Post by EchelonHunt on Jan 4, 2016 0:18:37 GMT 8
The subject title is something that I'm not sure fits how I feel.
All my life I have struggled with my sense of self, who I was and who I am.
I did not have a concrete identity. I didn't know myself, not in the true sense.
I had accepted some aspects of (personality) myself that I suppressed before, thanks to Lee & Trinity.
Even now, it sways from genderless, masculine, feminine to lesser than genderless - to something akin to the abyss laying where my soul resides. (I am OK with this, I like what the abyss represents)
There was even a time where I became so stressed about the prospect of transitioning being delayed forever along with struggling to cope with the past event of sexual assault, that I began to believe my fictional characters I created, were real in my head.
Most were, for a lack of a better word, tomboys or androgynous/feminine boys.
It helped me acknowledge that I have aspects from each of them inside me, not just appearance and identity-wise but personality-wise.
They became me, I became them. We became one.
Sometimes I will look in the mirror and won't recognise who I am. What familiar features I once recognised become alien and unnatural to look at. It sometimes feels like a stranger is looking back at me. A stranger inhabiting a body I once knew.
Sometimes I don't even believe I am human. I sometimes think of myself as a demon or an alien from outer space who was sent to observe the human species. Not out of malicious intent but rather a curiosity and knowledge. I know, right. You’re thinking, “Yeah, right! Humans are a despicable species.” And you’d be right but I can’t help but feel humans have their cute quirks and odd charm about them.
I've spent most of my life observing others. I learn as much as I can about someone in terms of how they handle themselves, their emotions, how they react to and treat others along with their body language before opening up to them.
I want to look different everyday, I want to be creative with my appearance. Looking the same is boring. I want to represent all the incorporated aspects of myself. I want to dress myself up in the way I feel and am on the day, even if it’s a different gender or none at all.
I will have spontaneous urges to want to create a new identity, new name, and live in an entirely new city… to hit reset. I wanted to go as far as having plastic surgery to look Japanese and even had a somewhat gender-neutral Japanese name picked out and everything. But part of me knows that it’s extreme to go to that length and even if I did go to that length, I wouldn’t even be accepted as Japanese, I would always be considered “gaijin” which is Japanese for foreigner.
Ultimately, I feel like my borderline traits that I was diagnosed with… which include unstable sense of identity, I feel it skews my perception of my gender and my sense of self.
I found this by chance on Tumblr, I searched "gender identity tumblr", this was the first entry to pop up on my page. I read it and couldn't believe what I was reading.
It sounded like how I felt. Usually agender, but my gender shifts based who I am with. With my dad and his mates, I shifted to more guy, more male in terms of everything. When I'm with my female friends, I feel female and feminine. When I'm by myself, I just feel genderless and feel like the child that I am at heart, devoid of secondary sexual characteristics.
It could just sound like gender fluidity but does gender fluidity rely on social and emotional cues? Could my hypersensitivity to the shifts in my gender just be me or have other people experienced this?
All my life I have struggled with my sense of self, who I was and who I am.
I did not have a concrete identity. I didn't know myself, not in the true sense.
I had accepted some aspects of (personality) myself that I suppressed before, thanks to Lee & Trinity.
Even now, it sways from genderless, masculine, feminine to lesser than genderless - to something akin to the abyss laying where my soul resides. (I am OK with this, I like what the abyss represents)
There was even a time where I became so stressed about the prospect of transitioning being delayed forever along with struggling to cope with the past event of sexual assault, that I began to believe my fictional characters I created, were real in my head.
Most were, for a lack of a better word, tomboys or androgynous/feminine boys.
It helped me acknowledge that I have aspects from each of them inside me, not just appearance and identity-wise but personality-wise.
They became me, I became them. We became one.
Sometimes I will look in the mirror and won't recognise who I am. What familiar features I once recognised become alien and unnatural to look at. It sometimes feels like a stranger is looking back at me. A stranger inhabiting a body I once knew.
Sometimes I don't even believe I am human. I sometimes think of myself as a demon or an alien from outer space who was sent to observe the human species. Not out of malicious intent but rather a curiosity and knowledge. I know, right. You’re thinking, “Yeah, right! Humans are a despicable species.” And you’d be right but I can’t help but feel humans have their cute quirks and odd charm about them.
I've spent most of my life observing others. I learn as much as I can about someone in terms of how they handle themselves, their emotions, how they react to and treat others along with their body language before opening up to them.
I want to look different everyday, I want to be creative with my appearance. Looking the same is boring. I want to represent all the incorporated aspects of myself. I want to dress myself up in the way I feel and am on the day, even if it’s a different gender or none at all.
I will have spontaneous urges to want to create a new identity, new name, and live in an entirely new city… to hit reset. I wanted to go as far as having plastic surgery to look Japanese and even had a somewhat gender-neutral Japanese name picked out and everything. But part of me knows that it’s extreme to go to that length and even if I did go to that length, I wouldn’t even be accepted as Japanese, I would always be considered “gaijin” which is Japanese for foreigner.
Ultimately, I feel like my borderline traits that I was diagnosed with… which include unstable sense of identity, I feel it skews my perception of my gender and my sense of self.
I found this by chance on Tumblr, I searched "gender identity tumblr", this was the first entry to pop up on my page. I read it and couldn't believe what I was reading.
It sounded like how I felt. Usually agender, but my gender shifts based who I am with. With my dad and his mates, I shifted to more guy, more male in terms of everything. When I'm with my female friends, I feel female and feminine. When I'm by myself, I just feel genderless and feel like the child that I am at heart, devoid of secondary sexual characteristics.
It could just sound like gender fluidity but does gender fluidity rely on social and emotional cues? Could my hypersensitivity to the shifts in my gender just be me or have other people experienced this?
