Are you codependent?

[Deleted]

I am clueless on this.



Thoughts. 

[LivingTheDream]

I think I was, maybe still am. Maybe is in my nature to be so idk...

I think the I was so with that girl I was with online. She made me happy, made me feel good, wanted, needed. Fell for her hard, probably because of this and cuz wanted to be her. My whole day I would spend thinking bout her or being with her online. When I was with her, was happy usually, everything else went away, was all bout her, only thought of her. None of my problems mattered when was with her, talking bout her.

Was pretty much the same thing I had with the other girl I was seeing for a few weeks a year ago. Was all about how I could help her, what I could do for her. She made me feel the same way, wanted, special. Like now, can't really take care of myself financially, but would go out with her, be the guy and pay ofc, knowing that it was just coming out of my savings and wasn't gonna go back in. Was teaching her to drive, using my gas last year, when it was expensive, wouldn't charge her gas money, let her use all my gas though cuz was a tradeoff I guess, paying to spend time with her, helping her, feeling liked, wanted, needed, forgetting bout me.

She still hasn't got her license lol, after we broke up she stopped practicing, no one else would take her. I still would take her, but now, I would have her pay for gas at least.

Is that what you mean?

[Laura J]

""Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.""

I used to be when I was drinking... I enabled several people I cared about to further destroy they're lives.. Selfishness, fear of not being accepted, of loosing a friend if I didn't enable them and endorse they're bad habits.. Guilty of all..

But no more.. I understand that behavior now, and I won't be that person any more..

[Ativan Prescribed]

codependency can come in many different ways, shapes, forms, etc...
Here's just one of many ways to look at it, take the test with a grain, but looking into it is the first step to understanding it, for what it is.
www.codependencynomore.com/codependency-quiz-2/
Just googling the word will open up a lot of different versions of it.
I'm codependent on certain people in my life, there are boundaries set.
Pretty much knowing what you are looking at as yourself is the first step.
Ativan

[Deleted]

No, I'm pretty independent. Hell I have hijacked enough of my relationships to know that. I get scared and run every time. I love being with someone but when it gets too close I get real jumpy. So codependent and too independent come with their own set of problems. Even as I write this I am getting a little jumpy.

[Edge]

No, I'm pretty darn independent. I have, however, had a problem with clinginess due to abandonment issues. Lately, I think I might have more of a problem with pushing people away.

[EchelonHunt]

I thought I was codependent in my previous relationship but it was really my partner who was. I felt suffocated and my instincts were screaming at me to run far, far away from this partner. The moment I could, I did. No regrets because I have never felt more free, I can finally breathe and not have to worry about my partner's thoughts or opinion whenever I make a decision.

Personally, relationships are too messy for me. I've always envisioned myself living alone (with a few kitties) and being quite content with it.

[Deleted]

I used to be a real fixer, trying to help other people fix their lives and relationships. Once I realized that I wasn't really helping them by coddling adult babies and was wearing myself out over their stuff to the detriment of my own personal life and relationships, I quit. The best and quickest learning curve for some people is to let them do a total face plant when the rug is jerked out from under them and the bottom comes up and hits them in the face. They can usually find the wherewithal to rebound on their own volition or totally crash and burn in which case it isn't my problem anyway. I make exceptions and help those whose circumstances are temporary and something that they either just didn't bring on themselves or completely regret doing and are willing to make the effort to turn things around. That can't be construed as co-dependency, it's just a morally decent thing to do by giving a friend a leg up. Having a sense of discernment prior to involvement is necessary to avoid having a number of emotional deadbeats hanging around one's neck depleting life's energy.

[Deleted]

I'm currently in a codependant relationship with my cats

[Taka]

when i was young, my value was generally measured by how goodi was at playing the violin, how well i did academically, how properly i dressed, and of course how willing i was to help people.
it's difficult to not become codependent when parents would make so much fuss if i wouldn't come home one weekend to be verbally and emotionally abused. and of course i'd also have to clean the house because my mom didn't do shit.
wouldn't have cared if bot for my siblings who were still stuck in that hellhole.

but my ex was so terribly codependent that i just broke up in the end and haven't really tried a relationship later. two codependent people together is way too unhealthy.

but all i have to do to quit now is to care just a little bit less about other people.

[Cynthia13]

Codependency.... interesting topic, shame I didn't see it earlier. I took the quiz in Ativan's post, found that if I had answered those questions a few years ago the answers would have been much different than they are today.

A few years ago I was in a Nar-Anon meeting and a question was posed. "Why do you accept unacceptable behaviors?" This simple question kept floating around in my head. I couldn't shake it. I wound up tossing and turning that night, struggled for sleep, then woke abruptly at 3 am with the answers. Words flowed out of me. I wrote them down and emailed them to the person who asked the question, thanking him for the awakening. I copied the email below.

So much has changed for me since then. Several of the answers came down to my vision of who I am, or was anyway. I had major self esteem issues.

