Post by ThePhoenix on Mar 21, 2015 7:53:15 GMT 8
***TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, homelessness, substance abuse, abandonment, maybe others***
I think this site is becoming my favorite for when I need to vent something or otherwise seek support.
When I was in junior high school, I met a boy. We got to be friends and we goofed off and hung out together. He told me that he wanted to kill himself. He told me about how he planned to use his father's gun. He told me about where it was kept. He told me about where the ammo was kept. He told me he definitely intended to do it. I reported it. His father made him see a therapist. He reamed me out pretty thoroughly and then never spoke to me again. He hated me until he moved away. After he reamed me out, he never spoke to me again. I hated that, but I was okay with it. After all, he had to still be alive to hate me. But I learned that sometimes when you save a person's life, they will hate you for doing it.
I've had to deal with that several times sense. The most recent one is going on right now. I was contacted to help a couple in D.C., one person trans* and the other cis. The trans* spouse had lost her job. As a result, the loss of their home was imminent and they needed a place to live temporarily until they could go up to a brother in Michigan who agreed to keep them and was about to move into a place that had room for them. I found a couple of Maryland Trans*Unity volunteers who were willing to take them into their home.
The trans* half of the couple fell and hit her head. She was injured and taken to the emergency room where emergency brain surgery was performed. The cis half of the couple was admitted for psychiatric reasons at about the same time. My two volunteers did not back away from taking them in.
I went down in person and helped with the move. I personally helped load their things into a cargo van rented by my two volunteers. Then I followed the couple up to the home in Maryland, bringing the two people with me. I followed up with them to see how things were going. I heard of no problems.
Until Monday, there was no sign of problems. On Monday, I heard from the two volunteers that the trans* half of the couple was falling, proving unable to get up without assistance, and showing other problems, but not willing to admit any difficulties existed. The trans* half also was stating her intention to stay indefinitely in these volunteers' home. And the cisgender spouse was also having similar problems with dizziness, falling, and being unable to walk. I took this seriously. I reached out to another Trans*Unity volunteer who is a retired nurse with about 40 years of experience. We arranged to meet at the home the couple was staying in the following day to talk about the situation and make a plan for keeping everyone safe. I also reached out to the local respite center, the D.C. LGBT community center, and other resources for advice and assistance. I was repeatedly told that assistance was available, but it was only accessible through the hospital.
The nurse and I went to the home. In light of the nurse's experience, I asked her to lead the meeting. We discussed the concerns. We learned that the brother was unreliable, so it was unlikely that he would take them in. We learned that the trans* spouse has three months of follow ups and was unlikely to be able to go to Michigan as planned. We expressed that their condition was making it problematic for them to stay where they were because the couple could not provide care they obviously needed. We developed a plan to continue monitoring them, contact physicians who had treated them about the difficulties they were having, and get them connected to the hospital social workers to help find an assisted care arrangement that could provide the needed support.
The next day, I got a phone call from the two hosts before I could do any of what was planned. They reported that the couple's condition had gotten worse. In particular, the trans* half was having troubles getting dressed. I was expressly asked to take the two of them to the hospital, but told it was not yet a 911 situation.
I got the nurse with me, got out there and found the trans* half of the couple sitting in the kitchen area of the I law suite where they were staying. Her skirt was down and unbottoned. She stood up and managed to get it buttoned with a bit of difficulty. She tried to put on her coat, but failed. I had to help her make several attempts, but she seemed unable to straighten one of her arms to get it through the sleeve. Finally, we got the coat on with the help of the nurse, who had done this before while caring for patients. We got out to the car and the trans* person could not fasten the seatbelt, so I did that for her.
We drove straight to the hospital where they had been seen before for the brain surgery and the psychiatric admission. We got them into the ER with the assistance of two wheelchairs provided by the hospital. They triaged the trans* person and took her immediately back to the ER treatment area. The labtech took blood samples, and asked me to help the trans* person give a urine sample. I hesitated to do that (it seemed more appropriate for the hospital to do that rather than me with someone I hardly know), but I was willing to help her at least get into the restroom to do it. So when I helped her in, the labtech closed the door on us and I ended up helping with the urine sample anyway. I stayed with the trans* person while the nurse stayed with the cis spouse. I periodically came out and reported to the two of them about what was going on. I received reports from them that verified the difficulties the spouse was having with walking, falling, being unable to use the restroom herself. I also ran errands for the group like going to the cafeteria for food. That was mainly because I am in my 30s, so I was the youngest one of the group, and the least infirm. So it was easiest for me to do it. Although I was in the early stages of getting sick myself throughout the 12+ hours the nurse and I spent in the ER.
