Embracing Feminine Qualities as a NB Transboy

[EchelonHunt]

For the longest time in my life, I always believed that liking stereotypically feminine activities or fashion meant that it would validate the fact I was born female, like that people would think, "Oh, she is a girl who is enjoying girly things. That is normal and to be expected." I did not want people to think of me as a girl. I removed myself so far from the label of "girl" that even though I was referred to as a girl, daughter, she in front of peers or family, it did not register in my mind that I was a girl. From a young age, I knew I was not a girl but I was a boy who needed to have his gentalia fixed in order to function properly.

I had situations where I was forced to wear stereotypical feminine clothing for "formal" events (e.g. graduation, interviews, birthday parties, etc.) I absolutely hated those times and in those moments, I hated the clothes I wore too. It made me hate female clothing with a strong passion, even just remembering the memory and experiences makes me angry all over again. At myself for not standing up for myself more, at my parents for insisting I have to wear the outfits.

There was one time I let my sister put make-up on me for a party was because I asked her to. She was happy to do so and acted like this was the perfect moment to develop the sisterly bond between us. That was awkward and I didn't really  This was one situation where I experimented with being girly, to see if I could embrace it. I wore a pink jumper, dangly earrings and everything. The end result was a disaster. I felt fake, like I was trying too hard to be something I'm not. It was a sobering experience for me. 

When I began HRT, I found I became more comfortable in my skin, in myself and my identity as a male. My self-confidence rose, my low self-esteem began to mend, I slowly became less submissive and more assertive. This continues to change over time slowly but surely. 

I found myself, over time, harbouring a curiosity towards stereotypically feminine activities and clothing. I became friends with a gay boy who wasn't afraid to experiment with make-up and daring outfits. It reminded me of my childhood friend I once had, he was an effeminate boy who enjoyed dressing up as Superman, Spiderman or Power Rangers with me. We were both sort of the odd ones out in our class at the time but we became good friends. I was curious about make-up at first, dresses/skirts then lingerie.

There is a strong desire to express femininity. I feel feminine, not necessarily female. It is like Kaoru Oshima says, "I look like a girl but I don't want to *be* a girl." describes my feelings to a T. Things like smooth, hairless skin, long hair, soft feminine facial features are something I long to have once again. I even want to focus on training my voice to be feminine so I can switch between masculine and feminine at will. 

I still want a penis and I still identify as male in terms of sexual identity/behaviour and what my physical sex has to be in order to silence the body dysphoria.

And that is okay.

Your gender expression doesn't have to equate with your gender identity or your sex. 

[Deleted]

Thanks for this testimony, Jacey. It's always interesting for me "to see how the other half lives", so to speak. When you see other people's possibilities, it helps you recognize that you have plenty of your own.

Nov 1, 2015 1:22:27 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

There was one time I let my sister put make-up on me for a party was because I asked her to. She was happy to do so and acted like this was the perfect moment to develop the sisterly bond between us. That was awkward and I didn't really  This was one situation where I experimented with being girly, to see if I could embrace it. I wore a pink jumper, dangly earrings and everything. The end result was a disaster. I felt fake, like I was trying too hard to be something I'm not. It was a sobering experience for me. 

This reminded me of something. I was working in an office and one day one of the women came in looking a bit strange. Kind of a frilly white blouse, fairly long navy skirt, lacy tights. Everybody sat up and took notice because that wasn't her at all. She was very much a women's rights woman, never wore that sort of thing. More like a top and jeans, very simple. So why she wore that that day, who knows? Maybe she was going somewhere after work. One of the girls assured her she was gorgeous, but she said, "I feel ridiculous!"

I was thinking, "Well, hell, I'll wear it. I'll switch with you." That was my look, if it wasn't hers.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2015 1:22:27 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

For the longest time in my life, I always believed that liking stereotypically feminine activities or fashion meant that it would validate the fact I was born female, like that people would think, "Oh, she is a girl who is enjoying girly things. That is normal and to be expected." I did not want people to think of me as a girl. I removed myself so far from the label of "girl" that even though I was referred to as a girl, daughter, she in front of peers or family, it did not register in my mind that I was a girl. From a young age, I knew I was not a girl but I was a boy who needed to have his gentalia fixed in order to function properly.

