Generally in kind of a bad place, please come talk to me

[Wormmms]

Hi, I need to throw this into the void because I feel like I am cooped up inside my head and it's driving me insane.



I have three people who are really close to me irl who are either trans or nonbinary, but because they know me so well it becomes a million times harder to bring up dysphoria with them. To me, really opening up about something this personal and this emotional is like trying to convince myself to put my hand in a garbage disposal. I hate feeling vulnerable, but as a result I'm stuck here with no outlet for all my negative thoughts and it is causing marked and rapidly increasing degradation of my mental health.



Anyway, the last couple days have been really bad. Yesterday I was showering and I got this wave of sadness(?) hopelessness(?) that was so overwhelming that I had to sit on the ground and it took me maybe 45 minutes for force myself to finish my shower stuff which was hard because yes I was definitely crying a little. Usually my dysphoria isn't awful because as long as I'm wearing clothes (& I almost never undress) I can kind of forget about all the things I don't like, or trick myself into thinking they're not that bad because I can't see them. But when I had that meltdown last night I was just in the throes of this big emotion that was like "everything is wrong and it will never be right I wish I was never born".



(cw for self harm in this paragraph) Today when I went to work, a coworker used a particular innocuous gendered word to describe me which I literally am so uncomfortable with that I can't even type it out or say it in the context of this story. It ate at me all day and when I got back to the place I'm staying (not my apartment, I'm housesitting for a few days) I had another meltdown and tore the place apart looking for something to cut with but there are literally no blades in this entire house so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



I have an appointment with a therapist who I've seen a couple times in the past on Monday, and I'm definitely prepared to discuss my depression and anxiety with her, but I can't bring myself to talk about gender stuff with her. It's stupid, but because she knows my partner is trans I'm worried that talking to her about my issues will cause one or both of us to lose credibility in her eyes. I have a lot of anxiety about credibility in general. I'm not sure where it comes from but I'm always questioning the legitimacy of my own feelings and second guessing myself.



If anyone actually got through that I have questions for you:



Do you have trouble identifying which feelings are "real"? How did you learn to trust yourself?

How did you get to a point where you could allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with other people?

How do you motivate yourself to do things that will improve your situation when your mental health is compromised and you have very little motivation?

Do you experience paralyzing anxiety about the future? What do you do to ease it?

[Luyas]

I am so sorry but you can talk to me

[Taka]

i was planning on quoting you, but changed my mind as i'm on my phone, and i don't really want to write inside your.
quote. so let's try to answer some questions

Do you have trouble identifying which feelings are "real"? How did you learn to trust yourself?

all feelings are real, and all deserve to be felt. ypu deserve to be able to have them and feel them, and then let go of the less important ones.

feelings aren't always proportional to whatever event caused them. me before hrt would get angry or anxious for the most ridiculously insignificant things. that didn't make the feeling less real however.

if you're thinking about feelings of being a particular gender or sexuality, i'd just say trust your gut feeling. if the wrongness of your body is so horrible that you can't even write that gendered word you heard, then you're definitely not cis.

but if the gendered word made you feel horrible because it triggered memories of trauma, or because it makes you feel patronized, less worth, or anything that's different from the horribleness of body dysphoria... well, then your gender dysphoria may be caused by a mental illness like depression or anxiety. i doubt that's the case for you however, the way you described it.


How did you get to a point where you could allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with other people?

i still haven't reached that point, and i doubt i ever will. instead i distance myself from the emotions when in a vulnerable situation. this means therapy won't work too well for me, as the therapeutic part of that sort of conversation lies mostly in exposing vulnerability and experiencing acceptance.

i have reached out online however, and exposed my more shameful vulnerabilities a few times. i got the greatest responses from people who cared to analyse cause and reaction. that helped a lot, and researchers seem to be finding evidence that online counselling can be just as effective as any other form of therapy. the big point here being trust.

if you haven't read any already, go find some blogs and articles about how to choose the right therapist. preferrably written by someone who's struggled with depression for years before finding out the importance of the therapist being right for them.


