I feel like i'm losing it

[Valerie]

Well, lately in past two weeks i've been having so many mood swings, like I just been up and down like crazy, and i just feel really emotionally, physically, and mentally drained. I don't even know i'm i've been just so up and down lately. One minute i'm totally chill, and then next thing I know i'm completely depressed, or having a hard time breathing and freaking out. It's just really really tiring me out. I've even been losing so much sleep because of too many thoughts running through my mind, and I just can't get my mind to shut the hell up. 

I know last week when i was completely down though, and I couldn't seem to figure out why, but then while pre-bussing tables, and the customers were saying "he" and "man" to me i noticed, it brought me down waaayy more, and i realized it's because being misgendered was affecting me more than usual. Usually, it doesn't bother me as much, and I can just try to shake it off, but lately always hearing "He" "Sir" "young man" "man" has just really been getting to me! Like i feel more comfortable with "they/them" or just not referred to as a gender like at all! And part of me feels like I wanna start speaking up more about it, but also I just don't know how to exactly go about it, or where to start. Besides, I probably wouldn't really be able to at work anyways i'd still have to deal with all the male pronouns. I don't know... 

And then last night, while walking home from bus stop, i had a complete paranoid, and panicking moment, where i saw this person walking behind me, and of course the rational part of my mind was saying, “relax, they’re probably just going in same direction as you.” But i couldn’t help keep looking behind me, and walking faster. And for a while they were still behind me, and I just tried quickly heading into my neighborhood, as fast as i could, but i started freaking out, and my breathing was all over the place like I was hyperventilating, and i just really felt like bursting into tears. Even though I knew I was safe walking down my street, I was still so extremely anxious, looking behind me, and on verge of tears. I finally made it home, and I was on so much edge, I was trying to calm myself down, and it was just too much. I ended up making myself some tea to try, and relax, which helped a little. But then I just spent most my time shaking while laying in bed.

And now earlier, while at sitting on my laptop at the library, I just randomly felt like i was going to burst in tears, and I honestly can't figure out why? I just know i've been so stressed out, and tired from being emotionally all over the place. I honestly feel like i might have a breaking down moment at some point. I don't know when, but I certainly hope it's when i'm alone at home. 

[Ativan Prescribed]

Symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Easy enough to go to your Dr and let them know.
They can prescribe an antidepressant and probably something for anxiety.
Although fixing one usually will help fix the other.
I'm not going to give advice like 'just hang in there, it'll pass'...
That kind of advice usually makes little sense to someone going through depression and/or anxiety.
Use meds until you have better control over things and then decide if you don't need them, most people don't.
Then that kind of advice will make more sense...

[Trinity]

Mar 16, 2016 3:44:55 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Symptoms of depression and anxiety.
East enough to go to your Dr and let them know.
They can prescribe an antidepressant and probably something for anxiety.
Although fixing one usually will help fix the other.
I'm not going to give advice like 'just hang in there, it'll pass'...
That kind of advice usually makes little sense to someone going through depression and/or anxiety.
Use meds until you have better control over things and then decide if you don't need them, most people don't.
Then that kind of advice will make more sense...

Seconded here honey.

There are a number of us on forum that struggle.

You have a lot going on right now.

A mental safety net makes sense, so I am agreeing with Ativan.

And talk on forum, talk talk talk, post post post.

Get Jayce to give you a blog, and vent it out of you.

My blog is a safety net for me. it has helped me a lot. And its not for public eyes.

Just some suggestions.

We have been through this stuff too, our stories may differ, some have it tougher than others, but we get it, trust me.

Anxiety sucks, depression sucks.

Getting help for it does not suck. It brings relief, then clarity, then peace, and if all goes well, eventually joy.

Hang in there kid.

--The Fairy

[Trinity]

Oh and dont forget to breathe....

I start holding my breath... Let it out like a balloon, it can calm you down.

Keep sharing it out....you did good by talking about it...thats important...

Trinity

[Shan]

Sorry you're going through this honey, and I'd suggest that Ativan and Trin's advice is probably best. In my earlier days I probably would have taken you for a ride to the park and we'd have a few drinks, get shit-faced, share hugs, laugh and cry together as we worked you through it, but that's not such a hot idea anymore either. Wishing you well sweetie, keep us in the loop and let us know how you are doing.

[Trinity]

Breaking down...

In transition there have been some times when I have had so much fear and anxiety that my mind shut down. Different scenario- but the feelings are similar.

When I got to that place, I got someone on the phone. It happened at work, I had a friend talking to me for quite a while, getting me through it to the next minute or two, so I could keep on working.

It happened to me at night, and I would get a call from a special one, and they would talk me down.

Having friends to talk to is important. If its not IRL, then on the forum, the written word is still talking and chatting with each other.

