Trans and codependency

[Trinity]

Shall we chat?

This is a big one.  And I think life saving, or if not dealt with, life threatening.

Thoughts?

[EchelonHunt]

Looking up codependency, I would classify my relationship with my American ex-girlfriend as codependent as well as unhealthy and abusive. She was a narcissist and I was a, for lack of better terms, people-pleaser and a doormat, putting her needs before mine. Basically, my self-worth and happiness back then was centred on making other people happy, even if it meant I was unhappy in the process.

But she was an incredibly unhappy person, all narcissists are at the core of their being, unfortunately. Insecurity drives them to act the way they do.

I never tried to change her, I couldn't. The relationship was getting too unhealthy for the both of us so I made the decision to walk away, completely cut off ties. She wanted to remain friends, I did not because I realised she is not the kind of person I'd like to be friends with anyway. She treats her friends like pawns on a chess board, to do her bidding and she is a bully. She convinced me that she was the only important person in my life, and essentially for me to stop talking to all of my friends, even my best friends whom I was close to. To be friends with her, means I condone that behaviour.

Walking away from that relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned that I was deserving of love and respect, that I didn't deserve to be used and abused. I learned how to stand up for myself, to say no and to (slowly getting better at this) speak my thoughts and express my feelings.

I also learned what I do and don't want in a relationship. I do want respect, cuddles and freedom for individuals to be themselves without the other person restricting them. I don't want to get married and have kids. Lots of cats? Yes. ALL THE CATS! I like being able to do things I want to do and not have to consult with another person on it, to get their approval. I also don't want sex to be the driving factor in a relationship. A relationship whose interaction is entirely based on sex is not really a relationship at all.

I disliked the roles and expectations imposed on me during that relationship. I had to present masculine, act masculine so that I could fit the cookie cutout of "heterosexuality" to my ex-girlfriend's parents and friends. I never imposed any expectations or roles on her so I found this to be unfair. Being myself wasn't enough for her.

She claimed that I didn't truly love her because I didn't orgasm during sex. This hurt because I don't view orgasms or sexual arousal as indication of one's love for another person. When I came out to her as asexual, she scoffed in disbelief and continued to push sex onto me. She already knew I had been a victim of rape. She wondered why I started spacing out and becoming unresponsive from dissociating. Gee, I wonder why? She was absolutely incapable of putting herself in another person's shoes, she was just preoccupied with her own needs, feelings and her instant sexual gratification.

I believe it's safe to say we never loved each other, not in the true sense. In that moment of time, it just so happened that we were what the other needed, it was to be a temporary relationship for us to grow from. She began dating somebody while she was engaged to me. I said yes to her dating a girl because secretly, I knew she wasn't happy being with me anymore. I just wish she had been honest instead of hiding behind the guise of "Let's have an open relationship" to break up with me without actually speaking the words. What a coward. She broke off the engagement but promised me she'd always love me. Our plan was that I'd move over a year later and we'd live in a house together. She wanted me to move over anyway and join her and her new girlfriend. That was the breaking point. I cut the cord and walked away.

Since then, her and her girlfriend broke up and she sent me an email to my old email. I had forgotten to delete my old email when I made my new one so went into the old account, found the email she sent me, II read it, found it amusing that she thought she could convince me to crawl back into her web of lies. Saying she missed being friends with me. Friends? We were never friends.

I deleted the email and then deleted the old email account as that was my original intention. The old email had terms that were associated with her so it felt good to get rid of that email.