The nurse bumped into the ER doctor who was treating the trans* patient. She mentioned the spouses situation and the doctor was concerned by both her physical and emotional situation. The doctor told the nurse that we should check in the spouse as well. The spouse agreed to that. And as we were learning more and more, we were learning more and more about how seriously impaired she was. For example, she could not wash her hair.
We finally got the spouse checked in as well. After a ten minute delay in a nursing coming to help her go to the restroom, she ended up taking paper towels, dropping her pants, and peeing on the ER bed. The nurse came in as she was doing that and took her, walking, to the restroom. The nurse brought her back in a wheelchair and told us she had been surprised by practically having to carry the spouse to the emergency room. The doctor ordered at least ten different tests on the spouse including a CT scan because "we need to see what's going on in your head." The doctor also said she understood that social services would need to get her into a better living arrangement because she was homeless. She said that would be no problem.
We checked with the doctor and the nurse to make sure they needed nothing more from us. They both thanked us for bringing the couple in and said they did not. The nurse stopped us and spoke to us a bit in the hallway. She asked us for more details about the situation that the spouse had been unable to provide herself. She thanked us again for bringing her in. We left. Total time for the nurse and I in the hospital: somewhere above 12 hours.
In the morning, I woke up VERY sick, having continued to go downhill overnight. I got a call from the hospital informing me that they thought nothing was wrong with the spouse, but they were keeping the trans* person. They asked me to pick up the spouseh. I told them I had nowhere to take her, and I was sick to boot, so I needed them to connect her with social services. The social worker said "we don't d that in the emergency room" and told me that I could not just dump people there and I should have taken her to a homeless shelter. She said that she would just discharge them to a homeless shelter and she would have to call one and get back to me.
After a few hours I got another call from the social worker wanting me to pick up the spouse. I pointed out again that I was sick and shouldn't be driving anyone anywhere. The social worker called me a liar. I also pointed out that I had done everything I could for them and was not able to do anything more, was not willing to dump either of them at a homeless shelter, and needed the hospital to do as they had promised the following evening. In response, the social worker insisted that since I drove them to the hospital, I had to pick them up too. I informed her that I am a D.C. Licensed lawyer, so I am perfectly aware that I "have to do" nothing and insisted on her helping the spouse. She asked me what I thought would happen if I dumped them at Bank of America. I informed her that the hospital is not Bank of America and is an appropriate place to take an injured or sick person. She threatened to "report this." I told her that I was happy to discuss options, give her what names I could for her to reach out to, and provide information, but if she was going to threaten me, I was going to hang up. She said she wasn't threatening me. I suggested some other people she could call. That was the end of it.
Then I received a call from the D.C. LGBT center to whom I had been reaching out for help since Monday. The executive director informed me that it is "not cool" to just "dump" people at the hospital. I pointed out that he has known me for a while and we have worked together. I asked him if he seriously thought I'd do a thing like that. He said he would keep his feelings about the matter to himself, but that if he had known how seriously in need the couple were and how "unstable" the housing arrangement was, he would never have wanted the couple to come to Maryland. I said I was sure we could both agree that sometimes it would be nice to know about things ahead of time that you only find out about later. He told me that it was "inhumane" to leave the couple without clothing. I informed him that actually there had been a plan to bring down a bag of things and that typically hospitals provide clothing while you are in their care. The issue here was the hospital trying to wash their hands of the spouse.
