The age trap

[Trinity]

I dont think i can ever forgive the ones that stole my trans feminine young life.

It cuts me some days deep into the core.

With the extreme stress of this last year my face has aged 20 years.  It hurts, my loves, it bites and wont let go.

It is affecting my gender, i want to recover what i lost, i want my life back.  To be bullied out of my God given right to be trans, i am so very mad...so deeply angry.

This must never happen to another of us.  

How has your age affected you related to your gender?

Love you all.

Trinity...Satinjoy

[Deleted]

Look Trinity. We have to live in the present and who we are now and look to the future and who we want to be. If we live in the past we will just become bitter and hateful so we have to let it go. Yeah well I caught hell in my past by being who I was. Thank God I had some that would protect me from the idiots. So you could say that I was a Trap in my past. But my age has let me not really care too much what people think.

We are who we are Sweetie. Don't be bitter about it. We do make our own choices and that choice is for us or others. I made mine and found a way to make it fit. Now I live how I want to. So I am in my mid forties? Yeah I did some wild shit in places that weren't ready for a trans girl at the time but my boyfriend/ boyfriends could take care of themselves with all the BS and in turn take care of me. But when I was alone though? It was a hard life until I went to LA and then it was still hard but a little more accepted.

But 40 is then new 30 and 50 is the new 40 and 70 is the new 50 so... Just live for who you are now. I did in my younger years except for 4 of those years and it was hard. Really, really hard. Plus I had an excuse even. But yesterday is irrelevant gone and today we have the choices we need to make and tomorrow is where we are headed. So look forward to the future and decide where you or who you want to be tomorrow.

I don't guess I really hid it though so I don't feel no one stole those years from me. The only one that did was myself. I have lived on the streets before so.... Yeah I hid it for certain people but others I let it all out. More or less two lives?

But who you had to be in the past, forget about it. Be who you are now. And work to who you wanna' be in the future.

[Trinity]

Helps.

There a lot of forgiving to do here.

Not going to be easy.

Ill have a chat with my God about it I need His help.

This stuff is deadly.

Blessings

Trinity

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2015 5:00:09 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Helps.

There a lot of forgiving to do here.

Not going to be easy.

Ill have a chat with my God about it I need His help.

This stuff is deadly.

Blessings

Trinity

People can be stupid. Especially when we were growing up Trinity. Just don't be so bitter and angry that it hurts you. I think we all carry baggage.

Hell hon. Look at it like I do. I don't have no room for ill will or grudges for anyone in my past because I have seen where some of them ended up. Besides I have too many people in my life that is important now that I have to make room for so the idiots in the past are irrelevant in my life now.

I really didn't have to forgive, I just had to let it go.

[Trinity]

Dec 15, 2015 8:03:03 GMT 8 @jamie said:

Dec 14, 2015 5:00:09 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Helps.

There a lot of forgiving to do here.

Not going to be easy.

Ill have a chat with my God about it I need His help.

This stuff is deadly.

Blessings

Trinity

People can be stupid. Especially when we were growing up Trinity. Just don't be so bitter and angry that it hurts you. I think we all carry baggage.

Hell hon. Look at it like I do. I don't have no room for ill will or grudges for anyone in my past because I have seen where some of them ended up. Besides I have too many people in my life that is important now that I have to make room for so the idiots in the past are irrelevant in my life now.

I really didn't have to forgive, I just had to let it go.

Therapy got heavy tonight.  I guess im pretty mad.  Mad enough to wig up and have the guts to use a ladies public bathroom.

Therapy is going to be intense this year.

He definitely gets my hormone needs.

[Ayla]

Trinity

I can feel your pain and your distress but as Jamie says looking backwards is unhelpful. Whether it is with regret or with anger, looking backwards does nothing other than give you a sore neck and will likely cause you to crash into something right in front of you. Stay in the moment. Count your blessings --- and they are many. Then move on and live the best life that you can.

I spend and have spent far too much time looking backwards. In reality I am very, very fortunate. What an amazing life we have led. It may seem strange, but I feel blessed to have been born trans.

