Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2016 13:43:31 GMT 8
This is very long, but I need some insights:
I recently met someone on the dating app HER (a community for queer women and other genders), and we hit it off immediately and effortlessly. She messaged me first saying, "It was only a matter of time. How's that for an ominous introduction?" I was instantly intrigued, and we talked that first night for like four hours and then every day since then (which was October 30th). But last week we hit a snag. She re-posted something on Facebook which was someone's snooty generalisation of white people. It said something like, "white people: I'm colourblind — also white people: always complicating everything and making everything about race."
Trust me, I get it. I understand how most white people can say such well-meaning, inclusive things only to turn around and completely ignore or dismiss racism and POC issues. At the same time, making blanket assumptions like that is, in itself, making something about race, is it not? I never make generalisations about entire communities. I have never in my life said "all black people" or "all Mexicans" are this or do that. So to be lumped in with a bunch of idiotic, racially insensitive asshats just because of my skin colour hurts my feelings. And just because people of colour are the people who suffer the most in this society does not negate the feelings of the other percentage of white people who aren't racist shitpigs.
I didn't grow up in "white suburbia". I grew up in a small town where white people happened to be the minority. It was primarily Hispanic and Black. I saw the treatment they endured while in middle school and high school, and because of that — because of white assholes in authority — I had to endure the resulting animosities from them for being white. So I deeply empathise with people of colour. I didn't hate them for what they thought of me for being white; I was simply sad about it. Because of that it was imperative of me to be the best ally I could be to my fellow students who were receptive to it. I stood up for them when I could. That environment definitely didn't negate my privilege as a white person, so I always relinquished that privilege when the occasion called for it. Sometimes I was told I couldn't and sometimes I could.
Anyway, after seeing her post I started posting things on my own wall expressing my frustration with such a notion, because no matter what the reality is overall I still felt insulted. I thought, "how can she be interested in me as a Hispanic person and post such things?" Well, she wasn't happy with me for my reaction and made a new post going on about how I cannot decide what is racist because I'm not a person of colour. I think in logic and reason, so to me I don't see how skin colour has any bearing on one's ability to know what is and isn't racist. No, there isn't such a thing as "reverse racism", because a racist attitude is a racist attitude. People tend to include the problem of systemised racial oppression in the entire definition of racism, negating the fact that anyone of any colour can hold animosity towards anyone for any reason, race included.
(By the way, one of her roommates chimed in on the discussion on her post and told me, "why don't you just admit that you're a white supremacist and be done with it?" I just don't understand how someone could say that to me when nothing I said ever alluded to such a thing, nor did I insult anyone.)
Also, I have said in some of my writings that there is only one human race, and that it is beautifully diverse. Gracie interpreted that as some kind of hippie, "one love" philosophy, but that isn't what I mean at all. I am making a scientific statement when I say there is only one race. What gives us differences in appearance are phenotypes. A different race would have entirely different genetic makeup. At the same time, though, I do recognise the matter of race as a social construct, and I am not at all ignorant or dismissive of that. I am wholly conscious of social issues; I just think scientifically and philosophically about these things. I'm not un-empathetic, but I've never been very good at expressing that. As someone on the autism spectrum I suffer from something called Mind-Blindness. Wiki goes into this saying that Mind Blindness is:
"a cognitive disorder where an individual is unable to attribute mental states to the self and other. As a result of this disorder the individual may be unaware of others' mental states, or incapable in attributing beliefs and desires to others...
Theory Of Mind is the ability to attribute mental states — beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. — to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one's own.
Mind-blindness is a state where the Theory Of Mind has not been developed or is lost in an individual. The ToM is implicit in neurotypical individuals. This enables one to make automatic interpretations of events taking into consideration the mental states of people, their desires and beliefs.
...empathising includes the ability to attribute mental states and to react in an appropriate emotional manner which is appropriate to another's mental state. More deficits tend to occur in reference to one's own mental states compared to the other's mental states. It has been proposed that autistic people undergo a specific developmental delay in the area of metarepresentational development. The delay facilitates mind-blindness."
I know how that can seem like such a massive cop-out, and it isn't a wholly justified excuse, but it is what it is, and all I can do is to try to cope with it and rise above it with help. I can't do it alone.