"Why do I accept unacceptable behavior?
A few things spring to mind...
1) My internal thinking, the voice in my head that has been telling me since childhood that I was bad, shameful, deserved to be treated poorly etc., has me convinced that I don't deserve any better. A part of me still believes this poor self image and allows for me to continue to feed it by letting others treat me bad or step on me.
2) Sometimes I feel I accept other's bad behavior due to laziness on my part. It just doesn't seem worth the fight to stand up and say 'I'm not gonna take it anymore!'.
3) Sometimes I don't recognize or choose not to see the bad behavior for what it is at the time. I justify their behavior as much as I do my own, telling myself that, 'we had a bad day, sick, tired, I heard or saw it wrong'
4) I feel that I choose not to have a voice thus playing the victim. On some level I want some drama or a want to sit on my pity pot crying, 'why me???'
5) I put other people's feeling above my own, not wanting to be the 'cause' of their pain, suffering, consequences, or any other negative feelings.
6) I don't like to have anyone dislike or be mad at me and by accepting certain behaviors that others don't maybe they'll 'like' me more. Maybe I'll be the 'good' friend/mom/sister etc...
7) Some of the above boils down to being non confrontational. I don't like confrontation. I makes me very uncomfortable. It can also feel like I'm placing judgements on someone if I confront them and I get this stupid voice telling me, 'who am I to tell them anything'

I do know that when I have taken charge and let it be known that I will not accept and do not deserve the disrespect is the only time I've witness true changes. Maybe not in them, but definitely in me."

[Deleted]

It remains a huge problem for me with little solutions.

I control so much. I people please, to control your perception of me.

I manipulate, using many ways, to try to help others, and bring out the best in them. To give hope. But I speak truthfully.

Yet, I cannot even take a minute for myself at home, as I pour myself out for others. I am constantly on line, pouring out myself for others, codependent on the whole forum, when I have time alone, or any gap.  There is no me time.

I grieve hard when people I love make choices that take them away from me. Two are on this thread. You do not know how deeply it upsets me that they are not on this thread anymore. And I think others may have once been here. High casaulty rate, but I understand their reasons, why things had to run that way.

We make very hard decisions in order to stay healthy ourselves. It is the beginning of adulthood. I do not believe you can successfully transition and survive well, unless you have a handle on your own codependencies. If you are socially codependant, as I most certainly am, it will eat you alive out there, you will go insane.

So at the end of the day, it is not selfish to be you. It is responsible to be you, and then from that place, to help other people.

I am fierce when I perceive a threat to those who I love. As each one is lost that I love, that feirceness increases. My protective instinct, exascerbated by having been stalked, driven out of two homes overnight, one by a sex predator and another by an organized white supremacy group that did not like my interracial marriage, there came a day when I could no longer be a runner.

So here I am, overprotective? I doubt that. Hypervigilant, no doubt.

But bottom line, codependency is bad news, yet, I have it, it probably drives my emotions and thought processes most of the time, it took me to the edge of insanity over trans a bunch of times, and it delayed my transition about 30 years. And I mourn my lost female youth, although I know it was for the best.

Blessings. Lets talk more about this. Here. To help others.

Trin.

[Cynthia13]

The thing that drove my codependency was deeply rooted in my own self concept. I looked to others to define that within me. If they liked me I was good. If they didn't I was bad. Overly simplistic way of putting it but accurate.

My life was based on pleasing others. Started as a child, was part of my way of coping and survival. It was safe for me to make people happy, to be useful / helpful. But it got warped, deeply warped to the point that I didn't exist without being valued by someone else. I got lost in my titles; daughter, sister, mother, girlfriend, friend, worker, volunteer, etc... I became the me that others wanted or needed me to be. Not the me I needed or wanted to be. I got lost in the shuffle.

What I've learned in the last few years is that I need to know who I am if everything and everyone else fades away. What makes me me isn't what I can do for someone else.
I had to start small, began by questioning simple things like what music or tv I liked (not what my sons' or bf wanted to hear or watch). sounds simple but I had no clue.
I wrote a bucket list of things I thought sounded interesting, things I might want to try before I die. Whenever I had free time I'd do research instead of numbing myself with someone else's issues or mindless tv. I learned a lot about myself by doing this.

I also started to learn that me and my bf were on so many totally different pages in life that that relationship was a safety net. I stayed with him because I didn't want to be alone. It took years for me to break free of that one but I'm so much happier now.

I know me better today than I ever have. I think about my needs; something I put very little thought into for far too long.

[Trinity]

Struggling with it today, in the family. My sister in law is filled with it, and is making my wife and daughter sicker and sicker. Last night I got 4 hours of sleep when I needed 8 badly to get through this week, very destructive. My wife and I had a great service that morning, mid day, her sister got hold of her, and dumped every family problem on her, insisted she take care of my alzheimers mother daily in spite of her getting physically very ill and very high in blood pressure. She puts her on the defensive, constantly trying to defend her actions.

So she was up till midnight and at 4 AM, all upset, and that means I was up.

We are moving out, this can't go on, but the timing has to be right. I have to evict from our house in FL and sell out.

I told her the best answer is "No." No justification. No arguing. "No" and walk away. She can't do it. They took her hostage, didn't they.  She can't seem to get out, and I am tired of pointing out the tools that would work to set her free.  She tries, but always finds something else more important.

Argh.

[Deleted]

I like to remind myself of this: When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.