I'm not allowed to wear mens clothing or cut my hair. Help!

[thatguyj]

Me and my mom have been arguing about clothing and hair. I desperately need mens clothing. When I wear girls clothing it makes me feel really bad and uncomfortable. I have explained to her about my gender identity many times but she doesn't even try to understand. I told her that I would be more comfortable wearing mens clothes. I asked if i could swap clothing online so i could get the stuff I need. But she absolutely will not allow it because I am a girl, young woman. Also, I want to get my hair cut into a pixie cut. But she wants me to get a bob haircut. Which I hate. I just want to present myself in masculine way. And I can't do that! I want to wear mens clothing and get a pixie cut so much. I have been feeling very angry and depressed. Is there anything I can do about this?

[EchelonHunt]

If it's okay, I will need to ask some questions in order to be able to help you more:

How old are you?

Do you have your own income? (E.g. pocket money from parents, your own bank account, government benefits or do your parents pay for everything?)

Does your mother accompany you to the hairdressers and sit there the entire time?

To appease your mother in letting you get a pixie cut, mentioning Natalie Portman, that having short hair doesn't detract from her femininity.

Although being feminine is not your goal, it will just make a hard pill easier to swallow for your mother.

If she doesn't agree, if you are able to be alone with the hairdresser, ask for a shorter length or if you can be patient, this may be best in long-term, get the bob-style but have the hairdresser trim it shorter every time so it gives your mother time to adjust to you having shorter hair.

Or just bam, cut it all off and let your mother deal with it, although she may react negatively.

Its a tricky situation but eventually she will understand you are your own person, you have the right to have your hair whichever way you like.

Here is a picture of me with my hair when it would grow out, it would annoy me at the length it grew to so I would get it cut short like the right picture. I miss my short hair actually, zero maintenance and looked good all the time.



About mens clothes, what do you mean? Button up shirts? Men style jeans? Anything that is not a feminine style or form-fitting in all the cringe-worthy places?

Do you have any friends who have brothers who possibly may have any hand-me-down clothes?

Personally, I love the neutral style, a plain colour tshirt (no graphics, if I do, they are nerdy!) and jeans/shorts. Its neither feminine nor masculine. Neutral but neutral often leans slightly towards masculine for FAAB folks so this will work in your favour.

Just say you want to wear casual clothes more because they are comfy. It worked for my mum cus she knew I was miserable being forced into girl fit tight clothes. Seriously, every photo of me wearing that stuff, I glared at the camera haha.

I feel for ya but hang in there, it'll get better with time. Be patient, try not to force it on them too much as they need time to come to terms with it.

[Trinity]

I comb mine straight back and spray it when male presenting. Otherwise its femme.

And go to center on clothes, andro.

[thatguyj]

Jan 24, 2016 15:00:08 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

If it's okay, I will need to ask some questions in order to be able to help you more:

How old are you?

Do you have your own income? (E.g. pocket money from parents, your own bank account, government benefits or do your parents pay for everything?)

Does your mother accompany you to the hairdressers and sit there the entire time?

To appease your mother in letting you get a pixie cut, mentioning Natalie Portman, that having short hair doesn't detract from her femininity.

Although being feminine is not your goal, it will just make a hard pill easier to swallow for your mother.

If she doesn't agree, if you are able to be alone with the hairdresser, ask for a shorter length or if you can be patient, this may be best in long-term, get the bob-style but have the hairdresser trim it shorter every time so it gives your mother time to adjust to you having shorter hair.

Or just bam, cut it all off and let your mother deal with it, although she may react negatively.

Its a tricky situation but eventually she will understand you are your own person, you have the right to have your hair whichever way you like.

Here is a picture of me with my hair when it would grow out, it would annoy me at the length it grew to so I would get it cut short like the right picture. I miss my short hair actually, zero maintenance and looked good all the time.



About mens clothes, what do you mean? Button up shirts? Men style jeans? Anything that is not a feminine style or form-fitting in all the cringe-worthy places?

Do you have any friends who have brothers who possibly may have any hand-me-down clothes?