I explained this the best I could without being too cerebral, so... we did talk about everything, and because our bond is so incredible she doesn't want to end what we have. She just feels as if her trust has been sullied, and that breaks my heart. But because of the things she explained to me, and because she's not bailing on this relationship (as far as I understand), it has made me really look at myself and my words. I've realised that no matter how enormous my heart is — how utterly sympathetic I am to these issues — I have a bad problem of coming across as insensitive and arrogant. I do not feel those things at all — they are not part of my character — so to hear these accusations from the person I care about hit me deep and hard. And, oh my God, do I love her for it. No one has ever had such an effect on me, to trigger me to become very mindful and self-reflective on how I tend to express myself. I can't always think about the Mind Blindness issue when I'm writing passionately, but I believe that will change now.
My writing is extremely important to me, because it's the best way I know how to express myself. But I promised her with such immense devotion that I will do more than my best to understand her perspectives if she would let me, be patient with me, teach me, and let me know if my words are out of line... but without being harsh about it. If I feel like I'm being punished for my thoughts then I can't help but to get defensive, and that stifles progress. She should be stern with me, but not jump to conclusions about the nature of my heart. We promised each other to hear each other out. But I know she's probably still reluctant, and I don't blame her. I was an idiot. I never want to be a source of pain to her. I just can't live with that.
She took a few days to "reboot" from this situation, and I talked to her briefly on Sunday, but I haven't heard from her since. I've sent her half a dozen things on Messenger like songs and funny gifs, asking her if she's okay, and asking her to be safe at work (because that's what we do when one of us is away), and that she can take all the time she needs. She hasn't seen any of them yet according to the Messenger receipts, so I'm guessing she's taken a break from Messenger entirely as she's recently started double shifts. Part of me wants to believe that she's just been incredibly busy with work (and sleep), but part of me also fears that I'll never hear from her again. Evidence tells me that I shouldn't have anything to worry about, but I can't help but to overthink it and panic.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom, advice, or ideas of what you think the situation might be? If you have mean things to say, please don't. My words clearly do not convey empathy very well, and untrue things are often read in them (perhaps due to one's own personal experiences), but the last thing I am is racist and insensitive/dismissive of racial oppression. Still, I can only speak what I understand through my own social and philosophical lens as you can only speak through yours.
How I observe what goes on in the world is from both a bird's eye view and by examining the deeper layers and roots of society's problems. I see what is happening on the surface — the tensions, conflicts, struggles, and sufferings — and what I see is far more a complex issue than just settling things with hostility and aggression, however warranted that may be. I'm not the kind of person who feels that these actions solve anything, but at the same time I do not believe in "turning the other cheek". Oppression most certainly warrants a defense, and often an offense. But we also need to look deeper at ourselves, and deeper into what has brought and maintained us in these conflicts.
We don't realise it, but we are all partially responsible for prolonging them. Why? Because they give us a sense of purpose. Many people don't feel a sense of purpose beyond that. Part of us wants it to end and part of us wants to keep fighting, because passion and rage are empowering. They make us feel alive. But I'm not a rage-filled person, and I know that it partly has to do with being white, privileged and un-oppressed. That doesn't mean I am incapable nor should I be disallowed to try to find real, tangible solutions.
Humanity is capable of being both beautiful and ugly, brilliant and stupid, amazing and despicable; and we're all in this together on this planet. I don't see myself as being from a nationality, or a background, or an ethnicity. I see myself as a global citizen. Your problems are my problems. My problems are your problems. We need to resolve our dissonances, stop condemning each other, and become a unified collective of individuals so that we can heal ourselves, each other, and set things right for good.
To think that I could lose someone over untrue assumptions makes my heart collapse. Even if I do lose her I am forever grateful for her making me see that my words can be problematic despite the truth behind them. I'm sure many have tried to do this before, but Gracie is the one who has finally had the ability to break through and make me see. I believe that she can do so much more for me if she is willing to see this through. To find someone again who can have this effect on me has got to be next to impossible.
Before our conflict we both expressed how we felt our meeting each other was like some kind of cosmic blessing, like we are gifts to each other. I still believe that. I hope she does, too. I've cared very deeply for past girlfriends, but what I feel for Gracie is something new. She has said the same thing. In such a short time I have developed immense love for her. It just doesn't make any sense for us to meet, form this universe-defying connection, and just drift from each other as if we were just stars on wayward orbits, colliding, expanding, and fading away. That would be the cruelest joke ever played on something so beautiful.
