Post by Trinity on Dec 1, 2015 19:39:24 GMT 8
Yesterday I was in a blistering bad mood, I am dealing with a lot on a lot of fronts, job, my kid with the anxiety disorder who is on the edge, my wife who is also not doing that great mentally, her mother with Alzheimers.
Blistering bad mood translates into gender dynamics. When I get like this the strong side takes over, the body language changes to that commonly associated with males, the nurturing feminine side fades. I cannot afford to let my gender split with sh'e going into pain and hiding mode and he taking over. Gendersplit creates hellish dysphoria in me, I guard against it, I walk a diamond tightrope of gender to ease the pain in my mind. It works every time.
So in a bad mood, nobody goes near me on the street, trust me. I spent a long time in NYC in my acting years, living as a drunk in Harlem. Not the best place for a pretty white boy, and ya know what? Nobody ever bothered me there. Not once. Robbed me yes. But that was just the wallet thing.
There is only a large mens and ladies room at the shrinks office, and I arrived half presenting, I had the jewelry and the clothes, but no makeup, no earing. I don't feel comfortable without eyeliner on when I am moving the gender perception of others away from male. So, I dont use ladies rooms. Into the male bathroom, out comes the mascara and lipstick and I do my face. Guys are coming in, going out.
Pretending not to notice, pretending everything is normal. Its the vibe, nobody wants to take me on. Its a basic I have the right to be me and I need this mirror and this is my bathroom and you have to deal with it vibe. I can handle guys, I've been one all my life, I'm not attracted to them in those settings, I can stand my ground and will. In a girls bathroom, I am not female spirited enough to be comfortable and I would be attracted to the girls. I wont go in there, let the transfolks that have the female spirits rock, I cant handle it. its an individual choice, and my own needs are for unisex bathrooms.
But the point of the post - I use life experience anecdotally to get you thinking - is that nobody challenges me. The biggest problem I have is family gossip, meddling with relationships, it is why I am hidden in plain sight, right under their noses.
How has your experience been? I know for some its been hell in the years with their parents and immediate family, forced gender role stuff, been there, been through the conditioning, none of it worked, only screwed my head up more, but once you break loose, when you are out there, how has it been for you?
I'll have more later, like from when I transitioned at work in conservative Florida, it has not been a bed of roses. But every darned one of them had respect for me having the balls to be sh'e.
Thats the point. The post is a reality check. Is that your real, or is it something different for you out there in your cultures? Cultures vary by region and town. I am glad for the change in mine, moving to NY was the best thing that happened to me, though I miss my street legal racecar.
Best- and if you didn't notice, he is dominant, the writing style is all he in this post. Interesting isn't it?
Sh'e is busy dealing with h'er feelings, I won't upset h'er right now. He is in control, he always has been the protector, he is one hell of a warrior. So is sh'e, in h'er ways, in h'er strengths. Which is why I am here. We are one.
Trinity
Blistering bad mood translates into gender dynamics. When I get like this the strong side takes over, the body language changes to that commonly associated with males, the nurturing feminine side fades. I cannot afford to let my gender split with sh'e going into pain and hiding mode and he taking over. Gendersplit creates hellish dysphoria in me, I guard against it, I walk a diamond tightrope of gender to ease the pain in my mind. It works every time.
So in a bad mood, nobody goes near me on the street, trust me. I spent a long time in NYC in my acting years, living as a drunk in Harlem. Not the best place for a pretty white boy, and ya know what? Nobody ever bothered me there. Not once. Robbed me yes. But that was just the wallet thing.
There is only a large mens and ladies room at the shrinks office, and I arrived half presenting, I had the jewelry and the clothes, but no makeup, no earing. I don't feel comfortable without eyeliner on when I am moving the gender perception of others away from male. So, I dont use ladies rooms. Into the male bathroom, out comes the mascara and lipstick and I do my face. Guys are coming in, going out.
Pretending not to notice, pretending everything is normal. Its the vibe, nobody wants to take me on. Its a basic I have the right to be me and I need this mirror and this is my bathroom and you have to deal with it vibe. I can handle guys, I've been one all my life, I'm not attracted to them in those settings, I can stand my ground and will. In a girls bathroom, I am not female spirited enough to be comfortable and I would be attracted to the girls. I wont go in there, let the transfolks that have the female spirits rock, I cant handle it. its an individual choice, and my own needs are for unisex bathrooms.
But the point of the post - I use life experience anecdotally to get you thinking - is that nobody challenges me. The biggest problem I have is family gossip, meddling with relationships, it is why I am hidden in plain sight, right under their noses.
How has your experience been? I know for some its been hell in the years with their parents and immediate family, forced gender role stuff, been there, been through the conditioning, none of it worked, only screwed my head up more, but once you break loose, when you are out there, how has it been for you?
I'll have more later, like from when I transitioned at work in conservative Florida, it has not been a bed of roses. But every darned one of them had respect for me having the balls to be sh'e.
Thats the point. The post is a reality check. Is that your real, or is it something different for you out there in your cultures? Cultures vary by region and town. I am glad for the change in mine, moving to NY was the best thing that happened to me, though I miss my street legal racecar.
Best- and if you didn't notice, he is dominant, the writing style is all he in this post. Interesting isn't it?
Sh'e is busy dealing with h'er feelings, I won't upset h'er right now. He is in control, he always has been the protector, he is one hell of a warrior. So is sh'e, in h'er ways, in h'er strengths. Which is why I am here. We are one.
Trinity