How do you motivate yourself to do things that will improve your situation when your mental health is compromised and you have very little motivation?

i tell myself that problems don't go away on their own, and will accumulate if i don't do anything about it. then i make take out a pen and paper and write down all the things i can think of that i have to do, both the easy things i'm not motivated for, and the things that cause me so much anxiety i'd rather die than remember them.

after that, i ask myself which things i can do anything about today. those are usually never more than eating properly at fixed times (fixing the time really works when lacking motivation), going to bed at a fixed time no later than 10 pm and refusing to do anything other than lying there until i have to get up for school or work, and perhaps a couple little things that don't take much time.

then there are things i'd write down times and dates for doing, and i tell myself i've been really good at planning ahead.

lastly are the things i can't do anything about. and this is where you shoud read something like the kingkiller chronicles to get all the awesome quotes that actually work. one favorite is "only a fool worries over what he can't control". if i deem something impossible to change atm, then i simply even put off thinking about it for the next month or two, and instead just make youself a reminder.


Do you experience paralyzing anxiety about the future? What do you do to ease it?

i plan, like i described above. and i take just a little bit of time to feel my anxiety. feeling it deeply, until it feels like i'm sinkung into it, being consumed by it. and then i breathe in deeply and wake myself up, reminding myself it's just a feeling. and a feeling can't kill me, only i can kill me. or unforeseen events which there's no point in worrying about anyway.

i also had the funniest epiphany once, when my life was at its darkest. if my 70 year old self were to meet myself of today, what do you think i'd say to me? if i didn't know it was me, what would i say then?

i had this terrible tendency to ruminate, and i was regretting so many things of the past. until i suddenly realised that if that youth was anyone other than me, i'd be telling them not to worry about it. and i'd try to comfort them. so i'm absolutely sure that my 70 year old self would tell me to relax, not stress out over things that don't even matter.

the epiphany being that life's a hundred times easier if i'd just be as nice to myself as i am to others.

even my greatest fault is something ilike wouldn't fault others for. so what the heck was i worrying about...

until i reached that point, which was truly life changing for me, i'd use rather different tactics however. the one that worked best against suicidality was thinking about all the people i know who deserve a most horrific death, and telling myself there's no way i can die without killing them first. that would be hitting two bird with one stone, and unless i'm that determined, suicide won't even be worth it.

[Trinity]

M I am totally fried tonight, but I can tell you this:

You are not alone

I am proud of you for reaching out to us

This is a safe place to share

Most of us have hit breaking points and won through them

I am alive still because of the people on this forum.

I'll try to comment again later, I am absolutely exhausted from home family stuff and professional stress, and lack of sleep, so I am not very good company tonight.

My daughter used to cut, and a close friend I mentor also has to deal with cutting. She does it instead of suiciding, when its really bad. But now she doesn't cut anymore, she learned her warning signs, found some pop off valves for safety, figured out what works for her and what doesn't.

We get through it, a day at a time. And I shared my butt off, in here, on the phone. These people carried me through it.

They remember.

Ruminating? Anxiety? Oh yeah. I had to face most of my fears, it was kind of mindbreaking. Things did not turn out the way I feared. They turned out really different, so different this wasn't even a dream for me.

Now its real.

How do I trust my feelings? I look deep inside my gut, not my mind. I listen to my core, the core of who I am. Its hard to explain, but its this place that just knows. Sometimes I can connect, sometimes I shout it out. I have to be willing to hear it, I have to be willing to accept it, I have to overcome my fear to understand and listen to it. And the fear is usually the block, fear, anger, all that. But in the stillness of the night, if I let it, I know the truth. And there is some faith involved with that. Faith that its real.

We each have our own paths to walk in this unicorn forest. You will find yours, just give yourself a chance, and follow your heart.

Fear sucks. Sometimes we need help with it through meds. Sometimes through trusted friend. Sometimes through faith.

But the key to disarming fear is in our hands. We just have to learn how to use it. To persevere.

To become warriors of the heart.

First conquering ours, then, it spreads outward.

So,.... maybe there is some little key in there, some little hint, that will help you step out into the first paths to hope and peace.

Stay with us.

[Ativan Prescribed]

May 13, 2017 18:32:31 GMT 8 Wormmms said:

Hi, I need to throw this into the void because I feel like I am cooped up inside my head and it's driving me insane.



I have three people who are really close to me irl who are either trans or nonbinary, but because they know me so well it becomes a million times harder to bring up dysphoria with them. To me, really opening up about something this personal and this emotional is like trying to convince myself to put my hand in a garbage disposal. I hate feeling vulnerable, but as a result I'm stuck here with no outlet for all my negative thoughts and it is causing marked and rapidly increasing degradation of my mental health.

The good thing is that they will do a lot less damage than a garbage disposal, so open up, once you do... it soon becomes the normal.