Personally, I love the neutral style, a plain colour tshirt (no graphics, if I do, they are nerdy!) and jeans/shorts. Its neither feminine nor masculine. Neutral but neutral often leans slightly towards masculine for FAAB folks so this will work in your favour.

Just say you want to wear casual clothes more because they are comfy. It worked for my mum cus she knew I was miserable being forced into girl fit tight clothes. Seriously, every photo of me wearing that stuff, I glared at the camera haha.

I feel for ya but hang in there, it'll get better with time. Be patient, try not to force it on them too much as they need time to come to terms with it.

How old are you?
I am 22

Do you have your own income?
I have no money.My Mom pays for everything.

Does your mother accompany you to the hairdressers and sit there the entire time? My Mom goes with me to the hairdressers but she leaves while I'm getting my hair done then comes back.

About mens clothes, what do you mean? I mean mens shirts and jeans.

Do you have any friends who have brothers who possibly may have any hand-me-down clothes?
Sadly no.

[Trinity]

Im kind of at a loss here...are you in school? Going towards independence?

Its hard when you are tied down like that. But there are little changes you can make...

I wonder what they are.

[EchelonHunt]

You are 22 years old, that is good. You aren't a minor anymore but at the age of being a responsible adult  That is, if I have the US laws remembered correctly!

If you are 22, this brings me confusion as to why your mother still pays for everything and is not teaching you to become financially independent.

In Australia, we become legally adults in the eyes of the law at 18, that was the age my mother put a debit card (savings account) in my name, to allow me independence to manage my own money. She also got me to do chores in exchange for pocket money, that was until I was able to be on government benefits.

If you aren't doing chores already, you could ask your mother to do chores around the house in exchange for pocket money. Explain that you want to be able to learn how to be more independent and be able to have your own money to buy your own things.

Is there a reason you don't have a job? Are you at school or studying at college/university? Getting a job would help you earn your own money and that way, your mother would not be able to have any say in what you can or can't buy.

That your mother leaves during the hairdresser session is excellent, you can ask the hairdresser to trim your hair to whatever you like. This does involve going behind your mother's back but hey, hair's hair. I used to do the same!

Mens clothes... mens shirts and jeans. So plaid shirts and jeans, for example?


_{Two female models wearing casual plaid shirts & jeans.}

Feminine markers & how to remedy them to achieve a masculine look:

- Make-up - remove bright colours (e.g. lipstick), can use foundation and contouring to accentuate masculine appearance.

- Slim-fitting shirt at waist - get bigger size shirt to hide curves/hips.

- Slim-fitting shirt at bust - get bigger size shirt to hide chest/wear a binder or wireless sports bra.

- Long hair - tie back into a ponytail under the hat or cut it short.

- Handbag - the silver chain is a deadset give away, swap for a black/brown leather wallet to put in one of your jean pockets. (If you do need a bag, a messenger bag or backpack will suffice.)

- Belt buckle - the bling curved shape of it is very feminine, swap for a regular belt with a rectangular buckle. Avoid very thin belts as they are associated with female fashion.

Follow those tips and you should get something like below. By the way, you don't always have to tuck the shirt into your jeans. Having them untucked emphasises the casual look.


_{Two male models wearing casual plaid shirts & jeans/pants}

T-shirts:



The only difference between women and male t-shirts is the fitting of it, the sleeves and the collar. Many women's shirts have low-rise collars and short sleeves.

The short sleeves used to be tight around my arms and very uncomfortable, this was what I complained to my mother and in turn, she let me buy male t-shirts.

Tank tops:

Female clothing have diversity in things like tank tops - this is excellent for gender non-conforming folks. 



Avoid the tank-tops with thin straps (Left) and find tank tops that have wide straps (Right) which look exactly like male tank tops. If they are too form-fitting at your usual size, go up a size or two.

I wear female tank tops opposed to male tank tops because the male tank top sleeve openings are very large, female tank tops allow me to cover up my top surgery scars under my arms to protect it from the sun. 

Type of Women Jeans:



- Go for Bootcut, Straight or Boyfriend style of jeans. Boyfriend is really great style as it is men jeans but made to be comfortable for women (you won't have to modify the leg length like you would with men jeans)
  Avoid skinny & super-skinny and flare as it accentuate the legs to look more feminine. Go a size up if you want them to look relaxed or baggy.

