The deepest wounds- what did your childhood do to you (TW)

[Trinity]

I'm overly sensitive today, hypersensitive to rejection.

I grew up alone.  I was not alone, but in my head, I was always alone.  I am still alone.  Neither a man nor a woman, a transperson, I do not feel like I fit in anywhere, except when I am with other trans.

The faggot calling, the exlusion, the laughter- that was the worse, when they pointed their fingers at me and laughed at me, actually it was that which pushed me over the edge once when I was only 12....it was only for a second buy I came close to killing the boy.

Many bad memories of childhood.  Many good ones, the shrink had to dig them out though, now I am complete.

But the thread purpose is this- how does it affect you now?

It makes me very aware that I was born different, and that I am to those people always going to be "less than", and that I am alone.

Yeah it made me the Fairy all right.  Big time.

It doesn't take much.  The moment I feel rejection or exclusion, all that pain comes back like it happened yesterday.

But what about you?  I doubt there is a single person in here that has not gone through this stuff.   Some worse than others, unspeakably worse.  Mine was mostly mental abuse, I learned how to get even, developed a male persona overlay using what was male inside, it was built entirely on rage.  I got my respect when I pulled a kids arm out its socket on the wrestling mat...but not too far.  Became a terror on the high school mats, won championships.

Rage.

Persona.

A wounded transgender child with no diagnosis and no help learning to fight and find their warrior inside them.

But that rage turns inward, on ourselves, doesn't it?  And we sometimes murder the one inside... in truth, or in mental actions.

Did you kill the offensive part?  Have her or him become reborn anyway and throw in the towel because the component of self was stronger than you?  Was actually you?

God what I went through to embrace "her".  

What is your story?

[Shan]

My little brother and I got farmed out to a Catholic boarding school a hundred miles away from home when our folks were divorcing. He was six years old, I was ten. We got beat regularly by a big nun. My little brother used to cry for his mommy at night and that bitch came out and gave him the stick, I snapped it away from her and she punched me in the mouth and split my lip. We thought mom and dad didn't want us anymore. We came home the following year on the Greyhound bus all by ourselves. Mom had remarried to an abusive drunk who stole my piggy bank for booze money. He showed up after a three week bender and punched my mom in the face. I got his shotgun out, loaded it and chased him away and the cops arrested him. That's when I became a man, I had to protect my little brother and my mom who was a dummy about men. 

The hard stuff of life is what forms us into who we are going to become whether we want to become that person or not, sometimes we have no choice. My little brother was a horrible alcoholic for 40 years, finally he wound up with stage 4 liver cancer and committed suicide about six months ago by sticking a revolver in his mouth. I loved him very much, he had been such a cute little boy at one time. His life had been ruined by circumstance and he never recovered from the pain.

[Trinity]

[Ativan Prescribed]

She was and is in truth more of a tomboy than effeminate.
It's difficult to separate the 'she' and 'he', both are integrated into self and always have been.
I never could say this was feminine and this is masculine.
Most everything is and was shared, there's just two distinct points of view going on.

Sure there are things that I see as effeminate, but they are also distinctly 'tomboyish'.
That side of me always grew tougher, learned to handle the physical side of things as I grew up.
The calculating, cerebral part of me is and was more masculine in nature.
But both of these things are shared, it's just one side or the other that dominates, but not by a lot.
Just enough that it is distinct there are two sides to my gender.
But the feminine side just learned to be tougher, more masculine in nature and the masculine continues to dominate the cerebral things.
I think this is probably ass-backwards from many, but the actual how and why are too long of an explanation for here.

But she does find it odd and gets off on the fact that people just don't see her in the movements and responses to so many things.
She is the more visually present, the facade that is still a tomboy, but is now such that most take it as masculine.
A good example is readily flipping people off in a masculine manner, even crotch grabbing on occasion to get a point across.
The feminine side has always had a certain amount of anger present, controls the rage until the masculine calculating part of me kicks into the front.

