weird thoughts about my body

[FaerieKim]

I've always assumed I'd never need to physically transition because I don't feel any discomfort or dislike towards my genitals.

But the other day I was in high spirits and caught myself jokingly referring to "my pussy" (I was by myself. I often talk to myself when I'm alone).  "I don't have a pussy" I thought.  Then I thought "yes I do, it's just not a physical pussy".  Then I wondered "would I like to have a pussy?"

This was a different line of enquiry to my usual questions about how I feel about my physical body, because it's not about getting rid of or changing anything, it's simply a question of what I would feel about having a female body part.

I concluded that I would quite like to have a pussy.  I'm just not sure I'd want to go through the rigmarole of surgery or get rid of what I do have.  I thought that in an ideal, anything is possible world I would probably like to have both male and female genitals, or at least to have both for a while so that I can see what it's like having a pussy first before I make any rash decisions on whether to keep or get rid of what I was born with.

That makes sense.  It's a shame that we don't live in an anything-is-possible world but in a world where it's only surgery and not "magic" that can make such things happen and you can't make labia and clitoris without destroying the penis, scrotum and testicles.

I then started to think about the rest of my body.  Would I like breasts or a flat chest?  Would I like male or female fat distribution?  And much to my surprise, when considering this in a hypothetical, anything is possible, by magic, what you want instead of what you don't want kind of way, I concluded that I would actually rather have a big bum than a big belly and rather have small female breasts than a flat male chest (I don't want big boobs though).

It's old news that I don't like my body hair (in fact I'd go so far as to say I hate it) and that I sometimes wish my face looked more feminine in the mirror.  It took a while for me to admit that this is actually a form of physical dysphoria.

And I wonder if I've been feeling physical dysphoria all along but just pushing it to the back of my mind, refusing to deal with it because... well, because things like surgery are REALLY SCARY!

I never liked my chest when I was young.  I thought it was because I was skinny and weedy.  Maybe it was at the time.  But now I'm chubby, not skinny and I look at my male chest and I don't mind it but I don't feel connected to my male physique, if that makes sense.  The ideal me would be androgynous yes, but also kind of curvy and feminine.  My fat belly doesn't seem right to me. Is it just that I don't like being overweight?  But if all that body fat was on my bum instead of my belly I'd feel miles better about it.  My body fat distribution feels as wrong, as "not me" to me as my body hair.

And then I started thinking again about all my social dysphoria.  I know there'd be things that would irritate me if I was a girl.  Harrassment and unwanted advances from unattractive men for example.  But although I'd be a geeky girl, leaning towards lesbian and not very good at housework I think more or less I could be the person I am and it would be fine - no one would think it's particularly weird for a girl to be that way.  But as a "man", everything is a little bit faulty.  I can't function sexually with women because I don't like to penetrate people and I get more turned on if my partner takes the lead and is a bit aggressively passionate with me .  I don't like sport and it's amazing how many people just kind of expect men to like sport.  People expect me to be more assertive than I'm comfortable being.  Even in this day and age people find it unusual for a guy to be as sensitive and emotional as I am.  Then there is my liking of feminine clothes, make-up etc.  I just know I'd be way, way more comfortable, more able to be myself moving through the world as a female rather than a male.

So am I a trans woman after all?  But I don't fit the whole "I've always thought of myself as a woman" thing.  What I've always thought is that gender is a strange societal thing, with lots of unnecessary conventions and rules that I can't really relate to at all because I don't feel especially male or female on the inside, but kind of non-gendered or inbetween.  But is "genderqueer" or "non-binary" just a technicality of how I think about gender, and really I would be happier living as a woman?

Why is it every time I think I've made sense of this, I ask some new questions and then get all confused again?

[Ativan Prescribed]

You're running into the binary social construct wall that says this is female and this is male.
NB isn't just a technicality, it's a realization of self outside of the binary social construct.
There are those people who follow convention to a high degree, but few people actually achieve male or female when pressed.
The degree that you feel yourself to be is what it is, and can be very fluid, moving around from closer to one convention and then the other.
This is very normal for a lot of NB people.
Things like house work, sports, being sensitive and emotional, even liking to wear feminine clothes has nothing to do with gender.
It does in the binary social construct that says all this belongs to females and all this is male.
But in the real world, in practice, it really has very little to do with gender.
Who you think you are is who you are, it is self, regardless of what convention says.
Think of gender as those aspects that are coming at you and moving away from you all the time.
They come and go from every direction, all around you, globally if you want.
The ones you grab onto at any given time is your gender at that time, so it can feel feminine or masculine, but that's basing it on the construct.
Being fluid is the ability to grab and hold onto different aspects at different times.
How you feel about those aspects determines your gender, not a set of socially set rules from a binary social construct.
It sounds complicated, but take your time and think it through. Your gender is in your head.
Your sex is between your legs and your sexuality is who your gender is attracted to.
But you define your own aspects, nobody else has the right to do that for you.

