Taking it onto the street

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I'm going to try to write this, it is a difficult post for me to write.

I couldnt handle being trans when I was young.  I did not want to admit to the boys that made fun of me that they were really right.  

In the mirror the reflection that looked back at me was not that of a guy, it never was.  In old age sometimes it is, when I reveal that part of self, but many times it is the same reflection from so many years ago.  The one that is ambiguous, that one that is both he and she together as one.  it shows in the mirror.  It was me as I was born.

A great deal of my gender physically is a sexual  thing, a body wiring thing.  I see the women and I am jealous, I want to be like them, i want to be taken.  I see a good looking guy, I want to be taken.  I see a good looking girl, and I am also strongly attracted to her.

When I see me transitioned in the mirror, there is no difference in  that.  Part of me is also strongly attracted to h'er.  Not as a split, its just me, but its all in that simulataneous experience of the many facets of my gender experience.

When I take it out on the street though....

Its conflicted.  Before when I took it out of the house it was because I wanted to get laid pure and simple.  Now 30 years later, its not to get laid.  its to be validated, to be treated nicely, to be myself, and to just do it because now I can.

Once I did it all the way to hair and heels in the NB/TS meeting.  It was incomplete.  So I stopped doing that and just was me, in heels nonetheless, but me as I am at night in my little apartment.  

The wifes away.  Am I in hair and heels?  No.  Later I will be as I always am with her, though it will be a little more pushed in that it'll be the long gown and not the usual stuff she is used to.  And my safety nets are up now, I wont be stupid tonight or any other night, I needed help to stay smart and I am getting it.  I know how to remain pure and a trans virgin.  We are twice virgins you know, some of us.  I haven't been touched that way since i grew my breasts.

Its getting to the point where for me, I live out there as a guy, but under the outside veneer there is more to me than that.  They seem fairly clueless, some suspect, some think I'm a little strange, for them I guess I am.

But when I take it to the street as she, because for me it is so strongly associated with my sex and sexuality, it feels strange.

It feels like I am taking the bedroom into public.  It feels like something special and intimate, is being either cheapened, or trotted out into public view, and as a demure senior transperson with some very strong emotions and feelings and sensuality, it is feeling inappropriate.  Its like a ciswoman walking out in public in lingerie, it isn't done, it is reserved for lovers eyes alone.

Its just how it feels to me now.  I've been free to be, and will be again I am sure, in the TS meetings, in that genderqueer way that comes so naturally to me.  But for that part of me  that is so sensual, maybe not.  Yes it feels real good and it feels real sensual and nice and validating.  But am I ready for it?  Is it right for me?

How about you, is it like that with you too?  We are nonbinary and I think that makes this kind of thing rather complicated doesn't it?  There is a lot going on all at the same time up in our noodles.

Blessings dear ones.

Love to all and maybe a kiss too tonight, the feelings are strong right now

Trinity

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[Deleted]

I have to come back and revisit this again. New experiences. Might repeat, going to ignore the previous post a minute.

Kinda funny, I actually live my life out publically on this forum so people know what it feels like. Not hypothetical stuff, real life experiences.

So, yesterday, after my last experience, I went out. I dressed in a way that pleases me as a woman, overlaid that with a sweater and then threw my beat up leather bomber jacket over that. I wore knee high boots, folks stared at that, I stared right back - HAH! Boots. Big deal, thats going to scramble your head because I wore boots? How funny is that? Or did you see under the jacket and spot my A/B cups?

Anyway, here was the takeaway. I did not transition on the train this time, I did not feel like challenging the system. I did put my feather earing in, thats another so what thing. I dont care at this point what gender they think I am on the street. Its none of their business and its not mine whats being thought in between their little ears.

So that was real comfortable. It usually is socially, on the streets. Work- no. I did not spray my hair back yesterday, nobody reacts. Its how I carry myself. I like it better loose and combed back over the ears, instead of sprayed straight back and showing thinning hair in the center.

Sounds shallow, this stuff, its all presentations....

Anyway, I get to the LGBTQIA meeting center, the action place for that, their activist place, and I move all the way to girl, most of you know that look. Hair on, skirt, thin blouse showing the cami under it and the real boobs I have, nice skirt, pretty belt, thigh high stocking socks, really nice those, and knee high boots. Full make up and full passing she. Cause I was pissed about the week earlier and I wanted to be validated. They hurt my feelings, they made my sh'e a joke. You don't do that to me, not ever. Not to kick that old rage up again, all that hurt, all that caused me to wait for 50 bloody years to cave in and give up and transition. What a waste of beauty, to steal a transperson's or transwoman's in this context prime of beauty from her. My feelings aobut it cannot be spoken, the screen would melt from the anger.

Yeah thats horror, isnt it.

So here is the take away from this rambling post designed to reveal a truth of living as a nonbinary transperson.

As sh'e and out there, forgive the pronoun I know nobody else ever uses this but its a heck of a good physical descriptor of me, even though I am fully them, but as sh'e, in that safe place that we made safe and fiercly guard, and I mean fierce the boys and the girls and the others know how to protect themselves, we are NY street people, myself included... but as sh'e, a part of me was free to be expressed that I don't get to let out much. I have in here. Its that light hearted flirty sort of funny happy frolicking Fairy person in all of my depth of feeling and love, it all flies out of me when I am like that. It is very, very strong and uninhibited. There is something special about being me like that. But its not for the public eye, it really isnt. Its not like taking off my shirt in public, but it has the same meaning to me as that. its like a woman when she goes out on a date, she shows herself in that way, its not her work personna. Some girls do that, they seem to be in a contest for attention, but a lot of them just work, then, when the time is right, the hair literally comes down and the candles are lit and they become beautiful. And they choose to share that with others.

That is exactly what if feels like to me. Exactly.

And on the street, I have no reason to show that part of me. I like instead to be in the middle ground, totally free to be all of self at the same time, whole and joyous and free. Going anywhere and being all of me, whether among the hostile or the happy, it doesnt matter. But for my sh'e part of me, that which I identify as so loving and kind and wholesome and fiercely protective of h'er loves, that I entrust to very few.

And  that was the takeaway, what I learned.  That it is a powerful part of myself that I need to understand, and to reveal in just that way.   That this part of me, and it is very real, is a special thing to show to special people, its a revalation of sorts, something to show when I wish, and to know I still am inside when I do not wish to show h'er.    It's my romantic self, my self in that special way, my physical and sensual self.  The self that lights candles and incense and revels in silk and satin and then blows you a very special kiss and tells you I love you.
 
I entrusted me to you.... and you have touched me - h'er - in ways you cannot imagine.

I love you

Bye for the moment.

Trinity Satin Joy