I'm hurting...

[FaerieKim]

The hate is getting to me and I don't know who I am anymore

Too many people telling me I'm really a crossdressing man.  Too many people ask what it means to be a woman, or how do I know.  I can't adequately answer the questions.

So I drop the labels and focus on the practical matters - and people still want to hate!

How do I know - for sure, really know - what gender I am?  Does it even matter?

And too many run-ins with haters - whether male or female, feminist or anti-feminist - and I just feel like a angry, bitter ball of depression and anxiety.

What did I do to deserve to be made to  feel like this all the time???

[Trinity]

Jan 12, 2017 7:36:04 GMT 8 FaerieKim said:

The hate is getting to me and I don't know who I am anymore

Too many people telling me I'm really a crossdressing man.  Too many people ask what it means to be a woman, or how do I know.  I can't adequately answer the questions.

So I drop the labels and focus on the practical matters - and people still want to hate!

How do I know - for sure, really know - what gender I am?  Does it even matter?

And too many run-ins with haters - whether male or female, feminist or anti-feminist - and I just feel like a angry, bitter ball of depression and anxiety.

What did I do to deserve to be made to  feel like this all the time???

You got born in a way that the matrix cant handle.

Does your gender matter?  Yes imo.  You need to understand how you work.  Not someone elses biased beleif.  The truth that lies deep inside your core.

Male crossdresser?  Gay?  Nonbinary?  Androgyne?  Boxes.

Who is trying to stuff you into the matrix dreamworld.  The binary all or nothing cistem.

Cut those deathspeakers off my dear, its poison to your mind.

Find the you that is you.  Find a safe place to talk about it, whether here or somewhere else.  But make sure they understand gender.

Meanwhile you need to feel who you are.


The haters will hate and their hate does kill.  Choose not to be a casualty.

I share your bitterness.  Deeply.  But i choose the way of the heart warrior, and defy the matrix.

I choose to be.

Yes its deadly out there.  But they dont have the right to do what they do.

Dont give them that victory.

They dont deserve it.  

Lean on us.  You've been drafted honey.  Be the survivor.

And dont worry about gender this boy that girl that.

Wear what makes you feel good.  If you need to blend and disappear into stealth to be safe at times do it.  It rests your she inside as he protects her.

Think strategy.  Its a war.  Learn how to become the warrior in the matrix.

Y9u can do this.

Breathe.  Dont let the bastards win.

[EchelonHunt]

I know it's hard to do but ignore the haters.

People like to preach that we have a responsibility to educate the uneducated but god damn, they never talk about how tiring it gets trying to inform others and being shut down right away and slammed with insults.

And there's nothing stopping the uneducated from educating themselves by Googling but they, for some reason, don't. Laziness, fear, that everything they ever knew is a lie. I don't know.

"Those who don't matter do mind, those who do matter don't mind."

First, cut out people who are unlikely to change their views, who believe there are only two genders, etc. I have family who believe there are only two genders so I just do not discuss non-binary topics with them.

Second, surround yourself with friends or positive people who love and accept you the way you are.

Once you have created a safe environment, only then you can safely explore your gender. I suspect you already know your gender, just the hate, depression, anxiety has muffled it. Which happens, its happened to me before. It's kind of your mind's way of protecting itself.



We're here for you.

[Leena]

I'm not sure there is much to gain from discussing gender at all with cis-people. They are going to think whatever they think and it is unlikely worth the effort. So what if they think I am a crossdresser, or whatever, I only really care to discuss if they are interested in a positive way, or occasionally in a naive curious way. What are you doing to be asked this? Most people don't notice and/or ignore me...

[Ativan Prescribed]

Jan 12, 2017 11:10:05 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

 Laziness, fear, that everything they ever knew is a lie. I don't know.

The fear of the realization that the matrix is real.
Not the movie matrix, although...
There comes those times in everyone's lives that they realize that what they thought of as true is a lie, perpetuated.
It could be a small thing, but it's the big things that really throw us.
Gender as it is presented in so many places is one of those lies, perpetuated by ignorance and lazy mindedness.
It might not occur to some people, there isn't a question ever asked, but it is a topic of concern that many have seen and heard about.
To deny it is to live in the lie that is the matrix, stay safe in ignorance, head buried in the sand, ears plugged and saying "nananana" over and over to keep the truth away.
It's as if that truth will hurt them in some way and for some it does, they realize that somewhere deep inside, they do understand it.
They are afraid of what others might say, never realizing that others feel the same way, deep down, they know the truth and that the matrix is a lie.
That hurt is the truth trying to come to the surface, them trying to realize that it is a truth...
it hurts to keep perpetuating a lie when you know the truth.

[FaerieKim]

Thanks everyone.  It wasn't anyone in my personal life, it was just dickheads on the internet.  I have a youtube channel - I put myself out there.  And both on my own videos and on other people's I have a habit of going full warrior on the haters and arguing with them.  Unfortunately it always ends up with me feeling broken and hurt and doubting myself.  Then after a while I put myself back together again in the exact same way.  So it's a waste of my energies and I should stop it and just ignore them really.

How I put myself together again:
I reflected on the fact that animals (including those with no society or culture at all) have behavioural differences based on sex, which demonstrates that some aspects of gender are indeed biologically wired into the brain.  I reflected on the fact that when I thought I was gay it was because I enjoyed playing the opposite gender roles, and when I figured out that I'm really not into men and very, very much into  women it threw it into sharp relief that what I really wanted was for women to treat me the way a man would treat a woman.  I reflected on the fact that a cross dresser wouldn't want to adopt a subtle, almost androgynous form of feminine gender expression to wear every single day.  Nor would a cross dresser want to cover his stubble up with foundation just after he's shaved because he doesn't like the way his face looks with facial hair on it.  Nor would a cross dresser think his naked body looks weird and the wrong shape.  Nor would a cross dresser feel like he's been slapped in the face when people call him sir or mate or fella.  Nor would a cross dresser feel so desperately miserable, grumpy and pissy all the damn time because of gender.  In other words cross dressers are reasonably content in male mode, they just like dressing up.  That's not me.  I suffer from gender dysphoria and only name change, social transition, laser hair removal on my face and hormones can fix it.

Ugh!  Why must people make me doubt myself?  It's not as if I haven't asked the questions they're asking me a million times already.  I really don't need to go over and over and over it again just because they don't understand and can't accept it.

And the way people talk about stereotypes!  I was a "feminine man", an "androgynous man" all my life and I've always been sexually attracted to women who at least behave in less stereotypical ways.  I've never believed in gender stereotypes!