Anyway, the last couple days have been really bad. Yesterday I was showering and I got this wave of sadness(?) hopelessness(?) that was so overwhelming that I had to sit on the ground and it took me maybe 45 minutes for force myself to finish my shower stuff which was hard because yes I was definitely crying a little. Usually my dysphoria isn't awful because as long as I'm wearing clothes (& I almost never undress) I can kind of forget about all the things I don't like, or trick myself into thinking they're not that bad because I can't see them. But when I had that meltdown last night I was just in the throes of this big emotion that was like "everything is wrong and it will never be right I wish I was never born".

Been there, done that, and I think it's pretty common really, I think most here would agree that it happens more than once for most.

(cw for self harm in this paragraph) Today when I went to work, a coworker used a particular innocuous gendered word to describe me which I literally am so uncomfortable with that I can't even type it out or say it in the context of this story. It ate at me all day and when I got back to the place I'm staying (not my apartment, I'm housesitting for a few days) I had another meltdown and tore the place apart looking for something to cut with but there are literally no blades in this entire house so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When people intentionally say things that hurt, know that deep down, they are hiding and defending their shortcomings in life.
In other words, you're better than them because your not acting and talking like an ass.
Let go of the crap that people will say, they want it to bother you, they want to bully you so they don't get bullied for their crappy life.

I have an appointment with a therapist who I've seen a couple times in the past on Monday, and I'm definitely prepared to discuss my depression and anxiety with her, but I can't bring myself to talk about gender stuff with her. It's stupid, but because she knows my partner is trans I'm worried that talking to her about my issues will cause one or both of us to lose credibility in her eyes. I have a lot of anxiety about credibility in general. I'm not sure where it comes from but I'm always questioning the legitimacy of my own feelings and second guessing myself.

You've got the solution right in front of you, use it. Your anxiety concerns are what the therapist is there for, talk out the legitimacy issues with her.

If anyone actually got through that I have questions for you:



Do you have trouble identifying which feelings are "real"? How did you learn to trust yourself?
Yes, I have checks and balances that I learned mostly from therapy, but also on my own. You need to have reality filters, learn to trust yourself.
How did you get to a point where you could allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with other people?
Haven't really done that, but working on it... have been for decades.
How do you motivate yourself to do things that will improve your situation when your mental health is compromised and you have very little motivation?
Pick yourself up by your bootstraps? You have to learn to push yourself passed it and get on with things, sitting there doing nothing won't make it better.
Do you experience paralyzing anxiety about the future? What do you do to ease it?
I think most people do on occasion. Realize that there are many different ways that the future can be, you have the ability to make it better, not fix it, but make it better for you and for those around you, join in on the things that other people are doing to make their future better, find those people who agree with what you think the future should be, doing it online is an easy way to start doing that, maybe even finding people close by who share your values.
*Don Juan speaking to Carlos Castaneda in 'Journey to Ixtlan': "In view of my impending death, I don't have time for crappy thoughts"
Life isn't going to wait for you to catch up with it, so stop falling behind, you're missing all the good stuff by hiding from what you think might be bad stuff, you don't, nobody does, have the time to waste on self indulgent fears of things that haven't happened.
The future is going to be what you make out of it, so you get the most out of life by being a part of it, by being there, being a part of your future, it's your future, do something with it. It isn't going to do a thing if you just sit and stare at it, it's yours to do what you want to do, so do that.

That might not be the answer your looking for, but your questions beg for answers, if you don't answer them, then you might get the answer you didn't want.

Hang out on the forum, read through old topics, make them new again if you want, ask questions, write your opinions, hang out and do stuff...
There are a lot of really good people here, they're here to get help and sometimes that means helping others, it works for most people here, try it out...
You just might start to think of this place as a home, a safe place to let it go, discover people who want to help, you have to take the first few steps.

[Wormmms]

May 14, 2017 9:49:09 GMT 8 Taka said:

Thanks for such a thorough and genuine response. Honestly I think a big part of why I have these really bad periods of depression/anxiety is because I feel so isolated. Just being acknowledged and reading about other people's experiences eases that feeling significantly. I was actually really scared this thread wouldn't get any responses. Also, I know relying on other people for validation isn't healthy and you should be able to validate yourself etc etc, but hearing like "all your feelings are real" and "you're definitely not cis" is super grounding.

The list advice is also good. I've heard that before but I don't do it nearly as much as I should. I'm definitely prone to letting my big anxieties prevent me from performing smaller manageable tasks.

