We Heal Through Love

[Deleted]

Avoiding someone who is mentally ill is what we tend to do because of their behaviour, or the things they say. It can be very toxic to be around it sometimes. Both BPD and high-functioning types of autism can often make people come across as haughty, rude, insensitive, and narcissistic. I am guilty of it, and have been privy to it from others.

But walking away from someone who suffers from mental illness doesn't help them; it only helps you. You don't need to endure abuse to be their friend or partner, but you do need to set boundaries. When you do that you are making an agreement with them to help them, to not abandon them, as long as they are respecting those boundaries.

If the person crosses one of them then you use negative reinforcement. When a child misbehaves you take away one of their privileges. Then they learn to adjust their behaviour so that it doesn't happen again. Zero need for spanking, slapping, or emotional abuse. The person may not like it, and they may get defensive and angry, but they will mull it over when they calm down.

We don't mean to be shitty or obnoxious. It isn't a conscious thing, it's a reaction, and it makes us feel terrible afterwards. You may find it easy to be mindful of yourself, but people with mental illness find it much more difficult. I can sit here and acknowledge it now, but not in the moment of heightened emotion.

It takes a lot of love and patience to be friends with us, or to be in relationships with us, but I believe — beneath all the damage — we are worth the effort. When you can show us that you truly do care, not just say it, then we will be the most loyal friend you know.

Being mentally ill is no excuse for toxic behaviour, it's just the cause of it, and it's important that people understand that, and to not be so eager to run away from it. We need love as much as anyone else. We heal through love. It's in the absence of love that we become more and more damaged.

[Trinity]

I needed to see this.

I have a mess at home. Its taking me out.

Its affecting my job, my health, my career. I am trying to distance from it, its going to come down to tough love, and not enabling.

My daughter has gone over the edge due to spousal abuse. With the stalkings and crime we grew up in, where we were stalked and hunted and driven from our homes, with all the shit that has gone down, including her getting raped, and then me coming out trans and her getting hooked up with a vet that was a lethal sniper in afganistan and Iraq so she could be with a "real man".... and he turned out to be a terror. Abusive, mentally. Dangerous as hell.

So, she is taking it out on us. And I need to detach with love.

It isn't easy. I appreciate your post River. It helps me get through the day, I am at my wits end. Hurt people hurt people, and I am tired of my wife and I being abused. By her, and by her estranged husband who is manipulating her behind the scenes, and through her my wife, and through my wife, messing with me too.

Trinity

[EchelonHunt]

Some people cannot be healed through love. Some people heal by bullying others and revelling in the chaos and (self-)destruction they cause.

My ex-girlfriend in America, it didn't matter to her how much I loved her, it wasn't enough in her eyes. I would throw myself in front of a bullet or a speeding car to save her... but that wasn't enough.

She healed through bullying others, abusing me and taking control of every single aspect of my life in order to feel secure in her sense of self, to boost her self-esteem.

I accepted everything about her, I did not judge her, I did not force change on her, all I did was love her unconditionally and foolishly hoped my love would help her pull through and see it within herself to become a better person. I was dumb, naive and very wrong. 

She hated my entire existence, she couldn't stand that I was feminine, she forced me into masculine roles in fear that her family would somehow figure out I'm not quite "normal" or that I was transgender.

I bared my soul to her, I took my binder off as I was comfortable in my body, even with the breasts I so abhorred, I was comfortable enough within myself to be completely naked and intimate in her presence. She could not even look at me, she turned away in disgust and told me to cover myself up.

It got to the point where I begun to fall into depression heavily after being relatively mentally sound for 4 years. Came with it were the suicidal thoughts and I knew there and then, the relationship had turned unhealthy long ago.

It took my failing mental health to see that giving my all to a person who doesn't love, respect nor care about me, is not worth it. Up until then, I had been completely selfless, a doormat, a people-pleaser, if you will and for the first time in my life, I chose to be selfish and care about myself.

I feel no shame and no guilt for cutting off all contact with her. It was my liberation, both from her web of lies she tied me to, her seemingly never-ending emotional, physical and sexual abuse and my selfless nature that had me stepped on numerous times.

It must be nice to believe that love conquers all, that love is this magical thing that cures everything but the reality is love doesn't fix everything and there are times when even the most genuine love cannot save the most broken people.

Maybe people are perfectly happy with being broken and damaged, maybe they feel empowered by it, maybe it's who they are, maybe that's the only way they can thrive in their entirety. Maybe they don't want to change and that's okay.

Even years later, I can see that my ex is still the same person she was when I left her. It made me realise, maybe it's not that she's mentally ill, maybe it's her personality, maybe it's just who she is and that doesn't have to be a bad thing. It is what it is.

It was in the absence of love from my ex, that I began the process of healing and begin truly loving myself. I can thank her for giving me that experience, I'm grateful for that at least.

Not everybody heals through love. Some heal through the absence of love, like myself and some, like my ex-girlfriend, heal through chaos and (self-)destruction.