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Post by Auroramarianna on Jan 14, 2015 6:37:32 GMT 8
I am tired of fighting against the tide. I'm tired of conveying messages to my parents who won't see me for who I really am no matter what. No matter the tears, the pain, the loneliness, the neglect is so much. It's like they're avoding dealing with it and honestly it looks like my parents may never come around. My mom doesn't even get past the denial stage despite me basically telling her at 14 when I was diagnosed with major depressive and almost an year ago having the confirmation that I am transgender. No words or messages seem to get across. it's like they don't listen, don't see, can't empathize. I need help, hello, I am here! Can you see me? I am only 18 but I have been through a lot, especially because of my parents' divorce and the environment I have lived and then all the bullying and social exclusion, so I don't say this just to dramatize, it really is the way I feel. I feel like a bird in a cage, where I'm living the life somebody else set for me to live but I don't want it. I want to throw it away and break it.
I want to grow my hair out. Actually I am growing it out but I'm sure my parents will pressure me to cut it. But you know, it's like whatevs? Do you really believe people will react that much differently to me? It's just a confirmation of what most people suspect anyway, and some will treat me badly. They are being selfish. My mom's more worried about having grandchildren than whether I'm happy. It's selfish. All she can say is: "I want grandkids!". Whateva. Just listen to me. Who's the real me? Is it the heteronormative guy who likes football and you want to be a doctor? No! It's me, a girl, who all she wants is to help people and write. I'm femme physically as well so this shouldn't be too hard to notice. Why is it so hard? Why is it like I'm dead? Why is it like as if I don't exist outside her head? I'm so so so so so done with my parents. Why can't they just listen to me.
I had major depressive disorder when I was 14 and basically told my mom I am transgender. This should have influenced her someway to become supportive? But it didn't. She says LGBT people are abnormal. Effeminate gay guys are not normal. Whateva. WHATEVA. I'm a girl, I know, but as a guy I'm already feminine. Was that an insult? What can I do so you listen to me? Anything?
I doubt my mom will ever accept me. Maybe it's unreasonable of me to expect my mom to change for me? After all, it's not like I changed for them. Well, I tried but I failed. Miserably. It just hurts so bad right now.
Jeez I'm only 18 I know, and probably people will tell me "oh give it time! they will come around I'm sure" but I'm so tired of hearing this. What if it never happens, maybe have to accept it?? Wow I only have 6 or 7 posts and I'm already monopolozing and talking about me. But I'm sorry, I just need help. I want to move forward and not care about my parents' opinions but in fact I do care. I wish I wouldn't. Ugh, sorry for the rant
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2015 6:43:20 GMT 8
Go ahead and rant. I may not be in your shoes, or heels, but I do know that the more you talk it out on forum, the better you will feel.
These people keep me sane. Rant and double rant, I triple dare you dear.
I dont have the life experience to draw on for you, but I do have the forum experience to know it is good for you to post your feelings.
Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2015 7:48:03 GMT 8
Persephone, My heart goes out to you sweetie, your rant is fine, this is the place for that and hopefully to get a little support from others. Parents in general can be the most unbending and manipulative people you will ever have to deal with! It's because they love you and since you were born to them and they brought you up this far they feel they have a vested interest in your life and your future. Sadly their "love" for their child has become morbidly convoluted, emanating from a misguided sense akin to ownership which in their economy of thinking gives them the right to steer your life in the "right direction", because they know what's best for you. Sounds familiar doesn't it?
Most parents refuse to realize that they can instill family values and morals in their kids when they are really young, but by the time they are in their teens they are already their own persons and the parents need to get their feet off the back of the kid's neck relinquish control because realistically the control they still have is extremely limited. You probably won't be able to convince them of that no matter how hard you try, but at eighteen you are legally an adult now and shouldn't need their approval for anything. If you are dependent on them for your survival, food and housing, school and the like, then you're stuck until you get to the place where you can take the initiative to move out on your own. Meanwhile it will serve you well to remain as civil as possible and avoid confrontation. They're not bad people, they mean well, but eventually you will have to put some time and maybe even distance between you and them for your own good. The saying is true, "Familiarity breeds contempt" which is common in families where everyone knows each others secrets and weaknesses and they exploit that continually. You don't get this stuff from friends because real friends don't feel that they have the right to step inside your comfort zone like family continuously does. Good luck, we're here for you hon!