I read your reply earlier but I didn't have to time to write a response until now. Through the day I've been thinking about what you said about talking to your older and wiser self, but I have such a difficult time imagining myself when I'm old. I think that right now in my life too many things are uncertain, and it makes it really difficult to see beyond the next year or so. I just don't have enough faith in the future to put things in perspective that way I guess? I'm definitely more lenient on other people and super hard on myself though. It's one thing to know that objectively though and another one to really feel it an believe it. I wish I could have that kind of epiphany.

Also LMAO at that last part. Kept alive by sheer spite. I love it.

[Wormmms]

May 14, 2017 10:53:49 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Thank you for this. From what I've seen this community really is very supportive and caring and I'm happy I joined. I'd love to get to a point in my life where I can offer support that is as legitimately sincere and encouraging as what you've said here.

You're also completely right. Perseverance through pain is the only way to find happiness. In many ways I've made a lot of progress, and I need to acknowledge that as proof that the pain is worth the payoff. In those moments where you're really feeling the pain it's hard to do that though.

I'm glad that your daughter, your friend, and you have come so far too. Thank you again for sharing.

[Wormmms]

May 14, 2017 11:00:10 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

May 13, 2017 18:32:31 GMT 8 Wormmms said:

"In view of my impending death, I don't have time for crappy thoughts" is a great quote. I definitely use the whole yolo mentality to encourage myself to take risks, but I find that when I'm trying to make myself do something difficult or stressful that becomes "death is coming so what's the point" lol.


Of course you're right though. Whether or not I like it my future is specifically dependent on my own actions. As much as I'd like to sometimes I can't put my life in someone else's hands, so I need to do my best to set myself up for success. I like the action-oriented encouragement in your response.

[Taka]

validation is this sort of really difficult thing. when you're still a child, your parents are the primary mirror to your self. and if that mirror is faulty and doesn't reflect you as you are, but instead gives back an image corrected to fit their world view, you might get into serious troubles with your own identity.

from you are around 3 years old, other kids will also play a really bid role in trying to shape you, unless the adults around are aware and steer the children's thoughts in all possible directions rather than just gender separation. even if other adults aren't aware, your parents should be there to support your true self if other children threaten to break it down.

you don't really start to learn the art of self validation until you hit puberty. that's when you start to really discover how different you are from everybody else, as well has how not ok that is with most people. parents still play a big and important role in this process. they should be there to help you control and deal with the overwhelming feelings, and see through yourself to whatever your true core is. help shape you into the person you want to be.

if nobody else validates you, there's no way you'd learn self validation. you'll always be the one that's wrong, isolated from everyone else. therapists can help you with learning self validation, but so can friends. people who have a close friend or to whom they can talk to about everything, are less likely to ever need a therapist.

sort of sad to think of though, how this society has become so hopelessly focused on perfection, and allows so much bullying, that some would need to pay for a friend substitute.

but do read more of the different posts here. knowing there are others somewhat like yourself will also help you learn self validation.

[Trinity]

May 14, 2017 17:41:34 GMT 8 Wormmms said:

May 14, 2017 10:53:49 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Thank you for this. From what I've seen this community really is very supportive and caring and I'm happy I joined. I'd love to get to a point in my life where I can offer support that is as legitimately sincere and encouraging as what you've said here.

You're also completely right. Perseverance through pain is the only way to find happiness. In many ways I've made a lot of progress, and I need to acknowledge that as proof that the pain is worth the payoff. In those moments where you're really feeling the pain it's hard to do that though.

I'm glad that your daughter, your friend, and you have come so far too. Thank you again for sharing.

Your point in the strikethrough is absolutely valid.

I know.  But I can't let the bad guys win.  And they do when I get taken out.

Walks....i find a wild bird, connect with it, feel it, be it...outside.  Its innocence.  Its freedom. Its beauty.  Its fuzziness.  I unite myself to the sparrow for a moment to feel its joy.

It helps

[EchelonHunt]

To me, really opening up about something this personal and this emotional is like trying to convince myself to put my hand in a garbage disposal. I hate feeling vulnerable, but as a result I'm stuck here with no outlet for all my negative thoughts and it is causing marked and rapidly increasing degradation of my mental health.

Can I just say...



I completely understand how you feel. I find it very difficult to be vulnerable in front of others. Have solace in knowing that you now have an outlet for your negative thoughts - right here, right now, on this online space.

