What happened to me - why I still am Christian and trans too

[Trinity]

It was the fourth grade, I was singing in the church choir, carrying the section already.  Felt good about church, loved singing there.

I was alone, in the school yard, I was always bullied, I cried too much.  I was different from the other kids, I did not belong.

But as little boys will, I was watching the drama unfold in a mud puddle.  A worm was in it, they were in trouble, the worm was drowning.

I was saddened by the worm drowning, I saw it, and loved the worm, and was sad.  So I reached out and saved the worm.

Inside my spirit, I heard Him.  "I love you because you had compassion on my worm".

That was the first time.  There would be many, many more.  Right after that, a bully pushed me into the mud puddle.  But, the seed was planted.  I knew I was never going to be alone again.  The outcast of outcasts had spoken into my mind, because of my heart.

I will never forget that.  The memory fades, but the event, the knowing of this, it will never be taken from me.  I was born different, born not fitting in.  Always the one that tagged along, always the one that was mocked.  The joke, because you could not tell if I was a boy or a girl.

But I am not a joke to Him.  And that love is fire now.  Fire in the center of the diamond heart of trans.  Mine and yours.  The fire of love.

[Trinity]

I was hitting bottom, the drinking had finally taken its toll. I was fully trained in the occult, seeing auras, reading tarot, though the cards were now in the bottom of a lake, I had freed myself from their controlling power. I had the foreknowledge, knew how to get out of the body, fly the higher astral plane, the first of the ones of heaven. I have been there, I know it to be real.

But I was hitting bottom, hard, let go from my doormans job because the smell of the liquor was coming through the pores of my skin. A few days before I had gone to rehearsal off broadway, experimental theater, serious art. I was still drunk at 11 oclock from the night before, it was in my system, I couldn't shake it off. I sat, was sick, they noticed. The first of the lost shows...

It was the night before sobriety came, soon to be told of, I went to bed, two days sober, trying as hard as I could. I knew I would drink tomorrow, I knew I was hopeless, living in my condemned harlem apartment, city owned, broken apart, roach infested and dangerous, no locks on the doors, just on my apartment. Floors of splintered oak, the windows overlooking Manhattan avenue, where the mafia ran its guns, nothing I knew of, but everyone knew anyway. It was accepted, you didn't walk down that street, not if you life depended on it. My 6th floor window overlooked it. I was a drunk, nobody bothered me.

I would stagger home from the bar, at 4 in the morning every night, walking the spanish harlem streets leading to the edge of harlem itself, trying to get laid, my female clothing under the male disguise. Funny that it has not changed very much isn't it, except now its not about the sex, it is about me, who I am. I drank so I could do that, I hated myself. Hated myself so deeply, I depised myself, acting in role after role to be someone else for a minute, an hour, a season.

My voice teacher, who also was familiar with the occult, he had tried for a year to get me into AA, my vocal chords were suffering from the booze and the intensity of singing as a Broadway level tenor lead singer. That is what I did, it was my job. One of them. The fact that the show never opened does not matter, it was real, it folded over a copywright fight, in a moment of time. Riddley Walker, the show, developed in the La Mama Theater Lab in the east village, developed from scratch, songs written as we created the musical, it was good, it was funded, we had it all. I was the lead tenor. Even crashing on booze, I kept that one going, till it crashed and burned.

My acting teacher, who I recently reconnected with, she is now the artistic director of an off broadway house, she was one of Andy Warhols kids. A friend of Candy Darling, and of Crisis. She knew I was trans. Before I did she knew. 20 years sober, my voice teachers girlfriend, two of the best coaches in the city. Put into my life at that time.

I fell asleep that night, but did not. The body started to float, loosing itself from the physical bonds, and I knew I would get out. Its hard to control it, you get confused how to breath, once consciousness transfers to the spirit body, and you get out. The physical body still needs to breath, there has to be a complete transfer of the whole self into the spirit world. That night I had the ability and got out.

I was in trouble and I knew it, so I wanted to get help. I jumped the dimensional planes, I went straight up as fast as thought, so fast you could feel the molecules going through you body, a roar in your ears from it. This time I hit a light tunnel, got up half way. Wanting help. I got it.

He was very stern, the angel of God that came to me, actually an angel of God. A young looking man, stern in the face, face like granite, not someone to mess around with, he was on a mission. He looked at me and spoke directly into my mind, and said only "You will be helped". They dont speak much, the angels, neither did Jesus when He met me too, I will tell you of that next post.

And so I was instantly transfered back to my body, never to forget the reality I had just experienced.

The next day I was walking down the street, I had a quarter left to my name, nothing more, was down to my last cigarettes, had the shakes. I was with my acting teacher, had completed a class. I turned to her, and I asked her if they had free coffee in AA, I could not afford a cup of coffee, I wanted one. All before, I had resisted AA, refused to go. But this morning, I decided I wanted a cup of coffee.

She stopped everything and walked me directly into Perry Street in the village, a trans friendly meeting of artists and writers and other village folks. I got my coffee, and sat down. I said I was an alcoholic, I didn't really believe that, but it was true anyway. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of belonging I felt.

Only once did I drink after that, the night that Riddley Walker closed, they opened the bar to the cast, because we had been betrayed. I drank, it was my last, my last drink I threw up on the director/producer of that broadway show, when he asked me what was wrong. That was over 31 years ago. I have not drank since.

I met an angel face to face in a tunnel of light. My life changed completely, and forever. One sentence, one face to face moment.

