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7,159
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 5, 2015 14:39:08 GMT 8
Decided to quit guesting in and reinstated my account. Still soul searching, i need to keep doing that. Sorry for all this drama.
Just couldn't leave and stay away.
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Feb 26, 2021 11:29:15 GMT 8
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Ayla
m2me
5,298
Nov 19, 2014 19:54:37 GMT 8
November 2014
aisla
Female
Female
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Ayla on Nov 5, 2015 18:56:49 GMT 8
So very pleased that you are back
Aisla
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14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 5, 2015 19:45:35 GMT 8
Thanks dear one I feel like I owe apologies- actually I feel like an embarrassed horses ass. I really had not intended to come back to the forum, I felt that first I needed to give others I care about space, second that I overpower the sharing here, third that ego was driving my posting, and also that I was building personna as I tried to move into the performing artist roles that I left behind. And as that is public eye stuff using my transition name, I felt it unsafe to be so visible. There are other personal reasons, reasons I wont discuss, but suffice it to say that in the last several weeks I have been very unstable. My face aged many years in only a months time, I barely recognize it in the mirror, and that's kind of a blow for a male to female transitioning body person. Stress and fear levels reached a point that was getting dangerous, and I have been fighting back from that edge. There are moments now when I feel like I want to lock myself into a car or something and scream my head off. But, getting professional help for this, getting professional AA help to untangle the ego from the artistic stuff - and that is destabilizing to return to after all these years, I am facing the fears inherent in resurfacing now. What used to carry me through, the alcohol, drugs, sex, all was left behind, the rage that caused me to go into the theater, these things need to be dealt with as I come face to face with myself. I meant it when I said I needed to overhaul my mind, I still have not finished this. Jayce has kept an eye on me while I have been outside, he/they know that I struggle, and he was concerned that I needed emotional support and could not go it safely alone. And that is correct. While the people I know face to face are helpful, with all loving respect to them they are kids from another world, they don't have an understanding of what it takes decades into a marriage to keep it, more than anything else what they give is love and precious physical hugs and acceptance of the old nb that has burst into the scene. I can help them greatly with the AA issues though. So I did intend to walk away from the forum, guest in whenever I thought it right. I had lost control of my emotions on forum, went totally out of control for a while, things went wrong outside here, things that were blatantly my fault and i own that, and I lost it. But as Aisla has said in the Pikachu goodbye thread, there are bigger things we need to worry about than emotionally walking out, running away from the forum was surely not the answer. At the time, I thought it was, I thought it was for the best interest of the forum, myself, and everyone else. I have been and remain dominated by fear, it is an old enemy, it has been off the charts lately. I worked very hard to keep my family, I always warned my shrink if I lost that family we'd have to keep an eye on me....,I share a lot on this forum, I live in a way that is transparent. I do that because I need the forum, its part of me staying sane. Right now, I'm better than I was, but I'm not all here. I can feel a part of me struggling, the flight part is active, but I am no coward and I will face the fear. I know I am on the edge again, but thank God this time first of all I shut up and got off the forum, and secondly it did not reach the point of another breakdown. There are moments at work where it is overpowering, then it gets through and I keep on. Sharing on the forum lessens the anxiety levels, and its one of the reasons I am on it so much. I wont add more meds to an already overloaded body either, and as an addict, I'd abuse antianxiety meds. I talk a lot of the importance of the forum in peoples lives, its intervening power to save them. I mention in a way that seems cavalier and trite that it saved mine. But I have to wonder if you really understand just how true that is. And for everyone that had a part in that, I am truly grateful, and nothing will ever change that. So, here I am feeling like a fool for having said goodbyes to people I care about, then doing an about face and coming right back in. But I had to do both, its not some kind of childish attention getting device, its just what happened and what I had to do in order to get through it. I'm not doing this for attention, though the childish sh'e in me feeds on it, I apologize for being so crazy and for the harm I have caused, to this forum and to others. I cant fix any of that. But I can try to stop doing more - and that is a big part of why I ran, and why I am back. Love to all here. Trinity
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Prefer she/her am fine with they, not so hip on he.