We do this stuff together. Its easier when its an us thing rather than an I thing. I cannot tell you how many times I wind up on the phone, actually I am personally spread really thin, but I help folks in AA, and have friends that are trans that help me. We bond.

So its kind of like a little plan, to be able to have one, a little call list in case of a meltdown moment.

I made it through all of mine. I seldom have them, and the one I did have, was a job thing. Massive overload. And it didn't last long at all.

Lean on the forum. Lean on your friends. And yes, meds can help, for sure. A good therapist can too, one you check out first, so you know their track record. I researched mine, its been really good, the new one especially.

Blessings Kiddo.

Fairy

[EchelonHunt]

Which area do you live in?

I can find you a list of local therapists who specialize in gender and depression/anxiety.

I think it is safe to say that a gender therapist will have experience with dealing depression/anxiety as gender dysphoria basically draws symptoms from that.

I suggest gender therapist because from what you've written, it sounds you are dealing with social dysphoria, in that society and people misgender you on a daily basis and are unable to see you the way you wish to be seen. It's debilitating, I understand all too well, I have been there.

Depression/anxiety, personally, meds haven't worked for me, they made my suicidal thoughts worse (then again, I was prescribed Zoloft which hasn't exactly gained the best of reputations) just having a supportive therapist to express my feelings and emotions to helped a lot in alleviating symptoms. I do still get depressed or anxious, I'm getting better at pinpointing the feelings when they arise but it is at tolerable levels.

I also like to be introspective and dig deep to find out why I'm feeling the way I do and what memories and such trigger the feelings. Mindfulness can be great tool to utilize against depression and anxiety. It won't work for everyone, especially if the symptoms are too debilitating.

We're here for you. You're not alone.

[Taka]

be careful with antidepressants, they're 80% placebo, and only show a medical effect for people who are way deep into their depression. some also suspect they might worsen depression by prolongued use, or make the depression permanent. should only be used for suicide prevention.

do get anxiety meds if you need them though.

and keep in mind that these things usually pass after working through them properly and finding solutions that work for you. not saying it definitely will, but it's not an impossibility.

so, uh... therapist? one who specializes in gender, as coming out to yourself, truly admitting who you are, can cause a whole lot of initial stress.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Even if they do work as a placebo, so much the better.
You work through it, quit using them.
A big drawback with them is that they can worsen the symptoms if the wrong one.
You stop using them immediately if suicide ideation worsens.
Too much of anything can make things worse, so always start with a minimum dose if starting at all.
Being up front and honest with a therapist right away is stressful, but it gets it out of the way and therapy can continue.

All of these things have their good and bad, a person has to be mindful of what they are doing.
Mindfulness as a therapy is also a good way to lessen symptoms.
Practicing mindfulness is an all around good thing to practice.

How is our OP doing?

[Valerie]

Oh my god, thanks you all so sooo much!! I really really appreciate all the feedback! I actually have started seeing a counselor towards end of February, and I actually had my 3rd session today! I was proud of myself for being honest with him about feeling overwhelmed from the constant mood swings these past weeks, and i talking to him actually made me feel a lot better!! He's actually honestly really great! Like i did my research for lgbt friendly counselors, and found the counseling place is great for gender, and other stuff. I have really been having positive outcomes? (i think that's word i'm looking for) after my sessions, like i just feel so much better, and plus they worked with me with payment so i'm only doing $50 bi weekly sessions. It really works well with me trying to budget. But yeah, i talk about my mom, and my gender with him and stuff.

Now for medication... I kinda shy away from them. I'd much much rather learn more herbal or natural ways to deal with when i get in those very depressive moments. It's just pills kinda scare me. My mom was on anti-depressants, and well i mean i know it's mostly because she was going on and off them which i know is a huge no no, but i know that's one reasons that most have pushed her over the edge and me losing her. So i just i really don't wanna touch any medication. I mean don't get me wrong, i understand and know they help if used properly, correct dosage, and balancing the imbalance of chemicals in brain, but i just the idea of going on pills just really really scares me. One of my biggest fears now is that i'll end up like mom, and i really just don't wanna end up doing that and hurting my loved ones even more than they've already have been from mom's decision.

I just really wanna prefer finding more ohhh gosh i guess natural non chemical ways of dealing with my depressive moments. Like breathing exercises, drinking tea, maybe yoga, meditation, soaking in bath salts or a bubble bath.

And umm yeah, today I actually feel a lot better than I have in awhile, and i think it was from chatting with my counselor. I really felt much better. And also my phone broke last week, but i ordered online a new phone yesterday, so i just have to wait until i get my new phone, and then I can try being more active on here. I don't have internet in my house, so i tend to normally go out to library or a cafe for wifi when i can. But without a phone i'm like completely cut off from everyone. It's really been sucky week. I just can't wait to get my new phone, and i can connected to the world again!!