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Post by Laura J on Jan 14, 2015 7:59:10 GMT 8
I really am moved by your posts and words.. Please feel free to share anytime..
When I was that age, I had similar parents, just different circumstances.. I was raised in a super strict religious community and my partents expected me to fit into their mold also, similar to what you describe.. Well I was just not cut from that cloth, I was very different, and my parents thought of me also without reguard to my own feelings, but just concerned about they're own standards, and what the community would say and think. It got bad, just like you describe..
I know you said you didn't want to hear that it would just take time, blah blah blah, I know I would have thought the same in my situation.. I did think that.!! But I know now from first hand experience, that when you get to the age you start becoming independent and making your own decisions, and theres nothing they can say or do about it, they likely will soften up, and start realizing they only have 2 choices, accept you or loose you.? My patents started becoming much more accepting of me and my lifestyle, about a year after I'd moved out on my own.. No doubt they missed me, and came to the hard cold reality that I wasn't changing for anyone, and they could either take me as I am, or walk away.. Few parents are willing to be so stubborn, that they completely loose a child..
I know this seems like such an immediate problem, and it seems like the end of the world right now, and I share your pain, frustration and sadness.. But there is no way around it, time really is the answer, and if you can be patient, wait for the right opportunities to come along, you'll more likely than not see a wonderful change in your parents attitudes, and have a closer relationship than you have before.. There are countless such stories, and many happy endings..
Giant hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2015 8:36:48 GMT 8
Persephone. You don't have to give it time. Take it. The world is yours hon. All you have to do is take ownership. If they can't accept you as is then that isn't truly unconditional. You are 18? Cut those freakin' strings and go out on your own. It isn't easy. You may starve a little, I did. It is really hard but you learn a lot and learn it fast. But an education is priceless. If they are paying then do what you have to. Mine weren't in the position to pay for an educations so I was on my own. And if stringent rules were part of the deal I would have went the same route I did. Don't listen to me though. I am from the school of hard knocks. I know the underbelly of life. I have survived. I cam out on the other side with an education you will never get from any university no matter how liberal a professor may be. Chances are they really haven't and never wallowed down on skid row. They can talk about it but lived it, I doubt.
It's all up to you hon. Sometimes we got to trade off.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 14, 2015 9:20:14 GMT 8
At least see if you can get started on HRT. It's all one step at a time. It's a lot for parents to take in at one time, so it's one small step at a time for them as well. Most parents are concerned about their children's welfare more than anything else and they have their generations way of looking at that. Move forward, take your time. If they are paying for an education, stick with that as much as you can, in today's world it is vital to have it. If this is the case then those steps are going to have to be smaller. If you are living away from them, go for it, even if you have to compensate for them when you see them. So long as you are moving forward in everything else, that's going to let them be more secure about you. Life is an adventure, and at eighteen, your's is just beginning. Make the most of it. They don't want to argue and you don't as well. So take it and make it yours, show them you are indeed moving forward in life, it's the best that parents can expect of their children. You look for the opportunities that will take you where you want to go, the direction that works for you. Pay attention and grab at everything you can. It's a tough road to take sometimes, but there is always something new right around the corner. You just have to go and have a look to see what it is. Life pivots on moments in time, so watch for them and be ready to make your moves in life. Ativan
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2015 11:30:11 GMT 8
BTW hon. I am so freakin' tired too. I think we all get tired. Are you OK? You know you can talk to me however and whenever you need?
But the tide is changing. All we may have to do is hang in there a little longer or a little bit more. We are picking up steam and getting strong enough to swim upstream. Look at some of the mainstream media. Even Fox News half assed defended Brangelina's son/daughter and their ideals of gender identity and Brad's and Angelina's support of their childs gender identity. I would say that is a really good sign. Brad Pitt and his mother and probably his conservative views. Angelina Jolie's father's conservative views. Nuts don't fall far from the trees and they are supportive of their child and the grandparents probably are too. Just swim. We are all gonna' get through this. WE ain't nothing special or new. There have been a lot of us throughout history, some trashed and others respected and some even revered. Cultures change, just hang in there. I have and I am29 years older than you, so I know you can do it.
