Cis interactions

[Trinity]

Musing on relationships.

My interaction in terms of friends has only 2 cis folk left, both special people.

Everyone else its odd.  No sense of belonging.

I have had that all my life, always knew i was different.

Its only among other trans that i really feel good.  And alcoholics.  Especially lesbian alcoholics.

And i lost my Christian cis friends.  They wont return any calls.

But my relationships now are deeper, richer, have more meaning.  Love bonds.

Relationships...


How has that changed for you?

[EchelonHunt]

I have two cis-female friends, one cis-male friend who just so happens to be the husband of one of the cis-female friends. Rarely see them lately as life has been busy lately with studies.

My experience among transgender folks in my local community is a bit of a mixed bag. For example, transgender women look at me weird when I hear them discussing electrolysis and I ask who they recommend going to, prompting a dismissive response. Just because I'm introduced as FTM, doesn't mean I'm gonna embrace the beard. Geez. I've both positive and negative experiences with transmen, both actually happened at the same time. I went out clubbing with two transguys, they were both ahead of me in terms of transitioning (already on hormones), one of them disliked how feminine I was and openly spoke of his dislike of me to other transguys, whereas the second transguy was of the view that "we all start somewhere" and was accepting of me and didn't judge me at all. Still am close buds with the 2nd transguy to this day. Have spoken to the first one via the transguy group, it seems he has changed, become wise and has helped me out on things I was clueless about. Other transmen experiences were mostly online and some were of the belief that if you don't present as hyper masculine, you're not a "real man" or "trans enough", whatever kind of BS they call it nowadays.

The local FTM group is hosting a get-together day at the beach, on the admin's boat this weekend. Some of the non-binary folks I have spoken to online will be going, still up in the air about whether to go or not. My self-confidence has taken a brutal beating from my dypshoria lately and I'm not sure if I'm up to being in crowds of people who will be drinking.

In terms of family, relationships have definitely changed for the better. It feels more real and genuine. Pre-HRT, I used to give mum and dad a hug every night before going to bed, somewhere along the way, I stopped doing that. I miss it, may start doing it again.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Lost in a small town in the wilderness of west central MN.
Lakes and farm fields.
Was at the local Walmart and noticed that not a single male appearing person has long hair, I was even given a dirty look.
I like that, I stand out even more, lol.
Hopes of finding any friends around here is pretty much null.
But I noticed more people wearing camo, so my usual look at least fits clothes wise.
They probably think I carry a gun and go out and kill animals for fun...
I should google transgender for this town and see what comes up.
I haven't noticed anyone, not even close in the younger teen and 20's, not even at the mall here.
Yep there's a mall, the town serves the communities for 50 miles around.
I miss that college atmosphere that the last place I lived had.
Scoped out a few long shallow hills with decent pavement, but I need to really let my arm heal.
I moved it wrong last night and it hurt pretty bad, it's just fine this morning though.
Cis interactions are pretty much going to be redneck MN...
I hope I shake up their little world while I'm here.

[Shan]

I no longer have any real CIS male friends, the last one was my hunting buddy for many years, but since I no longer hunt I'm no fun for him. He became very critical and nasty, so after 30 years of friendship I crossed him out, deleted and blocked his phone and email. I get along well with CIS women but tend to hold them at arm's length rather than allow an emotional connection to develop. My best Cis friend is my spouse really, she's always been there for me and tried her best to understand my trans issues even though some of it had been hurtful to her. 

Other than the neighbors who are just casual associates, most CIS men and women don't really notice me much, they have their own busy lives and don't waste any time acting badly toward me and my appearance. My friendly outgoing personality is probably helpful and makes me more acceptable to them. Yesterday my wife noticed an older male staring at me, and whispering something in his wife's ear. The woman looked up at me then and then both of them gave me the stink eye. I told my wife they were probably intimidated because I didn't look just as frumpy, old, washed out and colorless as they do. "We need to feel sorry for those kinds darling, because they live pathetic bigoted lives."

