Brain spirit social genders...

[Trinity]

Curious how you experience your self perception of gender mentally.

Mine is extremely fluid.  At the moment i am in full guy mode and loving it.  Just as much as full female mode.  Not role.  Truth.

Has nothing to do with my body.  Its the mind and how i relate to the world and people around me.

I think its so very cool...

You know this one?

Trinity

[Shan]

When I'm with guys, which is pretty infrequent these days, I am always physically presenting androgynously now, however I am in a more masculine persona mentally as reflected by my mode of speech. Whereas when I'm with women and or other trans types the masculine persona melts away to a more full-on androgynous non-binary mode that relates more to the company I'm keeping. Sort of like a chameleon is able to fit into it's surroundings without seeming out of place.

[kdkorz10211]

When I'm around girls, the masculine aspects of myself feel especially potent; I can strongly feel my dude-ness compared to them. Actually, I'd say being around people of any gender brings out the dude in me compared to when I'm by myself. Interesting.

[EchelonHunt]

When I was a teenager, my social life was lacking. I didn't know who I was, therefore I didn't feel confident in being social with others. I hung around a group of girls that had grown up with me in primary school and joined them in high-school. I'm an introvert by nature (still am today) so I find myself being comfortable when I'm alone, away from crowds and noisy places.

When I found out I was transgender, it opened a whole new world for me. I could look at myself and smile in the mirror. I began to open up, become friendly, join in on social events. I feel more comfortable conversing with girls. Guys, it's a different matter. Unless they are classmates, friendly strangers that compliment me at LGBT events, polite guys on public transport or friends I know, I don't actively seek their company. I know not all men are rapists but I cannot deny that I have hypervigilant attitude about being in company of men I do not know or am uncomfortable with. That being said, I am also always on high alert if any women I'm friends with, if they have any inkling of narcissistic, abusive or blatantly using others for their own gains, I cut them out of my life as the tumour they are or cut down my contact with them to very little.

It's not gender related but I find that the more close I am to a person, the more I feel for them. I cut my contact to those who don't respect others because if I am close to them, blinded by my affection for them, I will disregard their nature that negatively impacts others. I don't want to do that, I never want to condone that behaviour so I do what is safe and easiest for me, putting distance between me and them. The farther I am away from them, the less I feel, the less likely I am to feel conflicted between my affection towards them and my distaste of their ugly nature.

The gender related stuff while being in social situations, it only became apparent after I embraced myself as non-binary, loved and accepted myself for who I am.

Around friends whom are female and my family, I act as Jacey, the loveable, chatty, silly dork of a child.

When I am around male friends, I default to Jason, especially when drunk haha, "What's up, bro. Come at me!" but all jokingly and taking the piss out of the male stereotype. I get very boisterous and cocky when I'm like that. Makes me feel invincible (even though I know I'm not).

When I am around male classmates, I become the shy version of Jason. Mostly quiet but will pipe in with a joke when the atmosphere welcomes it.

When I am around female classmates, I become the shy version of Jacey. VERY quiet but will be dorky when the moment calls for it. I'm not even kidding, I get SO shy around female classmates, especially two whom I'm friends with.

When I am around transgender friends, if they are MTF, I'll act as Jacey does around female friends. If they are FTM, I'll act as Jason around male friends.

When I am around non-binary folks... not sure! I haven't met a non-binary person locally long enough to gauge my reaction but if I had to guess, I would act as I do around family and here, as Jacey.

[Taka]

my social gender is mostly non-female, except for odd formalities.
means i'm bad at typical female interactions, and even worse at the stereotypical ones.

but my own experienced gender feels more like a prickly "don't tag me as a gender (particularly not female!)". any good feelings i get from social interactions will shut down the moment i notice people treating me like a woman rather than me. makes me somewhat feminist when that's male prejudice and overbearing control, but i don't like it any better when women talk to me as if i were one of them, unless it's just sharing common knowledge of the female bodied and/or socialized.

[Shan]

Feb 12, 2016 4:49:23 GMT 8 Taka said:

my social gender is mostly non-female, except for odd formalities.
means i'm bad at typical female interactions, and even worse at the stereotypical ones.

but my own experienced gender feels more like a prickly "don't tag me as a gender (particularly not female!)". any good feelings i get from social interactions will shut down the moment i notice people treating me like a woman rather than me. makes me somewhat feminist when that's male prejudice and overbearing control, but i don't like it any better when women talk to me as if i were one of them, unless it's just sharing common knowledge of the female bodied and/or socialized.

Hi Taka!
     Nice to see you posting, been taking care of my reindeer? I prefer to treat you like Taka and not like a gender anyway. You just wanna be you, me too!

[Leena]

I'm curious, for those of you that act differently around guys than when with girls, how do you act in mixed company?

That's been an issue for me for quite while, I've always acted like a girl around girls, I am just really quiet around guys but not uncomfortable really, but in mixed company I'm really uncomfortable.

[Trinity]

Feb 12, 2016 14:25:57 GMT 8 Leena said:

I'm curious, for those of you that act differently around guys than when with girls, how do you act in mixed company?

That's been an issue for me for quite while, I've always acted like a girl around girls, I am just really quiet around guys but not uncomfortable really, but in mixed company I'm really uncomfortable.

More guy than girl but often neutral.  As i get more tired of the macho act it really heads for the mixed or better said genderless position socially.

Around those i trust, sh'e reveals herself.

Its also environments.  But the moment I feel threatened, he takes over.

I suspect this will change over time to more neutral / she.  If I stop caring what the guys think or say.  Conditioned response to abuse/ threat is tough guy persona.

Trinity

[Trinity]

And i am always uncomfortable around straight guys. Mixed company or not. Always hyperaware.

Guy mode is somewhat of a defence mechanism.  Its a part of me that was developed to protect the other part of me, and to hide her.  Under heavy stress, it can even create a split in my gender, but now that happens very rarely.  The split is really just one part becoming dominant over the other, either due to fear, or necessity, or just being stuck too long in one way of presenting or of revealing - which is the better terminology.

In mixed company I am always aware of being my own gender, the one unlike everyone else, or like everyone else.  There is always that hint of jealousy when I am around the women, because I want the freedom they have, even though the way they think is foreign to the way I think.  Its a lonely walk, this trans life.  I get withdrawn though, in mixed company.  I can play the game with the guys, they all are anyway I think, to some extent or another.  They are all playing into the matrix, the construct, yet its also who they are and their truth.  But I feel more threatened around men than around women.  I will take them on at this point, but prefer to just be silent, and alone, even with them.

Its a good question.  I was at a party over Christmas, I just gave up and walked back to my desk.  I have no sense of belonging with others, the cis.  None.  But I would rather be alone and be myself than be with so many others and have to hide in plain sight.

So yeah.  There is a lot of discomfort for me.  is it shyness?  It used to be, now, its just this quizzical amusement.  And I am attracted to both sexes, and have to deal with hiding that too.  So the core in me is always watching the dynamics of how i react, what I am doing.  Sometimes she is surprised by it all, especially when the male persona is in play, she wonders how it can feel so real, when it is so different from who she is in her own skin.  But its not really.

Its a paradox, isn't it, nonbinarism?  A fascinating mix of social and maybe physical genders, in this constantly shifting ball of self, reacting to the things around us, interacting, being, as the core of ourselves continues to watch, and learn, and discover the truth of our lives.