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minga
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Post by Mingma on Nov 5, 2015 22:37:12 GMT 8
Welcome home sweetie.
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Laura J
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Nov 17, 2014 22:37:43 GMT 8
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mark
Human being
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Post by Laura J on Nov 6, 2015 0:27:09 GMT 8
Being trans inherently comes with many mixed feelings, ups and downs, and back and forth thinking we have ourselves figured out.. Obviously this is not the case, all of us have been there, all experienced some of what you feel at various times, and everyone understands... No need for apologies for anything..?
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January 1970
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Bye
Nov 7, 2015 7:09:06 GMT 8
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2015 7:09:06 GMT 8
Decided to quit guesting in and reinstated my account. Still soul searching, i need to keep doing that. Sorry for all this drama. Just couldn't leave and stay away. Yeah and if ever decide to leave again I will hex you. Search your soul all you want but always remember your friends and the ones that love you like family. As for Drama Trinity? I wouldn't expect no less from ya' sis. We girls are just full of drama and that just means that we are who we are. I am so happy you are back. Like I said, Soul search all you want just always remember your friends and family.
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Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Bye
Nov 7, 2015 12:34:03 GMT 8
Post by Trinity on Nov 7, 2015 12:34:03 GMT 8
Decided to quit guesting in and reinstated my account. Still soul searching, i need to keep doing that. Sorry for all this drama. Just couldn't leave and stay away. Yeah and if ever decide to leave again I will hex you. Search your soul all you want but always remember your friends and the ones that love you like family. As for Drama Trinity? I wouldn't expect no less from ya' sis. We girls are just full of drama and that just means that we are who we are. I am so happy you are back. Like I said, Soul search all you want just always remember your friends and family. Watch the rebound on the hex dear.... lol Nobody can do this alone we all need support and transfolks are close. What really got me was your post about sometimes being curled up in a ball at night crying because of being overwhelmed by it all. How the hell can I walk away when you put something like that up there. Been there done that. Many reasons to be back dear. Yeah its family here. Not something for anyone to lightly cast aside. Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2015 3:05:20 GMT 8
Yeah and if ever decide to leave again I will hex you. Search your soul all you want but always remember your friends and the ones that love you like family. As for Drama Trinity? I wouldn't expect no less from ya' sis. We girls are just full of drama and that just means that we are who we are. I am so happy you are back. Like I said, Soul search all you want just always remember your friends and family. Watch the rebound on the hex dear.... lol Nobody can do this alone we all need support and transfolks are close. What really got me was your post about sometimes being curled up in a ball at night crying because of being overwhelmed by it all. How the hell can I walk away when you put something like that up there. Been there done that. Many reasons to be back dear. Yeah its family here. Not something for anyone to lightly cast aside. Trinity Oh hell. You can hex me back all you want. I think I was born under a bad sign anyways. I think you need to do what is right for you hon. Yes I get that way sometimes and a lot of us do. I am just glad to have you back though. Something about crying your eyes out though is really cleansing. After I do feel a little better. I assume we all do. To me it better than the T rage that some of our brothers may experience and in which I have experienced in the beginning during the onset of puberty until shit seemed to go haywire. I won't go way into it because there is more to hormones than just the testicals or ovaries but I remember mine had swollen up when I was 13 to the size of tennis balls and hurt like hell. No. I didn't get hit there. I didn't fall on anything either. Just something that I really can't even remember what it was but that may be one of my problems that turned out to be more of a gift. Infection maybe? Devine intervention maybe? For whatever reason it seemed to have made me infertile. Shrunk my junk or just didn't let it grow past the size of a prepubescent teen. Then the gynecomastia, the female type emotional displays. The Stereotypical female likes and dislikes and so on. I really need to look into it more. Maybe what happened to my Testes had an effect on my endocrine system. Still can grow a beard though, UGHH, and have hair on my chest but can get rid of that really easy.My dad can't remember shit due to dementia and my mom is past so. But Trin, you do what you feel you have to do. Do it for yourself. But Please stick around. If you need a break then take one. But you and the rest of this little family we have here knows way more about my inner feelings and who I truly am than even my family does. And you are extremely invaluable in the wealth of knowledge and experience. Plus you are a priceless friend. So from me to you, thank you for coming back. Take a break. Hell I have when I needed it. Some was work but I still stayed here. I'm not goinag anywhere. If this place is around in 100 years, my username and avatar will still be up. But in 100 years, it will be a ghost typing.
