How Straight Spouses Cope When Their Partners Come Out

[Deleted]

How Straight Spouses Cope When Their Partners Come Out

This article is the story of Tom Teague (ex-husband of a lesbian wife) and
Lynn Teague (ex-wife of a gay husband), founders of Overcoming Coming Out,
and my future bosses.



"After 16 years of marriage to a woman who would eventually come out as lesbian,
Tom Teague made a promise to himself on a balmy October night in 2003: He would
dance with every straight woman at the bar. Given the particularities of that evening,
the odds were in his favor."

slate.me/1si7peg

[Deleted]

Feb 21, 2015 0:21:47 GMT 8 @julieblair said:

The parallel between gay/straight and trans/straight is certainly there. In both cases there is the perception of betrayal, and blame. Sometimes the communication stays open, that this is not a choice but existential is recognized, and the relationship continues to work.

In my case I was told I was ugly, that I could not and would not ever be a woman, that I was an asshole and a fucker, that she hated me and to get the hell out of her life and say goodbye to my grand daughter. I understood the anger, and the feeling of betrayal but was still left wanting to die.

Sometimes when I read this stuff I still do. It is fucking hard for everyone, I wish that wasn't the reality, but it is and I would not trade my life living authentically even for being loved.

She is now civil to me, and doing all she legally can to leave me with as few resources as she can manage.  Sucksville USA - Thank you for being here.

Julie

Very sad Julie, but as we know you are certainly not alone as this is all too common an occurrence and always leaves me wondering if the woman was just rattling off the vows mindlessly on the wedding day. One for you too kiddo!

[Deleted]

Mine went apeshit crazy. I got called a lot of derogatory names. She always called me a princess when and bitch when we would argue but tranny and shemale after I told her how I really felt. She then told me how she really felt. Pissed her off when I told her thank you.

So yeah. Mine didn't take it all that good. The messed up thing is that my boyfriend now is better looking and more of a man then hers. Poetic justice? Maybe. Maybe she is just a closeted lesbian?

[Deleted]

Back around 1988 or sometime thereabouts all of this started for me and I jumped in with both feet. I kept it quiet with my spouse though, letting her in on what's going on a little at a time rather than going off like a nuclear device and shattering her world. Incrementalism is how governments bring their citizenry around to change so that they don't have to deal with a revolution. If it works for them, I assumed that it would work for me and it was important to remain conversant and keep her apprised of what was going on daily. It's essential to relate plans on a daily basis lest the spouse goes into the hand wringing mode which is a sure sign of anxiety out of control. So one has to be articulate and sensitive, willing to spend as much time as necessary discussing everything. I did that and eventually my spouse conceded that she was unwilling to trash the years we have been together over her fears of the unknown. That was some time ago and we are still together and very much in love with one another. Next june 26th will be our 46th anniversary. I'm not bragging, but I want everyone to know that it is possible if you want it bad enough and are willing to make the effort and your spouse was serious when she took her wedding vows.

[Deleted]

Yes it is...:-)

[Sarah]

I would gently remind readers there are two sides to a coin - -not to make quick conclusion(s) unless both parties in relationship(s) examined, shared here are allowed to be heard. Both parties involved in relationship(s) have needs to be met and it is unfair to only consider the rights of one (to transition) and deny the other, betray trust, honor. To "go off like a nuclear device" too is Not taking ones marriage vows serious. In the excitement of discovery those in a committed relationship should not forget their vows and just ass/u/me the other will tag alone for the ride.
In most states there are laws governing divorce to safeguard being unfair in resource division. Transitioning often comes with a price unfortunately and if one is married prior to transition often marriage, based upon a heterosexual relationship, it will not survive. To be sexual is a great part of intimacy yes? Surely this should be no surprise to any reader here. In the end, hopefully, both sides will move on if need be and enjoy their sexuality, commitment with honest communication. Win/win. But let's not bash, make assumptions about the other side of the story of broken marriage(s) without hearing both sides. It is a negative that leads to more negativity.

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 7:58:22 GMT 8 Sarah said:

I would gently remind readers there are two sides to a coin - -not to make quick conclusion(s) unless both parties in relationship(s) examined, shared here are allowed to be heard. Both parties involved in relationship(s) have needs to be met and it is unfair to only consider the rights of one (to transition) and deny the other, betray trust, honor. To "go off like a nuclear device" too is Not taking ones marriage vows serious. In the excitement of discovery those in a committed relationship should not forget their vows and just ass/u/me the other will tag alone for the ride.
In most states there are laws governing divorce to safeguard being unfair in resource division. Transitioning often comes with a price unfortunately and if one is married prior to transition often marriage, based upon a heterosexual relationship, it will not survive. To be sexual is a great part of intimacy yes? Surely this should be no surprise to any reader here. In the end, hopefully, both sides will move on if need be and enjoy their sexuality, commitment with honest communication. Win/win. But let's not bash, make assumptions about the other side of the story of broken marriage(s) without hearing both sides. It is a negative that leads to more negativity.

Good comments Sarah, let me add my amen to that!

[Deleted]

Read the thread on collateral damage, much is addressed there.

The most difficult and agonizing moment of my life was telling my wife. The work of two years of therapy has been about working on that relationship. My wife is gracious, straight, and deeply religious.

Looking through their eyes is rough indeed, and personally I am hypervigilant about watching her signals.

Most of us on this forum do get it. We live under the driving whip of dysphoria, searching for the truth of who we are.

As the journey unfolds before us, we overcommunicate.

Betrayal is a factor, and many of us were betrayed by a system that thought we could be ....cured...

The psychological damage to me personally is horrific. I have had breakdowns at least four times, never telling my wife.. they tried to fix me, to be...normal. Well, now we have a mess to clean up. Working on that.

