Post by Ayla on Mar 27, 2016 6:42:22 GMT 8
feminina.eu/2016/03/18/help-im-transgender-and-want-to-transition-but-i-cant-what-can-i-do/
An extensive exploration of 'cross dreamers' ... skipping to the concluding pages
"Conclusions
Felix (and Cristy) are very careful to explain that their approaches and explanations are not meant for those suffering from severe gender dysphoria — ‘severe’, in this context, meaning that the person cannot continue to live as their assigned gender, and their only alternative to transition is suicide. Such cases ought to be screened out, preferably as early as possible (ideally, before puberty), and dealt with using hormonal treatments and/or surgery — the only established means of ‘treatment’ of severe gender dysphoria, and which is appropriate for early onset transexuals.
They also apply the same reasoning and logic to so-called late onset transexuals. Here we usually deal with people who have been repressing their gender identity for decades and trying very hard to ‘fit’ to a gender role that they don’t identify with in the least. While late onset transexuals might not have been always depressed and anxious, it’s clear that they led a life of suffering, of repression, of suppressing their innermost feelings, and have done so for decades. At some point in their lives, this will simply ‘blow up’ — they cannot continue to ‘pretend’ any longer. They might nevertheless continue to play their assigned role because of children, a job, and so forth, but once they feel that there is no ‘need’ to continue the pretense, they wish to transition. Again, the diagnosis of severe gender dysphoria ought to be established before the transition is made.
Then there are those crossdreamers who are under the influence of the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog. Let’s not minimise those effects; no matter how ‘funny’ those names sound, they are no laughing matter. The urge to become a woman can be so strong that it does, indeed, trigger gender dysphoria with all its symptoms, often at the same time as depression, anxiety, compulsive-obsessive behaviour, and so forth. At that stage, it all becomes a question of wordplay: is such an individual gender dysphoric and requires treatment, or did that individual develop gender dysphoria, and now requires treatment?
As we know, Blanchard had the same issue as well. The difference here is that we got rid of the whole baggage of trying to ‘fit’ those late onset transexuals into some kind of paraphiliac nonsense. In fact, Felix believes that it’s silly to even make a difference between ‘early onset transexuals’ and ‘late onset transexuals’ — transexuals are transexuals, no matter what, and the diagnosis and treatment is exactly the same for both; so why bother labeling them differently? In effect, these days, psychologists prefer to simply diagnose ‘a certain degree of gender dysphoria’, no matter when exactly those symptoms became apparent, and people with gender dysphoria are treated according to the severity of the symptoms they have (and what they are willing to do) — each case being a case, all different, even if they might share the same symptoms.
We don’t have a word, or a label, or a category to place those people who do, indeed, exhibit many (or all) the symptoms of gender dysphoria, but in a milder way, in the sense that they might be able to cope with the idea that they will be ‘stuck’ in their current bodies for the rest of their lives. We can say that they are non-transitioning transexuals, if we wish. Felix and Cristy, however, believe that they are not transexual as well; it’s the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog that makes them ‘believe’ to be transexual, while in reality they aren’t.
It’s hard to counter their arguments, because, indeed, most of us who are in touch with that ‘inner female self’, and finally are able to express that ‘inner female self’ — and that means ‘coming out’ — the result is an intense feeling of freedom, of liberty from constraints set upon ourselves for so many decades. Finally things ‘feel right’, for a change. And… it’s also exciting, thrilling, even erotic.
It’s very easy, therefore, to be so thoroughly immersed in that sense of well-being, in that euphoric state of enjoying manifesting one’s femininity, that we might become prey to the Pink Fog. Cristy says that it works almost like an addiction: because it makes us feel good, we wish to do it more and more — and at some point, we might truly and utterly believe that we’d be much better off if we simply transitioned.
I know several people who are exactly like that. Some have transitioned, with mixed results. Some are planning to. And some have not, for various reasons. I believe that there is clearly a spectrum here, from ‘very mild gender dysphoria’ (we might feel that we identify with the female gender, but it doesn’t really worry us much, and we stick to ‘being male’ because it’s much easier to go through life acting a role that is expected by everybody else from a person with our kind of physical body), to ‘mild-to-serious gender dysphoria’ (when we clearly experience ‘being female’ as a much better alternative than ‘being male’, and this causes us anxiety and depression) to ‘severe gender dysphoria’ (when the option is to transition or commit suicide).
Cristy and Felix, therefore, are warning us that what we perceive as gender dysphoria might not really be ‘the real thing’, but merely our mind playing tricks because ‘being female’ is so much better for us than ‘being male’ — this is the essence of the consequences of letting the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog ‘take over’. As said, Felix proposes to keep it at bay by identifying ‘merely as a transgender person’ — not a male, nor a female, but an individual that can express both, and can create their own identity based on the assumption that they are not either male or female — they can be both, either at once, or manifested in different times, or mixing the best from each, and so forth.
Personally, I like their explanations very much. The sensation of when the Glamourpuss ‘takes over’ is real. In general, I’m not a very obsessive person — but, like everybody else (I guess), I had my moments of obsession. In most cases these were connected to romantic relationships, but I can also admit being ‘temporarily obsessed’ with a certain task I have to complete, no matter what. I can get obsessed with a topic, an idea, a book. Sometimes this is a positive kind of obsession (in the sense that we learn something from the experience, and, by keeping it in our focus, we give it our undivided attention, therefore getting more out of it), but more often obsessions are not healthy. And in this case, I have to grudgingly admit that the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog is ‘unhealthy’ for me: when I ‘give in’ to it, then I tend to spend too much money on things that I cannot afford; I tend to endlessly pine for future events where I can present myself as female, and these will be constantly on my mind; I reach out for the comfort from other crossdreamers (either ‘merely crossdressers’ or those in transition or planning to do so), which in turn reinforces the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog; and, yes, I tend to blog a lot or spend hours on Facebook discussing these things ????
Not only it’s not healthy, but, over the years, I feel that I need more and more. Like many addictions, as soon as you reach a certain plateaux, it is never enough and you need more. At some point, when you routinely go out shopping for food in plain broadlight every day, dressed as a woman, and spend all hours away from work dressed casually as a woman at home, well, then it’s reasonable to ask why not to take the small step to become a woman 24h/7, since one might already be a woman 16h/7?