Now this could be a result of the higher levels of hrt that I have moved on to, but I don't think so. I am exactly where I deserve to be, where I should be and it is exactly the right place to depart from on the rest of my journey.

safe travels

Aisla

[Ayla]

Trinity

Slightly off topic here but the conversations we have here with friends and those that we have with our therapists are all therapeutic and beneficial.  They have been a deep source of strength and comfort to me. Your comments and those of all the other forum members have had a hugely beneficial impact. So in a way you are all my therapists and the crazy thing is that this forum, more than any other that I have joined, really works for me. I thought that it was timely to say thank you and bless you.

safe travels

Aisla

[Trinity]

It, and you, saved my life.

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2015 10:40:31 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Trinity

Slightly off topic here but the conversations we have here with friends and those that we have with our therapists are all therapeutic and beneficial.  They have been a deep source of strength and comfort to me. Your comments and those of all the other forum members have had a hugely beneficial impact. So in a way you are all my therapists and the crazy thing is that this forum, more than any other that I have joined, really works for me. I thought that it was timely to say thank you and bless you.

safe travels

Aisla

Beautifully said. This really is a special place. 

[DCW]

I've started therapy anew to help deal with a lot of the unresolved issues from the hostility I had from various healthcare providers, a lot of which were designed to delay my access to transition. I found it all just about impossible to do have much effect on that anger while I was still dealing with transition, and it wasn't helped by the issues on my particular journey.

However, It's a lot easier now that I'm on the other side of it. I even feel total freedom to talk about my feelings in a lot of ways that I felt I didn't have when I was in therapy for transition. As much as that prior therapy was supposed to be the place to discuss such things I was denied my voice by the constant power imbalance - that I was dealing with someone who could seriously cause problems with my transition if they didn't like what I said. Sometimes it's a seriously messed up system.

[Deleted]

Dec 15, 2015 10:40:31 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Trinity

Slightly off topic here but the conversations we have here with friends and those that we have with our therapists are all therapeutic and beneficial.  They have been a deep source of strength and comfort to me. Your comments and those of all the other forum members have had a hugely beneficial impact. So in a way you are all my therapists and the crazy thing is that this forum, more than any other that I have joined, really works for me. I thought that it was timely to say thank you and bless you.

safe travels

Aisla

Not off topic at all Aisla. We can open up to our true friends way more than we can a stranger that calls themselves a therapist. Sometimes this is better than therapy because a therapist can not tell you what you need to hear sometimes. They can't. Friends can give their opinions. Just like if someone ever called me a bitch here. I wouldn't be mad. Hell I would probably be honored.

A so called friend or therapist may tell you what you wanna' hear. A real friend will tell you what you need to hear whether you like it or not and give you an honest opinion to the best of their experiences with honest love.

I'm of the type to tell me true. I hate sugar in my coffee. I hate therapy and don't even go anymore because I don't need someone telling me a bunch of shit. I am nuttier than a fruitcake and crazy as hell and never had a therapist tell me that. But I am fun to hang around with though.  I'm also interesting to talk to also. Hell my ex therapist still calls me to talk. Maybe I should charge him. But he is a good guy though. But I get so tired of hearing, " Jamie. How are you doing? UGHH. Can you help me out? I have a client that ___________________________. What do you think?" I can't complain though. He sends me a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label after ever consultation. He never gives name just blended Scotch. Usually it has something to do with metaphysics or parapsychology. something he don't understand. I never take money or anything. Even he don't need to send me gifts but he knows I like scotch. Maybe I need to raise my rates to Glenlivit 18 year old scotch.

Prefessional opinions don't mean shit. But it is a shame that I know more about psychology than he does. He has a pedigree in counseling and I just have a working knowledge of I don't know what. Caring maybe? Empathy? Sympathy? The human mind? The Psyche? Who really cares because the world don't. I am not a therapist. I am not a PHD in Psychology. I am nothing more than a paranormal investigator that has some working knowledge in parapsychology and how the mind somewhat works. And I don't make shit from it. Oh well. That isn't the true ethics of science though. Is it? HMM.... Maybe if I had a PHD in psychology and preached global warming and could scare people in believing in man made global warming then I could get all kinds of grants.