Hitting the wall when married is intense. And usually in trans communities, marriages are trashed, coming out mishandled, and misinformation and abounds.

It's a sad part of it all.

But saving the marriage is possible. My wife and I sleep in each other's arms. But I made and make big sacrifices, as does she.

So, it is working, but I don't take it for granted.

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 8:39:15 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Read the thread on collateral damage, much is addressed there.

But I made and make big sacrifices, as does she.

So, it is working, but I don't take it for granted.

No we don't do we honey? Good commentary!

[Ayla]

.. much has been written and will be written on this topic. The need and right to be selfish; the need to respect your partner; the need to give each other time etc etc but one thing I have learned and frankly I have not learned anywhere close to what I need to learn, is that giving love and respect is more likely to bear fruit than blindly pursuing your own ends, but even then success is not guaranteed.

Sexuality may be critical and your partner may be binary etc All of this is true and many other learnings may be true or may come to pass, but every situation is unique so it is best not to assume anything.

The road is full of surprises, there will be many twists and turns. My wife continues to alternately surprise, frustrate, delight, support and to confront me .. as no doubt I do her. But it does work and every now and again there seems to be a seismic shift , a step forward is taken and progress is made. With each step we are more invested, more resilient and better able to express our love and support for each other ..

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Mar 16, 2015 5:23:26 GMT 8 Ayla said:

.. much has been written and will be written on this topic. The need and right to be selfish; the need to respect your partner; the need to give each other time etc etc but one thing I have learned and frankly I have not learned anywhere close to what I need to learn, is that giving love and respect is more likely to bear fruit than blindly pursuing your own ends, but even then success is not guaranteed.

Sexuality may be critical and your partner may be binary etc All of this is true and many other learnings may be true or may come to pass, but every situation is unique so it is best not to assume anything.

The road is full of surprises, there will be many twists and turns. My wife continues to alternately surprise, frustrate, delight, support and to confront me .. as no doubt I do her. But it does work and every now and again there seems to be a seismic shift , a step forward is taken and progress is made. With each step we are more invested, more resilient and better able to express our love and support for each other ..

Safe travels

Aisla

No doubt, and nothing ever changes about that aspect of a cis female, it is what it is my friend! Better understanding that than having to deal with what Solomon once said in one of his proverbs. "A contentious wife is like standing under a dripping roof!"    We play the game and do whatever it takes to make heaven and hell remain in their respective places.

[Deleted]

Mar 14, 2015 7:58:22 GMT 8 Sarah said:

I would gently remind readers there are two sides to a coin - -not to make quick conclusion(s) unless both parties in relationship(s) examined, shared here are allowed to be heard. Both parties involved in relationship(s) have needs to be met and it is unfair to only consider the rights of one (to transition) and deny the other, betray trust, honor. To "go off like a nuclear device" too is Not taking ones marriage vows serious. In the excitement of discovery those in a committed relationship should not forget their vows and just ass/u/me the other will tag alone for the ride.
In most states there are laws governing divorce to safeguard being unfair in resource division. Transitioning often comes with a price unfortunately and if one is married prior to transition often marriage, based upon a heterosexual relationship, it will not survive. To be sexual is a great part of intimacy yes? Surely this should be no surprise to any reader here. In the end, hopefully, both sides will move on if need be and enjoy their sexuality, commitment with honest communication. Win/win. But let's not bash, make assumptions about the other side of the story of broken marriage(s) without hearing both sides. It is a negative that leads to more negativity.

I agree for the most part Sarah. But I would have been in a lebian relationship exclusively. Her needs outwieghed mine though. She needeor wanted a man and not real love. I may be selfish, but who cares? Lying to everyone and hiding it would have killed me or caused me to kill myself.

I can tell you both sides of mine and I have told it before. The man she fell in love iwth was in reality a woman. I was the perfect man. I loved chick fix. We could go shopping in all the stores and patiently I would wait and give her my honest opinion like a girlfriend would have given her. I cooked for her, I cleaned for her when I would come in off the road on my days off. I never cheated on her even thoug I could have.

So my side is that I couldn't supress it anymore. It would have meant death to me. Her side? OMFG I heard it enough after told her my true nature. She wanted a man. Not a "tranny" or "shemale". Not a "he-she" or a "she-he" or the worst fucking insult of all, an "It".

So she has her man now. One that hates shopping. One that has slapped her before but none of my business anymore. She has to deal with that no matter how much it hurts me. And I go my man. One that treats me like a queen. One that shows me romance. One that won't go shopping with me because he hates it. One that knows better than to tell me If what I buy makes my butt look big, one that tells me a "handfull" is more than enough for him. On that treats me like a woman no matter what. Would never raise a hand against me even in anger. But he is always welcome to spank me any time he wants.  Yeha shut up Jamie. God I need to.

But yeah you are 100 % right. Loive is a game of give and take. But you cant give all the time or take all the time either. It is 50/50 I would have stayed with my wife becuase I am bi. She couldn't stay with me. So now we are both happy. Well maybe not so much her. And OMG I don't want this to sound so selfish but she got her man or maybe after I told her I was a woman in reality her idea of a real man. I got my man. Her life even as much as I loved her is hers. None of my business anymore. She has to dcide if she like getting slapped around. My man. I woudn't trade him for the world. He is indeed special after I have heard about the man my ex is with. It makes him even more special. So the little "tranny girl" , the "shemale bitch" got so much luckier in love with a real man than a cis girl. Irony is a funny thing. Well I don;t know if it is real love yet but I ended up with a better man regardless. I cry for her especialy when I hear about what her ass of a boyfriend id doing to her but she has to help herself. I can't anymore.