I recently met someone on the dating app HER (a community for queer women and other genders), and we hit it off immediately and effortlessly. She messaged me first saying, "It was only a matter of time. How's that for an ominous introduction?" I was instantly intrigued, and we talked that first night for like four hours and then every day since then (which was October 30th). But last week we hit a snag. She re-posted something on Facebook which was someone's snooty generalisation of white people. It said something like, "white people: I'm colourblind — also white people: always complicating everything and making everything about race."
Trust me, I get it. I understand how most white people can say such well-meaning, inclusive things only to turn around and completely ignore or dismiss racism and POC issues. At the same time, making blanket assumptions like that is, in itself, making something about race, is it not? I never make generalisations about entire communities. I have never in my life said "all black people" or "all Mexicans" are this or do that. So to be lumped in with a bunch of idiotic, racially insensitive asshats just because of my skin colour hurts my feelings. And just because people of colour are the people who suffer the most in this society does not negate the feelings of the other percentage of white people who aren't racist shitpigs.
I didn't grow up in "white suburbia". I grew up in a small town where white people happened to be the minority. It was primarily Hispanic and Black. I saw the treatment they endured while in middle school and high school, and because of that — because of white assholes in authority — I had to endure the resulting animosities from them for being white. So I deeply empathise with people of colour. I didn't hate them for what they thought of me for being white; I was simply sad about it. Because of that it was imperative of me to be the best ally I could be to my fellow students who were receptive to it. I stood up for them when I could. That environment definitely didn't negate my privilege as a white person, so I always relinquished that privilege when the occasion called for it. Sometimes I was told I couldn't and sometimes I could.
Anyway, after seeing her post I started posting things on my own wall expressing my frustration with such a notion, because no matter what the reality is overall I still felt insulted. I thought, "how can she be interested in me as a Hispanic person and post such things?" Well, she wasn't happy with me for my reaction and made a new post going on about how I cannot decide what is racist because I'm not a person of colour. I think in logic and reason, so to me I don't see how skin colour has any bearing on one's ability to know what is and isn't racist. No, there isn't such a thing as "reverse racism", because a racist attitude is a racist attitude. People tend to include the problem of systemised racial oppression in the entire definition of racism, negating the fact that anyone of any colour can hold animosity towards anyone for any reason, race included.
(By the way, one of her roommates chimed in on the discussion on her post and told me, "why don't you just admit that you're a white supremacist and be done with it?" I just don't understand how someone could say that to me when nothing I said ever alluded to such a thing, nor did I insult anyone.)
Also, I have said in some of my writings that there is only one human race, and that it is beautifully diverse. Gracie interpreted that as some kind of hippie, "one love" philosophy, but that isn't what I mean at all. I am making a scientific statement when I say there is only one race. What gives us differences in appearance are phenotypes. A different race would have entirely different genetic makeup. At the same time, though, I do recognise the matter of race as a social construct, and I am not at all ignorant or dismissive of that. I am wholly conscious of social issues; I just think scientifically and philosophically about these things. I'm not un-empathetic, but I've never been very good at expressing that. As someone on the autism spectrum I suffer from something called Mind-Blindness. Wiki goes into this saying that Mind Blindness is:
"a cognitive disorder where an individual is unable to attribute mental states to the self and other. As a result of this disorder the individual may be unaware of others' mental states, or incapable in attributing beliefs and desires to others...
Theory Of Mind is the ability to attribute mental states — beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc. — to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one's own.
Mind-blindness is a state where the Theory Of Mind has not been developed or is lost in an individual. The ToM is implicit in neurotypical individuals. This enables one to make automatic interpretations of events taking into consideration the mental states of people, their desires and beliefs.
...empathising includes the ability to attribute mental states and to react in an appropriate emotional manner which is appropriate to another's mental state. More deficits tend to occur in reference to one's own mental states compared to the other's mental states. It has been proposed that autistic people undergo a specific developmental delay in the area of metarepresentational development. The delay facilitates mind-blindness."
I know how that can seem like such a massive cop-out, and it isn't a wholly justified excuse, but it is what it is, and all I can do is to try to cope with it and rise above it with help. I can't do it alone.