The problem is that this kind of obsession might not be realistic, in the sense that once transition is over… what now? Such people will continue to wish for more surgeries, to become ‘more female’, and they will have a sense of permanent insatisfaction all their lives — there is always another dress to buy, there is always a new diet (in order to fit in that dress!), and as the consequences of aging start to manifest themselves, it means constantly obsessing with ways to remain healthy and reasonably good-looking… but it will never be enough.
So what Cristy and Felix are saying is that someone experiencing gender dysphoria needs to be very careful about evaluating their situation, and see how much this ‘obsession with becoming a woman’ is really a consequence of gender dysphoria, or if it’s just that — an obsession, coming from addiction-like symptoms, which also produce symptoms that are the same as the ones produced by gender dysphoria. However, obsessions and addictive behaviour can be treated, while gender dysphoria cannot — that’s the huge difference!
Samuel Killermann, in his book The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide to Gender, has a chapter that asks the question: ‘How To Diagnose Someone As Transgender’. And the answer? ‘You can’t’. Killermann goes further to explain why you can’t diagnose that (and I certainly suggest that you buy his book and read it; it’s very funny to read, even though the subject is dead serious).
Therefore I see that Felix is a bit more interesting in his classifications. Cristy tends to limit the whole MtF spectrum to four kinds of people: crossdressers who do it for sexual pleasure only (therefore, outside the whole ‘gender identity’ thing), ‘recreational’ crossdressers (those who clearly identify as male but enjoy presenting themselves as female because it’s fun, entertaining, thrilling, exciting, etc. for them), ‘addicted’ crossdressers (those who are confused about their gender identity and suffer from the Pink Fog which makes them believe to be females trapped in men’s bodies and eventually attempt transition), and transexuals (those who have always identified as female since birth and just wish to make their bodies better aligned to the gender they identify with).
Felix considers all of these ‘transgender’ — simply because, at some level, they are not following the male role stereotype at 100%. A simple example: a man that dresses as a woman to have sexual pleasure is not part of the cisgender heteronormative (stereotyped) male gender role. Men simply do not do that — even if it’s just for sexual pleasure and has nothing to do with ‘identity’.
But Felix also recognises the big difference between what Cristy calls ‘recreational’ and ‘addicted’ crossdressers, and explains it the same way: it’s the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog that drives someone who might merely be a ‘recreational’ crossdresser to become ‘addicted’ to the glamour of ‘looking like a woman’, and make them believe that they ought to become women. Cristy still thinks that these people are ‘merely crossdressers’ — just misguided ones — and she considers herself to be very lucky to have ‘snapped out of it’ (my words, not hers) and avoided transitioning for the wrong reasons. Felix, by contrast, just considers ‘crossdressing’ the external manifestation — all those people are transgender. Some identify with the male gender (but still crossdress); some identify with the female gender (and might opt for transition); the problem is with those who are ‘confused’ and under the influence of the Pink Fog and are starting to believe that they should identify with the female gender instead. For those, Felix recommends a method to get them to identify with ‘being transgender’ instead of ‘being female’. That’s the main difference between Cristy and Felix.
Although I believe that both are pretty much describing the same thing, just using different words, but Felix is a bit more careful in his choice of words. That’s why he prefers to start his assumptions with ‘crossdreaming’ (which describes something related to the ‘inner self’) as opposed to ‘crossdressing’ (which is merely the act of wearing clothes of a different gender — there is no implication about how that person actually feels about it, or what kind of gender identity or sexuality they have); and, among crossdreamers, he suggests that some are really in need of transitioning (becoming legally ‘transexual’) while others are just deluded, and should remain in their current gender role — but accept that this gender role is not necessarily ‘male’ or ‘female’, just ‘transgender’, which can be expressed in several different ways. This is the main point of Felix’s assumptions: you can present yourself as female for as often as you like, without assuming that you are ‘female’, but merely by accepting that you are ‘transgender’, and that your identity and inner self is neither truly male, nor is it truly female.
It’s tough, but there is something quite persuading about this kind of explanation.
How this personally affects me
Sandra posingA bit like Cristy, when I started searching for things related to gender identity on the Internet, there were really just two choices in the 1990s: you were either a crossdresser, or a transexual. There was really no ‘middle term’ — or, to be more precise, you would not find many texts describing someone in the middle of those extremes.
Because by then I had no urge to commit suicide if I didn’t transition, I did opt for the ‘crossdresser’ label, since it reflected a bit more of what I actually did. On a daily basis, I would just dream of being a woman, and that certainly excited me; being able to ‘become’ the woman I dreamed about (wearing dresses, a wig, high heelsand some makeup) was very exciting, at the beginning in a clearly erotic way.
But of course I did also dream of becoming that woman I dreamed about. It was just not financially feasible yet — when I ‘discovered’ that I was a crossdresser, I still lived with my parents. So I thought that I needed to make a lot of money, not only to pay for surgeries and such, but to be able to survive without a job until the end of my days. I did actually achieve that goal (that was during the financial boom of the 1990s, of course). I did not really plan to transition — I was enjoying the relationship with my future wife by then, and it seemed ‘unfair’ to put that burden on her. Like many transgender individuals, I was hoping that having a ‘normal’ relationship would diminish the urges to crossdress and, of course, totally eliminate the urge to transition.
As we all know, it simply doesn’t work like that. The urge to crossdress (and eventually transition…) does not ‘disappear’. Using Felix’s words, we are transgender, we can just be in denial about it, and hoping that ‘it’s just a phase’ and it’ll go away. Well, it won’t. At some point, you have to deal with it. I did so, by telling my wife, and explaining that I was desperate to dress — I simply couldn’t bear a life without crossdressing any more. I labeled myself as ‘merely a crossdresser’ at the time of my ‘coming out’ to my wife, and that was it.
At some point, however, the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog started to kick in. The desire to at least have a ‘more female body’ was the first to appear — mostly because I was getting tired of having to waste so much time with complex underwear (to get a female-ish kind of figure…) and tons of makeup tricks to hide my most masculine features. It would be so much simpler if I just had a female body, period. And thanks to modern medical technology, I could have it.
