The blinding,driving cruel power of dysphoria

[Deleted]

Thoughts my dears

[Ayla]

Dysphoria does blind. It smothers and blankets all. It is relentless. It never truly disappears. It waits in the the shadows to pounce when you are most stressed and at your most weak.

It is the sheer over powering nature of dysphoria which I find most destructive. At its worst I can't think clearly, I can't function as a human, I revert to my learned alpha male mode and deny myself all of the wealth of emotion and understanding that should be available to me as a human.

Of course this was all prior to low dose hrt!

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

You know, I couldnt post on this in the matrix. It always started a lightning storm.

It sucks, dysphoria for me. It really stinks. Some days I am good, some days it rips into me. Right now its good. This morning, in my chair, in my hair, in my skirt and lingerie. My nails are getting long, my wife hates them, I can't cut them. I cant cut my hair anymore either. Transitioning is having its way with me, like a river flowing that I have no real control over, yet I can still maintain some level of what I reveal to others. But it is tiresome, more and more I am becoming a just deal with it person as regards others. Some can, some have that offensive look in their eyes that makes you want to react hard.

I never feel like I fit into anywhere, except here. Not even AA, I am the only transperson I know, third gender, alone, always the only one of my kind socially. It is not comfortable, knowing I am neither male nor female but a composite painting of each, knowing I am DES born and have a mixed physical nature that is transsexual at its core, but not female at its core.

Yet the female gains on my every day, she is stonger, she wont allow herself to be denied any more, she must be she. Mentally there is also change, a nice one, the personality that was discovered is so loving and kind, why did they try to kill me when I was young for being like this? I dont understand.

So the dysphoria fights the social programming and the result is internal conflict as I seek to reprogram out of the lies planted by children and by a belief system that was in error according to my understanding now. Years and years of rigid bigotted thinking from the old world culture of extended family is not helpful, the culture is sick, men drink and screw, women connive and steal each others men, for money, for balls. It sickens me.

But the woman in the mirror is in my eyes and cheek bones, its in tits and ass, in legs and hormones, in emotions and love.

And always there are you who help me, Ativan who calms me down and who I care so very deeply for, Patty who is family to me now, Aisla who is just wonderful to me and always there, Julie who can talk on levels others cannot understand, another black belt in the fight against a killer disease we share called alcoholism. And there are so many others in here.

I can't take my female presentation out of the house, I can take genderqueer out and do, and deal with odd responses out in the world. It is interesting since it is so real to me, so fluid. Sometimes Satinjoy gets incredibly powerful and I get scared she will completely take my mind and body, but then the quiet place finds the fluid, the combined dance of the old man and the beautiful young woman that is me, not in ego here, but she is, it is evil that she was so cruelly abused over and over and over and over and over again.

But it can hurt deep to see the beard, until I recognize why it is there, see through the mask, see through the knights armor, the visage prepared for the swords of the stupid, the ignorant, the decieved. To force an mtf female to have this mask, how cruel is that. But to force a wife to lose the last hint of the man she married, for her to lose a lifetime of sacrifice, how cruel is that?

Intolerably cruel. So I face my dysphoria head on, I avoid the mirror sometimes, I live with this, and my family remains intact and flourishing. To the point that I ate thanksgiving dinner in a robe and lingerie with my wife and kids, in laughter and unity, one of the very best we have ever had.

I cannot cut my nails, I dont think I can cut my hair.... its impossible, what I feel if I do, its totally impossible to cut the nails, to turn back. It aint going to happen.

They say the death rate for the dysphoric could be as high as 70%...

Lets make sure all of us stay in the other 30%.

When I hit the wall I was willing to sacrifice everything I owned or loved just to get hormones. Only later did I begin to realize what it was about, and that with one heck of a good shrink, and direct intervention from the God of my understanding both for me and my wife. Me it was "Trust Me." Her it was "Fear not". Both direct visions, mine auditory, hers visual. Utterly profound. So because of that I have hope. Its true... not making this up at all.

Blessings my dear warriors of trans, my family, my friends, you who I love so much, each of you in different ways.

