Post by Annys on Jun 5, 2017 14:08:44 GMT 8
Lots of thoughts going in here that I can't sort through it yet, so I don't expect you can, either. Mostly I'm just doing this in an attempt to process. But if insights do somehow exist, they're welcome.
I'm severely depressed. Have been for decades, too. Only recently have I been able to peg down a part of why - I'm ridiculously lonely. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate the support and friendship from afar that I find in places like this. I really do. That said, I'm still lacking the much more personal relationships we tend to need as humans. My family has disowned me, and the only "friend" circles I've had have been the drug and alcohol types. I've recently committed to being sober, too, so figuring out which of those are actual friends or not has become a moot point, cause they've got to go anyway.
Even worse, there's no romance in my life, and that crushes me. But that also makes me wonder if it's possible to be codependent without actually depending on people? I actually want to build a life with some sort of partner; God willing, a family, too. But one has to be able to start a relationship before the things relationships do ever happen.
There's a common saying that goes "You have to love yourself before others love you." But when other people not loving you has become the very reason you don't love yourself? This becomes a death spiral. I know it's not rational to base self-love on other's love, but that doesn't change that it's how I feel. And my feelings seem notoriously resistant to rationality. I just want to be loved, damnit.
But where to even look for such things? Most won't give me the time of day. Women tend to want a "man", which I am certainly not. Men want "women", and I'm not that either. Swap the words around how you will; if they're gay the genders can be swapped, whatever. My point is, that leaves me with a very distinct minority of people like us who I even have a chance with in the first place. So how to go about finding them?
Slim chances of that, already. And when we throw into the mix that damned depressive loop, it seems like that's dropping to nil. People aren't exactly thrilled about trying to date somebody who's depressed. Which makes me that much more depressed, and therefore less likely to hit that chance if I ever saw it. This nonbinary stuff makes it all feel like the Powerball of Love.
I have to learn to stand alone to not be alone, and I desperately do not want to be alone. The only answer to this riddle seems to be building the relationship on a foundation that is a lie; pretending to be somebody I am not until the love comes strong enough that the lie isn't necessary anymore. Like most trans* folks with families seem to have done? (if unintentionally, because they weren't even out yet to themselves? Or something, I don't know)
Except I can't do that, either. Living inauthentically almost killed me, too, a few years ago. And so, so many doors being closed now is killing me now.
It really seems like there's no way out.
I'm severely depressed. Have been for decades, too. Only recently have I been able to peg down a part of why - I'm ridiculously lonely. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate the support and friendship from afar that I find in places like this. I really do. That said, I'm still lacking the much more personal relationships we tend to need as humans. My family has disowned me, and the only "friend" circles I've had have been the drug and alcohol types. I've recently committed to being sober, too, so figuring out which of those are actual friends or not has become a moot point, cause they've got to go anyway.
Even worse, there's no romance in my life, and that crushes me. But that also makes me wonder if it's possible to be codependent without actually depending on people? I actually want to build a life with some sort of partner; God willing, a family, too. But one has to be able to start a relationship before the things relationships do ever happen.
There's a common saying that goes "You have to love yourself before others love you." But when other people not loving you has become the very reason you don't love yourself? This becomes a death spiral. I know it's not rational to base self-love on other's love, but that doesn't change that it's how I feel. And my feelings seem notoriously resistant to rationality. I just want to be loved, damnit.
But where to even look for such things? Most won't give me the time of day. Women tend to want a "man", which I am certainly not. Men want "women", and I'm not that either. Swap the words around how you will; if they're gay the genders can be swapped, whatever. My point is, that leaves me with a very distinct minority of people like us who I even have a chance with in the first place. So how to go about finding them?
Slim chances of that, already. And when we throw into the mix that damned depressive loop, it seems like that's dropping to nil. People aren't exactly thrilled about trying to date somebody who's depressed. Which makes me that much more depressed, and therefore less likely to hit that chance if I ever saw it. This nonbinary stuff makes it all feel like the Powerball of Love.
I have to learn to stand alone to not be alone, and I desperately do not want to be alone. The only answer to this riddle seems to be building the relationship on a foundation that is a lie; pretending to be somebody I am not until the love comes strong enough that the lie isn't necessary anymore. Like most trans* folks with families seem to have done? (if unintentionally, because they weren't even out yet to themselves? Or something, I don't know)
Except I can't do that, either. Living inauthentically almost killed me, too, a few years ago. And so, so many doors being closed now is killing me now.
It really seems like there's no way out.