So something went ‘click’ inside my head, and I thought: ‘perhaps, after all, I’m not ‘merely’ a crossdresser as I always thought; maybe the desire of wishing to be a woman has always been with me since birth, I have just been very, very good at suppressing that, repressing my feelings, and pretending to do my ‘male role’ as best as I could. Maybe I have always been ‘female inside’. And maybe I ought to be doing something about that.’
Put that way, it seems that this was a ‘sudden’ revelation after a few days of thinking, but no — it was a very long process, taking at least a decade, although I most certainly entertained those thoughts in the past. In other words: the idea of ‘becoming a woman’ was not disgusting or repulsive to me (as it is to some crossdresser friends I’ve got), but merely ‘wishful thinking’; after all those years, however, the ‘wishful thinking’ slowly became one (of many) obsessive thought. It just might be possible. Things just might get right. Sure, there were a lot of obstacles, but I might be able to overcome all of them, at least to a degree. The issue was deciding what was more important to me at the time — i.e., defining priorities.
And as you know, if you are a regular reader, my priorities (in no particular order) are to secure financial health, keep my relationship with my wife, keep my friends and my family members, and so forth. Actual transition, where I would have to ‘let go’ of all that, was actually relatively low on the priority list.
Then came anxiety and depression — not triggered by gender dysphoria, but the gender dysphoria most certainly is at the root of the problem. Too many things happened in a relatively short period of time, and something inside my head just switched to ‘depression mode’ — saying: ‘I can’t handle all of this simultaneously!’
So, working with my therapist, and also using some tools and techniques from my Buddhist background, I tried to analyse the whole issue from a detached point of view — or as detached as it is humanly possible, taking into account that someone under a depression is already working with deluded perceptions.
What I found was not really an ‘inner female self’ as Felix so nicely puts it. Unlike some transgender people, who ‘switch personalities’ depending on their gender presentation, I’m not a ‘different’ person just because I’m wearing women’s clothes. I speak and gesticulate in pretty much the same way; I think the same things, I have the same tastes (and the same sexuality), and, in general, I’m the same person, with all good and bad things. It’s just that I’m much more happy presenting as a female than as a male. And it shows — no wonder I’m almost always smiling on the pictures!
I clearly don’t fully identify with ‘male’, because I pretty much hate everything in the ‘male role’. Sure, it has a lot of privileges — most of which I take so much for granted that I don’t even see them as ‘privilege’ — but so has the ‘female role’. They’re just different kinds of privilege, and I feel much more attracted to the female gender role. And, of course, I’m aware that most males simply do not think that way, so I cannot fully identify with them.
Then, of course, comes my pragmatic side — and like I said on the very beginning, I’m aware of the difficulties for some transexuals to lead a fulfilling life in their gender of choice — because of appearances, and the plain and simple statistical fact that most people, are, well, plain to ugly. It’s tough to say that, it sounds like a gross over-generalization, but, in essence, it’s correct. So, being honest to myself, I have to conclude that my ‘wish to transition’ is just that — wishful thinking. It would require an extraordinary sequence of coincidences to pop up to allow me to transition safely, and, most importantly, happily — some might call that sequence ‘a miracle’, if you’re religious. I prefer to see them as merely a lot of interrelated issues that would just need to come about at the ‘right moment’: guaranteeing financial stability until the end of my natural life, tolerance and acceptance from my closest friends and colleagues, moving out to a different city/country, and so forth. None of these are really reasonable assumptions. ‘True’ transexuals — in the sense of suffering from severe gender dysphoria — will have no issue with all those obstacles and hurdles; they are secondary to their desperate need to adapt their bodies to the gender they identify with in order to go on with their lives.
I remember many conversations with some friends, where I was accused of being cynical in my pragmatism, regarding a completely different subject, but which shows quite well my way of thinking. They ask me why I don’t have any children. My usual first answer is that my wife, due to biological complications, cannot bear children, even if we wished them. My friends then say that I could simply adopt them, and, in fact, I’m an advocate of adoption — there are so many kids out there in desperate need of having a home with some caring parents. At that point, I tell them that we aren’t financially stable enough to raise them properly, give them a good education, and hand them the necessary tools for a fulfilling life. My friends, at that point, get shocked. They say that ‘having children’ is not something to be analysed coldly like that; having kids is a biological imperative, it’s about loving and being loved, it’s about having fun with the parent-child relationships, it’s about watching them grow and become adults on their own, it’s about having someone to take care of us when we’re old. Yes, I can agree with all that. But it’s terribly unfair for parents to egoistically put some new lives in this world just to obey their ‘biological imperatives’ but without having the means to properly raise them — and rely on others (parents, friends…) to do that. In my case, I admit there are a lot of things I would wish to have, but I simply cannot afford them. Children are just one of many of such things.
Even though many of my friends claim that it’s a question of priorities, at some point ‘it will naturally work out’, and if everybody thought like my wife and I, the human population would shrink and the species would be extinct. Perhaps — I cannot foresee such a future
Instead, I can only agree that it’s a question of priorities: having children is not so important for us that we would place their raising in jeopardy just because ‘it’s more important to have kids, no matter what’. We don’t think that way. Having kids is important, yes, but it’s far more important to have the means to successfully raise them — like our parents had.
My approach to transitioning runs along similar lines, with a big difference: not having kids don’t produce any sort of anxiety of depression, rather the contrary — the idea of having kids without the means of raising them properly does create some anxiety! Transitioning, for me, is the same thing — I cannot transition without having a solid foundation upon which to build a future life. Some would therefore argue that I’m not severely gender dysphoric, because those who are, couldn’t care less about financial sustaining, they only wish to live their lives in the ‘right’ body. I agree: my own gender dysphoria is certainly much milder than most transexuals who do transition ‘no matter what’. However, I have been in touch with many who think along similar lines than me, and, as a consequence, one would have to diagnose them all as having a ‘mild’ gender dysphoria — they did nevertheless transition. Caitlyn Jenner is perhaps the best example: she always wanted to be the woman she is now, but due to a huge amount of circumstances that prevented her to do so, she delayed her transition until it was possible for her to settle all the issues (raising kids, giving them some financial independence, assuring her own future, and so forth). She is by no means the only person I know that followed that route — I’m aware of several MtF transexuals who were crossdreamers all their lives, crossdressed as much as they could, but had their own ‘normal’ family, raised their kids ‘normally’, got on with their male roles at their jobs, and made enough money to assure them an early retirement. Then they were able to transition in peace. They are very, very happy people right now — they led a successful life, doing pretty much everything that society demanded from their ‘male’ role: loving husband, caring parent, successful businessperson, and so forth. Now they have finally time to care a little bit about living their lives, not what others ‘demanded’. Sure, many report that their families or friends have shunned them, or at least became horribly shocked, but they nevertheless went on with their transition — they could show them their legacy as a ‘male’ and be proud of what they achieved, but now it was time to deal with what they wanted, not what society wanted from them.
