[ti]sad[/ti]TW body issues

[Cypres]

I never know where to put my stuff, maybe it fits here... or a least I hope so.

Trigger Warning

I have to communicate something, it is not that I did not try to talk to anybody about this before, but nobody seemed to get the problem so far or at least let say I wasn’t able to explain the gravity of the problem. When I started on low doses of t everything was a bit stressful for my body but it seemed to go fine. Then not totally unexpected a lot of the abusive ways my body has been treated resurfaced and it grew into a strong unreasonable fear of being raped again or triggering somebody else. It appears to fade a little now, but I have been dealing with this for the past 3 years and was not able to share it very well. I think the main reason is, I don’t and can’t talk about much of my past sexual history and that appeared to be a necessary requirement in order to be understood. Anyways, what happened is that my body broke down and I developed a since three years not healing chronic yeast and bacterial infection problem which right now I have to manage on a daily basis in order to make it bearable, but it seems my body lacks the strength to get itself back together.
This in turn, somewhat protects me (because it made me avoid any bodily contact to people which might trigger me), but also made everything worse, cause now I do not only have additional bodily discomfort but also I always feel I am disgusting (which matches all too well with the idea of being disgusting because trans) and could infect somebody else. Oh my, I just realized the additional dimension of the continuance of violence, maybe I am afraid to past my traumas on? Anyhow I am so lost with this and doctors where no help at all. The last suggestion I got was stoping T, but I was also in between put on local estrogen, which did not make the situation in any way better. And weirdly or understandably I don’t want it to be the T, please, that would mean it is all my fault and it can’t be my fault … Also this overshadows my transition to such a huge extend, that I think it was all a bad idea … but at this point I can’t go back either ...
My last chance now is to change apartments, because while it’s likely that it is psycho-somatic to some extend, it also started when the construction at my house started. And since then I have developed other chronic health issues as well. So I finally found a new place into which I will move at the beginning of next year and I am so afraid that this might not help, because then I am out of options, there is nothing left I could to, except maybe go to a clinic and do trauma therapy, but I am not ready for this, I fucking can’t …

[Trinity]

Oh shit.

You are not the only one, by far, on this board that has been raped, that has acute body dysphoria, and that needs the hormones.

Blaming yourself for ANY of this is not helpful. Accepting that it happened, and that you are doing the best you can to deal with it, is about the best any of us know what to do with.

its kind of a day to day thing, isn't it. I have to be careful about my own past, and how it affects my present, and my future. It can get a bit debilitating at times.

Even if we don't get it, or understand it, or have been through it, please keep sharing about it, there usually is something in getting it out that can help.

I had to learn it was ok to be me, and forgive myself for not having protected me. I failed to protect me, and I failed to protect my daughters from the bad guys, although I did give them a fighting chance. I can't do anything about that now, except be there for them in the now, and be there for myself as well.

I am so angry with myself for trying not to be trans, for running from myself, for losing my first career and all it could have been for me and others. But it is the way it played out, and I did get a lot as a result.

You can't predict really where the health thing will go, but we can't give up trying to get healthy, can we. We just do the best we can.

Hang in there.

Trinity.

[Cypres]

thanks. How did you forgive yourself? I feel I can't ... but then as said above I never had the courage to really talk it through whith someone, I just keep it locked, that makes it somewhat "not really happened". But honestly I am proud that I wrote it here, it the furthest I have ever come on bringing it up as a topic

[Trinity]

Nov 22, 2016 3:19:54 GMT 8 Cypres said:

thanks. How did you forgive yourself? I feel I can't ... but then as said above I never had the courage to really talk it through whith someone, I just keep it locked, that makes it somewhat "not really happened". But honestly I am proud that I wrote it here, it the furthest I have ever come on bringing it up as a topic

I realized that i was an innocent child and sh'e needed to be loved, not hated for failing to do something sh'e couldnt handle.  I realized i/he did not have the tools i needed to face life, i had no guidance, and what i was taught to hate in me was actually beautiful.    That nobody understood who and what i was so they tried to fix what was never broken.

And now, i have to love that child back to life.  And i did.  Because he/sh'e needed to be loved.  And now i am.  By me.  I love the child i was, the poor thing, i would pick him up and hold him if i could, and whisper in their ear that they are heautiful, and loving, and very, very special, and the bullies that hurt h'er have gone away, and i will never let them hurt him/h'er again.

Not ever.

[Jennifer (Tink)]

Cypres, first and foremost I am so sorry to hear about your past. Life and people can be so cruel.

I can empathize with a few of your experiences. I have talked openly here about most of my past, there are still a few things I don't have the strength to share. Maybe in time I can.

However, keep in mind what I am about to say in NO WAY diminishes the horrendous things that happened. I would never diminish that in the least. My father is getting along in years and he is going through his end of life cycle (or at least that is how he is acting). He said to me at one point, "I am so sorry for what I did to you and I wish it never would have happened". I looked at him and said "If it weren't for my past I wouldn't be the strong successful person I am today". Who knows what would have happened if my past was different. But I don't take any day for granted anymore. And even more than that, I realize that my experiences from the past can help others with their struggles.

We never know why we are put on this earth, but there is always a plan, a reason and purpose for why we are here. I truly believe that. Whether you realize it or not, you are strong, you have survived and continue to push on. Keep fighting the fight and let yourself forgive yourself. Although forgiving yourself implies you did anything wrong in the first place.

Keep strong, lean on us, shout, cry, scream and curse to the sky. I have always believed in the power of moving the things from your brain to paper in order to empty the shit so it doesn't corrupt.

We are here for you. Trans / non binary or not everyone here can help each other.

:hugs:

-- Jenn

[Cypres]

thank you for your messages. I guess at some point I should work through it and as Tink wrote "shout, cry, scream and curse to the sky", unfortunately I am not there yet ... and well I did a couple of years of therapy already, but didn't get there at all. I felt it was easier to write it here. : )