[Trinity]

Mar 10, 2016 22:29:42 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Lost in a small town in the wilderness of west central MN.
Lakes and farm fields.
Was at the local Walmart and noticed that not a single male appearing person has long hair, I was even given a dirty look.
I like that, I stand out even more, lol.
Hopes of finding any friends around here is pretty much null.
But I noticed more people wearing camo, so my usual look at least fits clothes wise.
They probably think I carry a gun and go out and kill animals for fun...
I should google transgender for this town and see what comes up.
I haven't noticed anyone, not even close in the younger teen and 20's, not even at the mall here.
Yep there's a mall, the town serves the communities for 50 miles around.
I miss that college atmosphere that the last place I lived had.
Scoped out a few long shallow hills with decent pavement, but I need to really let my arm heal.
I moved it wrong last night and it hurt pretty bad, it's just fine this morning though.
Cis interactions are pretty much going to be redneck MN...
I hope I shake up their little world while I'm here.

You shake things up?

Nah....

HAH!

[Ember]

I feel ashamed of my good fortune. I don't suffer much if any body dysmorphia apart from an occasional jarring sense of wrongness that's generally easy to shake off. Nothing more than a furrow in the brow really. I feel that a male body is as good as female, because neither really contains me, so I'm comfortable simply being in this one. Besides, I'm resourceful enough to make 6'3" male with a handlebar mustache look cute. Maybe it's just cowardice, but I haven't chosen to tell all of my friends just yet. I feel somewhat ashamed and relieved that I can simply let them assume I'm male.

Perhaps this is because I'm still in the early phases of my rebirth. Perhaps this nagging wrongness that comes whenever I hear the name Andy (and heaven forbid Andrew, you can't even force yourself to hear that like 'Andi' in a pinch, you just get slapped with the wrongness of it) will only grow more persistent. I suppose only time will tell.

I'm not particularly worried, however. My best cis male friend in the whole world seems willing to understand, though bless his heart he's as confused as a penguin with a jetpack... Because penguins aren't normally meant to fly. So of course a flying penguin would be confused. It's a good simile, trust me.

Ahem. He's been patient listening to me, and while I haven't wanted to give him the whole scoop at once, he seems content to accept the idea of a neutral gender. Maybe it's just nerves but I think he'd trip on pronouns. Knowing him he'd feel terribly guilty and I don't have the emotional energy to comfort him and encourage him through that just yet. I need to be more stable feeling me before I can be stable feeling me, if that makes sense (it doesn't (shush, you're getting too meta)).

He's actually the man who shared the poem "Wild Geese" with me. I found it transformative.

On the other hand, I have my ex-fiance. She's actually the woman who guided me to the epiphany that set me free. After a long and brutal breakup, the woman which I had held as my proof of masculinity left me to my mental health problems and self destructive ways. I've worked very hard to grow through the hard times and become the... person I am today. Someone remind me to settle on a word to represent my gender soon. I'm open to suggestions. But I digress.

After two years apart, we've finally managed to become friends. Seeing her again reminded me all at once what I had lost. She had always seen me. I never needed to be male for her. All the posturing and pretending, all the self-loathing for my 'lack' of masculinity, it had destroyed my love with the one and only person who had seen through the mask and adored me for me. She had been in love with Ember. And Andy trampled all over it in his blind pain and hate.

Having her friendship again is an affirmation that I have changed, that I've set aside the mask. We've already settled into a beautiful friendship, and I feel at peace with what I have done. Her romantic trust in me is broken, and I understand that not all things may be mended. It shall never be whole again, but that's no reason to avoid a friendship with someone who sees you and accepts you implicitly.

She's the first person to have called me Ember, and oh, the smile she had. What a friend. She is genuinely happy for me, glad to see that I'm free of pain now, glad to benefit from my friendship as well as bolster me with hers.

I know I'll be ready for the next love-of-a-lifetime with friends like these at my back. And I know what I need in a partner now. It wasn't her anyway.

So you see, I have an abundance of riches in my personal life. I wish I could lend you my cis friends, because I know they're incredibly rare jewels of human beings. Perhaps you should come visit sunny Seattle?

Apologies for the rambles, I have no patience for drafts.