In a sense, it’s a bit similar to what happens in certain circles of society in India: successful businesspersons who have a thriving family at some point in their lives abandon everything and join a monastery or roam the cities as wandering mendicants, in search of a new spiritual life. Such decisions are not only tolerated, but even encouraged by society. Such people have done everything what the mundane society expected from them. But now it’s time for them to completely change their lifestyles, their lives, and go on with a ‘new’ life which is, for them, much more fulfilling. If we did the same in the West, people would be thoroughly shocked — even very religious people, these days, are shocked if a daughter wants to become a nun or a son wants to become a priest. Such choices simply don’t fit any longer in our social model.
Transitioning, of course, is much worse and more complicated than that, it’s not ‘merely’ changing one’s life, it means breaking with the gender barriers that we have built around our society, and that is naturally very hard to accept. While a nun or a priest are usually not subject to abuse and discrimination, transexuals are victims of transphobia all the time. Our society still doesn’t have a way to support them — no matter what the laws actually say, the reality is still very different — and that means that to have a successful transition, you need to plan it well ahead as best as you can. It was common to see many websites on the Internet with checklists of all you needed to do before you started your transition. They were very useful, sometimes a bit oversimplified, but the message was quite clear: transitioning is not something to be taken lightly (no matter how severe your gender dysphoria is), it’s not like getting a tattoo or a piercing, or suddenly joining the gothic lifestyle and dress in black and red. There is so much more to it.
What Cristy and Felix told me is to open my eyes, and beware of the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog. It clouds the crossdreamers’ mind so intensely that we think we’re feeling the symptoms of extreme gender dysphoria, when in truth this is truly not the case. This doesn’t mean that people under the spell of the Glamourpuss should never transition: it just means that they ought to be very, very careful about what they really want, and make sure that they have paved well their way ahead, if they opt for transition. ‘Becoming a woman’ (in the case of MtF transexuals) is not to be taken lightly; it’s not living a life of glamour and parties all the time, and worry only if your nails are painted the right colour or what height your heels should be this season. Of course, if you can afford to lead such a life, by all means go ahead. But most people will see — hopefully before it’s too late! — that the truth is that their life options will be incredibly diminished, and, on top of that, they will need to endure discrimination and ostracism from their friends and family. Having a strong mind to deal with all of that also means being rational and logic about one’s choices — and not just emotional about what ‘feels good’ — and that means taking the post-transition period very, very seriously.
Some — like myself — will at some point figure out by themselves that the risk is far too great. The eventual happiness that will be achieved by getting rid of gender dysphoria and live a life in the gender we identify with will be counter-balanced with a life subject to transphobia — which is not merely name calling on the streets, but rather encountering barriers, obstacles, and difficulties on all facets of life. Just going to the dentist to take care of a tooth becomes an overwhelming effort — but even standing in the supermarket queue can lead to violent altercations, or at least the threat of such violence. You will need to be able to endure that for the rest of your life. If you’re not prepared to do so, then, well, you ought to learn to endure the symptoms of gender dysphoria, and see how intense and strong they are and how much they affect you — contrasted to what lies ahead of you after a transition.
Cristy and Felix — and especially Felix — gives us, the transgender people who cannot transition for so many reasons, a new hope.
But I should just finish with a note of warning: their experiences are not ‘scientific research’. I did discuss the issue and their proposals with my psychologist, just to know what her qualified opinion would be. She didn’t say that the ideas didn’t have merit, and if they work out for many people and make them happy, fine! However, she warned that gender dysphoria is not something to underestimate — it is something serious not to overlook. Anyone questioning their identity, for some reason, has at least some degree of gender dysphoria. And, yes, current psychology trends (to which my psychologist also subscribes) also believe that these are a spectrum, a continuum of possible degrees of intensity: you’re merely gender dysphoric or not, but you may have a degree of gender dysphoria. We all know that extremely severe cases of gender dysphoria need to be referred to transition to allow people to go on with their lives.
Milder cases of gender dysphoria, however, can — and probably should — be evaluated differently. Felix, in his book, suggests that we use ‘happiness’ as a rule of thumb: in other words, will transition make us much more happy, and will it not make others unhappy? Taking into account all the problems, complications, and issues that arise from a transition, will the resulting happiness be worth all the effort? Again, for some people, the choice is between transition and suicide; it’s clear that, even if transition is not a ‘perfect solution’, it’s better than contemplating taking one’s own life, so, yes, in such a case, it’s more than clear that the person will be much more happier, and, by not committing suicide, will definitely also make many others happy about that. These are the clear-cut cases.
For others, unfortunately, the issue is much less simpler. There might be no question that, for some, presenting themselves as the gender they identify with gives them a sense of euphoria, of freedom, of pure bliss, and that by transitioning, they might have those feelings all the time. But it’s also true that some people only crossdress for ‘special events’, and those, naturally enough, are ‘special’ by themselves (and therefore produce that happiness). Life, however, is not a succession of parties and shopping and clubbing and so forth. There is no glamour standing at a queue in the supermarket every other day. But that’s part of life, too, after transition. If one’s not that happy with the unglamourous daily chores when presenting as the gender they identify with, well, then, they should reconsider their decision to transition…
An extensive exploration of 'cross dreamers' ... skipping to the concluding pages
"Conclusions
Felix (and Cristy) are very careful to explain that their approaches and explanations are not meant for those suffering from severe gender dysphoria — ‘severe’, in this context, meaning that the person cannot continue to live as their assigned gender, and their only alternative to transition is suicide. Such cases ought to be screened out, preferably as early as possible (ideally, before puberty), and dealt with using hormonal treatments and/or surgery — the only established means of ‘treatment’ of severe gender dysphoria, and which is appropriate for early onset transexuals.
