Oh boy....., taking the plunge perhaps

[LivingTheDream]

Or perhaps I should say oh, girl, is that even a saying though?

But ya, am thinking next week I will prolly head out in girl mode, all the way, basically, for first time, really; Halloween doesn't really count. Is kinda scary but exciting.

But ya, I got quite a few things going on next week, so am thinking bout doing it...Like, Monday, gonna go see my old, asshole shrink, for the first time in a few months, so thought about going there all nice and stuff. After that, am supposed to head over to a girl friends, she lives out that way, a bit far from me but close to the shrink, one I met from group, so seems like a good time to do so. The one guy saw me once dressed a bit I think, don't think w/ makeup and probably never heard me speak, least not for very long or well back then, so that will be new. My gal pal never saw either lol, wonder if will recognize me . Last time she saw me, was at my place, she tried to get me to use my voice but was too scared, nervous, uncomfortable, so didn't. Played her a recording tho that my speech lady made me do on my phone...So ya, am excited bout that. Idk if she gonna wanna go out or anything, idk if I would be comfortable with that yet, but perhaps could happen.

Wednesday am seeing my speech lady, just thought bout going there too like that...That is a totally different thing tho for me, much harder. I would have to give my name, eek, male name, so outing myself immediately, and it isn't really a ts space, it is mostly rehab, so lots of people in lobby usually, not ts, normal peeps. But she knows, mentioned I should do so if felt comfortable, said it would be nice if came in using voice, need practice all that.

Thursday I see normal, liked, therapist, so can prob do so then again....

Friday am getting face fried (lasered), told her recently too, so might do so again...oh my! I don't think would be wise to have makeup on for that one tho, LOL.

Oh, and ordered new pants for work, khaki, girl, I think coming today, oh shit, arrived as I was typing this!!, if fit will wear to work Tues...also prob gotta put hair in ponytail that day too, first time doing that, so ya, appearance gonna look quite diff then too. Wonder if anything will be said? Not gonna go total girl mode tho, might start looking a bit andro tho..

So, big week coming up I guess! God, need moar clothes~!

[Laura J]

WAY TO GO..!!
You have such a positive attitude, thats half the battle right there..

Sounds like such an exciting week..! You must keep us all posted how it's going..!!

Great news... Have an awesome week.!!

hugs.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2015 7:14:43 GMT 8 Laura J said:

WAY TO GO..!!
You have such a positive attitude, thats half the battle right there..

Sounds like such an exciting week..! You must keep us all posted how it's going..!!

Great news... Have an awesome week.!!

hugs.

I second that! Lets get a full report later about what went down, how it happened, what your impressions were and most of all don't waste any time worrying about what anyone else thinks, their shit doesn't count in your life anyway hon!

[LivingTheDream]

Jan 11, 2015 8:04:46 GMT 8 Shan said:

I second that! Lets get a full report later about what went down, how it happened, what your impressions were and most of all don't waste any time worrying about what anyone else thinks, their shit doesn't count in your life anyway hon!

If only that were true...

I am not at that point yet, idk if i will ever, can ever, be there. It matters to me. Atm, I really kinda cannot understand how that can be true for people? It kinda don't make sense to me, only way can make it make sense is if I label it as a defense, a coping mechanism. Maybe it becomes a necessary evil type thing, idk, am speculating. I think as people, we are wired to be social, fit in to a degree, care bout others opinions too.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, idk, I just don't really get it atm.

I don't really expect to pass though, but am really only going to safe places tho too. The one on Wednesday, speech in the rehab thingy, might be too much for me, idk, will make my mind up on that on Monday, see how that day goes. That's more real life, lots of peeps who not trans, dunno if can do that 10-15 min I may be in the lobby with everyone else, getting perhaps stares, insults, who knows what else...but is also not like I live near there either so maybe can do it...

[Deleted]

What I am saying is that any negative feedback you get from people outside of your private social circle is meaningless and should not affect the quality of your life unless you want to allow them to cause you to be fearful and then fear will cripple your attempts to be who you really are and want to be. Meanwhile, those within your close social circle will either stick with you or eliminate themselves entirely, in which case they weren't real friends anyway. Family of course is yet another matter as they can be the least accepting and sometimes you have to back away from them until they decide that they either chill out and get on board or lose you forever.