We made some plans to coordinate getting things back to the couple and getting them some viable shelter. Then I heard from a friend of the couples to whom I had been reaching out for two days without success. He claimed I had never told him or anyone else about there being any problems and that he was of a mind to report me to every authority he could think of and then some. I responded that I was getting tired of being called names, but I understood that the situation was upsetting. I pointed out that I had reached out to the LGBT Center, among other places, on the first day that I knew about any issues existing and that I had been trying to reach him for two days but he did not respond. He responded me by telling me I was dishonest and I had not tried to contact him before that day (yesterday). I sent him a screenshot of our facebook exchange when I was trying to reach him the following day and had gotten nothing more than a "thanks, please give me a call when you can." After I heard from him further, I informed him I was blocking his emails. He circumvented the filter I setup to threaten to seek a restraining order if I didn't stop contacting him, bizarrely enough. I contacted a police officer I know in D.C. to ask for a suggestion on what to do to end the harassment and threats short of seeking a restraining order.
As this has all been going on, I've been protecting my volunteers. For example, I obviously do not control whether or not they can return to that home. That is up to the people who own it. But I am taking the heat for it. I am taking the heat forth advice of my 40 year nurse whose guidance I almost always follow in these matters for obvious reasons. And once the situation calms down, there will be an unpleasant letter written to the hospital administrator and/or the hopital's regulator.
So here's the question. Where did I screw up? What should I be learning from this?
The main critique coming my way seems to be that I did not pack a bag for them. But I had two people who couldn't even walk. I was getting them to the hospital because they had an obvious urgent need. Should I seriously have waited for them to pack some luggage?
There are claims that I never told them that they could not go back to the house. Not true. The nurse and I spent several hours discussing the need to find another housing situation for them. But you have a person with a brain injury and another with psych problems, you might question their veracity when recounting events.
I've been told that I took two people who didn't need to be in the hospital down and dumped them. But one of those people was taken in for emergency surgery and is currently in the intensive care unit. The hospital did decide not to admit the other one, but the same people who say that she did not need to be there also admit that the hospital did not decide that until they did an awful lot of test, including that CT of the person's brain. They didn't do that without some sign of there being something that needed investigating.
it seems to me that the only lessons are:
(1) At Maryland Trans*Unity, we have some awesome volunteers.
(2) People don't like to pitch in and help, but they sure do like to yell and scream at those who do.
(3) Don't take anymore requests for crisis assistance from the D.C. LGBT center and make them the last place I turn for aid.
(4) No good deed goes unpunished.
I think this site is becoming my favorite for when I need to vent something or otherwise seek support.
When I was in junior high school, I met a boy. We got to be friends and we goofed off and hung out together. He told me that he wanted to kill himself. He told me about how he planned to use his father's gun. He told me about where it was kept. He told me about where the ammo was kept. He told me he definitely intended to do it. I reported it. His father made him see a therapist. He reamed me out pretty thoroughly and then never spoke to me again. He hated me until he moved away. After he reamed me out, he never spoke to me again. I hated that, but I was okay with it. After all, he had to still be alive to hate me. But I learned that sometimes when you save a person's life, they will hate you for doing it.
I've had to deal with that several times sense. The most recent one is going on right now. I was contacted to help a couple in D.C., one person trans* and the other cis. The trans* spouse had lost her job. As a result, the loss of their home was imminent and they needed a place to live temporarily until they could go up to a brother in Michigan who agreed to keep them and was about to move into a place that had room for them. I found a couple of Maryland Trans*Unity volunteers who were willing to take them into their home.
The trans* half of the couple fell and hit her head. She was injured and taken to the emergency room where emergency brain surgery was performed. The cis half of the couple was admitted for psychiatric reasons at about the same time. My two volunteers did not back away from taking them in.
I went down in person and helped with the move. I personally helped load their things into a cargo van rented by my two volunteers. Then I followed the couple up to the home in Maryland, bringing the two people with me. I followed up with them to see how things were going. I heard of no problems.
Until Monday, there was no sign of problems. On Monday, I heard from the two volunteers that the trans* half of the couple was falling, proving unable to get up without assistance, and showing other problems, but not willing to admit any difficulties existed. The trans* half also was stating her intention to stay indefinitely in these volunteers' home. And the cisgender spouse was also having similar problems with dizziness, falling, and being unable to walk. I took this seriously. I reached out to another Trans*Unity volunteer who is a retired nurse with about 40 years of experience. We arranged to meet at the home the couple was staying in the following day to talk about the situation and make a plan for keeping everyone safe. I also reached out to the local respite center, the D.C. LGBT community center, and other resources for advice and assistance. I was repeatedly told that assistance was available, but it was only accessible through the hospital.