(I'm not saying you can't wear skinny or super-skinny jeans as heck, even dudes wear women skinny jeans, but this would just be my advice if you wish to go for a masculine presentation.)

- Womens jeans tend to have small pockets. I'm not even kidding, it's one of my biggest gripes with them because I could not fit my phone or wallet into them. I didn't want to carry around a handbag or a small bag so I complained about the small pockets to my mother and she agreed that they were pretty bad, so she let me buy men jeans. Men jean's pockets are MUCH larger and it was a godsend for me."

- Low-Rise & Very-Low-Rise jeans where the jeans settle under the navel and on the hips is very helpful at hiding the curves. Many men jeans are low-rise.

Type of Men Jeans:



- Straight, loose and bootcut are suitable jeans to wear that will disguise your curves/hips and legs.

- Being jeans designed for men, they are longer in length as men are taller than women, so you may have to fold the bottom of the jeans but that may look awful so if you have sewing abilities, you can wear the jeans with your favourite shoes, pin them at the length where you want them to fall against your shoe, cut the extra length off and sew a hem. I have done this for many mens jeans I have brought and it worked a treat! If you don't know how to, your mother or any of your friends are handy with a sewing machine, they may be able to do this for you.

- POCKETS!!!! So deep, it can be like the magician's hat. 

I hope this helps! 

Please do keep us updated on what is happening, we may be able to help along the way. Having patience is key, I know it is hard when all you want to do is be yourself. This is a delicate process, it cannot be rushed. Baby steps is crucial, one step at a time. One goal at a time.

Kind regards,

Jacey

[Trinity]

Terrific post Jayce.

On the coping side, easing into the looks and going to middle genered looks can help.

Hats...you can do wonders with hats...

Knowing who you are inside is big. The outer things are important, but being you regardless of the outside, thats huge.

Getting boxer shorys is another biggie. That may be a little harder. I hid my underwear for a long time to stay hidden.

I have family pressure too. Its none of their business. I do what i must and hide who i am from them.

But its getting better, i am full out with my wife. It took time. Patience.

Trinity

[Trinity]

Slicked back or under hat.  5 inch long hair.

Be creative...

Thats a large shirt.  Jackets, sweaters with front buttons....i have boobs.  See how they hide?

Trinity

[Squishy]

^^^^ Trinity, I love the getup!

There's some great advice here. I think I'll be bookmarking this one.

I couldn't recommend 'boyfriend' jeans highly enough. Superdry do some good ones. Good quality too. They're hard to find around here so I usually stock up when I do see them. I also think hoodies are great. They're comfy and hide all the bits you may want to hide. Most of my clothing is hoodies - I really should branch out a bit more! Biker jackets are another fave, depending on what you do with them/what style you get you can make the masculine or feminine.

Does anyone have any tips for formal attire? Especially work clothes. This is an area where I struggle for ideas.

[Shan]

I'm not sure what type of work you would be doing, which would probably determine what might be suitable attire. I'm out of the work scene and retired, but I found that for NB casual I like some of the flannel tops from the women's section at Duluthtrading.com. They are intended to be worn untucked and outside of one's jeans. They don't have the long front and rear laps that men's shirts do, and they ride about mid-way over the butt in back and just cover the crotch in front. I wear my jeans pulled all the way into the crotch since I don't have "the package" to interfere with that, so you get the picture. Later in better weather I like their T's with 3/4 length sleeves. One of their claims to fame is that they are just a bit longer to cover the crack when one bends over. 

[Squishy]

Mar 20, 2016 0:05:17 GMT 8 Shan said:

 One of their claims to fame is that they are just a bit longer to cover the crack when one bends over. 

That's always a handy feature

Flannel shirts sound like a good idea. Thanks.

[Taka]

plaid flannel shirts... are butch lesbian fashion. this could make you come off as very woman despite the masculine signals.

i do have two shirts of that sort though, because of awesome quality at a low price. or at least i think i have them, as my little brother has this tendency to take my shirts when i'm not looking. just like how i take his when i can't find anything good in my own wardrobe...