In any event your own fears are what they will all use to discourage and defeat you, so you need to take control of the fear factor right up front!

[LivingTheDream]

So ya, so far so good . That a good enough update??



WOWOWOW you all letting me get away with this lame update?!?!?!? Was expecting, spill the beans bitch, or something!

[LivingTheDream]

I'm a gossiper, can't keep in any longer...

So Monday I went to therapy and to my girl friends place in all girl mode. Even used my shit voice lol. But ya, it went good and felt good. Outside of therapy were a few construction workers, closer to me than I would've liked cuz could see me, but nothing really happened. I thought I heard one say "girl" but idk, didn't hear anything else, idk if was talking bout me or someone else or if was good or bad but doesn't matter now; so, am assuming it was bout me and was something good!

I briefly stopped using it when my friend called me, it surprised me; she was kinda mad at me for being late but my appointment went longer than anticipated and then got lost again (her place is a bitch to find!) but eventually went back to using it. We stayed in at her place, I didn't really wanna go out anywhere, not quite to that point, yet, and just talked for a few hours. It was fun, I liked it, had a good time. I didn't make any faux pas like I did last time with her, saying something that perhaps I shouldn't have, even tho it wasn't that far off what we were talking bout that time....!!, but she herself sort of went there during the convo, talking bout some of her relationships and including the juicy parts, so really, idk what the big deal was back then?? But ya, it was really nice overall, had a good time. Made future plans to go ice skating one day soon; I've never been so guess she gonna teach me lol. Give me a nice pair of roller blades and I will skate circles round you but never really been in ice skates, so will be fun and interesting. She thinks I will fall on my ass! I asked her if she will catch me if I do, she was like pfft, as if!, probably couldn't catch you if you did fall nowadays.

Wednesday I sort of said, fuck it, and went to speech in full girl mode too! The parking lot was pretty full, I'm thinking, just great lol, just my luck, so had to walk a bit to get into the office. Never really let or had "normal" people see me like that, a few have, people I know, but not like strangers cuz usually I hide it underneath stuff. Not this time tho...Didn't walk by or near anyone tho luckily so was uneventful thankfully.

Had to give me name to the check-in lady, used my last tho not first, sure she found out when typed it in but whatevs. Then had to sit in lobby, with like 5 other people, not trans, "normal" peeps there for various other types of rehab. That wasn't too bad I thought, kinda big lobby, usually fuller. Sorta sat by myself, not too close to anyone but then again, everyone was pretty spread out so wasn't weird or anything. Had my headphones on, jamming to a few songs, not too loud to not hear anything but loud enough not to hear everything. But ya, just mostly sat there by myself, not really paying attention, looking around or anything. Didn't really wanna know if anyone was looking at me funny, weird or saying anything; as far as I know, nobody did, but then again, wasn't really looking for it so who knows.

Then she comes around the corner, sees me, gets a big ole smile on her face. We go back to the room, she's complimenting me the whole time. OMG you look so nice, love your sweater, boots are adorable, makeup looks good, jealous of my hair (I'm jealous of hers...), look totally passable, all that good stuff . She goes on to say my voice is sounding better, less drops, but I think still isn't quite there yet. It is kind of weird now tho to go back to guy voice looking like that, feeling better bout using it myself and around others I guess now when presenting female. That's a big step for me.

At the end we discussed my situation a bit. I'm not really working atm now, long story that, so said I wasn't sure when I would be back. That shit is expensive! so trying save some money you know. She did propose something that is intriguing to me so I may go back and see her again after I take care of some other shit. But ya, she said, next time, if you want, we could go to the mall or out to eat, basically public, get some experience like that, use your voice in in public as well, and I could help you out in any other areas in which you may be lacking or sticking out, that type of thing, as well.

