Trinity - Holly Woodlawn Memorial - The Warhol group
May 15, 2016 9:22:30 GMT 8
EchelonHunt, Leena, and 2 more like this
Post by Trinity on May 15, 2016 9:22:30 GMT 8
Forgive me this part will be self serving and narcissistic. Its also because of YOU that I lived to tell the tale... this is the result of the years of gender input you have gifted to me.
I found myself in a new way tonight, a way I did not know. I was invited to Holly Woodlawn's memorial for the Warhol crowd, it was a great honor to be invited, but I was. Evidently I touched some hearts too last time I went. Last time I went with my hair on.
This time I did not. I went as Trinity. Not a part of Trinity, but as Trinity. Trinity as I understand h'er now.
Holly and Jackie - and Candy for that matter, never did do the ops. They were not into boxes or labels, I guess, they were into being themselves, into living. I found out from their friends tonight the inside places of their lives told by those who worked alongside them. And I got hugs from these people....
But as to me, presentationally, for what its worth, I went out with my nice skirt I wear to AA, my most comfortable blouse, and a black sweater that is covered in black sequins, very theatrical, very me. Black stockings and heels. (Walking 10 blocks in those in NY hurts...). Full makeup, but my full makeup isnt glitz its far more feminine than that. I am not into caricature I am into truth.
So I went with my friend and star Melba Larose to the memorial at LaMama on the lower east side. LaMama is the queen of the avante gard theater, the cream of the dream, so to speak. The top theater in the world for it.
The producer had met me the time before and I guess in the feminine love I have for everyone in that in me that is fully sh'e, and has become me, it was memorable. It was touching, I had the chance to express my thanks, and to put my arm around him again in a geniune loving touch. It was a special moment. Thank you Jeremiah.
Melba and I stuck together, and floated afterwards. I don't meet people well and back in the day under my old stage name, I would be on stage and trying to impress people. I don't need to do that anymore.
All I did was grin ear to ear and enjoy the people, and they were enjoying me. The loving fairy inside me is looking out from within, the healed she in me that was so terribly wounded three years ago and for a half century, she was enjoying the attention, the old female maternal one was enjoying her attention, the old actor within, he was quietly grinning ear to ear too, because he was back where his heart has always been. Far from the super hero, he was back on the boards. When I came in I carressed the woodwork in the historic theater, it was a wonderful moment.
There was posturing around, cattiness, the games were played, and I didn't care. I wasn't there for that. I was there to have fun and meet people, some incredibly beautiful transfolks were there, some wonderful queer folk too. Genderqueer. We were all there. And it was described to me as family, but because of my connection and friendship with Melba, and because nonbinary transsexuals are exotic in beauty, I got an awful lot of attention.
It was incredible. Writers, directors, the press, actors, producers, filmmakers.... and not that many there but it was who they were that was so amazing to me. And now they have met Trinity. They have seen me eye to eye, and what was in me was no longer fear, caused by my gender, nor ego, nor being a star, but just the loving Trinity, locking eyes gently, enjoying watching as the eyes looking back softened, relaxed, and talked of their fond memories of Candy, and Jackie, and especially of the rather wild Holly Woodlawn.
But what I enjoyed most, beside becoming instantly known again, and validated as Trinity, and told by everyone that I was quite beautiful in this vulnerable loving way that I have when I am free and fully me, fully a nonbinary transperson, fluid, real, sh'e. What I enjoyed most, was the recognition in the eyes looking back at me from the Warhol stars, that they were seeing kindness and love and something rare in the theater. Something Melba also has.
Melba is developing a new show for world tour. I will be involved in some small way, even if its just talking about the script. I will have creative input.
It was a remarkable day for me. But instead of hiding behind a wig and a persona, I got to be me.
I found myself today. I really did, everything that I am, that sh'e is, who I truly am, this kindhearted old actor from long ago, this outstretched hand of kindness and firey passion for the art of the political avant gard theater, and this gentle warrior for trans that I aspire to be, it all fell into place tonight.
