Playing a Role or Being Yourself

[Ayla]

When musing offline it occurred to me that playing a role may be a means of finding one self.

I felt that I was learning to act the part of 'male' very early in my life. The trouble was that sometimes I was unaware or forgot that it was an act, it felt as though it was my 'normal', that it was 'me'.  When on stage as a skilled actor, losing yourself in your character is important, even necessary - but doing this as a soul may indeed be 'life' threatening.

We sometimes take on roles in our life for a variety of reasons - some are forced, some are assumed without thought, some are taken on as duty, some due to expectation, some for survival, some for love and some as a part of exploring, validating, expressing, understanding and accepting who we are.

As long as we know which role is an act, which roles are aspects and which role is our truth, provided that we have the freedom and safety to choose the steps of the dance and the music which is played, then all is good.

But for our brothers and sisters who are lost in, or between roles, are scared, cowed, distressed and damaged by dysphoria .. will they understand, be able to choose, play and express roles which give voice, substance and pay homage to their soul?

We are indeed most fortunate. Our paths have been unusual, challenging and sometimes hard, but in the end are proving  passable. How do we help others find their path, their truth and their life?

Safe travels

Aisla

[Shan]

I don't think I was playing a role as a man, I was just being who I was at the time and so I'll not try to justify or even overthink the reasons why I am who I am now. My transition is just a decision based solely on a whim and frankly I'm enjoying it and have few if any regrets at this point. Yeah it's been a struggle, but I was bored as hell and needed a change of venue. I know we're all uniquely different and have different ideas and motives for the decisions we have made. One good that has come of it is that I have become much more sensitive to others who are different and not cast from an original unbreakable mold like so many cis binary people would prefer to believe. That in itself is a mind expanding piece of now personal knowledge and experience that I formerly had never given any thought to.

[Deleted]

Mar 6, 2016 6:36:11 GMT 8 Ayla said:

But for our brothers and sisters who are lost in, or between roles, are scared, cowed, distressed and damaged by dysphoria .. will they understand, be able to choose, play and express roles which give voice, substance and pay homage to their soul?

It seems to me one problem the newbies have is that they think they have to choose a role and then play it once they come out.  You don't have to do that.  You can just come out and do what seems right to you.  Bit by bit you discover yourself, and then you're no longer playing a role.  You're just being yourself.

[Ativan Prescribed]

One of the drawbacks of choosing to be a description, the need to have a label.
Be descriptive.
When I read people doing that here, it has a sense of them being on the path.

[Trinity]

Find the core.

Then watch as it all unfolds.

Roles....so easy to become lost in, so hard to let go.

They come from ourselves and become part of ourselves, till in the end its one big overlay, but the core of who we are, it watches, it does not change. It is us.

Perhaps?

[Trinity]

I am surprized at how comfortable i have become as a female on the street.

The fluidity socially is becoming increasingly normal to me.

The body increasingly female.

Yet on the phone, the male component is strong. That nuance was why my original shrink was resistant to giving me hormones and thought i was a crossdresser. Which still pisses me off.

Fascinating...roles and real...truly..

I do have the advantage of passing if my hair and makeup are on.  And my body language at work is female, its quite uncomfortable, i am moving to andro at work its easier on me.  But harder for them.  I keep it subtle.

Thats the thing.  I play roles for approval.  The approval addiction drives it.  Thats the battlefield in my brain.

[EchelonHunt]

Shortly after I came out a transman, I threw myself into the male role. You name it, I became obnoxious, loud, (regrettably) sexist and threw myself into the button-up t-shirts, snapback caps, and short cropped hair look.

While I was playing a male role, there was some truth under all that; I found I have trouble understanding women (it's different now), intimacy is not my forte, being a father isn't something I'm interested in being, I don't always want to be the "dominant", "giver" person in sexual situations annnnnd I was repressing femininity which is a huge part of who I am.

Once I threw away the male persona, worked on the aspects of truth I discovered about myself through the process, I have come to being myself.

Until I found I don't really identify as male as previously thought. Into the non-binary world I went, I discovered I am genderless but with a strong desire to have a male body in order to alleviate dysphoria. I also want to the freedom to express myself as feminine/female. The thought of appearing female and having male parts, it's appealing to me.

I found myself in the male role once again but for a different reason. Presenting myself as male for legal and some social purposes, classes, possible employment, and transition related stuff like appointments, consultations and surgeries.

Hmm, I wonder, if presenting female but having the name Jason, it would certainly quirk a few eyebrows I've thought of changing my name to Jacey but then again, my lecturer is called Jason but he tells people to call him Jay. I suppose I could do the same for myself but just say Jacey. Its why I like that some forms have "First Name, Surname, Preferred Name"

[Shan]

We're all evolving Jacey!  

[Ativan Prescribed]

Defragging a hard drive right now, am I evolving or just defragging myself?
(It's these odd thoughts that keep me going sometimes)

[Shan]

Mar 8, 2016 23:00:35 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Defragging a hard drive right now, am I evolving or just defragging myself?
(It's these odd thoughts that keep me going sometimes)