Post by EchelonHunt on Mar 13, 2017 1:10:55 GMT 8
Disclaimer: This is, I believe, my on-going struggle with mental health stuff, I'm consistently on my HRT so I know this isn't a mental breakdown due to dysphoria from lack of HRT in my system.
TW: Sexual coercion, masturbation, disturbing imagery from dissociative episodes
I am so sick of my identity being unstable. My sense of self is shaky and always seems fleeting. I run into moments where I don't recognise myself in the mirror or I don't know who I am, like I will literally struggle to form a sentence that defines myself, sometimes it gets so bad that I'll end up forgetting my name and struggle to recognise my parents or feel emotionally connected to them even though logically, I know they are my parents.
My gender and sexuality will also be impacted from this state. I'll often feel confused, in doubt, have no clear grasp on my gender or sexuality. It feels like my brain is covered in a fog and I can't accurately discern what from what. In a few days or hours, it clears up and I'll usually feel reinvigorated, like extra sure and confident of who I am. It's so weird.
I have struggled with dissociation, feeling detached from my surroundings and myself since I was a child. It happened so frequently that I simply thought everyone else had it and over time, it eventually became my normal. Before the sexual coercion, my dissociation would have been at 100%, then the sexual coercion happened and let's just say the gauge exploded, with the dial tracker/red indicator thing falling off. The next 12 months was blurred together into one, I don't know how I functioned at all. Autopilot saved me, I think. Every time I attempted to masturbate, I would see the most fucked up things, my dissociation made the walls turn yellow and cracked, blood dripping down and other disturbing imagery that makes zero sense. To clarify, I was NOT under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I was 100% sober. I believe my mind was trying to desperately distract me from masturbation, to avoid reliving the memories of the sexual coercion by throwing imagery into my face to get me to stop.
I pushed myself through it because back then, orgasms was my stress relief, a way to release my pent-up frustration and sexual energy. I didn't enjoy masturbation at all, I hated it but I had to do it so I could scratch the itch and go back to doing my usual tasks.
Years later, I've gotten better. Dissociation is still a constant but it no longer interferes much in masturbation unless I am in partnered sex, that brings both a mix of dysphoria and dissociation but whatever, I'm working on it with someone I know who is kind, patient and understanding, I just wish he didn't live 2 hours away. Studying full-time and familial commitments means I can't get south of the river to visit him as much as I'd like to.
Basically, my question is: will this identity instability ever go away?!
I know that my dysphoria will be alleviated with surgery, which is a no-brainer because I require male genitalia to feel at home in my body. This dissociation, it feels separate to dysphoria and it feels like it will be an on-going thing, like I'm going to be stuck with it forever, I feel like I'm just biologically predisposed to this condition.
I seriously have had it as long as I was conscious as a child.
I always wonder, what happened to me? DID anything happen? Or did my mind know I was biologically female from the start, even though I was not aware of it and used dissociation to protect me?
I had moments I remember vividly as a child, trying to pee standing up with my pee-pee (enlarged clitoris), failing and being embarrassed but I reassured myself that my body would fix itself when I hit puberty (I didn't know I was female). The erection I had just in primary school when I saw two classmates make-out passionately, telling my mom I had an erection, she shrieked that I was a girl. When I was 16, I begged my GP that I wanted the breasts and reproductive organs removed as they caused me so much distress, he told me nobody would perform surgery on me. Getting into cosplaying male anime characters, my mom asking me if I wish I was born with a penis, I yelled, "Oh my God, Mom, NO!"... These memories were repressed over the years and some only resurfaced when I came out as trans, the rest when I came out as non-binary.
TW: Sexual coercion, masturbation, disturbing imagery from dissociative episodes
I am so sick of my identity being unstable. My sense of self is shaky and always seems fleeting. I run into moments where I don't recognise myself in the mirror or I don't know who I am, like I will literally struggle to form a sentence that defines myself, sometimes it gets so bad that I'll end up forgetting my name and struggle to recognise my parents or feel emotionally connected to them even though logically, I know they are my parents.
My gender and sexuality will also be impacted from this state. I'll often feel confused, in doubt, have no clear grasp on my gender or sexuality. It feels like my brain is covered in a fog and I can't accurately discern what from what. In a few days or hours, it clears up and I'll usually feel reinvigorated, like extra sure and confident of who I am. It's so weird.
I have struggled with dissociation, feeling detached from my surroundings and myself since I was a child. It happened so frequently that I simply thought everyone else had it and over time, it eventually became my normal. Before the sexual coercion, my dissociation would have been at 100%, then the sexual coercion happened and let's just say the gauge exploded, with the dial tracker/red indicator thing falling off. The next 12 months was blurred together into one, I don't know how I functioned at all. Autopilot saved me, I think. Every time I attempted to masturbate, I would see the most fucked up things, my dissociation made the walls turn yellow and cracked, blood dripping down and other disturbing imagery that makes zero sense. To clarify, I was NOT under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I was 100% sober. I believe my mind was trying to desperately distract me from masturbation, to avoid reliving the memories of the sexual coercion by throwing imagery into my face to get me to stop.
I pushed myself through it because back then, orgasms was my stress relief, a way to release my pent-up frustration and sexual energy. I didn't enjoy masturbation at all, I hated it but I had to do it so I could scratch the itch and go back to doing my usual tasks.
Years later, I've gotten better. Dissociation is still a constant but it no longer interferes much in masturbation unless I am in partnered sex, that brings both a mix of dysphoria and dissociation but whatever, I'm working on it with someone I know who is kind, patient and understanding, I just wish he didn't live 2 hours away. Studying full-time and familial commitments means I can't get south of the river to visit him as much as I'd like to.
Basically, my question is: will this identity instability ever go away?!
I know that my dysphoria will be alleviated with surgery, which is a no-brainer because I require male genitalia to feel at home in my body. This dissociation, it feels separate to dysphoria and it feels like it will be an on-going thing, like I'm going to be stuck with it forever, I feel like I'm just biologically predisposed to this condition.
I seriously have had it as long as I was conscious as a child.I always wonder, what happened to me? DID anything happen? Or did my mind know I was biologically female from the start, even though I was not aware of it and used dissociation to protect me?
I had moments I remember vividly as a child, trying to pee standing up with my pee-pee (enlarged clitoris), failing and being embarrassed but I reassured myself that my body would fix itself when I hit puberty (I didn't know I was female). The erection I had just in primary school when I saw two classmates make-out passionately, telling my mom I had an erection, she shrieked that I was a girl. When I was 16, I begged my GP that I wanted the breasts and reproductive organs removed as they caused me so much distress, he told me nobody would perform surgery on me. Getting into cosplaying male anime characters, my mom asking me if I wish I was born with a penis, I yelled, "Oh my God, Mom, NO!"... These memories were repressed over the years and some only resurfaced when I came out as trans, the rest when I came out as non-binary.