Now, it is appealing to me because I really wouldn't be comfortable atm doing that with like friends, family, people like that, was planning on doing alone when I felt up to it really. Planning for the worst, or perhaps expecting it, I guess I don't want others around in case some shit goes down, like someone goes eww, t****, fag, that's a man, you know something like that, or worse. Call it pride, shame, embarrassment, whatever, but I guess I don't want anyone else to see that, be there for that, know bout that. But, I guess it kinda feels different to me tho when it comes to her, sounds more ok to me I guess. Like, it wouldn't matter to me as much if it happened with her there? So ya, will definitely consider that when it comes time to.

So ya, that is what happened this week. Overall, can only say that is has been all good, all positive, loved it all. I kinda hate changing back now...

*Idk if I should include this here or not, but there is another thing I hate doing*

Ok, I don't really know what to do bout this, but i guess I just don't feel comfortable or safe leaving my apartment like that. Like, I had makeup on both days I went out, but otherwise was mostly manly. Put my purse, boots, jacket in a garbage bag and changed in my car . I made sure that nobody was coming or going either when I left and came back, well, as far as I could tell. Its a total pain in the ass but I am worried that someone will fuck with me otherwise, or with my apartment or truck. I guess idk what to do really?

[LivingTheDream]

I posted quite a few in the pic topic in the dear members section. Some from a few years ago, total guy mode to now.

Ya, I thought about that as well, doing this while not working. Hell, I was even thinking briefly about taking a month or two off, letting everyone think/know I am fired (not really the case), then showing up to work or visit in total girl mode again. Still is an option I guess, wanna get mouth fixed first tho, idk if really wanna go back there tho, I guess we'll see. Let them forget about K************* (guy name), start over fresh as K*****************(the name I am thinking of currently). I think I may be able to handle things better that way? Do that for a bit, get some experience that way while looking for new/better (hopefully) job.

[LivingTheDream]

This is turning into like my blog, lol...

Anyways, I just sent my brother a msg, saying i wanted him to stop by later today, there is something I been trying to say but haven't been able to, all that good jazz...I think trying to force the issue lol. Hey, hasn't worked any other way and this way worked before with me so ya, we'll see.

Anyways, he is my closest relative, parents both gone, not really close to many others in my family, but doesn't know whats going on yet (as far as I know!). I been going to his place quite a bit the last few months, usually with the intention of telling him but as of yet, still haven't. Guess was looking for right time to do it but things have been quite hectic last few months for both of us; transitioning, school, appointments, work for me, work, new baby, wife for him and we both moved within the last year as well also. He thinks I go over a lot to see my nephew; well guess that is part of the reason but not really, mostly is cuz wanted to tell him, looking for a good opportunity. I also had tons of doubt still too (I think is mostly gone now), shame, embarrassment, fear, about doing it and doing all this but now is a little less I guess.

But ya, I guess I kinda feel like I have to, get it out, get it over and done with. I've worried about it for long enough, tired of it, guess it is time to find out if I am/was worried for nothing or not. People who I have told who know both of us don't think he will have any issue with it but who really knows. Before like now, lol, I was thinking the worst, actually kinda hoping that he would disown me so I wouldn't have to face him again afterwards, now am kinda looking forward to it, thinking, hoping, that maybe it will bring us closer, you know, not having to have all these secrets anymore.

A lot has happened and changed for me this past week. I have decided to make the best, make the most out of not working currently, use that time to change things, fix things, myself, sort of a fresh slate, start over, type of thing. I went out a few times as a woman, I used my voice quite a bit, and in front of others! I actually kinda feel happy for once (knock on wood).

Today, for dinner, I changed from girl mode to guy mode except for my jeans, but they are kinda unisex, ya they're woman's but can't really tell much of a diff... It actually kinda depressed me a bit, getting changed. It didn't make me happy, and I guess it almost sort of felt wrong. It is definitely getting harder to do lol. I keep having these thoughts of making the jump! I told my friend Monday that I guess I consider myself part time now, lol, now can't stop thinking bout going full...lol in one week, who would've thunk it?!? Slow and steady wins the race, I keep telling myself, so ya, still trying to take my time, make sure I am ready, but god, the temptation is there now!

Maybe you were right Auntie Shan, maybe I am magically developing that fuck it attitude on my own! Anyways, we'll see how it goes; I kinda expect him to reply in the am, will see what he says when I wake up I think.