They also apply the same reasoning and logic to so-called late onset transexuals. Here we usually deal with people who have been repressing their gender identity for decades and trying very hard to ‘fit’ to a gender role that they don’t identify with in the least. While late onset transexuals might not have been always depressed and anxious, it’s clear that they led a life of suffering, of repression, of suppressing their innermost feelings, and have done so for decades. At some point in their lives, this will simply ‘blow up’ — they cannot continue to ‘pretend’ any longer. They might nevertheless continue to play their assigned role because of children, a job, and so forth, but once they feel that there is no ‘need’ to continue the pretense, they wish to transition. Again, the diagnosis of severe gender dysphoria ought to be established before the transition is made.
Then there are those crossdreamers who are under the influence of the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog. Let’s not minimise those effects; no matter how ‘funny’ those names sound, they are no laughing matter. The urge to become a woman can be so strong that it does, indeed, trigger gender dysphoria with all its symptoms, often at the same time as depression, anxiety, compulsive-obsessive behaviour, and so forth. At that stage, it all becomes a question of wordplay: is such an individual gender dysphoric and requires treatment, or did that individual develop gender dysphoria, and now requires treatment?
As we know, Blanchard had the same issue as well. The difference here is that we got rid of the whole baggage of trying to ‘fit’ those late onset transexuals into some kind of paraphiliac nonsense. In fact, Felix believes that it’s silly to even make a difference between ‘early onset transexuals’ and ‘late onset transexuals’ — transexuals are transexuals, no matter what, and the diagnosis and treatment is exactly the same for both; so why bother labeling them differently? In effect, these days, psychologists prefer to simply diagnose ‘a certain degree of gender dysphoria’, no matter when exactly those symptoms became apparent, and people with gender dysphoria are treated according to the severity of the symptoms they have (and what they are willing to do) — each case being a case, all different, even if they might share the same symptoms.
We don’t have a word, or a label, or a category to place those people who do, indeed, exhibit many (or all) the symptoms of gender dysphoria, but in a milder way, in the sense that they might be able to cope with the idea that they will be ‘stuck’ in their current bodies for the rest of their lives. We can say that they are non-transitioning transexuals, if we wish. Felix and Cristy, however, believe that they are not transexual as well; it’s the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog that makes them ‘believe’ to be transexual, while in reality they aren’t.
It’s hard to counter their arguments, because, indeed, most of us who are in touch with that ‘inner female self’, and finally are able to express that ‘inner female self’ — and that means ‘coming out’ — the result is an intense feeling of freedom, of liberty from constraints set upon ourselves for so many decades. Finally things ‘feel right’, for a change. And… it’s also exciting, thrilling, even erotic.
It’s very easy, therefore, to be so thoroughly immersed in that sense of well-being, in that euphoric state of enjoying manifesting one’s femininity, that we might become prey to the Pink Fog. Cristy says that it works almost like an addiction: because it makes us feel good, we wish to do it more and more — and at some point, we might truly and utterly believe that we’d be much better off if we simply transitioned.
I know several people who are exactly like that. Some have transitioned, with mixed results. Some are planning to. And some have not, for various reasons. I believe that there is clearly a spectrum here, from ‘very mild gender dysphoria’ (we might feel that we identify with the female gender, but it doesn’t really worry us much, and we stick to ‘being male’ because it’s much easier to go through life acting a role that is expected by everybody else from a person with our kind of physical body), to ‘mild-to-serious gender dysphoria’ (when we clearly experience ‘being female’ as a much better alternative than ‘being male’, and this causes us anxiety and depression) to ‘severe gender dysphoria’ (when the option is to transition or commit suicide).
Cristy and Felix, therefore, are warning us that what we perceive as gender dysphoria might not really be ‘the real thing’, but merely our mind playing tricks because ‘being female’ is so much better for us than ‘being male’ — this is the essence of the consequences of letting the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog ‘take over’. As said, Felix proposes to keep it at bay by identifying ‘merely as a transgender person’ — not a male, nor a female, but an individual that can express both, and can create their own identity based on the assumption that they are not either male or female — they can be both, either at once, or manifested in different times, or mixing the best from each, and so forth.
Personally, I like their explanations very much. The sensation of when the Glamourpuss ‘takes over’ is real. In general, I’m not a very obsessive person — but, like everybody else (I guess), I had my moments of obsession. In most cases these were connected to romantic relationships, but I can also admit being ‘temporarily obsessed’ with a certain task I have to complete, no matter what. I can get obsessed with a topic, an idea, a book. Sometimes this is a positive kind of obsession (in the sense that we learn something from the experience, and, by keeping it in our focus, we give it our undivided attention, therefore getting more out of it), but more often obsessions are not healthy. And in this case, I have to grudgingly admit that the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog is ‘unhealthy’ for me: when I ‘give in’ to it, then I tend to spend too much money on things that I cannot afford; I tend to endlessly pine for future events where I can present myself as female, and these will be constantly on my mind; I reach out for the comfort from other crossdreamers (either ‘merely crossdressers’ or those in transition or planning to do so), which in turn reinforces the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog; and, yes, I tend to blog a lot or spend hours on Facebook discussing these things ????
Not only it’s not healthy, but, over the years, I feel that I need more and more. Like many addictions, as soon as you reach a certain plateaux, it is never enough and you need more. At some point, when you routinely go out shopping for food in plain broadlight every day, dressed as a woman, and spend all hours away from work dressed casually as a woman at home, well, then it’s reasonable to ask why not to take the small step to become a woman 24h/7, since one might already be a woman 16h/7?
The problem is that this kind of obsession might not be realistic, in the sense that once transition is over… what now? Such people will continue to wish for more surgeries, to become ‘more female’, and they will have a sense of permanent insatisfaction all their lives — there is always another dress to buy, there is always a new diet (in order to fit in that dress!), and as the consequences of aging start to manifest themselves, it means constantly obsessing with ways to remain healthy and reasonably good-looking… but it will never be enough.
