Post by Ativan Prescribed on Oct 15, 2015 0:39:29 GMT 8
Those things in life that keep on affecting us, those things from our past that we think of as wrong and sometimes they are, we tend to try and change them.
We go out of our way to avoid the triggers, we pay attention to triggers from them as if they are still here with us in the now.
I've done this with so many things, some I still do; but I'm working on them. Some of the worst are memory images of incredible horror and being a part of it.
They are the ones that I have to deconstruct into individual parts and deal with one at a time, in order to make it as a whole make sense in a way that I need to.
Some are incredibly hard to just let go of so I can see them as they are, a part of my past, yet still define my now in ways that are hard to control.
The ones that I have and do manage are the ones that I can see as they were and that indeed they define who I am, but those definitions are put into perspectives that I can live with.
It's difficult, but instead of trying to change what they were, to keep constantly making justifications for them, to keep trying to change my life to make them disappear or seem insignificant,.. I have to learn to instead embrace them.
It's a particularly hard thing to do, in a sense I have to fully admit to the reasons why I was a part of the experience.
Initially it makes me feel as if I am a horror as well, after all, I was there and I was a part of it.
It's a hard thing to accept, but one that needs to be done, but every fiber of my being turns against doing that, there is a fear that it will come back, that I will once again be that person.
Facing the truth that I am that person because it is a part of who I am is difficult and demands that I am careful in how I do it, it verges on psychopathic levels of insanity.
It makes me feel as if I will turn that corner and somehow be right there again, not that I was being a psychopath, it was just intense enough to make a person that way with no way to escape.
I did escape it, I'm here and I'm not a psychopath, but I'm pretty fucked up from some of it, I see it sometimes as if I am there again, the illusions of PTSD.
When that happens, the last thing I want to do is to embrace it, it scares the crap out of me sometimes, because reality doesn't slip away, another one from the past reveals itself as if it is here, the past catching up somehow, what if it takes over and I'm stuck in it?
But this is the thing, this is how it works, this is what takes place in the now when I am dealing with those moments and things from the past.
I have to find the ways it shaped who I am, how it shaped my abilities and sense of being, hopefully good.
It doesn't have to be, but it's much easier to do if you can find those things that are good and not have to deal with the reality of how the bad is a part of now.
I have help with this, I actually have a lot of help with it, several people on professional levels.
They can objectively look at me and what I have to tell them and I can get a response that is better than the panic I feel sometimes, too many times.
It all has this overall feeling of it making me weaker, and it does if I can't see how it made me stronger, better in some way.
That's the key of a sort, to be able to see through my fears and see how I turned out and how it has helped me in so many ways.
I have to also see how it hurt me as well, it's a part of the process, you have to see it to be able to move past it.
You move past it by finding the ways it has helped, once you see some of that, stepping past the hurt becomes much easier and seeing the better side of it is easier.
Almost sounds like a paradox, but it's not, it's facing it from the directions that are needed to place it into the context of who I am.
Are those things ever going to happen again?
Not very likely, but I've been there and done that, so if it comes right down to it, I will be able to do it better if I have to.
The point of all this is to see and understand the context of it fully, not just from one or two directions, but from all of them.
Trust me, I go through a lot of fear and loathing of self at times, I've disappeared a lot of times in my life because of it and probably will again sometime.
But so long as I have the people in place that I need right now, things are getting better, I have a feeling of being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not fear that it's something coming at me that I can't handle, I can see all becoming manageable, in context of who I am.
I'm learning the ability to do it on my own as I go through this right now, it's so much better than it used to be.
We have to learn to from our mistakes and not let them be an anchor that ties us to our past, we have to see what we learned and move on, into what our lives are.
We have to find the ways that what happened and changed us, can be used for.
We inherently know these things, we have to be able to take the images we see as we try things that make them appear, to see around them and do better.
It's not as easy as all this sounds, I know this, but it's not by any means impossible, either.
