Want to help a friend, need some advice

[Jennifer (Tink)]

I have a cismale friend who went through a divorce a few years back. He means the world to me as he is my closest friend and has accepted who I am unconditionally.

I can see he is hurting. He has a very bad view of the world and is afraid of getting hurt again. Every time I bring up the fact that he gives great advice I ask him "So why don't you take your own advice?" His response has always been "Because I can't trust myself. I thought I knew what I was doing and who I was when I got married. But that was the single biggest mistake I have  ever made. So how can I trust myself when I was so wrong?"

I have tried to ask him to look inside and answer one simple question "Do you love yourself?" He never answers it.

I really want to see him happy again. He is such an awesome person and is an incredible role model. Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do to help aid him in trying to find the strength to love himself again?

-- Jennifer

[Valerie]

My best advice is to keep encouraging him to take some time of just working on himself and loving himself. That's really all you can do is encourage him, no one can change him, but himself. He's gotta want to take the time to work on himself, and love himself. It's no easy path, but he's gotta want to do it for himself.

So as I said just keep encouraging him in taking the journey of self love, or give him advice of like affirmations of looking in the mirror and pointing out things about himself he likes, or maybe suggest start journaling, or writing. Or even just suggest for him to try counseling, and get things figured out.

[Jennifer (Tink)]

Jul 28, 2016 22:27:32 GMT 8 Valerie said:

My best advice is to keep encouraging him to take some time of just working on himself and loving himself. That's really all you can do is encourage him, no one can change him, but himself. He's gotta want to take the time to work on himself, and love himself. It's no easy path, but he's gotta want to do it for himself.

So as I said just keep encouraging him in taking the journey of self love, or give him advice of like affirmations of looking in the mirror and pointing out things about himself he likes, or maybe suggest start journaling, or writing. Or even just suggest for him to try counseling, and get things figured out.

All awesome advice. I will try to keep reminding him that he is worth it !
And that if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have been brave enough to take the steps I have to be happy !

Thank you

-- Jennifer

[EchelonHunt]

First of all, we must accept that we cannot change others. All we can do, as Valerie suggested, is offer encouragement, unconditional love and support.

People hate being told the obvious, they know the sun is shining behind the cloudy skies, they don't need to be told this fact. It is the same with forcing positivity upon someone who is unable to utilise it to their advantage yet, it can drive them further away rather than help them.

Your friend will be happy again, it will just take time - just like it took you time to get where you are today.

It took me years to reach the level of happiness, self-acceptance and regained self-esteem where I am today. It's not 100% resolved, I still have some issues, still have depression, anxiety and dysphoria but it doesn't weigh me down like it did everyday before.

It just takes time. It's a delicate process.

If he isn't already, ask him to pursue something he is passionate about in his life. Maybe he enjoys drawing, writing, helping others, travelling, going to the movies, etc. If he opens up to you, listen and validate what he says, what he's feeling.

People, more than anything, want their feelings to be validated, to know that they aren't crazy, that their fears aren't crazy, that they aren't alone, that someone out there cares and will happily listen to their rambling.

Your friend WILL be happy again, it will, like all things, just take time.

[Taka]

he says he thought he knew who he was back then. maybe he was even right at that time, from all that he knew atthe time, that was the only conclusion he could reach about himself.

but we all learn new things as time passes, so we will change. the key to happiness is understanding that the you that made inexperienced mistakes was actually a different person from who you are right now, after learning from the mistake.

we can all forgive the young people who do stupid things because they didn't know better. life isn't about trusting yourself, it is forgiving the inexperienced younger self, because they really didn't know better. and then making new choices fully aware that the outcome may not at all be what you wish or hope, but still knowing that for the you right now, this is the best option with the least regrets even if it goes wrong.

though it often takes a trip to hell tolearn this, and the strengthto come back to truly understand and apply it to life.

forgiving yourself is always the first step. and it's the hardest one too. in hindsight, you see all the other choices you could have made, all the things you "should" have known. it's better for the mind to own up to you choices and accept that you didn't know better at the time, thus making your choice quite right for you, at the time when you made it.

trusting yourself is something you learn after going through that process.

happiness is more of a world view than a state of mind. i make sure that i make my own choices, and that they can't be blamed on others forcing me. even if someone tries to force me and i yield, that is because i judge this a better solution than running away or dying, so still my choice. this is my happiness, even when the future looks rather bleak. an intense feeling of happiness isn't needed.