But that she part of me is distinctly feminine and has the desires to be pretty and would like nothing better than to be able to.
That's just not something that this body and face are easily adapted to, otherwise I would.
But over the years, the importance of that has diminished and I accept how I look and come off to others.
But people are fooled by her movements and way of expressing herself, there is a level that I guess is not that perceivable that is distinctly feminine.
I suppose that's the learned way to just be accepted as one of the guys, because she is such a tomboy.
Despite this, she still would prefer to look feminine and have the body and face to match, it's an underlying thing that is always present in the background.
She wants to and does get along with women far better than with men, I guess they see something that men don't.

[Trinity]

Choices. Victims, or warriors.

[Trinity]

It is a conscious effort to learn that it is ok to be real. I am a master at hiding in plain sight, my gender can also be the shadow, so good at hiding that it hides even from me.

The junk of all the years created havoc in my mind, now it is in its proper place, and i use it to fight the evils that the social construct enforcers who are "agents" have inflicted on those I meet. The alcoholic addicts of trans, I will and do draw a sword against the disease that seeks to kill them all, us all, but the roots of that disease were often placed in their minds so very long ago...until the physical addiction finishes us off one and all.

Rage is useful to stay going, but it burns out too. Love is the more powerful emotion. Put them together, and watch out.

[Trinity]

[Trinity]

Mar 12, 2016 23:30:07 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

She was and is in truth more of a tomboy than effeminate.
It's difficult to separate the 'she' and 'he', both are integrated into self and always have been.
I never could say this was feminine and this is masculine.
Most everything is and was shared, there's just two distinct points of view going on.

Sure there are things that I see as effeminate, but they are also distinctly 'tomboyish'.
That side of me always grew tougher, learned to handle the physical side of things as I grew up.
The calculating, cerebral part of me is and was more masculine in nature.
But both of these things are shared, it's just one side or the other that dominates, but not by a lot.
Just enough that it is distinct there are two sides to my gender.
But the feminine side just learned to be tougher, more masculine in nature and the masculine continues to dominate the cerebral things.
I think this is probably ass-backwards from many, but the actual how and why are too long of an explanation for here.

But she does find it odd and gets off on the fact that people just don't see her in the movements and responses to so many things.
She is the more visually present, the facade that is still a tomboy, but is now such that most take it as masculine.
A good example is readily flipping people off in a masculine manner, even crotch grabbing on occasion to get a point across.
The feminine side has always had a certain amount of anger present, controls the rage until the masculine calculating part of me kicks into the front.

But that she part of me is distinctly feminine and has the desires to be pretty and would like nothing better than to be able to.
That's just not something that this body and face are easily adapted to, otherwise I would.
But over the years, the importance of that has diminished and I accept how I look and come off to others.
But people are fooled by her movements and way of expressing herself, there is a level that I guess is not that perceivable that is distinctly feminine.
I suppose that's the learned way to just be accepted as one of the guys, because she is such a tomboy.
Despite this, she still would prefer to look feminine and have the body and face to match, it's an underlying thing that is always present in the background.
She wants to and does get along with women far better than with men, I guess they see something that men don't.

Badass, isn't she?  And not one to tangle with.  Almost sounds like a split though doesn't it?   Funny how perception works.

[Trinity]

One of the ugly leftovers for me is the deep seated approval addiction. Its a driving force, acutely painful.

Not a good thing to have as trans.

Thats a childhood result...

[Ativan Prescribed]

Mar 13, 2016 0:10:35 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Mar 12, 2016 23:30:07 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Badass, isn't she?  And not one to tangle with.  Almost sounds like a split though doesn't it?   Funny how perception works.

The easiest way to write or talk about it is as if there is a split.
It's more like having two opinions for everything.
Personality isn't split, one opinion of the two can be more dominate for any given situation, though.
I am always self, singular.

[Trinity]

Mar 13, 2016 0:47:57 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Mar 13, 2016 0:10:35 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Badass, isn't she?  And not one to tangle with.  Almost sounds like a split though doesn't it?   Funny how perception works.