Satinjoy

[Deleted]

Nov 29, 2014 23:26:25 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

I have said this before, that what you read is from the part of me that has always been defined and is really a reflection of 'she'.
But 'she' listens to 'he', as well as I, the very core they come from. It's a dance sometimes, a very familiar one.
She and he dance to the sound of my heart, the core. It was in accepting this that the dysphoria slowed down with the help of HRT...
She and he have their own ways at times, they have their own strengths and weakness's. I decide on which of these to draw on.
It's not always the best way, but it is the way that keeps it in balance, which to me is the right way for me.
I love the dance, it swirls around me, not to tease or distract me, on the contrary, it is to sooth my soul, the core.
That is the acceptance, the truth. I keeps me going to know that it is. It is far better than it used to be, the internal battle.
She writes about this truth, it's what you see, but it has a base that it comes from and that is all of me.
I still have battles, she teases constantly, but it is her nature to do that, she wouldn't be the same if she didn't.
So I don't really perceive it as a battle so much as I recognize that it is me. That's the acceptance.
Ativan

I love this, it is my dance too, but I cannot control it. Just listen to the music, and tell the triune whole of my that I love what I see in the mirror of truth, the self hate was a gift from others, I will learn to ignore it.

You sound really good Ativan my dear.

[Deleted]

Yet as I think on it, I remain conflicted. Not over the duality of self, if it was dual, it's not, but over the physical stuff when alone. In public I need the gq, but it's all scrambled somehow together, really blended into a transsexual being, unclassified, unique, yet most likely very similar to us all.

Not making sense today am I.

[EchelonHunt]

Making lots of sense Trinity. I can relate... Much of my core is a blend of everything and nothing. It's initially jarring but a sense of peace washes over me. A feeling of... completion...? Ah, bliss.

[Ayla]

I love the imagery of dance. My gender dance is often in response to others, their gender leads our interaction and my gender shifts, sometimes taking the lead and sometimes following

[Deleted]

Dysphoria is such a strange emotion. When I was younger I thought it was depression which used to strike, but looking back it never was. I have always been able to carry on and do what I need to do for the day, to be successful in life. Regardless of how bad the dysphoria was. But it strikes at odd moments, when I see an attractive woman in the car next to me, and the emotion I feel is not desire, but jealousy, that I wish I was her; or in the middle of the night when I wake up dreaming I am presenting in public as a cross dresser and people are laughing and ridiculing me, or as I come out of slumber every morning and I mentally picture myself and dress myself as the woman I am on the inside, then it is hard. And dealing with the guilt surrounding these desires was really hard.

[Deleted]

Dec 4, 2014 20:27:19 GMT 8 @cherie said:

Dysphoria is such a strange emotion. When I was younger I thought it was depression which used to strike, but looking back it never was. I have always been able to carry on and do what I need to do for the day, to be successful in life. Regardless of how bad the dysphoria was. But it strikes at odd moments, when I see an attractive woman in the car next to me, and the emotion I feel is not desire, but jealousy, that I wish I was her; or in the middle of the night when I wake up dreaming I am presenting in public as a cross dresser and people are laughing and ridiculing me, or as I come out of slumber every morning and I mentally picture myself and dress myself as the woman I am on the inside, then it is hard. And dealing with the guilt surrounding these desires was really hard.

Guilt, one wonders about this, what is the guilt for my dear?

Time again, never enough.

There is truth, guilt is not truth, not unless.... who gave you the guilt dear?  The jealousy I get, yes, that is dysphoria, it hits me hard to, I have to remind myself that i am already the same as them, but not, and thats fine, because i am me.  But the desires sound human.  I am not familiar with the cross dresser thing, I am transsexual, but it doesnt matter.  I wonder if you can get your arms around the guilt thing.  A good one for therapy, most of us are still active there.

Trinity

[Deleted]

Hi Trinity. Yes, a really good question - what has guilt got to do with it? I have been to a clinical psychologist for the last year to sort it out. Guilt for not gender-conforming. How bizarre. As a 6 year old, I told my sister and mother I wanted to be a girl and got into real trouble for that. I learnt to be a normal male; although I suspect many would have expected me to turn out gay. So whenever I privately expressed my feminine side through cross-dressing, I felt guilty. Luckily I am mostly through that. Thank you for your kind words.