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Post by Auroramarianna on Jan 14, 2015 18:29:21 GMT 8
Shan, I am not even sure they mean well. They don't LISTEN to me no matter what. No matter if I'm dying. And I was dying, for years ago, I could have killed myself. The psychiatric told this to my mom...Still my mom thought my therapist would "cure" these feelings and she expected me to be cured. There was a time she actually seemed LGBT supporting and like she was learning a lot. But she started regressing in time as time went by and when I came out, the bomb exploded and she reacted very badly but now...guess what? We're back to 0. Again. Actually she immediately took me out of conseuling and then I was immediately put in another even though I begged to stay with my therapist. They tried to diagnose me with Asperger's, but insuccessful and my mom behaved like I was some sort of villain. Like I had been hiding this from her forever and now I'm breaking her heart. Is there a possibility my mom is narcissistic? She never ever ever ever takes responsibility for her behavior. Maybe I was closed off back then and didn't find it easy to communicate with her, but it's still parent's job to try to communicate with their child. A parent who loves their child will fight for them, right? Will try to understand what they're feeling? Because I never got this from my parents. What could me think that this will change? It most likely won't. Major depressive disorder isn't enough to make them care and see the real me, so what will? Nothing. That's what I think right now and it hurts bad bad bad.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Jan 14, 2015 21:51:06 GMT 8
Persephone, my heart goes out to you.
When I came out to my parents in 2008, they were very angry and against the idea. They didn't want to lose their "precious daughter" despite that if I had continued living as a girl/daughter, I knew my future would be very bleak and that I would most likely spend the rest of my life in and out of psych-wards due to mental breakdowns or suicide attempts and eventually... succeeding at taking my own life.
There were many arguments in the beginning. They were convinced I was obsessed with a fantasy that I would somehow feel better about myself if I was a boy. They were absolutely confident that I would regret transitioning. They told me that I would end up alone, jobless and risk having people bash me up if they find out I am transgendered. Their words were, "Nobody would love you if you are a mutilated woman." They told me it was better to just stay as a female and be a lesbian.
LOL!!! It's not even about the sex or sexual orientation. Being asexual, sex was the last thing I was concerned about.
My mother took me to see a youth counselor who was actually FTM. But after a few sessions, she felt that he was "encouraging" me to transition instead, so she stopped me from seeing him. She wanted me to see this therapist she found herself and it was a middle-aged man who believed I had a sexual identity issue, instead of a gender identity issue. So naturally, the discussions were all about my masturbation habits and what porn I watch... it was a violation of privacy and it felt like he was trying to brainwash me into believing I am a girl. It was very scary. I had a breakdown after one of the sessions and my mother had the nerve to tell me that "this is normal, he is trying to help you get to the root of the problem." Yes... that is a very sensible thing to say when your child is curled up under their computer desk, bawling and shaking uncontrollably when you ignore their desperate pleas that they want to stop seeing the therapist.
My mother was convinced I had OCD. She has had three psychiatrists tell her I don't have any traits of OCD, that my obsessions I have are more likely to be a part of my personality than a mental illness. She raged SO HARD after those appointments, she hated being told she is wrong. She would say, "But they don't live with (me) everyday, they don't know what they are talking about!" That was her excuse to reject the psychiatrist's opinion and cling to her desperate belief that I have OCD. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I managed to get my current gender psychiatrist. Both her and my father stopped going with me to the appointments because they said they felt like the psychiatrist was ignoring them and "encouraging" me to transition. It was so frickin' hilarious because they thought their opinion would factor into what I do with my life, my body. F*ck no, I never needed their approval or consent to go ahead with transitioning. They acted concerned for me but really, they just wanted to control my life so they don't have to go around, fretting, "Oh no, what will the neighbors think?!" Their normalcy is turned upside down and they hated every second of it. Their old-fashioned views of binary gender was challenged and tested, they were forced to put aside their views and look at the situation objectively. I had been depressed ever since puberty began, I began cutting and expressing my darker emotions via drawing... I rarely ever smiled, I glared into the camera if I was forced to wear figure-hugging girl clothes on formal situations like graduation, birthday parties, family dinner, etc. Transitioning undid all that damage and made me blossom into someone who is truly happy. I like to believe they noticed this change because they appear to have let go of their concerns and embrace that I am happy and finally myself. Our bond have come closer as a family.