[Shan]

The VA had me try anti-depressants for PTSD, starting out with a low dose and ramping up over several days. It gave me a weird tic, I'd suddenly twitch violently which was weird, a pharmacist told me to get off of them asap because it was causing a short in my brainwaves. I had to ramp it back down because some of these psychotropic drugs alter brain chemistry completely and permanently. I dealt with my problems opting for extensive counseling sessions as I'm not big on pharmaceuticals either. 

[Trinity]

Great! Including your boots....

Work it kiddo your worth it...use every trick you can learn...

Showers, relaxation waterfall music, visualization of the unicorn forest, talk, you have an arsenal at your finger tips, let it rip!..

Trinity

[Ativan Prescribed]

The weird tic is called Tardive dyskinesias, it's from neuoleptic meds (anti-psychotics).
It's reversible by stopping the meds, but not always.
It can happen with SSRI antidepressants as well.

What they likely gave you for PTSD was a first generation neuoleptic, bad stuff.
They can do permanent damage at medium to high levels over long periods of time.
Second generation isn't much better.
Although some people do end up on them for long periods of time, even permanently, they are meant for short term use.
Psychiatrists love to prescribe them, they basically just dope you out so you think they are helping.
Most of them have people quitting them in the first 6 months, symptom free or not, they simply hate the effect from them.
They are, even prescribed by psychiatrists, a very dangerous class of drugs, you're better off staying away from them.

Anti depressants that seem to work, if you can find the right one, are SSRI's and ones like Wellbutrin.
The lowest dose is always the best and just not having to use them is better still.

Talk therapy is more effective short term and long term if you just work with the therapist, being honest and open.

[Shan]

Mar 17, 2016 6:28:24 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

The weird tic is called Tardive dyskinesias, it's from neuoleptic meds (anti-psychotics).
It's reversible by stopping the meds, but not always.
It can happen with SSRI antidepressants as well.

What they likely gave you for PTSD was a first generation neuoleptic, bad stuff.
They can do permanent damage at medium to high levels over long periods of time.
Second generation isn't much better.
Although some people do end up on them for long periods of time, even permanently, they are meant for short term use.
Psychiatrists love to prescribe them, they basically just dope you out so you think they are helping.
Most of them have people quitting them in the first 6 months, symptom free or not, they simply hate the effect from them.
They are, even prescribed by psychiatrists, a very dangerous class of drugs, you're better off staying away from them.

Anti depressants that seem to work, if you can find the right one, are SSRI's and ones like Wellbutrin.
The lowest dose is always the best and just not having to use them is better still.

Talk therapy is more effective short term and long term if you just work with the therapist, being honest and open.

Excellent analysis Ativan! VA is notorious for throwing pills at everything. The head shrink there is nothing more than a licensed drug pusher. A couple of his patients committed suicide, so I heard and I'm not surprised. Anyway I asked him what he was doing during the VN era, he said that he was in central America scraping hallucinogenic slime off of a certain type of frog, it was a CIA financed program. That's when I quit talking to him.

[Taka]

the natural way to fix depression is also chemical. getting enough of the right ones is one part, and stopping your brain's production of the wrong ones is another.

the first thing to look for are vitamin d and iron levels. make sure they're high enough, even if that means taking supplements.

after that is your diet. no coffee after 2 pm. sugar and sweets at the level of one sugar cube a day at most. no diet coke or other artificial sweeteners, though stevia is likely to be safe. particularly the dried leaves.

wheat should also be avoided. it doesn't do your body any good, and some would insist it's pure poison. though cake can be eaten if it's one piece every sunday.

another point is getting daylight exposure around midday, at least 15 minutes, without sunglasses if possible (has to do with good chemical production). as well as being strict with your sleep schedule. that one can be a little tricky, but going to bed at 10 pm at the latest is a good medicine against anxiety. no phone (turn off sound), no internet, no lights. and no ruminating, so catch yourself when doing that, tell yourself to deal with it tomorrow, and think about something pleasant instead. i've managed to do that so i know it's possible, though i can't really say it's easy.. (and there are some people who can't manage to do that even if they want to, but still worth an honest try)

and physical excersize. just walking around the neighborhood is enough, the point is to give your brain a break. the science teacher in my school could tell you a whole lot about the importance of that, it also has to do with balancing chemicals so your stress levels don't go evil spiralling out of control.


as for herbals... go by your personal taste. if the tea makes you feel relaxed, it's the right one for you. inscense might also work, and just aything that makes you feel more comfortable, really. music as well, anything that calms you down would be good.

(herbal stuff just isn't very likely to work all that well, except for placebo effect, unless some more basic and well proven stuff is in place first)