I can work as an androgynous guy, I can't really get to fully he. I can live at home as Trinity with h'er makeup off, wearing any clothing that I care to have on, just like some do in the Warhol group, and I can go out as she, if I want to, wig on, to disguise myself from prying family eyes. But once clear of the prying eyes, I can put on my skirt and heels, if I wish, and find the stars of Off Off Broadway and the avante gard, and those who are still out there making true art, real theater, and I can once again be accepted in a way that makes this life I live and the pain I endured worth every moment it took.
You are the ones that found me heading headlong into the binary, the all or nothing transition. I did transition completely, but I remain an androgyne, if you want, or a nonbinary woman, if you want, or whatever you want to try to label me as. But you gave me my entire gender, my entire self. And you found a way to break through all that bitterness and agony of the past, all the forced gender, all the horror of my childhood, finding once again the little boy that couldn't understand why he was different from the other boys, because I am sh'e. Not she, not he, but sh'e. Regardless of what aspect I choose to reveal of h'er.
Sh'e is so much more than the aspects of gender. I got to look people in the eye, and without exception, they melted.
I am so deeply greatful for this. Yes I know I am on an intense hormone high, and that may contribute to some of it. But I think it is just what has been there all along. And I am not letting anyone take it from me again.
New chapters of life will be written, they may not involve working again in theater, but that door is so wide open right now. Now is the time to prepare for the rest of my life, and I know that I will continue to watch this wild little group, and if I am fortunate, to accompany my dear friend Melba, the original star of Glamor Glory and Gold, to other happenings, and to not only watch some of the history of theater and trans, but to be part of it in a cathartic way, and to rejoice that they embraced me as one of their own.
It wasn't much to be sure. But there was no close out, no on stage. I was a part of. Never have I felt that way with that kind of inclusiveness. I belonged there, and everyone knew it.
Loving blessings and warm kisses tonight (Ok that's sh'e and sh'e is very high on estrogen lol)
Thank you for letting me be so selfish as to write this. But it was exciting, and I am sure I will be very embarrassed about it tomorrow, and the incredibly ego it takes to talk about love and being loved like this. But my darlings, do you see what love can do? That is my core, it always was. And I hope you find yours too, don't ever let anyone take it away from you. Be your core, be the diamond hearts of trans.
Trinity Satin Joy
I found myself in a new way tonight, a way I did not know. I was invited to Holly Woodlawn's memorial for the Warhol crowd, it was a great honor to be invited, but I was. Evidently I touched some hearts too last time I went. Last time I went with my hair on.
This time I did not. I went as Trinity. Not a part of Trinity, but as Trinity. Trinity as I understand h'er now.
Holly and Jackie - and Candy for that matter, never did do the ops. They were not into boxes or labels, I guess, they were into being themselves, into living. I found out from their friends tonight the inside places of their lives told by those who worked alongside them. And I got hugs from these people....
But as to me, presentationally, for what its worth, I went out with my nice skirt I wear to AA, my most comfortable blouse, and a black sweater that is covered in black sequins, very theatrical, very me. Black stockings and heels. (Walking 10 blocks in those in NY hurts...). Full makeup, but my full makeup isnt glitz its far more feminine than that. I am not into caricature I am into truth.
So I went with my friend and star Melba Larose to the memorial at LaMama on the lower east side. LaMama is the queen of the avante gard theater, the cream of the dream, so to speak. The top theater in the world for it.
The producer had met me the time before and I guess in the feminine love I have for everyone in that in me that is fully sh'e, and has become me, it was memorable. It was touching, I had the chance to express my thanks, and to put my arm around him again in a geniune loving touch. It was a special moment. Thank you Jeremiah.
Melba and I stuck together, and floated afterwards. I don't meet people well and back in the day under my old stage name, I would be on stage and trying to impress people. I don't need to do that anymore.
All I did was grin ear to ear and enjoy the people, and they were enjoying me. The loving fairy inside me is looking out from within, the healed she in me that was so terribly wounded three years ago and for a half century, she was enjoying the attention, the old female maternal one was enjoying her attention, the old actor within, he was quietly grinning ear to ear too, because he was back where his heart has always been. Far from the super hero, he was back on the boards. When I came in I carressed the woodwork in the historic theater, it was a wonderful moment.