I explained this the best I could without being too cerebral, so... we did talk about everything, and because our bond is so incredible she doesn't want to end what we have. She just feels as if her trust has been sullied, and that breaks my heart. But because of the things she explained to me, and because she's not bailing on this relationship (as far as I understand), it has made me really look at myself and my words. I've realised that no matter how enormous my heart is — how utterly sympathetic I am to these issues — I have a bad problem of coming across as insensitive and arrogant. I do not feel those things at all — they are not part of my character — so to hear these accusations from the person I care about hit me deep and hard. And, oh my God, do I love her for it. No one has ever had such an effect on me, to trigger me to become very mindful and self-reflective on how I tend to express myself. I can't always think about the Mind Blindness issue when I'm writing passionately, but I believe that will change now.
My writing is extremely important to me, because it's the best way I know how to express myself. But I promised her with such immense devotion that I will do more than my best to understand her perspectives if she would let me, be patient with me, teach me, and let me know if my words are out of line... but without being harsh about it. If I feel like I'm being punished for my thoughts then I can't help but to get defensive, and that stifles progress. She should be stern with me, but not jump to conclusions about the nature of my heart. We promised each other to hear each other out. But I know she's probably still reluctant, and I don't blame her. I was an idiot. I never want to be a source of pain to her. I just can't live with that.
She took a few days to "reboot" from this situation, and I talked to her briefly on Sunday, but I haven't heard from her since. I've sent her half a dozen things on Messenger like songs and funny gifs, asking her if she's okay, and asking her to be safe at work (because that's what we do when one of us is away), and that she can take all the time she needs. She hasn't seen any of them yet according to the Messenger receipts, so I'm guessing she's taken a break from Messenger entirely as she's recently started double shifts. Part of me wants to believe that she's just been incredibly busy with work (and sleep), but part of me also fears that I'll never hear from her again. Evidence tells me that I shouldn't have anything to worry about, but I can't help but to overthink it and panic.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom, advice, or ideas of what you think the situation might be? If you have mean things to say, please don't. My words clearly do not convey empathy very well, and untrue things are often read in them (perhaps due to one's own personal experiences), but the last thing I am is racist and insensitive/dismissive of racial oppression. Still, I can only speak what I understand through my own social and philosophical lens as you can only speak through yours.
How I observe what goes on in the world is from both a bird's eye view and by examining the deeper layers and roots of society's problems. I see what is happening on the surface — the tensions, conflicts, struggles, and sufferings — and what I see is far more a complex issue than just settling things with hostility and aggression, however warranted that may be. I'm not the kind of person who feels that these actions solve anything, but at the same time I do not believe in "turning the other cheek". Oppression most certainly warrants a defense, and often an offense. But we also need to look deeper at ourselves, and deeper into what has brought and maintained us in these conflicts.
We don't realise it, but we are all partially responsible for prolonging them. Why? Because they give us a sense of purpose. Many people don't feel a sense of purpose beyond that. Part of us wants it to end and part of us wants to keep fighting, because passion and rage are empowering. They make us feel alive. But I'm not a rage-filled person, and I know that it partly has to do with being white, privileged and un-oppressed. That doesn't mean I am incapable nor should I be disallowed to try to find real, tangible solutions.
Humanity is capable of being both beautiful and ugly, brilliant and stupid, amazing and despicable; and we're all in this together on this planet. I don't see myself as being from a nationality, or a background, or an ethnicity. I see myself as a global citizen. Your problems are my problems. My problems are your problems. We need to resolve our dissonances, stop condemning each other, and become a unified collective of individuals so that we can heal ourselves, each other, and set things right for good.
To think that I could lose someone over untrue assumptions makes my heart collapse. Even if I do lose her I am forever grateful for her making me see that my words can be problematic despite the truth behind them. I'm sure many have tried to do this before, but Gracie is the one who has finally had the ability to break through and make me see. I believe that she can do so much more for me if she is willing to see this through. To find someone again who can have this effect on me has got to be next to impossible.
Before our conflict we both expressed how we felt our meeting each other was like some kind of cosmic blessing, like we are gifts to each other. I still believe that. I hope she does, too. I've cared very deeply for past girlfriends, but what I feel for Gracie is something new. She has said the same thing. In such a short time I have developed immense love for her. It just doesn't make any sense for us to meet, form this universe-defying connection, and just drift from each other as if we were just stars on wayward orbits, colliding, expanding, and fading away. That would be the cruelest joke ever played on something so beautiful.