So what Cristy and Felix are saying is that someone experiencing gender dysphoria needs to be very careful about evaluating their situation, and see how much this ‘obsession with becoming a woman’ is really a consequence of gender dysphoria, or if it’s just that — an obsession, coming from addiction-like symptoms, which also produce symptoms that are the same as the ones produced by gender dysphoria. However, obsessions and addictive behaviour can be treated, while gender dysphoria cannot — that’s the huge difference!
Samuel Killermann, in his book The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide to Gender, has a chapter that asks the question: ‘How To Diagnose Someone As Transgender’. And the answer? ‘You can’t’. Killermann goes further to explain why you can’t diagnose that (and I certainly suggest that you buy his book and read it; it’s very funny to read, even though the subject is dead serious).
Therefore I see that Felix is a bit more interesting in his classifications. Cristy tends to limit the whole MtF spectrum to four kinds of people: crossdressers who do it for sexual pleasure only (therefore, outside the whole ‘gender identity’ thing), ‘recreational’ crossdressers (those who clearly identify as male but enjoy presenting themselves as female because it’s fun, entertaining, thrilling, exciting, etc. for them), ‘addicted’ crossdressers (those who are confused about their gender identity and suffer from the Pink Fog which makes them believe to be females trapped in men’s bodies and eventually attempt transition), and transexuals (those who have always identified as female since birth and just wish to make their bodies better aligned to the gender they identify with).
Felix considers all of these ‘transgender’ — simply because, at some level, they are not following the male role stereotype at 100%. A simple example: a man that dresses as a woman to have sexual pleasure is not part of the cisgender heteronormative (stereotyped) male gender role. Men simply do not do that — even if it’s just for sexual pleasure and has nothing to do with ‘identity’.
But Felix also recognises the big difference between what Cristy calls ‘recreational’ and ‘addicted’ crossdressers, and explains it the same way: it’s the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog that drives someone who might merely be a ‘recreational’ crossdresser to become ‘addicted’ to the glamour of ‘looking like a woman’, and make them believe that they ought to become women. Cristy still thinks that these people are ‘merely crossdressers’ — just misguided ones — and she considers herself to be very lucky to have ‘snapped out of it’ (my words, not hers) and avoided transitioning for the wrong reasons. Felix, by contrast, just considers ‘crossdressing’ the external manifestation — all those people are transgender. Some identify with the male gender (but still crossdress); some identify with the female gender (and might opt for transition); the problem is with those who are ‘confused’ and under the influence of the Pink Fog and are starting to believe that they should identify with the female gender instead. For those, Felix recommends a method to get them to identify with ‘being transgender’ instead of ‘being female’. That’s the main difference between Cristy and Felix.
Although I believe that both are pretty much describing the same thing, just using different words, but Felix is a bit more careful in his choice of words. That’s why he prefers to start his assumptions with ‘crossdreaming’ (which describes something related to the ‘inner self’) as opposed to ‘crossdressing’ (which is merely the act of wearing clothes of a different gender — there is no implication about how that person actually feels about it, or what kind of gender identity or sexuality they have); and, among crossdreamers, he suggests that some are really in need of transitioning (becoming legally ‘transexual’) while others are just deluded, and should remain in their current gender role — but accept that this gender role is not necessarily ‘male’ or ‘female’, just ‘transgender’, which can be expressed in several different ways. This is the main point of Felix’s assumptions: you can present yourself as female for as often as you like, without assuming that you are ‘female’, but merely by accepting that you are ‘transgender’, and that your identity and inner self is neither truly male, nor is it truly female.
It’s tough, but there is something quite persuading about this kind of explanation.
How this personally affects me
Sandra posingA bit like Cristy, when I started searching for things related to gender identity on the Internet, there were really just two choices in the 1990s: you were either a crossdresser, or a transexual. There was really no ‘middle term’ — or, to be more precise, you would not find many texts describing someone in the middle of those extremes.
Because by then I had no urge to commit suicide if I didn’t transition, I did opt for the ‘crossdresser’ label, since it reflected a bit more of what I actually did. On a daily basis, I would just dream of being a woman, and that certainly excited me; being able to ‘become’ the woman I dreamed about (wearing dresses, a wig, high heelsand some makeup) was very exciting, at the beginning in a clearly erotic way.
But of course I did also dream of becoming that woman I dreamed about. It was just not financially feasible yet — when I ‘discovered’ that I was a crossdresser, I still lived with my parents. So I thought that I needed to make a lot of money, not only to pay for surgeries and such, but to be able to survive without a job until the end of my days. I did actually achieve that goal (that was during the financial boom of the 1990s, of course). I did not really plan to transition — I was enjoying the relationship with my future wife by then, and it seemed ‘unfair’ to put that burden on her. Like many transgender individuals, I was hoping that having a ‘normal’ relationship would diminish the urges to crossdress and, of course, totally eliminate the urge to transition.
As we all know, it simply doesn’t work like that. The urge to crossdress (and eventually transition…) does not ‘disappear’. Using Felix’s words, we are transgender, we can just be in denial about it, and hoping that ‘it’s just a phase’ and it’ll go away. Well, it won’t. At some point, you have to deal with it. I did so, by telling my wife, and explaining that I was desperate to dress — I simply couldn’t bear a life without crossdressing any more. I labeled myself as ‘merely a crossdresser’ at the time of my ‘coming out’ to my wife, and that was it.
At some point, however, the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog started to kick in. The desire to at least have a ‘more female body’ was the first to appear — mostly because I was getting tired of having to waste so much time with complex underwear (to get a female-ish kind of figure…) and tons of makeup tricks to hide my most masculine features. It would be so much simpler if I just had a female body, period. And thanks to modern medical technology, I could have it.
So something went ‘click’ inside my head, and I thought: ‘perhaps, after all, I’m not ‘merely’ a crossdresser as I always thought; maybe the desire of wishing to be a woman has always been with me since birth, I have just been very, very good at suppressing that, repressing my feelings, and pretending to do my ‘male role’ as best as I could. Maybe I have always been ‘female inside’. And maybe I ought to be doing something about that.’