The easiest way to write or talk about it is as if there is a split.
It's more like having two opinions for everything.
Personality isn't split, one opinion of the two can be more dominate for any given situation, though.
I am always self, singular.

Exactly.  I see it as totally simultaneous and at this point, for me, there actually is no he/she.  

Your contribution honey, to my gender.

[Deleted]

Nothing terribly dramatic for me. I simply went underground, mentally and emotionally. I simply didn't want to think about it since it wouldn't have done me any good. Even when, in my teens, it was quite clear that I needed to think about things, I didn't do it.

Life was very dull, very grey, very empty. But I suppose that was better than the war that would have ensued if I'd decided to try to be myself in even a limited fashion. I certainly wouldn't have won that war.

[EchelonHunt]

I've never felt normal, I don't know what being normal means. I've had dreams of exploring galaxies and different worlds, usually ones where I felt a sense of belonging, nothing at all like the reality I was placed in, the body I reside in.

My mind, my fantasies, my characters, they are more real to me than the objective reality around me. I used to fear losing my sight or my drawing hand but I learned I would fear losing my mind or my consciousness, my imagination, the bright, colourful worlds I visit when I stare out the bus window to pass time. Take away my sight, my talent, I don't care, just don't take away my mind, my sense of being, my ability to imagine and dream, because I can't imagine a worse nightmare.

My identity and gender go through waves. My thoughts go places they shouldn't go. They say curiosity killed the cat but cats have nine lives, don't they?

Having overprotective parents puts a damper on things. Because I was born premature and deaf, they felt they had to protect me from the big, bad world. That they had to speak for me at the dinner table if we had guests over. Their paranoia about my safety meant I couldn't do the fun, slightly dangerous things my sister and her friends got up to. I was never bullied, my sister got the brunt of that at school due to her natural red hair, of all things! 

I would cry lots when I was younger and my parents were embarrassed by this, especially in public. I remember vividly one time that my mother was furious and told me to stop crying. For some reason, it got into my head that I was a nuisance to them, that I should stop crying, forever. So I never cried since. I wasn't allowed to express anger either. I had to be quiet, polite, never angry or sad, just the complacent daughter who never objects to anything, who can't have a voice.

I experienced isolation at school due to my hearing impairment. Being unable to hear people and their unwillingness to repeat themselves meant they grew impatient in dealing with me, instead leaving me to my own vices. Which was great because I'd spend lots of time in the library, enjoying the silence and practising my drawing skills. I didn't feel like I needed 100 friends to get by, just a handful was more than enough for me.

As I grew up, I struggled with expressing myself properly. Start of puberty, around 13-ish, I spoke with a German art student online, he was much older than me and kept insisting on "role-play" which involved his dragon character doing sexual things to me. We had regular sessions, initially it was about art but then it went to full-time role-play sex. I expressed talking about art and he got angry, saying he wanted to RP. I became scared, as I disliked making people angry. I had no idea what he was doing to me was wrong, never spoke a word of it to my parents. I had to google the word "orgasm" and someone said it felt like the body sensation of a sneeze, the "build-up" but my child brain got confused and thought having an orgasm was having a sneeze. So I had a sneeze in the RP lol thinking that was it. Eventually, contact between us drifted apart and we never spoke again.

The first sexual dream I had was me being male(!) and raping a helpless woman, the sirens coming closer and then me fleeing. I woke up aroused, I had no idea what rape was back then but I knew enough about sex to know it was sexual in nature. Combined with my likeness of brutality thanks to the brief snippets of horror movies I had seen, the thought of woman's body bleeding was enticing. That was the one and only dream I had that was of that nature. Needless to say, it was apparent that I was not going to have vanilla tastes. I would have issues having intimacy with women because I feared if I let myself go and enjoy myself that I would hurt them. I'm not one to hurt others for my own sexual gratification, even if they consent to it. It's strictly fantasy because it's more vivid that way.

