drama, adrenaline, courage, and living trans...

[Deleted]

Alright I work genderqueer as an estimator under deadlines and high stress. The environment is ok for it, though we have a constant stream of southern rednecks at the counter. I don't service that account, I see them.

I think all of us are probably hypervigilant and have tons of drama to work through, dramatic changes to body, dramatic acceptance issues with the mind, and work and financial stress on top of that.

And with adrenaline always on, we get hooked on it.

I've had a rough run lately but I stopped creating drama when I stopped screwing with boundaries and flirting with trouble.

I do create drama flirting on forum. Well, I doubt I'll stop that.

I like the attention.

Soooo, anyone get their adrenaline stuck in the on position? Do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of being trans?

I don't know about you, but living trans takes every ounce of nervous energy I have. When I run out of that, I crash.

How about you?

Tell me your adrenalin and hypervigilance doesn't raise up when your stealth in a hostile environment. Or out genderqueer and some stranger walks in.

Eating adrenaline. The rush of living trans.

Anyone relate?

Blessings

Trinity

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 6:29:54 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Alright I work genderqueer as an estimator under deadlines and high stress. The environment is ok for it, though we have a constant stream of southern rednecks at the counter. I don't service that account, I see them.

I think all of us are probably hypervigilant and have tons of drama to work through, dramatic changes to body, dramatic acceptance issues with the mind, and work and financial stress on top of that.

And with adrenaline always on, we get hooked on it.

I've had a rough run lately but I stopped creating drama when I stopped screwing with boundaries and flirting with trouble.

I do create drama flirting on forum. Well, I doubt I'll stop that.

I like the attention.

Soooo, anyone get their adrenaline stuck in the on position? Do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of being trans?

I don't know about you, but living trans takes every ounce of nervous energy I have. When I run out of that, I crash.

How about you?

Tell me your adrenalin and hypervigilance doesn't raise up when your stealth in a hostile environment. Or out genderqueer and some stranger walks in.

Eating adrenaline. The rush of living trans.

Anyone relate?

Blessings

Trinity

Yeah? So? I come from a small town in Arkansas and that is probably the biggest redneck state you could ever name. I mean the biggest city is Little Rock and in the last sign I saw the population was 590,000. That is a little city. Even rednecks though they may not admit it are not as messed up. Yeah some are and then some are pretty open minded too. Growing up I had my fair share of admirers. They were southern rednecks too.

One rule of thumb hon is to never judge. There are just as many southern rednecks that like us and would love to love us if given the chance as anyone else in the world. You can never judge. People are people from all over and my experience from being all over is that people are all the same. Hell give me a southern redneck that will treat me like a queen and you can keep all the rich social guys in the world. Hell sweety, my BF now is a southern redneck and treats me better than probably what I should be treated. He even wants to take a vacation this summer in Massachusetts and get married even though it wouldn't be legal in La. I tell him to wait. 

[Ativan Prescribed]

Mar 14, 2015 6:29:54 GMT 8 Trinity said:

 Do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of being trans?

I do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of just being.

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 9:34:29 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Mar 14, 2015 6:29:54 GMT 8 Trinity said:

 Do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of being trans?

I do crazy stuff to distract from the pain of just being.

No shit.  Truth be told, me too, I suspect.

[Laura J]

Im becoming so much more aware of the different aspects of being trans, in regards to pain and discomfort..
I must admit I love to dwell on the good feelings, the dreams, the times of no stress, pressure or anxiety, I love talking, thinking and writing about it..

But slowly, the bad side is hitting me.. Even friends who ask me how I'm doing, or try and give well thought out advice for my next part in transition, even simple small things, cause me a lot of anxiety lately, maybe also some Dysphoria. I've been realizing again and stronger recently that from the morning to night much of everything I do and think about feels like its passing through a sort of "trans filter" and comes out a little different than it went in.?

I don't know what I'm trying to say really.??

I just sense more and more being trans is becoming more of a drama, that I'm stepping further from mainstream society, even though it might not be as radical a change on the outside as to how I look, inside me changes are going on, my eyes, heart and mind are seeing life more and more differently..

Its scary, but beautiful, and totally nothing I've ever imagined before, and I feel Ill equipped to deal with it most of the time..

[Deleted]

We should chat dear. You feel up to going to an Aa meeting Wed?

[Ayla]

Mar 16, 2015 10:48:43 GMT 8 Laura J said:

Im becoming so much more aware of the different aspects of being trans, in regards to pain and discomfort..
I must admit I love to dwell on the good feelings, the dreams .....

But slowly, the bad side is hitting me.....  much of everything I do and think about feels like its passing through a sort of "trans filter" and comes out a little different than it went in..

I just sense more and more being trans is becoming more of a drama, that I'm stepping further from mainstream society, even though it might not be as radical a change on the outside as to how I look, inside me changes are going on, my eyes, heart and mind are seeing life more and more differently..

Its scary, but beautiful, and totally nothing I've ever imagined before, and I feel Ill equipped to deal with it most of the time..

Mark

Progress is scarey.  One step always takes us to a different place.  Our antenna are up and our radar is on.  Our lenses are different to those of many.   We see life as more fluid, binaries are blurred, routes are less clear and destinations more fluid.  
It can feel over whelming at times, but I would rather this authentic, self authored, technicolor life than the one I once had.

If the worst that can be said is that I am moving from the grey fields of Kansas to the color and vibrancy of Oz then this is a good thing and it makes perfect sense that this translocation upsets our equilibrium and sense of reality.  Pretty soon though you will just step out down your own yellow brick road and everything will seem entirely normal and just as it should be.  When this happens you will feel right at home.

safe travels

aisla

[Laura J]

Mar 16, 2015 18:28:14 GMT 8 Trinity said:

We should chat dear. You feel up to going to an Aa meeting Wed?

I was thinking about that yesterday, you know how I like to sneak in when no ones looking.? 

But I don't know about wednesday, my wife pretty much has our car all week.. Can't promise.. 


Aisla, 

Wow, Thanks, thats such a vivid way to explain it, one I can understand.. 
You're right.. Some things, mostly small details about myself I feel fairly at home with.. 
Theres so much new every day, new experiences, talking to new people, etc etc, 
and all that has to be thought out in my mind, to present myself real in response to things.. 
Some people, and things I still avoid, but I'm getting betetr at it.. 

Thank you's both. 

[Deleted]

No worries. Just let me know if you want to meet up at a meeting whenever.