When environments scare us

[Trinity]

So i get to the doc office, i go down a street from hell and have sunglasses over my mascara. I go into survival mode and put a hand in my pocket so they arent sure if i am carrying or not.

In the office it hits me that in this neighborhood i could be outed to reletives at any time.

So i sign in and the first thing i see is a form with the usual gender boxes.

And a box for preferred name.

And a box under gender for mtf and ftm trans.

And i go to the nongendered bathroom and put on my hair and breathe.

In the middle of hell, an island of caring...

Yes its scary to be trans, but if it was like this clinic, we would just be people to love like everyone else.

Its a docs office for trans health. I need my meds and a mamogram someone actually pays for. For right now living the binary wins. I just dont have the strength to fight the pressure right now.

And i think im with a bunch of ts folk in the waiting room and i cant even tell..

And they are calling me Trinity and a nurse just said "hello beautiful". I melted.

Such an interesting way to live...

Trinity

[Deleted]

You ain't lyin' for sure. But it's like anything else though. The more you get used to it the more comfortable you will become with it and the more you can embrace who YOU are the less you will care what others think about you. Usually most people could give a crap less. Some do but most don't.

[Trinity]

My tolerance for the hiding stuff is getting really tiny lately.

I actually could live this but not under current conditions. Once i retire who knows, ill be 8 years into transition.

Yesterday was amazing. Every day is becoming something you would expect in a movie.

Wow.

[Trinity]

Omg they are getting me everything, the shots, the mamo, everything...

Thank God I came here

[Trinity]

Well back to topic.

Why do we feel forced to blend in?

Soon as i hit the street i went nb blend. Stonger feelings.

Docs office with other trans, peer pressure, girl. Nice to hear "trinity" when they call my name. Everyone.

When i feel threatened i seem to hunker down in a presentation social mode.

I think the most real and inclusive is still the mix. But sometimes its just easier to be full out whatever.

Huh.

[Deleted]

Dec 29, 2015 8:49:07 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Well back to topic.

Why do we feel forced to blend in?

Soon as i hit the street i went nb blend. Stonger feelings.

Docs office with other trans, peer pressure, girl. Nice to hear "trinity" when they call my name. Everyone.

When i feel threatened i seem to hunker down in a presentation social mode.

I think the most real and inclusive is still the mix. But sometimes its just easier to be full out whatever.

Huh.

Belonging in the "mass" of society. Craving to be part of the herd. Wanting to be accepted as "normal" in the eyes of society. I could go on and on. One example would be that everyone loves a rebel. they are romanticized and looked to with awe. Most people can't be a rebel though because they feel they have to fit in society and keep a job and have a unified family unit in harmony and so on. Most people dream of telling their bosses or superiors when they make dumbass mistakes to call them idiots and tell them to go screw themselves. Very few people will stand up to their superiors and most will kiss ass to get ahead. Then they go home wishing they would have stood up and then watch movies about rebels on the weekends. This is really sad. You don't have to tell a superior to fuck off but you can question a superior's motives and decisions. Hell I did in the Army and got more AAM's than I can count. I even ended up with an ARCOM when I left Korea which was rare. But I always questioned and never followed blindly. Unfortunately the corporate world don't appreciate that attitude.

The thing about society, especially today's society is that Carl Jung was right. We are becoming nothing than "units" in society and churches. We are shedding our individualism for just a spot on the "ladder". This is pure Psychology of society in general and mass thinking and or hypnosis. The mass hypnosis is thinking we must fit in. We don't have to fit in though. We lose our individualism then we also lose our exceptionalism as unique sentient human beings. Then we just become another unit that makes up the mass.

This is why we feel the need to fit in. We don't have to. Hell I don't and will go out of my way not to fit in. I will speak my mind and if someone doesn't like it then they can kiss my butt. Well at least it is smooth and somewhat sexy for them to kiss.  I say we should be taking advantage of our individualism but be weary because society will fool you into thinking that you are expressing individualism but still puts you in and inescapable box and makes you just another unit.

I know this sounds kind of twisted but... It really isn't when you think of it. I would rather be an idividaul named Jamie than just another transgender lumped with other's in the LGBT community that vote for a certain party or is offended by the same thing as some others are. Actually I have a big mouth and don't need anyone to speak for me. I can talk all by myself and have separate opions than some and my opinions line up with others'. So do we need a spokesperson for our feelings? No. I still believe Caitlyn Jenner as a mouth piece for the trans community is a joke and will not be taken seriously. Besides I can talk for my self and we all should. I am an individual and I am special and can contribute to society if I so choose. But as an individual it is my choice. I am not trans, I'm just Jamie which happens to have been born as transgender. So this may sound really messed up but being transgender is a part of who I am individually but is not the one thing that defines me. there are many different levels that define who I am and I embrace everyone of them and that makes me feel idividualized. I am special. You are special and everyone else is special and unique but we need to realize that and practice our individualism instead of jsut being happy as another "unit".

This may not make too much sense but it does to me. I am Jamie and many different aspects define me even being trans but being trans isn't the only thing that defines me. If that makes sense????