Ativan
We go out of our way to avoid the triggers, we pay attention to triggers from them as if they are still here with us in the now.
I've done this with so many things, some I still do; but I'm working on them. Some of the worst are memory images of incredible horror and being a part of it.
They are the ones that I have to deconstruct into individual parts and deal with one at a time, in order to make it as a whole make sense in a way that I need to.
Some are incredibly hard to just let go of so I can see them as they are, a part of my past, yet still define my now in ways that are hard to control.
The ones that I have and do manage are the ones that I can see as they were and that indeed they define who I am, but those definitions are put into perspectives that I can live with.
It's difficult, but instead of trying to change what they were, to keep constantly making justifications for them, to keep trying to change my life to make them disappear or seem insignificant,.. I have to learn to instead embrace them.
It's a particularly hard thing to do, in a sense I have to fully admit to the reasons why I was a part of the experience.
Initially it makes me feel as if I am a horror as well, after all, I was there and I was a part of it.
It's a hard thing to accept, but one that needs to be done, but every fiber of my being turns against doing that, there is a fear that it will come back, that I will once again be that person.
Facing the truth that I am that person because it is a part of who I am is difficult and demands that I am careful in how I do it, it verges on psychopathic levels of insanity.
It makes me feel as if I will turn that corner and somehow be right there again, not that I was being a psychopath, it was just intense enough to make a person that way with no way to escape.
I did escape it, I'm here and I'm not a psychopath, but I'm pretty fucked up from some of it, I see it sometimes as if I am there again, the illusions of PTSD.
When that happens, the last thing I want to do is to embrace it, it scares the crap out of me sometimes, because reality doesn't slip away, another one from the past reveals itself as if it is here, the past catching up somehow, what if it takes over and I'm stuck in it?
But this is the thing, this is how it works, this is what takes place in the now when I am dealing with those moments and things from the past.
I have to find the ways it shaped who I am, how it shaped my abilities and sense of being, hopefully good.
It doesn't have to be, but it's much easier to do if you can find those things that are good and not have to deal with the reality of how the bad is a part of now.
I have help with this, I actually have a lot of help with it, several people on professional levels.
They can objectively look at me and what I have to tell them and I can get a response that is better than the panic I feel sometimes, too many times.
It all has this overall feeling of it making me weaker, and it does if I can't see how it made me stronger, better in some way.
That's the key of a sort, to be able to see through my fears and see how I turned out and how it has helped me in so many ways.
I have to also see how it hurt me as well, it's a part of the process, you have to see it to be able to move past it.
You move past it by finding the ways it has helped, once you see some of that, stepping past the hurt becomes much easier and seeing the better side of it is easier.
Almost sounds like a paradox, but it's not, it's facing it from the directions that are needed to place it into the context of who I am.
Are those things ever going to happen again?
Not very likely, but I've been there and done that, so if it comes right down to it, I will be able to do it better if I have to.
The point of all this is to see and understand the context of it fully, not just from one or two directions, but from all of them.
Trust me, I go through a lot of fear and loathing of self at times, I've disappeared a lot of times in my life because of it and probably will again sometime.
But so long as I have the people in place that I need right now, things are getting better, I have a feeling of being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not fear that it's something coming at me that I can't handle, I can see all becoming manageable, in context of who I am.
I'm learning the ability to do it on my own as I go through this right now, it's so much better than it used to be.
We have to learn to from our mistakes and not let them be an anchor that ties us to our past, we have to see what we learned and move on, into what our lives are.
We have to find the ways that what happened and changed us, can be used for.
We inherently know these things, we have to be able to take the images we see as we try things that make them appear, to see around them and do better.
It's not as easy as all this sounds, I know this, but it's not by any means impossible, either.
Ativan
And some of those haters when drunk wanted to "stick" me with something other than a knife. What does that say about those that supposedly hate me? But you know what? I am happy somewhat. So fuck the haters. Screw the past. That was yesterday and yesteryear.
