Nervous breakdowns for no good reason

[Taka]

anxiety is something which i most definitely learned in childhood. pretty much everything was forbidden, and some demands were high.
i was always scared to be caught doing or not doing something.
kind of horrible when i think about it, no wonder it only got worse as time went on and nobody ever taught me that there's no need to be perfect.

so i experience nervous near-breakdowns for absolutely no good reason.
only near-breakdowns, but that's just because i'm too stubborn to let it break me.
i know it will pass. but i'm easily in a state of panic when it goes on.

the bill that i forgot to pay terrifies me.
not going to work for a whole week because i'm on sick leave (doctor forced it on me to be sure) has me panicking.
i feel like i've got to do something. but there's nothing to actually do, other than relax.
which is not too easy when panicking.

so stupid to be afraid of something that won't kill me.
even more stupid that i end up procrastinating because i'm afraid it will kill me when i fail doing it.
how do you even fail to pay a bill... but it feels like i will.
like doing it will kill me, and not doing it will kill me even more.

half laughing at it because it's so comical.
though mostly wishing it could just magically stop.
someone called the entire tendency (there's a lot more to my troubles) hero child behavior.
seems what's wrong with me is that i never had any real heroes in my life. at least not the type to help with simple practical stuff and making me feel good about myself.

not as much complaining, as just sharing the experience.
just in case someone else wants to share their own irrational fears of.. uh, life?

[Trinity]

Sometimes I don't know what I am afraid of.

Sometimes fear can shut my mind down almost completely, thought stops.

Faith is my antidote, and I cut back on coffee, it actually helped.

There is some good stuff on the board now for it.

Its funny, the ones I help the most seem to have anxiety disorders. And helping them, eases mine.

How funny.

And of course I get very afraid of getting to close to people, of falling in love when I shouldn't. But we wont let that happen, it would ruin so many things. Its nice to feel nice feelings, but scary when you've been abused. And sometimes, she is scared of going too far, for the ciswife she adores is everything to her.

(Flashes the eagle, and wants sooty back, h'er eyes haven't been done nicely in a long time).

Yes, fear of loving is a big deal, isn't it. But those little fears my darling, faith can help, and a candle and some insence and a storybook night with your loved ones.

[Taka]

faith does help. without it, i'd be lost way time ago.
the other one's aren't as helpful to me though. except for the cutting down on coffee, which should also be followed by getting enough sleep.

*tiny sootball jumps on fairy's shoulder and soots h'er eyes just a little bit too much*

seems like that kid sooty went into hiding again. but sootball still cares about its fairy.

[Trinity]

Sootball did big things for this Fairy.

Sootball is very special to her.

[Taka]

*sootball dances a happy dance on fairy's shoulders, and drizzles lots of sparkly black soot everywhere*

hehe, sootball can make sparkly stuff now...

[Shan]

Taka, it must be hell! I can't say that I've ever had anxiety over anything. A VA shrink assumed that I had anxiety and low self esteem some years ago when he had me try and relate something that happened in a war forty years earlier because I was staring at the floor and shifting my feet as I was struggling to remember the particulars. He prescribed some kind of anti-anxiety drug which I refused to take ever. I'd seen some of the drugged zombies walking around there and said, "No Way!"

[Trinity]

Feb 15, 2016 6:23:30 GMT 8 Taka said:

*sootball dances a happy dance on fairy's shoulders, and drizzles lots of sparkly black soot everywhere*

hehe, sootball can make sparkly stuff now...

Sootball has lipstick on forehead from sparkly fairy kiss.

Flutters off with sooty on shoulders...

Ohhh its been too long darling.

[Taka]

naughty fairy...
*sootball fluffs*

i don't seem to be badly affected by traumatic events. stuff has happened to me as well, but that never caused any anxiety.

but having parents push their problems and conflicts onto me, while never giving me any assurance of unconditional love, has done some damage. a child isn't really supposed to be their parents' shrink and mediator, and should neither have to feel responsible for younger siblings' wellbeing.

not that i'll hold them responsible for current after effects. except that they don't seem to ever want to stop their shit from affecting me.

at least i've leared stuff. particularly that doing things for someone else's own good is almost guaranteed to cause more harm than good, because nobody can know what's truly good for someone else. and also that conflicts between parents should be kept out of the house, or home won't be a safe place for the kids.

[Shan]

Feb 15, 2016 15:48:52 GMT 8 Taka said:

naughty fairy...
*sootball fluffs*

i don't seem to be badly affected by traumatic events. stuff has happened to me as well, but that never caused any anxiety.

but having parents push their problems and conflicts onto me, while never giving me any assurance of unconditional love, has done some damage. a child isn't really supposed to be their parents' shrink and mediator, and should neither have to feel responsible for younger siblings' wellbeing.

not that i'll hold them responsible for current after effects. except that they don't seem to ever want to stop their shit from affecting me.

at least i've leared stuff. particularly that doing things for someone else's own good is almost guaranteed to cause more harm than good, because nobody can know what's truly good for someone else. and also that conflicts between parents should be kept out of the house, or home won't be a safe place for the kids.

My father was a seaman, never home and always off on a voyage somewhere. I was the eldest child and eventually became the pillar of strength and protector of my mother. It was an unfortunate position for me because as a result I never experienced a real worry free childhood, being privy to all of her worries and concerns. They eventually divorced which was emotionally draining on my brother and myself, then came a flood of suitors attracted to my mother's hourglass figure and misreading her vivacious personality as sexiness. In my teens by this time, there was more than a few that got their asses kicked by this protective son, it was a responsibility that no kid should have.

[Taka]

i seem to have heard that story before.
it's almost weird how many bad childhood experienced there are among folks here.

[Shan]

Feb 16, 2016 4:45:51 GMT 8 Taka said:

i seem to have heard that story before.
it's almost weird how many bad childhood experienced there are among folks here.

Perhaps those childhood experiences play into part of the reason why we become societies anomalies?

[Taka]

Feb 16, 2016 6:01:07 GMT 8 Shan said:

Feb 16, 2016 4:45:51 GMT 8 Taka said:

i seem to have heard that story before.
it's almost weird how many bad childhood experienced there are among folks here.

Perhaps those childhood experiences play into part of the reason why we become societies anomalies?

there's a possibility of that, but it hasn't been proven yet.
and most people with bad childhood experiences don't feel unhappy about their assigned gender.

it's more likely that we seek each other out online because of past experiences.
it's also possible that some of us have been treated unfairly differently by parents because they've sensed some anomaly in us.
my mom at least did that to me. thought it was ok to give up on communicating properly with me just because she's bad with my personality type.
and they've most definitely let me be mediator and shrink because my personality is suited for that sort of thing. it's just wrong of them to make themselves my first patients.

[Shan]

Yeah I'm seeing this played out here. My fifteen year old granddaughter seems to be the adult in her family, she's intelligent, insightful and mature for her age, the parents seem to be the dysfunctional children.