Put that way, it seems that this was a ‘sudden’ revelation after a few days of thinking, but no — it was a very long process, taking at least a decade, although I most certainly entertained those thoughts in the past. In other words: the idea of ‘becoming a woman’ was not disgusting or repulsive to me (as it is to some crossdresser friends I’ve got), but merely ‘wishful thinking’; after all those years, however, the ‘wishful thinking’ slowly became one (of many) obsessive thought. It just might be possible. Things just might get right. Sure, there were a lot of obstacles, but I might be able to overcome all of them, at least to a degree. The issue was deciding what was more important to me at the time — i.e., defining priorities.
And as you know, if you are a regular reader, my priorities (in no particular order) are to secure financial health, keep my relationship with my wife, keep my friends and my family members, and so forth. Actual transition, where I would have to ‘let go’ of all that, was actually relatively low on the priority list.
Then came anxiety and depression — not triggered by gender dysphoria, but the gender dysphoria most certainly is at the root of the problem. Too many things happened in a relatively short period of time, and something inside my head just switched to ‘depression mode’ — saying: ‘I can’t handle all of this simultaneously!’
So, working with my therapist, and also using some tools and techniques from my Buddhist background, I tried to analyse the whole issue from a detached point of view — or as detached as it is humanly possible, taking into account that someone under a depression is already working with deluded perceptions.
What I found was not really an ‘inner female self’ as Felix so nicely puts it. Unlike some transgender people, who ‘switch personalities’ depending on their gender presentation, I’m not a ‘different’ person just because I’m wearing women’s clothes. I speak and gesticulate in pretty much the same way; I think the same things, I have the same tastes (and the same sexuality), and, in general, I’m the same person, with all good and bad things. It’s just that I’m much more happy presenting as a female than as a male. And it shows — no wonder I’m almost always smiling on the pictures!
I clearly don’t fully identify with ‘male’, because I pretty much hate everything in the ‘male role’. Sure, it has a lot of privileges — most of which I take so much for granted that I don’t even see them as ‘privilege’ — but so has the ‘female role’. They’re just different kinds of privilege, and I feel much more attracted to the female gender role. And, of course, I’m aware that most males simply do not think that way, so I cannot fully identify with them.
Then, of course, comes my pragmatic side — and like I said on the very beginning, I’m aware of the difficulties for some transexuals to lead a fulfilling life in their gender of choice — because of appearances, and the plain and simple statistical fact that most people, are, well, plain to ugly. It’s tough to say that, it sounds like a gross over-generalization, but, in essence, it’s correct. So, being honest to myself, I have to conclude that my ‘wish to transition’ is just that — wishful thinking. It would require an extraordinary sequence of coincidences to pop up to allow me to transition safely, and, most importantly, happily — some might call that sequence ‘a miracle’, if you’re religious. I prefer to see them as merely a lot of interrelated issues that would just need to come about at the ‘right moment’: guaranteeing financial stability until the end of my natural life, tolerance and acceptance from my closest friends and colleagues, moving out to a different city/country, and so forth. None of these are really reasonable assumptions. ‘True’ transexuals — in the sense of suffering from severe gender dysphoria — will have no issue with all those obstacles and hurdles; they are secondary to their desperate need to adapt their bodies to the gender they identify with in order to go on with their lives.
I remember many conversations with some friends, where I was accused of being cynical in my pragmatism, regarding a completely different subject, but which shows quite well my way of thinking. They ask me why I don’t have any children. My usual first answer is that my wife, due to biological complications, cannot bear children, even if we wished them. My friends then say that I could simply adopt them, and, in fact, I’m an advocate of adoption — there are so many kids out there in desperate need of having a home with some caring parents. At that point, I tell them that we aren’t financially stable enough to raise them properly, give them a good education, and hand them the necessary tools for a fulfilling life. My friends, at that point, get shocked. They say that ‘having children’ is not something to be analysed coldly like that; having kids is a biological imperative, it’s about loving and being loved, it’s about having fun with the parent-child relationships, it’s about watching them grow and become adults on their own, it’s about having someone to take care of us when we’re old. Yes, I can agree with all that. But it’s terribly unfair for parents to egoistically put some new lives in this world just to obey their ‘biological imperatives’ but without having the means to properly raise them — and rely on others (parents, friends…) to do that. In my case, I admit there are a lot of things I would wish to have, but I simply cannot afford them. Children are just one of many of such things.
Even though many of my friends claim that it’s a question of priorities, at some point ‘it will naturally work out’, and if everybody thought like my wife and I, the human population would shrink and the species would be extinct. Perhaps — I cannot foresee such a future
Instead, I can only agree that it’s a question of priorities: having children is not so important for us that we would place their raising in jeopardy just because ‘it’s more important to have kids, no matter what’. We don’t think that way. Having kids is important, yes, but it’s far more important to have the means to successfully raise them — like our parents had.My approach to transitioning runs along similar lines, with a big difference: not having kids don’t produce any sort of anxiety of depression, rather the contrary — the idea of having kids without the means of raising them properly does create some anxiety! Transitioning, for me, is the same thing — I cannot transition without having a solid foundation upon which to build a future life. Some would therefore argue that I’m not severely gender dysphoric, because those who are, couldn’t care less about financial sustaining, they only wish to live their lives in the ‘right’ body. I agree: my own gender dysphoria is certainly much milder than most transexuals who do transition ‘no matter what’. However, I have been in touch with many who think along similar lines than me, and, as a consequence, one would have to diagnose them all as having a ‘mild’ gender dysphoria — they did nevertheless transition. Caitlyn Jenner is perhaps the best example: she always wanted to be the woman she is now, but due to a huge amount of circumstances that prevented her to do so, she delayed her transition until it was possible for her to settle all the issues (raising kids, giving them some financial independence, assuring her own future, and so forth). She is by no means the only person I know that followed that route — I’m aware of several MtF transexuals who were crossdreamers all their lives, crossdressed as much as they could, but had their own ‘normal’ family, raised their kids ‘normally’, got on with their male roles at their jobs, and made enough money to assure them an early retirement. Then they were able to transition in peace. They are very, very happy people right now — they led a successful life, doing pretty much everything that society demanded from their ‘male’ role: loving husband, caring parent, successful businessperson, and so forth. Now they have finally time to care a little bit about living their lives, not what others ‘demanded’. Sure, many report that their families or friends have shunned them, or at least became horribly shocked, but they nevertheless went on with their transition — they could show them their legacy as a ‘male’ and be proud of what they achieved, but now it was time to deal with what they wanted, not what society wanted from them.