Anyway, the last couple days have been really bad. Yesterday I was showering and I got this wave of sadness(?) hopelessness(?) that was so overwhelming that I had to sit on the ground and it took me maybe 45 minutes for force myself to finish my shower stuff which was hard because yes I was definitely crying a little. Usually my dysphoria isn't awful because as long as I'm wearing clothes (& I almost never undress) I can kind of forget about all the things I don't like, or trick myself into thinking they're not that bad because I can't see them. But when I had that meltdown last night I was just in the throes of this big emotion that was like "everything is wrong and it will never be right I wish I was never born".

I have been through this many times when I was younger. It was almost everyday. I never looked at myself when I took off my clothes but in the shower, when I have to wash myself, I am confronted with the reality of my body. It was awful and yes, I would end up having a longer shower time accidentally due to curling up into a ball crying.

I have an appointment with a therapist who I've seen a couple times in the past on Monday, and I'm definitely prepared to discuss my depression and anxiety with her, but I can't bring myself to talk about gender stuff with her. It's stupid, but because she knows my partner is trans I'm worried that talking to her about my issues will cause one or both of us to lose credibility in her eyes. I have a lot of anxiety about credibility in general. I'm not sure where it comes from but I'm always questioning the legitimacy of my own feelings and second guessing myself.

I struggle with my feelings too. I rarely let my walls down around others. It's something I am slowly dealing with and hoping this can change in the future, when I will be able to trust someone enough to let my walls down completely. 

Do you have trouble identifying which feelings are "real"? How did you learn to trust yourself?

As others have said, going with your gut instinct is your best bet. That, or you will notice some feelings about gender are repetitive and come back in larger waves more than before, furthering your resolve that, "Yes, this is real". You can usually bet that those are real, attempting to drown out the background noise. 

If those gender feelings end up changing a few days, months or years laters, don't stress. It's okay, gender can be fluid for others, or it may take being one gender for awhile to figure out you were another gender entirely. E.g. I am AFAB who was born with ambiguous genitalia, I went from identifying as male, puberty hit I reluctantly identified as female, FTM, non-binary, androgyne, trigender to now, agender male. 

How did you get to a point where you could allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with other people?

As others have said, still struggling with this. Having close friends who understand help a lot. 

How do you motivate yourself to do things that will improve your situation when your mental health is compromised and you have very little motivation?

If it allows for it, I give myself a mental health day, in which I just try my best to relax and destress, do things that will make me calm down (pat kitties, watch funny YouTube videos or watch Steven Universe) Then the next day, I make sure I get back on track, put a To-Do list together and just tackle one task at a time.

Do you experience paralyzing anxiety about the future? What do you do to ease it?

Not paralysing anxiety, I just felt 100% sure there was no light at the end of the tunnel (the future), I felt there was no chance of me being happy in the future. During my 2nd suicide attempt, I saw "the light" (I'm not religious, take what you will of that) and saw flashes of my funeral, where I was called "(former name), daughter, she, her" and I knew I didn't want to die prematurely in a female body. I wanted to know what feeling comfortable in my own skin felt like, I never had that. After that, the future exploded with a million possibilities, I never saw the dark tunnel with no light at the end of it ever again. 

[Wormmms]

Just as a follow up to my original post here from a few days ago-

I got through that particular rough patch and I'm doing okay now. I went to my therapy appointment and we talked about anxiety as it pertains to my general inability to motivate, existential dread, feelings that I have no control over my life, etc. It's not specifically related to the dysphoric meltdown, but I think that addressing some of the more general anxiety will help to ease the extent of that.

My therapist also suggested medication which I had be opposed to in the past because having bad skin exacerbates my self hate and gaining weight exacerbates my dysphoria. I did realize, though, that if I advocate for myself and research the medication that my doctors are suggesting, then I should be able to avoid any unacceptable side effects. I'm not yet at a point where I completely can't function without medication, but I feel like it could be a good crutch to get me in a better place to move forward on my issues.

Anyway, that's my update. It's nice to have a little energy again.

[Taka]

i considered anxiety meds a few years back, but decided to touch it out instead. it never really went away until i started hrt though. that's actually a rather common experience for both ftm and mtf hormonally transitioning folks. a general existential anxiety that doesn't have any real reasons, it's just horrible, will for some reason go away when the hormonal imbalance is fixed.

before trying med, unless you absolutely need them, visit a general physicial to take a few blood tests. pay particular attention to metabolsm, iron levels, and vitamin d levels. it's actually recommended to have twice as high vitamin d levels as what many doctors would consider enough, and a deficiency is likely to cause or worsen depression. vitamin d levels usually take a few months to fix if they're low too.

just something to think about.
though anxiety meds can be good to have around if it gets really bad one day when you need to be a little better, probably.