[Trinity]

It was after quitting the project manager position I had gotten by way of a dream of a specific job posted in the New York Post, with a cold call from an Architect AA member suggesting I could apply for the apprenticeship, get off the streets. Stop prostituting myself escorting my aging male patron, stop working for a hundred bucks a week delivering fine art work on the streets of NY. But that job had burned me out.

I had found my wife, had asked God, who I did not know at all, I was still a psychic occultist then, Asked God for the perfect woman. That of itself is an amazing story, how the next day she got a call from a head hunter on a ten year old cold resume, she decided to go, wasnt going to, got hired at the place I work. I saw her and I knew instantly, looked up and said to God "Your kidding". Cross cultural and interracial marriage, white to Indian. I love her, we still are together, the marriage survived transition, another moment with God, she saw Him face to face, she was leaving me, He stopped that cold.

But I was a pentecostal Christian by now, purging trans periodically, trying to be a normal guy, told it was sin. I was in the middle of that purge at the time. We had given up everything, went up north to try to do Christian radio, I had a dream of reaching out and tried to do it there, my family is from the northern lakes and mountains of New York.

We gave up everything, I got an apartment and a little job. We moved to Saragoga Springs.

A man came up on the street. Tried to attack my wife. I saw the demon clearly in his eyes, he was possessed, was going after her. I faced him down, but I really faced the demon down directly. He left, but the damage was done, we cracked, we broke, it was too much for her, too much for me. It all collapsed.

We went back to NY, to the attic of her parents house where our stuff still was.

I cried bitterly that night. In the middle of the night I had a dream, more than a dream, too vivid for that. It was a vision.

I was going up the stairs of a stone tower, a spiral staircase, I walked up the stairs. When I reached the top of the stairs, bitter about losing all I had, innocently thinking I had given all for Christ and it had come to nothing. At the top of the stairs, the very top, i saw a lambs head with its eyes shut looking down at me, the throat cut from ear to ear.

He opened His eyes, looked into mine, the power and the strength and the authority that came out of it incredible, but what really threw me was the awareness. You know instantly you were in the presence of something not of this world.

In my mind He spoke. "This is what I did for you."

I woke up with a jolt, the word "providence" ringing in my mind.

That was a lifechanging moment. So vivid.

The next day I went to answer an add for UPS. They hired me as a high value jewelry driver, good money. I made teamsters, filled up my locker with NIV bibles, gave them out. The guys that rode with me, we prayed going out, the bodyguard too, even he came around in the end, as he saw faith really at work.

Thats it for now, I could tell of the time I was giving up, when I hit the wall, gave up, decided to take hormones. He said in my mind that day "trust me". My wife He said "Fear not" to, when she was going to leave, it was a full body vision, clear as day to her, she was wide awake and lying next to me at the time.

That got me through transition. That kept me alive. That saved our marriage.

I am trans. I am Christian. I am me.

And God is my friend.

Blessings and love. I swear to you, everything I said here is true.

Trinity

[L]

What a fantastic story. You should really consider writing a book about your life; you have a lot to share and you write so well.

[Trinity]

We gotta get you logged in. Proboards probably is messing with the ip address blocking it but i dunno.

I have a path but its veiled, its mine to walk, writing in here. I have no need for fame, but i really am a highly trained artist of the word and theater and of other things too.

The One who walks beside me knows the way, I walk with Him. Whatever He asks I do.

He wants me right where I am. It continues to be shown.

My words I gift to those who saved my life. They live here, in this little forest, I remain the protective Fairy, sent by God to love and touch any that need my hope.

Its not ego. Its my truth, I cannot run from who I am. They/sh'e runs faster than I. I cannot run from me, nor from the God that made me trans, to love others, that may not be getting love. His heart is great love. He is inside mine, He is the light in my diamond.

Trinity

[Deleted]

Thank you for sharing your story, Trinity. I really enjoyed reading it and I feel honored that you share this with us.

It's interesting how life leads us down different paths towards new discoveries. For me, I've been all over the place when it comes to my faith, I can see now where I belong - coming to terms with being trans was the crucial piece of the puzzle because now I can see my life in a different light. My faith journey is that of a quiet awakening. (As I write this, the church bells are ringing out... how nice). 

Many Blessings. 

[Trinity]

I dont actually like to talk of it much. I really have had an amazing life.

Its enough for me to just love people up. I do get real protective though of the nb folk.

Church was great this morning. I wore my rainbow ring. I want a trans ring next, diamond center, pink and blue gems each side.

Even stealth i wear the rainbow.

But these shares, they are special, i have more. You are getting me to reveal things, things good for trans.

[Laura J]

It was one year ago at this very time, when you and I attended AA together here..

I remembered that today..
It seemed to be a peaceful time for both of us..
Hugs

[Trinity]

Dec 7, 2015 11:05:59 GMT 8 Laura J said:

It was one year ago at this very time, when you and I attended AA together here..

I remembered that today..
It seemed to be a peaceful time for both of us..
Hugs

Your hugs and sweet spirit are amazing.

Very special time. The pics in the universe members only section. Its priceless.

Love you hon.

[Trinity]

Dec 7, 2015 17:47:18 GMT 8 @earthling said:

It means a lot that we can talk about our faith and what it means for us as trans.
I've studied religion, but not from a trans perspective so I have a lot to learn in that regard.
I find it very interesting... and important to myself on a personal level.

Yes its important. Hope you feel better.

[Deleted]

Thank you.