Eventually, they learned I am still the same person, that regardless of what gender I am, I am still me. My mother has become more understanding than before, it helps that there is a growing number of transgender TV documentaries in the past few years, even an Australian show tackled the subject of transgendered kids. My parents still think being gay is not normal, that being heterosexual is "normal" but those views are generalized and I usually just brush them off as their opinion, nothing to get upset about because I know better than they do. I am more accepting than them.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2015 22:40:03 GMT 8
Shan, I am not even sure they mean well. They don't LISTEN to me no matter what. No matter if I'm dying. And I was dying, for years ago, I could have killed myself. The psychiatric told this to my mom...Still my mom thought my therapist would "cure" these feelings and she expected me to be cured. There was a time she actually seemed LGBT supporting and like she was learning a lot. But she started regressing in time as time went by and when I came out, the bomb exploded and she reacted very badly but now...guess what? We're back to 0. Again. Actually she immediately took me out of conseuling and then I was immediately put in another even though I begged to stay with my therapist. They tried to diagnose me with Asperger's, but insuccessful and my mom behaved like I was some sort of villain. Like I had been hiding this from her forever and now I'm breaking her heart. Is there a possibility my mom is narcissistic? She never ever ever ever takes responsibility for her behavior. Maybe I was closed off back then and didn't find it easy to communicate with her, but it's still parent's job to try to communicate with their child. A parent who loves their child will fight for them, right? Will try to understand what they're feeling? Because I never got this from my parents. What could me think that this will change? It most likely won't. Major depressive disorder isn't enough to make them care and see the real me, so what will? Nothing. That's what I think right now and it hurts bad bad bad. Your mother is extremely controlling! I'm not sure how old she is but if you are eighteen there is a strong possibility that she has entered into menopause which creates perfect monsters out of otherwise lovely women when their ovaries shrink to the size of raisins and no longer put out essential hormones that would normally keep them on an even keel. So that may be potentially exacerbating the problems, and more than likely your father is in the "yes dear" agreeable mode with her concerning everything rather than having to deal with being married to a shrew. In any event, there is nothing you can do about it until you become emancipated and leave their sphere of influence. Becoming depressed and harming yourself is not a viable option and never solves a thing, so do try yo avoid any of those feelings.
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Post by JamieP on Jan 15, 2015 3:43:28 GMT 8
Persephone, your words really rip at my heart. I don't know where you live, it does seem your parents work must have a health plan that covers you in that you were seeing a therapist. I do hope you can get back to the one you liked. At 18 you are a mature person that is legally allowed to make decisions for yourself. I agree with some that have mentioned completing your education. Perhaps following your passion or interest & getting the education that will lead to your life career, focusing on that will ease some of your dysphoria. Is there any health coverage for hormones & a possibility you can get started which would help ease some issues? If college or University isn't far off & could be in a dorm away from parents could get you started in the right direction, with support groups & a program for transition. I hope there is some positive options for you soon. Rant when you want, we are here. You have some wonderful people here with transition experience, wisdom & guidance that I haven't. I am with my friend Shan on this statement, "Becoming depressed and harming yourself is not a viable option and never solves a thing, so do try to avoid any of those feelings."
Hugs
Jamie
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Post by Auroramarianna on Jan 15, 2015 4:01:02 GMT 8
Yes, fortunately here there is Health coverage for Hormones. So I will do it once I am able. I will once maybe get a part-time job? Right now my priority is studying to get in college and then we'll see. i need a bigger support network.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2015 16:25:37 GMT 8
I'm barely two months in and I'm tired, but we have to keep pressing on. Worry less about what other people think, and focus on yourself. If people can't love you during/after transitioning then they never really did to begin with. They were just selfish. Those people can kiss my ass.
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