I had situations where I was forced to wear stereotypical feminine clothing for "formal" events (e.g. graduation, interviews, birthday parties, etc.) I absolutely hated those times and in those moments, I hated the clothes I wore too. It made me hate female clothing with a strong passion, even just remembering the memory and experiences makes me angry all over again. At myself for not standing up for myself more, at my parents for insisting I have to wear the outfits.

There was one time I let my sister put make-up on me for a party was because I asked her to. She was happy to do so and acted like this was the perfect moment to develop the sisterly bond between us. That was awkward and I didn't really  This was one situation where I experimented with being girly, to see if I could embrace it. I wore a pink jumper, dangly earrings and everything. The end result was a disaster. I felt fake, like I was trying too hard to be something I'm not. It was a sobering experience for me. 

When I began HRT, I found I became more comfortable in my skin, in myself and my identity as a male. My self-confidence rose, my low self-esteem began to mend, I slowly became less submissive and more assertive. This continues to change over time slowly but surely. 

I found myself, over time, harbouring a curiosity towards stereotypically feminine activities and clothing. I became friends with a gay boy who wasn't afraid to experiment with make-up and daring outfits. It reminded me of my childhood friend I once had, he was an effeminate boy who enjoyed dressing up as Superman, Spiderman or Power Rangers with me. We were both sort of the odd ones out in our class at the time but we became good friends. I was curious about make-up at first, dresses/skirts then lingerie.

There is a strong desire to express femininity. I feel feminine, not necessarily female. It is like Kaoru Oshima says, "I look like a girl but I don't want to *be* a girl." describes my feelings to a T. Things like smooth, hairless skin, long hair, soft feminine facial features are something I long to have once again. I even want to focus on training my voice to be feminine so I can switch between masculine and feminine at will. 

I still want a penis and I still identify as male in terms of sexual identity/behaviour and what my physical sex has to be in order to silence the body dysphoria.

And that is okay.

Your gender expression doesn't have to equate with your gender identity or your sex. 

Well let me tell you something Jayce. I have a penis and want to be female. I have no plans real soon to get rid of it. For me it is a pain in the ass. A lot of times it is uncomfortable. It is a really vulnerable place if someone want to really hurt you. I will admit that it ain't quite the normal size. Sometimes the "little fucker" hides. But the testes are the biggest pain in the ass. They are the ones that hurts if someone hits or kicks you there. Oh and sweat like an MF in the heat. Some guys say wear boxers. Yeah, but no. That don't work. To me that exacerbates the problem. Tight Bikini undies are the only thing that helps. LOL. It is kind of funny that I don't want to part with my "curse". This is really gonna' sound fucked up. But... A man that can love me as the woman that I am inside is more of a man than most other men that I know. I don't know but the love seems more true and genuine. I really can't explain it.

Jayce, only you can define you. So you want long hair? There are a lot of guys with long hair. You want smooth skin? There are a lot of guys that practice hair removal. Most guys don't or won't or refuse to mix femininity into the picture though. I think they may be in denial. A lot make excuse like it makes you ride a bike faster or it makes you swim faster or about a million other excuses but the main thing is that it feels really good and really clean. To me it does anyway. I won't lie because like that country song, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman".

Do you remember what our parents told us from a very young age? "You can be whatever you want to be." I'm pretty sure they didn't mean it in a transgender sense but maybe it's true. We can be whoever or whatever we want to be. So be who you wanna be. If you are a feminine transboy then be a feminine transboy. If you are a masculine transgirl then be a masculine transgirl. OK so I don't give a shit who or what you are. I am eternally grateful for you for starting this sight. I have seen your videos on youtube and I have seen your avatars. You can definately go either way you choose. Either way you are cute and your heart is extremely beautiful. That last part is what matters though. You care. You care about us. You care about others.

As for expression or orientation, it is what is in your heart that matters. Just be true to you.