[Mingma]

Hell Jamie I'll write the grant proposals for you. Careful though, you might end up respectable and suffer the fate of Alfred P. Doolittle

[Deleted]

Dec 23, 2015 8:25:02 GMT 8 Mingma said:

Hell Jamie I'll write the grant proposals for you. Careful though, you might end up respectable and suffer the fate of Alfred P. Doolittle

. Actually though I am pretty much respected but never charge a dime. Mainstream science will not recognize parapsychology as a true legitimate science because the proof most if not all the times is not tangible. Even Carl Jung proclaimed that Parapsychology was legitimate. So when it comes to most poltergeist activity that I have experienced, it is usually surrounded by a teen with raging hormones and confusion or a bit and anger or resentment mixed in too. Usually it is a female teenager but has been surrounded may males too, but not nearly as much. Could be the emotions with the female mind mixed with the hormonal changes. I would write a book but no one would read it though. Besides I love anonymity.

So someone goes to a psychiatrist speaking about voices and hallucinations and usually the first diagnosis is schizophrenia. Then medication is prescribed but a lot of questions are left unanswered like where does the person live? Are there any microwave towers close to the proximity of their home? High EMF's can produce hallucinations, visual and audio if someone is sensitive to high EMF fields. Geology such as how close to a major river or running water source do these people live? Are there any limestone deposits or salt deposits underground especially with water running. For example, close to where I live a salt dome collapsed and sucked up a bayou more or less. I have heard stories of paranormal nature in this particular area from lights in the swamp to the infamous Rougarou to ghosts of relatives past in some of the camps surrounding the area to just weird uneasy feelings in the general area. Running water under a salt dome that is close enough to the running water to collapse.

New Orleans is supposedly a haunted city. The Mississippi River runs right through the heart of the city. The silt in the river comes from as far as Minnesota and Wisconsin and all states in between. A lot of mineral bouncing off one another and could be releasing energies that are really unknown. Creating different fields that most people can't even start to theorize about. Let alone theorize the effects of certain energies on the human psyche and or brain and body. There are many variables of what people see from the human mind matrixing visual or audio. I have experienced the shadow figures that is really prevailent in the paranormal world. I see it for what it is in the dark. Shadows and the way the human mind is drawn to their fellow humans whether just shadow matrixing actual human beings. Same with sounds. Our minds are preconditioned through evolution to pick up other human sounds. It may just be natural sounds but a person may pick them up and the analytical mind will fill in the blanks. I had a dear cousin that I tried to explain this to but she refused the parapsychological science behind it. Most people do unless it is too negative for them to handle. Then I am referred to.

Hell when and if I ever reach the age of 70 or so, I may write a book on the investigations I've done and some of the research and so on. But no one would probably read it though. Hell I have made people mad at me and my people that investigate with because they wanted their house or building to be haunted. That they don't show you on TV. Even certain family members when I can duplicate the so called paranormal activity refuse to accept it. I guess it just proves something after death of the physical body but when I say that it is not a good thing being trapped in the physical world after a physical death is not a good thing then I am ridiculed. In a perfect world there would be no ghosts because that means we have moved on and about 95 percent do. But the 5 percent are the ones that I am extremely concerned about. They need to move on. these 5 percent are not side shows. These 5 percent are people too. They deserved to be treated as such with the same respect, empathy and compassion we would show the living, maybe even more so. The main reason is that something is keeping them here. Personally, I don't want to stay here after the physical death of my body. I want my consciousness to soar.

BTW I wouldn't mind being Dr. Doolittle because I would really like to know what is on animal's minds.  BTW I do know the difference between Dr. Doolittle and Alfred P. Doolittle. But hon, people will always ridicule what they can't or are afraid to try and understand. I will go so far as to say that death scares us. I will go much farther and say that it is not death as much as a fear of the unknown. I will even take it farther and say that we are scared of our own inner selves. Or our own Psyches.

So should I expect a check for 3 million dollars tomorrow for research?  

[Mingma]

So should I expect a check for 3 million dollars tomorrow for research?

Jamie,
I fear your expectations might not be met, but if it makes you feel any better I'll buy a lottery ticket in your name.     New Orleans may very well be haunted.  I have spent many a night in the Quarter where it always seemed that music was coming from somewhere near by but I could never find the club, but I always had a wonderful time looking.

I have a colleague who is transitioning in New Orleans  and having a tough time.  She reports that Louisiana is not a safe place to be if you're gender non-conforming so she is taking a hardship transfer to Seattle.  I told her about the forum and that you were someone down there who she could likely talk to, but she's evidently just eager to get out of town because I don't think that she has even created an account.  Oh Well

Merry Christmas

Ming