There was posturing around, cattiness, the games were played, and I didn't care. I wasn't there for that. I was there to have fun and meet people, some incredibly beautiful transfolks were there, some wonderful queer folk too. Genderqueer. We were all there. And it was described to me as family, but because of my connection and friendship with Melba, and because nonbinary transsexuals are exotic in beauty, I got an awful lot of attention.
It was incredible. Writers, directors, the press, actors, producers, filmmakers.... and not that many there but it was who they were that was so amazing to me. And now they have met Trinity. They have seen me eye to eye, and what was in me was no longer fear, caused by my gender, nor ego, nor being a star, but just the loving Trinity, locking eyes gently, enjoying watching as the eyes looking back softened, relaxed, and talked of their fond memories of Candy, and Jackie, and especially of the rather wild Holly Woodlawn.
But what I enjoyed most, beside becoming instantly known again, and validated as Trinity, and told by everyone that I was quite beautiful in this vulnerable loving way that I have when I am free and fully me, fully a nonbinary transperson, fluid, real, sh'e. What I enjoyed most, was the recognition in the eyes looking back at me from the Warhol stars, that they were seeing kindness and love and something rare in the theater. Something Melba also has.
Melba is developing a new show for world tour. I will be involved in some small way, even if its just talking about the script. I will have creative input.
It was a remarkable day for me. But instead of hiding behind a wig and a persona, I got to be me.
I found myself today. I really did, everything that I am, that sh'e is, who I truly am, this kindhearted old actor from long ago, this outstretched hand of kindness and firey passion for the art of the political avant gard theater, and this gentle warrior for trans that I aspire to be, it all fell into place tonight.
I can work as an androgynous guy, I can't really get to fully he. I can live at home as Trinity with h'er makeup off, wearing any clothing that I care to have on, just like some do in the Warhol group, and I can go out as she, if I want to, wig on, to disguise myself from prying family eyes. But once clear of the prying eyes, I can put on my skirt and heels, if I wish, and find the stars of Off Off Broadway and the avante gard, and those who are still out there making true art, real theater, and I can once again be accepted in a way that makes this life I live and the pain I endured worth every moment it took.
You are the ones that found me heading headlong into the binary, the all or nothing transition. I did transition completely, but I remain an androgyne, if you want, or a nonbinary woman, if you want, or whatever you want to try to label me as. But you gave me my entire gender, my entire self. And you found a way to break through all that bitterness and agony of the past, all the forced gender, all the horror of my childhood, finding once again the little boy that couldn't understand why he was different from the other boys, because I am sh'e. Not she, not he, but sh'e. Regardless of what aspect I choose to reveal of h'er.
Sh'e is so much more than the aspects of gender. I got to look people in the eye, and without exception, they melted.
I am so deeply greatful for this. Yes I know I am on an intense hormone high, and that may contribute to some of it. But I think it is just what has been there all along. And I am not letting anyone take it from me again.
New chapters of life will be written, they may not involve working again in theater, but that door is so wide open right now. Now is the time to prepare for the rest of my life, and I know that I will continue to watch this wild little group, and if I am fortunate, to accompany my dear friend Melba, the original star of Glamor Glory and Gold, to other happenings, and to not only watch some of the history of theater and trans, but to be part of it in a cathartic way, and to rejoice that they embraced me as one of their own.
It wasn't much to be sure. But there was no close out, no on stage. I was a part of. Never have I felt that way with that kind of inclusiveness. I belonged there, and everyone knew it.
Loving blessings and warm kisses tonight (Ok that's sh'e and sh'e is very high on estrogen lol)
Thank you for letting me be so selfish as to write this. But it was exciting, and I am sure I will be very embarrassed about it tomorrow, and the incredibly ego it takes to talk about love and being loved like this. But my darlings, do you see what love can do? That is my core, it always was. And I hope you find yours too, don't ever let anyone take it away from you. Be your core, be the diamond hearts of trans.
Trinity Satin Joy