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7,159
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Bye
Nov 9, 2015 9:17:40 GMT 8
Mingma likes this
Post by Trinity on Nov 9, 2015 9:17:40 GMT 8
I am not going anywhere, I belong right here on this forum. Break time is over. Yeah we can say things here we cannot say anywhere else. You and I have our little disagreements, different takes on religion, different approach on how to handle me when I am full out. By the way now that I am no longer afraid of that, I am no longer offended when you think I should live like that. HAH! I like being a transitioned androgyne instead, I have all the fun honey, I can be anything anytime anywhere and its all real. I love living like this. I am extremely loyal to Jayce. I also care very deeply for this forum, and I never forget that it was largely because of me that folks got banned in the beginning from the other place. I may have f-d things up horribly lately but that is something that can never be taken away- the whole start of this very special place. Nothing that happened can take that down. So no worries wild one. HAH, you are one of the few that has tasted the wild side like I did, and you keep on going there, don't you honey.... LOL. Kinky little bitch aren't you. Well, why not.
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Mingma
Prefer she/her am fine with they, not so hip on he.
391
Jun 20, 2015 1:16:10 GMT 8
June 2015
minga
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Nov 9, 2015 9:58:08 GMT 8
Post by Mingma on Nov 9, 2015 9:58:08 GMT 8
I am not going anywhere, I belong right here on this forum. Yes, you belong.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2015 5:15:52 GMT 8
I am not going anywhere, I belong right here on this forum. Break time is over. Yeah we can say things here we cannot say anywhere else. You and I have our little disagreements, different takes on religion, different approach on how to handle me when I am full out. By the way now that I am no longer afraid of that, I am no longer offended when you think I should live like that. HAH! I like being a transitioned androgyne instead, I have all the fun honey, I can be anything anytime anywhere and its all real. I love living like this. I am extremely loyal to Jayce. I also care very deeply for this forum, and I never forget that it was largely because of me that folks got banned in the beginning from the other place. I may have f-d things up horribly lately but that is something that can never be taken away- the whole start of this very special place. Nothing that happened can take that down. So no worries wild one. HAH, you are one of the few that has tasted the wild side like I did, and you keep on going there, don't you honey.... LOL. Kinky little bitch aren't you. Well, why not. Yep that is me to a T trin. No pun intended. You know hon, what is so special about this place? We can disagree and still respect and love one another. No warnings from admins with an over exaggerated attitude of authority. Love your life. That is what it's all about. Love being who and what you are. Live is precious and being comfortable with yourself in your own skin is priceless. So be androgyne, MTF, FTM, MTFNB or FTMNB, Genderqueer and or everything in between. We have but one life to live and that life should be at least comfortable and at the most happy and fulfilling but we have to make it happy and fulfilling ourselves. As for getting us banned? I blame Jayce on that. Not you or anyone else and thank Gawd. Jayce cared and cares. When Susan decided to unban us, I promptly contacted admin and told them to delete Jess 42. They did with no hesitation so I must have not been that important over there. No Email as for why. No questions as for why, Just deleted as soon as I asked. As for the "kinky little bitch". I find that offensive. I am a wild, kinky little bitch. Never forget the Wild part. LOL seriously though. I just live life on my own terms. I am who I am. Whoever can't except that.... Well it is unlady like to tell them what to do with themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2015 4:30:28 GMT 8
I didn't know this. I'm so glad you stayed, Trinity!
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7,159
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Bye
Nov 13, 2015 9:53:54 GMT 8
Post by Trinity on Nov 13, 2015 9:53:54 GMT 8
Me too.
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7,159
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Bye
Nov 30, 2015 0:23:53 GMT 8
Ayla likes this
Post by Trinity on Nov 30, 2015 0:23:53 GMT 8
Ativan I miss you and I love you and that will never, ever change. Where ever you are, I am always here for you. Trinity/ Satinjoy. Your SJ.
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