The nurse and I went to the home. In light of the nurse's experience, I asked her to lead the meeting. We discussed the concerns. We learned that the brother was unreliable, so it was unlikely that he would take them in. We learned that the trans* spouse has three months of follow ups and was unlikely to be able to go to Michigan as planned. We expressed that their condition was making it problematic for them to stay where they were because the couple could not provide care they obviously needed. We developed a plan to continue monitoring them, contact physicians who had treated them about the difficulties they were having, and get them connected to the hospital social workers to help find an assisted care arrangement that could provide the needed support.
The next day, I got a phone call from the two hosts before I could do any of what was planned. They reported that the couple's condition had gotten worse. In particular, the trans* half was having troubles getting dressed. I was expressly asked to take the two of them to the hospital, but told it was not yet a 911 situation.
I got the nurse with me, got out there and found the trans* half of the couple sitting in the kitchen area of the I law suite where they were staying. Her skirt was down and unbottoned. She stood up and managed to get it buttoned with a bit of difficulty. She tried to put on her coat, but failed. I had to help her make several attempts, but she seemed unable to straighten one of her arms to get it through the sleeve. Finally, we got the coat on with the help of the nurse, who had done this before while caring for patients. We got out to the car and the trans* person could not fasten the seatbelt, so I did that for her.
We drove straight to the hospital where they had been seen before for the brain surgery and the psychiatric admission. We got them into the ER with the assistance of two wheelchairs provided by the hospital. They triaged the trans* person and took her immediately back to the ER treatment area. The labtech took blood samples, and asked me to help the trans* person give a urine sample. I hesitated to do that (it seemed more appropriate for the hospital to do that rather than me with someone I hardly know), but I was willing to help her at least get into the restroom to do it. So when I helped her in, the labtech closed the door on us and I ended up helping with the urine sample anyway. I stayed with the trans* person while the nurse stayed with the cis spouse. I periodically came out and reported to the two of them about what was going on. I received reports from them that verified the difficulties the spouse was having with walking, falling, being unable to use the restroom herself. I also ran errands for the group like going to the cafeteria for food. That was mainly because I am in my 30s, so I was the youngest one of the group, and the least infirm. So it was easiest for me to do it. Although I was in the early stages of getting sick myself throughout the 12+ hours the nurse and I spent in the ER.
The nurse bumped into the ER doctor who was treating the trans* patient. She mentioned the spouses situation and the doctor was concerned by both her physical and emotional situation. The doctor told the nurse that we should check in the spouse as well. The spouse agreed to that. And as we were learning more and more, we were learning more and more about how seriously impaired she was. For example, she could not wash her hair.
We finally got the spouse checked in as well. After a ten minute delay in a nursing coming to help her go to the restroom, she ended up taking paper towels, dropping her pants, and peeing on the ER bed. The nurse came in as she was doing that and took her, walking, to the restroom. The nurse brought her back in a wheelchair and told us she had been surprised by practically having to carry the spouse to the emergency room. The doctor ordered at least ten different tests on the spouse including a CT scan because "we need to see what's going on in your head." The doctor also said she understood that social services would need to get her into a better living arrangement because she was homeless. She said that would be no problem.
We checked with the doctor and the nurse to make sure they needed nothing more from us. They both thanked us for bringing the couple in and said they did not. The nurse stopped us and spoke to us a bit in the hallway. She asked us for more details about the situation that the spouse had been unable to provide herself. She thanked us again for bringing her in. We left. Total time for the nurse and I in the hospital: somewhere above 12 hours.
In the morning, I woke up VERY sick, having continued to go downhill overnight. I got a call from the hospital informing me that they thought nothing was wrong with the spouse, but they were keeping the trans* person. They asked me to pick up the spouseh. I told them I had nowhere to take her, and I was sick to boot, so I needed them to connect her with social services. The social worker said "we don't d that in the emergency room" and told me that I could not just dump people there and I should have taken her to a homeless shelter. She said that she would just discharge them to a homeless shelter and she would have to call one and get back to me.
