong with opening up and nobody here is talking too much.

I am so glad people are talking about it.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I'm very much in the same boat as Von, been doing this for a long time as well.
But there are certain things you can do, and the easy ones are to not depend on others to get you through, a temp help is just that.
It gets better if you let it, if you have expectations of it being bad, might be bad, could be bad, you're gonna only see the bad because that's what you're looking for, flip it, stop looking at the world as a negative place, it is if you want it to be.
It isn't easy to be optimistic and for me that only gets part way there, but it's better than nothing, and it isn't any harder than expecting only the bad.
You realize that you have to work at keeping the state of mind that tells you it's going to be bad to worse?
It's the same thing to getting a state of mind that says it might be good to better, and if it's only part way there, it's still better than just the bad.
I didn't up my antidepressant this winter, I usually do, it seems the short days do screw with me.
So it's an experiment in seeing how long I can go and if I can make it to spring, a challenge to myself, and that's key, you have to challenge yourself to keep the disorders to a minimum, doesn't mean you have to get to a point, it's just the thought that counts here, it takes you a long ways sometimes.
But every little thing you do is going to add up, doom and gloom? It adds up. whatever the opposite of that is also going to add up, it's a choice to make.
I've been through all the therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, group therapy, one on one, over there and over farther over there, it all points to the same thing, if you can't accept that the easiest thing to help is to actively change how you see things, it's the start of anything that is going to work.
The ideas of suicide aren't in the plans, it's in the intentions. You might not plan to just walk in front of a truck, no plan and yet some seem to do just that, they see an opportunity when they are getting their intentions going, and have stayed away from plans, I have all kinds of plans, good ones, I've done my research, and that research all come down to the plan isn't important, it's letting yourself accept the intention, gonna do it, and if an opportunity comes along,intention gets you there.
So making plans is actually not bad, it lets you contemplate how it is going to go down, and that gives you space to think it all out, a lot of people make plans and won't say they have, like it's a mark against you, but everyone has one, ask people how they would off themselves if they had to and everyone has some sort of plan, but the thing in that is if they have to and nobody ever has to, it might be tough sledding, but there are people who care and the people who would blow you off because of it?
Blow them off right now, they are a part of the problem, the negative people, the people who care so little they would brush you off to the side, get rid of them, tell them to go away and find someone else who indulges in self concern to the point that's all they have, go see trump.
This is an easy thing to talk about, and if you find it hard, then start, because it gets easy to do, and once you do talk, it seems to get better, the feeling that suicide might be best melts away, been there done that, it's how it works, what the basis of talk therapy is about, talk about it.
It's an open thread and the talk can be centered here, it doesn't need to be kept in the shadows, it's a taboo subject for those who dwell on it, they think it's tempting them when the only temptation is to stay silent.

[Yuki]

I'm similar to Von, too. I mean, the only reason I never did it was because I figured I'd fail and then life would be worse if I survived it.

Now, it's different.

Now I won't because of what it would do to my husband if I did. He thinks he needs me and... maybe he's right, I don't know. But I don't want to hurt him.

Yeah, sometimes I think it would be easier. Sometimes I feel like my life is too hard and it likes to throw more obstacles my way than I can handle. But I'm still here. And I'm glad I am. There's a lot of good that I would have missed out on, if I wasn't.

So I try to force myself to focus on the good as much as possible. Mental health problems get in the way of that, sometimes... but I'm pretty sure I'm safe.

I've been through a lot of crap... pretty much like everyone else on here has. I'm still alive so I'm probably not going anywhere any time soon.

Although I do get anxious to say things like that. Like now I just jinxed myself and something bad is going to happen to test what I just said. Lol.

[Valerie]

I choose life... for now. I think...

[Alex]

For me, I am SERIOUSLY neurodivergent. I have Epilepsy, Asperger's Syndrome, Depression, Anxiety, C-PTSD from years of bullying (half regular, half toxic friendships), OCD, and social anxiety.

Majority of these aren't even diagnosed.

For me, I've been suicidal for 2-3 years of my life and I cut for about half a year. Now I don't really want to die, but that's mainly because I don't have the energy to obsess over dying anymore. Same for cutting; even when I started it took SO much energy to get the thing and make the incision. It's almost impossible for me to compulsively do things anymore because I don't have the energy to have them.

[Jennifer (Tink)]

I've been close a few times recently. One of those times was today. I'm past it for the moment but I need to be conscious of the fact that I am still near the edge.

Too many negative emotions flooding through today.

Reaching out is always helpful. Sometimes people just need to hear that someone cares about them. That's helped me in the past.