In a sense, it’s a bit similar to what happens in certain circles of society in India: successful businesspersons who have a thriving family at some point in their lives abandon everything and join a monastery or roam the cities as wandering mendicants, in search of a new spiritual life. Such decisions are not only tolerated, but even encouraged by society. Such people have done everything what the mundane society expected from them. But now it’s time for them to completely change their lifestyles, their lives, and go on with a ‘new’ life which is, for them, much more fulfilling. If we did the same in the West, people would be thoroughly shocked — even very religious people, these days, are shocked if a daughter wants to become a nun or a son wants to become a priest. Such choices simply don’t fit any longer in our social model.
Transitioning, of course, is much worse and more complicated than that, it’s not ‘merely’ changing one’s life, it means breaking with the gender barriers that we have built around our society, and that is naturally very hard to accept. While a nun or a priest are usually not subject to abuse and discrimination, transexuals are victims of transphobia all the time. Our society still doesn’t have a way to support them — no matter what the laws actually say, the reality is still very different — and that means that to have a successful transition, you need to plan it well ahead as best as you can. It was common to see many websites on the Internet with checklists of all you needed to do before you started your transition. They were very useful, sometimes a bit oversimplified, but the message was quite clear: transitioning is not something to be taken lightly (no matter how severe your gender dysphoria is), it’s not like getting a tattoo or a piercing, or suddenly joining the gothic lifestyle and dress in black and red. There is so much more to it.
What Cristy and Felix told me is to open my eyes, and beware of the Glamourpuss/Pink Fog. It clouds the crossdreamers’ mind so intensely that we think we’re feeling the symptoms of extreme gender dysphoria, when in truth this is truly not the case. This doesn’t mean that people under the spell of the Glamourpuss should never transition: it just means that they ought to be very, very careful about what they really want, and make sure that they have paved well their way ahead, if they opt for transition. ‘Becoming a woman’ (in the case of MtF transexuals) is not to be taken lightly; it’s not living a life of glamour and parties all the time, and worry only if your nails are painted the right colour or what height your heels should be this season. Of course, if you can afford to lead such a life, by all means go ahead. But most people will see — hopefully before it’s too late! — that the truth is that their life options will be incredibly diminished, and, on top of that, they will need to endure discrimination and ostracism from their friends and family. Having a strong mind to deal with all of that also means being rational and logic about one’s choices — and not just emotional about what ‘feels good’ — and that means taking the post-transition period very, very seriously.
Some — like myself — will at some point figure out by themselves that the risk is far too great. The eventual happiness that will be achieved by getting rid of gender dysphoria and live a life in the gender we identify with will be counter-balanced with a life subject to transphobia — which is not merely name calling on the streets, but rather encountering barriers, obstacles, and difficulties on all facets of life. Just going to the dentist to take care of a tooth becomes an overwhelming effort — but even standing in the supermarket queue can lead to violent altercations, or at least the threat of such violence. You will need to be able to endure that for the rest of your life. If you’re not prepared to do so, then, well, you ought to learn to endure the symptoms of gender dysphoria, and see how intense and strong they are and how much they affect you — contrasted to what lies ahead of you after a transition.
Cristy and Felix — and especially Felix — gives us, the transgender people who cannot transition for so many reasons, a new hope.
But I should just finish with a note of warning: their experiences are not ‘scientific research’. I did discuss the issue and their proposals with my psychologist, just to know what her qualified opinion would be. She didn’t say that the ideas didn’t have merit, and if they work out for many people and make them happy, fine! However, she warned that gender dysphoria is not something to underestimate — it is something serious not to overlook. Anyone questioning their identity, for some reason, has at least some degree of gender dysphoria. And, yes, current psychology trends (to which my psychologist also subscribes) also believe that these are a spectrum, a continuum of possible degrees of intensity: you’re merely gender dysphoric or not, but you may have a degree of gender dysphoria. We all know that extremely severe cases of gender dysphoria need to be referred to transition to allow people to go on with their lives.
Milder cases of gender dysphoria, however, can — and probably should — be evaluated differently. Felix, in his book, suggests that we use ‘happiness’ as a rule of thumb: in other words, will transition make us much more happy, and will it not make others unhappy? Taking into account all the problems, complications, and issues that arise from a transition, will the resulting happiness be worth all the effort? Again, for some people, the choice is between transition and suicide; it’s clear that, even if transition is not a ‘perfect solution’, it’s better than contemplating taking one’s own life, so, yes, in such a case, it’s more than clear that the person will be much more happier, and, by not committing suicide, will definitely also make many others happy about that. These are the clear-cut cases.
For others, unfortunately, the issue is much less simpler. There might be no question that, for some, presenting themselves as the gender they identify with gives them a sense of euphoria, of freedom, of pure bliss, and that by transitioning, they might have those feelings all the time. But it’s also true that some people only crossdress for ‘special events’, and those, naturally enough, are ‘special’ by themselves (and therefore produce that happiness). Life, however, is not a succession of parties and shopping and clubbing and so forth. There is no glamour standing at a queue in the supermarket every other day. But that’s part of life, too, after transition. If one’s not that happy with the unglamourous daily chores when presenting as the gender they identify with, well, then, they should reconsider their decision to transition…
It may take a while and a few times but hypnosis does that. Then pay really close attention to how you feel. If you feel more comfortable and normal then it probably means that you are indeed trans and ready for a sort of transformation. If you feel shame continually and not quite comfortable then you may not be quite as trans and then search other options such as nonbinary or androgynous or genderqueer or just more feminine and masculine.
Trans or cis. Gay or bi that is open minded enough to like a transwoman.
That is as just a big a part of who I am as being trans.
That is kind of hard while pretending to be a real man. 
So I gave and even now give up the ghost of masculinity. I can be a lesbian but don't ever expect me to be a butch lesbian. I would not mind a butch girlfriend but most lesbians, and yeah I have quite a few in my family, don't really care for transwomen. They still accept me as family and as a female cousin but would never date anyone like me. Even though as a lesbian or transbian, I am lipstick.
But I will own it. Hell I will not even be ashamed of it even. I am a sissy, submissive woman that adores and craves the masculine in a relationship.