After puberty kicked in, I began to give zero fucks about what my parents thought and lashing out at them angrily. I was so sick of the way they treated me like I was some child to be coddled, like just because I was younger than them, it meant my opinion and feelings held no weight. I also hated that they kept speaking for me at the dinner table and not allowing me to have my own voice. I turned the anger inwards and by this time, the depression from puberty had sunk in deep. I started self-harming as a release and my artworks took a dark turn as I used them to vent my emotions I felt couldn't verbally or physically express.

When I turned 18, I turned towards drinking to forget my problems about being transgender. Shortly after that, I was coerced into vaginal sex and spent the next year or so plagued with dissociation during daily life and whenever I tried masturbating. It was frustrating because orgasms were a source of stress relief for me but the distorted imagery I saw when my mind disconnected with my body as I floated up to the ceiling, feeling empty and weightless, it was interesting and piqued my curiosity so I purposely masturbated to trigger this event to happen. Eventually, it stopped being interesting and the imagery turned violent and all kinds of weird, my mind felt like it was going to break from all the overwhelming stimuli so I stopped doing that. 

My communication with others were lacking. I felt I had no right to have an opinion, a say on things. I became a people-pleaser, doing whatever I can to make people happy and comfortable, even if it hurt me or cost me in some way. A door mat. People saw I was oozing kindness and was passive so naturally, they took advantage of it. This lead me to Michigan, Detroit. One event was in the hotel room, she wanted sex, I wasn't in the mood, she persisted so I gave in and gave her what she wanted. She complained I wasn't into it, that there's something wrong with me and at that point, I completely shut down. She then went on to ramble about if there's something wrong with her and I zoned out after that. She persisted on sex again and like clockwork, I pushed her down and gave it to her. No feeling, nothing. She got what she wanted, rough sex and an orgasm or two. I slumped on the bed afterwards and found myself floating on the ceiling. She wanted me to pay her attention because she was scared of hotels. I could see her hitting my body but I couldn't move from the ceiling. I couldn't scream. I was helpless, stuck in that state until my body passed out. 

My emotional state inwardly is stunted at times. Crying doesn't come naturally anymore, going on T made sure of that. In a way, I'm kind of relieved. T has helped me settle into my emotionless state and being able to express myself better with words, there is no need for me to emotionally express my feelings. I see no reason to react in rage, sadness or anything because it exerts too much energy. Angry at a person who's tapping on their phone instead of doing the speed limit? Wow, that solves nothing but get you riled up. Getting upset because people on FB are assholes? Wow, why not just use the block button? Or think, "Fuck the haters. Imma do what I want, they aren't living my life. I am."

I've always felt there is something wrong with me and when people tell me I'm normal and sane, I have trouble believing them.

I'm somewhere between normal and abnormal, sane and insane, human and monster, female and male, non-binary and trans, asexual and sexual. I'm not clearly defined, I have simple thought processes but combine everything together and I think of myself as being a complex clusterfuck. 

[Shan]

I rarely whine about anything but did bleed my heart out here and there was zero response, not even the slightest acknowledgment, not that I'm important anyway. The other day "Living the Dream" related her story of how she's about to get murdered on the job by a lunatic while the boss does nothing, she's effectively on the verge of homelessness, sadly not much of a response there either. I'm having her file a complaint with EEOC, but hey this is a support site.......really? All we get is music videos by people we will never know or meet and trigger warnings about our hormones and how much our tits hurt? Pretty pathetic! 

[Trinity]

Mar 13, 2016 2:13:20 GMT 8 Shan said:

I rarely whine about anything but did bleed my heart out here and there was zero response, not even the slightest acknowledgment, not that I'm important anyway. The other day "Living the Dream" related her story of how she's about to get murdered on the job by a lunatic while the boss does nothing, she's effectively on the verge of homelessness, sadly not much of a response there either. I'm having her file a complaint with EEOC, but hey this is a support site.......really? All we get is music videos by people we will never know or meet and trigger warnings about our hormones and how much our tits hurt? Pretty pathetic! 

Im sorry Shan.

And i really dont know what to say.