[LivingTheDream]

I think I can kinda relate to what you are saying here. I definitely hear ya bout srs surgery. I believe I'd like to have it I'm not 100%. I don't totally hate what I have now and I could hate it after. And do I really wanna go thru all that paperwork, pay the cost, risk my life, be in pain after, spend months basically on maintenance of it? Idk..

One of the things that I questioned a lot when I was starting off was was I a trans women too. I didn't quite fit into "I knew from day 1 I was a women, hate my genitals, do or die" story line either. I never really expected to go any farther than hair removal and hrt either..I decided I to call myself nonbinary, cuz I didn't quite fit into my (at the time) definition of trans women and I knew I wasn't way at the male end of the spectrum like I portrayed myself to be then.

As transition progressed, I learned that I was a actually a lot more binary than I originally thought myself to be. The farther I went to the female side of the spectrum, the more comfortable and happier I felt with myself. I'm now basically full time female.

*Looking back on it now, I think a large part of my referring to myself as NB was fear based. I guess I always assumed that I would never be able to go out as a girl because I would be easily readable and thus never get to the point that I am at now. I figured I'd just be a gal in secret, with longish hair, small boobs, clean face, dressed, when I was alone, and be able to avoid some of the un-pleasantries such as coming out, being read, etc. Once I got past those fears, facing em and finding out that the world hasn't ended, things moved much farther to the female side.*

I still do feel ok with calling myself at least somewhat NB tho to this day. I call myself a tomboy because I do have many male interests left over from my past (sports, wrestling, etc) and I'm kinda lazy to dress all out. don't really feel like I have to or want to through out all my past and my past interests nor do I feel like I wanna or have to adhere to every female stereotype or activities (w/e the words are that I am looking for here..)(for example, my now ex-coworkers all watched the same shows, gossiped and talked nonstop about it at work. Got told I should watch some too but I replied, I don't got time or interest in that. Also, they came on when my other shows were on. Others from there wouldn't leave the house w/o makeup on, that's totally stupid to me, not practical). Physically I feel like I should've been, wished I was, maybe even need to be female and seen as such too. Mentally, I got some of both in me, best of both worlds perhaps?

The important thing is to just be yourself. Find out what makes you feel comfortable and happy with yourself cuz that's really what matters most.

The "I've always known and thought of myself as a women", and all the other common and stereotypical phrases that you hear, none of em really matter. I struggled for a long time trying to figure out exactly where I was, who I was; trying to find a neat little label that fit me perfectly. I gave up. I stopped worrying about it, it ceased to matter to me anymore. I knew what I wanted and that's what mattered; a label is just a word. I never identified as a girl growing up nor was I super girly and look where I am now! So what I guess I'm trying to say, don't worry about a word, worry about yourself, what you want, how you're gonna get there, how to make yourself more comfortable and happy with yourself cause that's what matters.

*That was my personal experience with the matter. I hope nobody is triggered or offended by that, I'm not trying to invalidate or put anybody down nor am I applying that we all change/transition fully in the end. Also, I'm not trying to tell you Kim that you are just like me and need to go the same route as me; all I meant by this is that this is what worked for me and how I got where I am. I'm posting this because it's not really the typical story that you hear about all the time, the ie, knew all along, etc..I figure a slightly different perspective on things could maybe be helpful to you and or others, I know that it definitely helped me back in the day hearing some.

[Deleted]

These posts kind of confirm the way I look at things. It's very hard, if not impossible, for most of us, at the start, to say, "I'm this" or "I'm that." You need to get out and live. Allow yourself to be, to express yourself. Gradually you discover where you're comfortable. Gradually you pin down what you are. By trying to define yourself too early you in effect put yourself in a little box which more than likely won't suit you all. Try a bit of freedom, a bit of experimentation (as far as your circumstances will allow). We're all very individual, and we don't fit neat definitions. I think that makes us human.

[Shan]

What Foxglove says is so true. I went with my wife to see a surgeon we have both seen in the past, she is considering a little facial tweak. The doc did a neck lift and lipoed away my love handles quite some time ago. Last time I was in there I was wearing sweats and had a GI Joe buzz haircut. So I walked in there today dressed entirely in my favorite female attire and long hair flying in the breeze. He and his entire female staff did a double take, the ladies each came and chatted me up one even gave me a great full body hug. I noticed that they feature body sculpting and said that I could use a new body, there were laughs all around while I handled the sample breast implants. Great folks all!
Back when they saw me in sweats and short hair, I was trans and had been on female hormones for years, I just wasn't living it outwardly. Not out of fear but more out of consideration for my wife who has since conceded that she wants me to be the real me I am happy with.