Post by EchelonHunt on Mar 27, 2016 21:21:36 GMT 8
Thursday night, I went out dressed as myself. The wig, the skirt, cat eye liner, the knee-high converse boots, you name it. I noticed I looked like Avril Lavigne lol.
I met up with my MTF friend, Portia, whom we were celebrating her first month on E that night for.
There was drinking, lots of laughter and just general good fun.
Halfway through the night, I found myself feeling depressed. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt that way.
It hit me, I'd been presenting socially as male for so long, that dressing up as my true self just for these social occasions where I find it acceptable for me to be my true self (LGBT events or when with other transgender folks)...
It's not doing it for me anymore. It's not enough.
Also... I noticed the more drunk I got, the more I was like "Honey, you tell 'em that shit ain't on." like a sassy gay man or woman. I never thought I'd hear myself talk like that, it was so weird, it was like that barrier I put up to limit my feminine mannerisms in speaking and hand gestures... when in unfamiliar situations, I just instinctively withdraw into myself, go into "observation mode" until I feel comfortable enough to express myself. That barrier just crumbled to pieces.
Portia and me had a good ol' bitch fest about how outdated our psychiatrist is (we see the same guy), in that he adheres to the binary, thinking there's only male or female. It was great to vent with someone who gets it, other than my therapist.
And later, when we went back to Portia's place with her friend, Steve, it got weirder for me. I was responding as the "sassy gay man/woman" persona to Portia and when talking to Steve, I adopted the social male role like, "You'll be right, mate. Who needs enemies when you got friends like them, ay?"
At the end of the night, Portia said she really appreciated me coming out tonight, that it was nice to have someone there who understood what she was going through. I was glad I went too.
All in all, eventful night. I wasn't expecting the sadness at all. I thought I would've been happy to finally express myself freely after not being able to for so long. I was happy, just there was a huge tinge of deep sadness underneath it all.
I met up with my MTF friend, Portia, whom we were celebrating her first month on E that night for.
There was drinking, lots of laughter and just general good fun.
Halfway through the night, I found myself feeling depressed. I couldn't put my finger on why I felt that way.
It hit me, I'd been presenting socially as male for so long, that dressing up as my true self just for these social occasions where I find it acceptable for me to be my true self (LGBT events or when with other transgender folks)...
It's not doing it for me anymore. It's not enough.
Also... I noticed the more drunk I got, the more I was like "Honey, you tell 'em that shit ain't on." like a sassy gay man or woman. I never thought I'd hear myself talk like that, it was so weird, it was like that barrier I put up to limit my feminine mannerisms in speaking and hand gestures... when in unfamiliar situations, I just instinctively withdraw into myself, go into "observation mode" until I feel comfortable enough to express myself. That barrier just crumbled to pieces.
Portia and me had a good ol' bitch fest about how outdated our psychiatrist is (we see the same guy), in that he adheres to the binary, thinking there's only male or female. It was great to vent with someone who gets it, other than my therapist.
And later, when we went back to Portia's place with her friend, Steve, it got weirder for me. I was responding as the "sassy gay man/woman" persona to Portia and when talking to Steve, I adopted the social male role like, "You'll be right, mate. Who needs enemies when you got friends like them, ay?"
At the end of the night, Portia said she really appreciated me coming out tonight, that it was nice to have someone there who understood what she was going through. I was glad I went too.
All in all, eventful night. I wasn't expecting the sadness at all. I thought I would've been happy to finally express myself freely after not being able to for so long. I was happy, just there was a huge tinge of deep sadness underneath it all.