After a few hours I got another call from the social worker wanting me to pick up the spouse. I pointed out again that I was sick and shouldn't be driving anyone anywhere. The social worker called me a liar. I also pointed out that I had done everything I could for them and was not able to do anything more, was not willing to dump either of them at a homeless shelter, and needed the hospital to do as they had promised the following evening. In response, the social worker insisted that since I drove them to the hospital, I had to pick them up too. I informed her that I am a D.C. Licensed lawyer, so I am perfectly aware that I "have to do" nothing and insisted on her helping the spouse. She asked me what I thought would happen if I dumped them at Bank of America. I informed her that the hospital is not Bank of America and is an appropriate place to take an injured or sick person. She threatened to "report this." I told her that I was happy to discuss options, give her what names I could for her to reach out to, and provide information, but if she was going to threaten me, I was going to hang up. She said she wasn't threatening me. I suggested some other people she could call. That was the end of it.
Then I received a call from the D.C. LGBT center to whom I had been reaching out for help since Monday. The executive director informed me that it is "not cool" to just "dump" people at the hospital. I pointed out that he has known me for a while and we have worked together. I asked him if he seriously thought I'd do a thing like that. He said he would keep his feelings about the matter to himself, but that if he had known how seriously in need the couple were and how "unstable" the housing arrangement was, he would never have wanted the couple to come to Maryland. I said I was sure we could both agree that sometimes it would be nice to know about things ahead of time that you only find out about later. He told me that it was "inhumane" to leave the couple without clothing. I informed him that actually there had been a plan to bring down a bag of things and that typically hospitals provide clothing while you are in their care. The issue here was the hospital trying to wash their hands of the spouse.
We made some plans to coordinate getting things back to the couple and getting them some viable shelter. Then I heard from a friend of the couples to whom I had been reaching out for two days without success. He claimed I had never told him or anyone else about there being any problems and that he was of a mind to report me to every authority he could think of and then some. I responded that I was getting tired of being called names, but I understood that the situation was upsetting. I pointed out that I had reached out to the LGBT Center, among other places, on the first day that I knew about any issues existing and that I had been trying to reach him for two days but he did not respond. He responded me by telling me I was dishonest and I had not tried to contact him before that day (yesterday). I sent him a screenshot of our facebook exchange when I was trying to reach him the following day and had gotten nothing more than a "thanks, please give me a call when you can." After I heard from him further, I informed him I was blocking his emails. He circumvented the filter I setup to threaten to seek a restraining order if I didn't stop contacting him, bizarrely enough. I contacted a police officer I know in D.C. to ask for a suggestion on what to do to end the harassment and threats short of seeking a restraining order.
As this has all been going on, I've been protecting my volunteers. For example, I obviously do not control whether or not they can return to that home. That is up to the people who own it. But I am taking the heat for it. I am taking the heat forth advice of my 40 year nurse whose guidance I almost always follow in these matters for obvious reasons. And once the situation calms down, there will be an unpleasant letter written to the hospital administrator and/or the hopital's regulator.
So here's the question. Where did I screw up? What should I be learning from this?
The main critique coming my way seems to be that I did not pack a bag for them. But I had two people who couldn't even walk. I was getting them to the hospital because they had an obvious urgent need. Should I seriously have waited for them to pack some luggage?
There are claims that I never told them that they could not go back to the house. Not true. The nurse and I spent several hours discussing the need to find another housing situation for them. But you have a person with a brain injury and another with psych problems, you might question their veracity when recounting events.
I've been told that I took two people who didn't need to be in the hospital down and dumped them. But one of those people was taken in for emergency surgery and is currently in the intensive care unit. The hospital did decide not to admit the other one, but the same people who say that she did not need to be there also admit that the hospital did not decide that until they did an awful lot of test, including that CT of the person's brain. They didn't do that without some sign of there being something that needed investigating.
it seems to me that the only lessons are:
(1) At Maryland Trans*Unity, we have some awesome volunteers.
(2) People don't like to pitch in and help, but they sure do like to yell and scream at those who do.
(3) Don't take anymore requests for crisis assistance from the D.C. LGBT center and make them the last place I turn for aid.
(4) No good deed goes unpunished.
Patty